Yesterday's Letter

Olivia tossed her jacket on the chair of her desk. It had been a grueling several hours. She had gone on a case last night shortly after having been told of Elliot's leave and she was now barely getting in. Something was different though. Elliot's effects. When once they had been lying on the desk across from her now was an empty void. She looked at her own desk and a long white envelope lay in the center. Her name was on it. Olivia didn't need to ask who it was from, the hand writing was clear.

Olivia looked around the squad. She was looking for him but her eyes settled on the new woman assigned to the squad.

"Rollins," she said to the other woman. "What's this?" knowing the question was a rhetorical one.

Rollins looked up from her files, "Oh some guy came in after you left last night. He said to give that to you."

"What guy, did he say anything else?" Liv knew she was being ridiculous at this point but she didn't care.

"He was kind of tall, some muscle build. Didn't really say much, just picked up his things, put that on your desk and left."

Olivia looked down at the letter and then picked it up. Her hands started to tremble as she held it. That didn't go unnoticed.

"You okay detective," Rollins asked.

Olivia took a deep breath. She knew she had to keep it together. She had all ready broken down once in the squad room she couldn't afford herself another.

Olivia looked up, "I'm fine."

Without saying a word she gathered up her things.

Olivia wrapped a blanket around herself and turned on a lamp light in her apartment. She sat on the couch and opened the envelope. Her hands trembled as she did so and even more so when she held the actual letter. It was all his hand writing. No typed up letter just a genuine good old fashioned hand written one. She took a deep breath and began to read:

Liv,

I know you must probably hate me right now. I would hate myself if I were in the position you are currently in. I could never hate you though, never. You're probably asking yourself why I pulled off this cloak and dagger routine, why I haven't been answering your calls, why I haven't returned any of your calls or e-mails. I know you deserve better than that and for that I'm sorry but more importantly I'm sorry for putting you through this.

Twelve years is a long time. I don't think I've known anyone who knows me the way you do. It's why I've had to do this. Talking to you would've hurt too much. We have survived countless rapists and psychopaths but we've never been able to survive each other. We've always put ourselves ahead of the job. We know no other way and I don't regret a single minute of it. One look at you and I just knew I wouldn't be able to leave. You're the best partner and friend a guy could ever ask for. You've always had my back even during times when I didn't want it.

Every day we put on the shield we put on the gun and we do our job and get our perps off the street. Don't let what happened between us, my absence, hold you back from doing your job. You're a damn good detective, Liv, and there are countless victims out there who still need you.

Take care. Be safe and be strong.

I love you.

Love Always,

Elliot

Olivia gently folded up the letter. She held her hand to her mouth and tears flooded from her eyes. Yes she wanted to hate him. She wanted to hate him for leaving, for backing out, for not returning her calls or e-mails, for leaving her. She wanted so much more from him always had but circumstance told her it could never happen she accepted it but it didn't mean she had to like it. What would her life be like now? Would she and El still be partners even though he was off the job or would he go on with his life and she with hers with nothing but memories between them? Olivia hated asking herself these questions but she could do nothing else. She reached behind herself and turned off the lamp.

Tears and silence were the only thing filling in the void.

.END.