Dead Me

By: Nicole Lopez

Summary: Leah tries to dull her feelings of pain.

I've been dead for a year. My heart may beat, my blood still flows and thanks to my super-strong Quilete blood, I have no visible scars. I'm essentially indestructible … on the outside. My insides have been completely discombobulated.

There's no cohesion, no strength. I am weak.

The feel of a sharp blade piercing my wrists gives me a little hope, hope than I can get over my own hurt. Hope that there's something out there to distract me.

I also hope that I won't heal so quickly this time. I need just a moment to feel the warm blood drip down my arm and the sense of panic that follows when I realize how much blood I'm losing … maybe I'd even get weak enough to pass out for a few hours.

That would be magic. But my fantasy is disrupted by my skin which is molding itself back together, leaving only a few drops of blood behind. I sigh and close my eyes trying to escape this nightmare.

I can hear footsteps approaching and I know it's my younger brother. Even in my sickened state, I can't let him know because he looks up to me. I don't want to disappoint him … that'd really drive me off the edge.

I quickly strip down and yank on a robe just as Seth opens the door.

"Knock much?" I joked, holding the healing arm close to my body and out of his eye range.

"What's up?"

"I'm about to take a shower."

"What for? We have a meeting in an hour."

"I know." I shrugged, pinching his nose in my annoyingly-older-sister way. "Don't wait up for me."

Against my personal feelings about the pack, and Sam in particular I knew that I'd be there. I would be the first one there with Sam, him pretending that I didn't exist with me staring at him desperately. Then the other guys would start to pile in one by one until he would turn himself completely from me.

Sam wanted nothing to do with me. I got that. I knew his bond to me was broken but I still loved him more fervently than ever which was sickening. It made me crazy. It made me hurt … more hurt on top of everything.

Sam would send me on a mission, on something that was a waste of time but I'd go anyway. But tonight … he didn't and I was disappointed. It would have cleared my mind. I wouldn't have the head space to think about different ways to get around my growing ideas of how to conquer the curse. That's what I called it, being a weregirl, a curse.

Now I'd have to find something else to do … I went over to the Black's like I normally did when I was bored. Jacob was smiling and grinning over something, like he always did. I had no right to corrupt him and bring him into my world.

I could have had any other guy I wanted, except the one that counted. I'd had them. And everyone knew it. Everyone knew that I was just trying to get over Sam. Everyone knew how easy I was.

"Jacob, get your ass out here!" I yelled, wondering if he knew what was on my mind.

"Yo. What's up?"

I became tongue-tied at this moment. How could I tell my best friend, well … the only person close enough to me to even be considered a friend, that I wanted to sleep with him, that I wanted him to be the next guy on my list?

"Did you come to talk about the college guy you're seeing? He seems cool."

"He's a loser. I've moved on." I boasted faux-happily. I didn't admit that the new guy was much, much older than me and possibly married. But I didn't care. Nothing mattered.

"To who?"

"Just someone." I wouldn't admit that the guy I was sleeping with was Jacob's uncle.

"Leah, stop destroying yourself. You're going to get hurt." Jacob whispered, his eyes flashing passionately.

"Can't hurt worse than I do now." I sighed. "I didn't come here to have a crying girly moment with you. There's something I need you to do for me."

"Anything." Jacob shrugged still thinking purely platonic-ally.

"I need you to rock my world-"

"What?"

"Have sex with me … normally I wouldn't just ask a guy like this, but you're my friend right? And you want to help me out and … this is the only thing that makes me not think about Sam."

"Leah, this is ridiculous. I'm not going to use you."

"I'm not asking for you to use me. I need to use you." I lifted one eyebrow seductively which only made both of us laugh. "This was stupid."

"Yes, it was. Why don't you go home and relax for a while?" Jacob offered, giving me a quick hug before I left the Black residence. I had never had a guy turn me down before and it made me feel stupid.

My fingers were dialing the number of Jeremiah Black before I could recap what had just happened. "I'm coming over." I breathed into the phone and clicked it off just as fast.

I don't want anyone to think I'm just some cheap whore because I'm not. Every guy I've slept with I've had a relationship with. I don't just have meaningless sex and I wasn't seeing Jeremiah tonight just for that. I listened to him talk about important things, about his business about trying to uplift our community.

He was smart. I liked that. But he wasn't Sam. And when it ended, I'd go right back to digging nails in my skin just to feel something more real than my heartbreak.

(A/N: Not sure if this is going anywhere or not, but I wrote it a while back, so I'm posting it now. It might just be a one-shot ... who knows? As a part of my shameless promotion, check out Boys with Girlfriends ... there are about 4-5 different ministories about Jacob, Leah, Bonnie and Damon. Love and reviews. -NL)