AN: This story may be triggering for those who struggle with depression, self harm or suicide. Anywho this was just something I needed to write. It is a three part. Reviews are love :)
It was a beautiful summers day. The kind where the sun is shining but there is a slight breeze that stops you from becoming too hot. Made you want to dig your toes in the sand at the beach and wiggle them in, enjoying the moment. But today Sarah just couldn't find that feeling within her, the weather mocked her. Instead of feeling alive and happy she felt…nothing. Nothing good anyway. If she had to put her thoughts into words she was certain that whoever heard would drive her straight to a mental asylum. Not that those existed anymore.
But seriously. She was so beyond screwed up. Sarah wrapped her blanket tighter around her. The familiar items in her room did not feel comforting today. Instead it felt like her life was suffocating her. In what had quickly become a habit her finger drifted to her forearm and ran lightly over the skin. Each time her finger came across a scar something in her felt relief. The presence of the scars reassured her that on the outside she was just as messed up as she was on the inside. Her body matched her mind.
Sarah's thoughts was drawn to a box that sat in her bedside drawer holding all her secrets. Sitting right beside her sidearm. Today it felt like blood wasn't going to be enough. She felt so empty. So fucking done with it all. She wanted to be free, like a bird, free to fly. And in that box there was something that could help her gain that freedom. Pills. So many of them that it would be ensured to succeed. If Sarah was going to do this she was only going to do this right and once.
But her mind wasn't sure yet. It kept drifting to Chuck. Kind, caring Chuck. In her mind she could see him being devastated when he found out, she knew that she was going to cause him lots of pain. But not as much pain as she was currently causing him by continuing to live. The burden her issues put on him, the fact that she knew he worried whenever she was a little too quiet or when she came and snuggled up next to him. Sarah hated herself for needing his comfort but it was the only thing that made things alright for a while. She tried to only come to him when it was really bad. However she knew that he would check in on her and that he would wait up for her when Chuck knew something had gone bad. It killed her that his life was starting to revolve around her and making sure that she was okay. But it wouldn't for much longer. In the end the choice she was making would cause Chuck some pain but long term it would bring him freedom to be happy. Sarah knew she could not deny Chuck happiness. After all even she had to admit that she loved him.
A breeze floated the curtains a little distracting Sarah from the path her mind had begun to closed her eyes and absorbed the moment. The fresh air on her face, the chatter of people below and the comfort of the blanket around her. Before the darkness in her mind had come she realized that she would be happy at the thought of a lovely day like this. But instead the reality of life and her failures crushed any chance Sarah had of enjoying this moment. In a while there wouldn't be any more moments like this for her. And that thought, well it gave her a little joy…or something like freedom. Having made up her mind it was like for the first time in a long time that she knew exactly what she had to do.
Groaning Sarah threw back the blanket and took a look around her room. There was old takeaway cases. Bandages and pillows were strewn over the floor. It was a mess. Taking in a shaky breathe she faced her challenge. Starting with the pillows she slowly cleaned up the chaos around her. Lastly she opened her curtains and let the full impact of the sun hit her face. It was warm. If only it could give her happiness. She looked at her phone, no messages. No one cared enough to check on her, not even Chuck. Well Sarah thought it confirmed that this was the right choice, they were already moving on.
The box called to her, the darkness in her mind it overwhelmed slightly shaking Sarah pulled it from it's hiding place and caressed the worn leather cover before deftly unlocking it and revealing the contents inside. A few blades and many many pills greeted her eyes. Sarah hesitated, was she really going to do this? Shaking her head she pushed the doubts out of her mind, this was the right thing to do. Sarah knew it in her heart, she had felt peace since making the decision. The only thing that niggled at her was Chuck. What was he going to think? How would he handle it? Sarah knew his family would support him…but still if there was some way she could die without hurting anyone she would take it in a heartbeat. But there wasn't so this was the only way. A tear made it's way down her face, dripping onto one of the blades. Sarah just stared at it glistening on the shiny metal. The symbol of something that had ruined her life and given her so much pain. Yes she needed to do this, for Chuck.