Wistful
Donna grabbed the nearest socks she could find in the dark and shoved them on quickly, jumping off her bed and heading for the door. The Doctor's scream had woken her, echoing through the halls like something from a nightmare. It was long and drawn out and Donna's first reaction was to cower underneath her bed-clothes. After his cry had subsided and silence had overcome the TARDIS once more, Donna had forced her heart to slow down and got ready to investigate.
Opening the door to the emptiness of the TARDIS, Donna looked up and down the halls. The golden tone that usually illuminated the TARDIS had dulled as the ship knew its inhabitants were sleeping. At Donna's presence, the hallways light grew brighter, but slowly, giving Donna's eyes time to adjust. Donna started down the hall towards were the light was leading. She had never been to The Doctor's room. Didn't even know he had one. She didn't think he would sleep.
The light stopped at an old looking door. It was wooden, like most of the doors in the ship. It was a deep mahogany colour and smelt of old wood. It had a great black handle on it and swirling circles and notes had been carved into the wood at eye level. His name, Donna guessed. It was the same circle-like symbols she had seen many times on that TARDIS screen. It was as good a guess as any to assume they were his native language. An even better guess to say the door had his name carved into it.
"Doctor?" Donna whispered against the door, frightened to speak any louder. "Doctor, are you alright?"
Donna pressed her ear against the door as no reply came. There was a strangled noise coming from behind the door, quiet and subdued. Donna felt a lump form in her throat as her stomach twisted uncomfortably. Everything about being there felt wrong. Like it was a private moment that she was intruding on. But something was telling her to go inside, a soft song-like thought, churning in the back of her mind. She gripped the handle on the door and took a deep breath.
The door creaked in protest as she pushed it open. The light behind her dimmed as the room was opened up to her. Donna blinked a few times to try and adjust to the sudden darkness. She could make out the form of a large, four-poster bed in the centre of the room, the head set against the right wall. Across from it on the left there was what looked like a desk. The shadow of a door could be made out against the back wall, behind the bed. Donna stopped at the door-frame and tried again.
"Doctor? You in there?" Her hushed whisper sounded too loud against the silence.
"Donna?" The sound was strange. A gasp and question at once. Donna couldn't mistake the rasp of someone that had been crying. The room filled with a dull, gold hue. Donna closed the door behind her and looked at the bed as the shape of The Doctor sat up.
He looked... different. He wasn't wearing a shirt or t-shirt and his bare chest was glistening with sweat. His hair wasn't the usual styled wildness but instead a messy mop, bits sticking out in all directions. His eyes were shadowed from where he was sitting, making him look even more out-of place to his normal self.
"Hi," Donna replied, giving him a small smile.
"You don't have to whisper, I am awake," The Doctor said teasingly, a sniff ending his sentence. Donna breathed a laugh and headed towards his bed. Deep, red curtains hung against the sides of his bed. Donna pushed one aside and sat at the end of his bed.
"Love the curtains, very Harry Potter," Donna joked. The Doctor smiled and sat up straighter, resting his body against his hands that were planted firmly on his mattress. His cheeks were shining brighter than his chest. "Doctor, are you alright?"
"What makes you think I'm not?" he replied, looking at her again and giving her a watery smile. Donna sighed and pulled her sleeve over her hand, wiping his cheek lightly with her covered hand.
"I heard you scream a few minutes ago," she said quietly, rubbing his cheek gently. The Doctor looked down and Donna retracted her hand, pushing some stray hairs behind her ear. "What's wrong?"
"I had a... bad dream."
Donna felt her stomach twist again. She pulled The Doctor into a hug, wrapping her arms around his neck and pulling him down to her. The Doctor grabbed her around the waist and held onto her tightly. Donna held her breath as his grip tightened. The Doctor shook underneath her as Donna rubbed his back with her hand, hushing him kindly.
"It's alright. It's alright, I'm here now. It was only a dream," she whispered to him as she felt him cry again. The Doctor held onto her for what felt like ages, but Donna didn't let go. She was terrified. She had seen The Doctor at his worst, the memories of drowning and burning still fresh in her mind. But she had never seen him like this. So lost and scared.
"Sorry," he mumbled, pulling away from her and settling in front of her again. Donna shuffled down to the end of the bed again and sat cross-legged. Pulling her hair back, she tied it into a rough pony-tail with a bobble she had around her wrist.
"Don't be, I'm here to help," Donna said, smiling. The Doctor returned it with a weak one. Donna dropped her hands and fiddled with the sheets in front her legs. All his bed-clothes were white. Donna noticed that the walls on either side of the bed were actually book shelves. Each shelf was full with leather-bound books and new paperbacks. "Got quite a collection."
"What can I say? I love books," The Doctor said, laughing lightly.
Donna looked to the door to her left. There was another double-door to the right of it that was open. It was a closet. The light revealed the closet to have vast collection of shirts and t-shirts, but only three suits. A black one, the brown one and the blue one. But there was a flash of purple that caught her eye. Hidden almost completely from under a pale blue shirt, was the purple blouse Donna had found on her first time ever in the TARDIS.
"So, you have your own bathroom and I have to have mine across the hall?" Donna said, laughing as The Doctor looked at her with a confused stare. The Doctor looked over to the closed door, but Donna saw his eyes catching the closet.
"Just ask the TARDIS to move it for you," he replied dully. Donna nodded in reply and went back to fiddling with the bed-sheets.
"What did you dream about?" she asked softly. The Doctor's face hardened as he forced himself to look away from the closet.
"My home," The Doctor replied so quietly he could have just mouthed it. "About the war that destroyed it. I dreamt about my family, my friends..."
"I'm sorry-"
"Don't be. It was a long time ago," The Doctor cut across hurriedly. "I dreamt about other things too. I'm used to the nightmares about my home but-" The Doctor paused for a long time and Donna began to think he wasn't going to continue. "Some nightmares I still can't get used to."
Donna nodded in understanding. After the Sontarans had invaded, she had been plagued with nightmares for days afterwards. She couldn't even begin to think what it must be like for The Doctor. To dream forever of everything he'd lost.
"I was dreaming about my Dad tonight," Donna said after a long time of silence. "Just a normal dream. Not a nightmare or anything. Just sort of, remembering." The Doctor nodded and waited for her to continue, watching her softly. Donna looked away from his gaze and focussed on the sheets.
"He died. Just after Christmas," she said, her voice cracking at the last word. "We were lucky to have him for so long really. He was sick, really sick. Granddad always went on saying how he shouldn't have out-lived him."
"I'm sorry, Donna."
"Thanks," Donna breathed. She gave The Doctor a smile. "Doctor, can I ask you a question?" The Doctor furrowed his brow and waited for her to continue. Donna licked her lips nervously.
"Back on that Sontaran ship, when you asked me to fix the dead-something or other," she glanced at The Doctor, but he said nothing. "I was really, really scared. I didn't want to do it. I wanted to hide in the TARDIS. I actually was beginning to... regret coming with you. I wanted to go back home to Granddad and Mum. I wanted to be safe."
The Doctor said nothing once more, but shifted uncomfortably.
"And, I've felt awful ever since then for thinking like that. I don't want to go home, I want to stay here and travel with you, forever," Donna continued. The Doctor closed his eyes at her last word and a pained look overcame him. Donna kept going anyway, knowing that if she didn't ask now she never would. "And, I was just wondering. What would Rose have been like?"
"What?" The Doctor gasped. Donna guessed that he wasn't thinking she would ask that at all and waited patiently for him to grasp what she was trying to ask. But when he said nothing, she started to explain.
"You've never said much about her. And Martha has only told me a little bit about travelling with you, so I'm not quite sure how I should have reacted. I mean, if Rose was in my situation back in that ship. And it was her you called, what would she have done? And I want you to tell me the truth, Doctor. Because I'll know if you're lying and that'll hurt more than whatever you say."
The Doctor watched Donna carefully and this time she shifted uncomfortably. Worry started to course through her. She had never mentioned Rose, not once. Not since she had asked about her when she met him again. Now she was worried she had crossed some invisible line. She swallowed thickly as The Doctor looked away.
"She wouldn't have hesitated. She would've done whatever it took to get back to me," he said sadly. Donna nodded quickly and wiped her watering eyes.
"I thought so," she said. The Doctor grabbed Donna's hands and looked at her, smiling fondly, but his eyes warning.
"Donna, don't you compare yourself to her," he said sternly. "Rose was different to you. Not better, not less, different. You, Donna Noble, are brilliant and I'm so, so, so lucky to have found you. But don't compare yourself to Rose. Martha did, and I think even if what happened didn't happen, that still would've have made her leave." Donna nodded silently in reply.
So Rose wouldn't have hesitated. Donna wasn't surprised really. The way The Doctor used to talk about her, back when they first met. Guilt poured into her suddenly. Rose would've done anything while Donna had been regretting the greatest the decision of her life. Donna imagined a faceless girl, listening intently to The Doctor's orders and doing everything he said with eagerness. Jealously stabbed slightly at the thought.
"Donna," The Doctor's voice brought her out of her thoughts. Donna looked at him again. "Donna, Rose was young when I brought her into this life. Much, much younger than you. You've spent most of your life in the brilliantly domestic ways of Earth while Rose had barely started hers. When I took her into my life, into this life, it was really the only one she knew. With you it's different. It's a bigger change. Family and home mean more to you. That's nothing to be ashamed of."
"Really?" Donna asked, as a weight lifting at his words. The Doctor gave her his best grin.
"Really." Donna laughed lightly and The Doctor squeezed her hands before pulling back. "Besides, you were brilliant back on that ship. Your Dad would've been proud."
"Yeah, maybe," Donna replied softly, wiping her eyes again. They sat in silence for a long time, the only sound being the gentle hum of the TARDIS. Donna watched The Doctor carefully. He was leaning back on his hands again, looking down. His chest had dried, but his cheeks were still glistening in the golden light. The blanket was turned around his legs, making Donna think how he must've been kicking in his sleep to get so tangled.
"My Dad wouldn't have believed me if I told him about all this," Donna said, laughing as she remembered her father. "You should've heard him go on sometimes. Him and Granddad, up on the hill, scanning the skies for aliens. Drove Mum up the wall." The Doctor laughed and looked up at the new conversation. "But Mum loved him. She really did. Hasn't been the same since."
"I'm sorry," The Doctor said, sobering at the end of her statement. Donna smiled gratefully.
"Nah, I always thought it was sweet. Knowing there was someone that made Mum so happy. Even if they did go at it like cats and dogs sometimes," Donna laughed as memories of her father overcame her. The Doctor grinned softly. "Oh, she used to hate it when Dad and Granddad went on one of their "sci-fi rants" as she used to call them. Used to say that Dad would be carted off to Bedlam assuming she didn't kill him first. God, me and Dad would laugh about it for ages."
"He sounds like a good man," The Doctor said kindly. Donna's smile grew wider as tears prickled her eyes again.
"Yeah, he was." The Doctor nodded softly and they fell into silence again. A comfortable one this time. Donna felt so much better. Talking to The Doctor about her Dad made her feel like something that had been crushing her chest had been removed. She hadn't talked about her father properly since he had died. But something about talking to The Doctor made it easier. Probably because he was her best-mate. She had had friends before, but none like The Doctor. He was her best-friend, her brother. He was someone she could really open up to.
Donna smiled again as another memory came. "Granddad loved Dad. Loved him since he walked through the door. They always got on great. Dad really admired Granddad. Oh, but Gran... God, it took her years to accept him as Mum's choice. Boy, she used to slap him!"
They both laughed at the thought and Donna felt herself get lighter. The Doctor looked down, a sad smile playing on his lips. Donna knew The Doctor, and knew it would take a long time before he opened up to her. Martha had warned her of that. But Donna didn't care. She was The Doctor's friend, and she would wait until he was ready to talk. Besides, he was good at listening to her. That would do for now.
"Rose's mum used to slap me," The Doctor said softly, shaking his head and laughing lightly. Donna fell silent, scared that if she said anything he'd pull away back into himself. "Boy, did she slap me. Beat me around that flat, she did!" Donna laughed at the thought of someone's mother slapping The Doctor. The Doctor sat up straighter and starting playing with the bed-clothes.
"Jacqueline Tyler, the most terrifying person I ever met," he joked as Donna laughed with him. "Everytime we went back for a visit, Jackie would come right on up and whack me! Oh, you should've seen the one she gave me after Rose's first trip! My cheek is still stinging!" The Doctor rubbed his left cheek for emphasis making Donna laugh harder.
"Sounds like my kind of woman," she jested, pushing The Doctor playfully.
"Yeah, you'd have liked her," he said sadly. He breathed in dramatically and threw Donna another smile. "Still... gone now."
Donna felt her smile fade and once again found herself fidgeting. A loose thread this time becoming the object of her thoughts. The small white strand stuck out from her pyjamas and wove about her fingers as the words she wanted to say rolled around awkwardly in her mouth. She bit her bottom lip, running phrases over her head, each once sounding as invasive as the last. The Doctor talked to her about everything, yet nothing. This was the most he had shared with her really so far. And even then, it wasn't much.
"What was she like?" Donna finally said, pressing all other questions aside. The Doctor was gazing at the closet again, and a sad smile played across his lips and his face lit up at some memory Donna was not part of.
"She was fantastic."
Donna waited for him to continue, but he didn't. They sat in silence for a while, the TARDIS humming softly.
"Everyone always tells you, 'it'll get better'. That the pain and... loss will pass. But it doesn't really, does it?"
The Doctor didn't reply for a long time. But Donna didn't notice. Her mind was consumed with thoughts of her father and all she had never done with him. How she had never taken his "alien talk" seriously. Then The Doctor came along and turned her whole world upside-down. She and her father had only just gotten started... Regret stabbed painfully and Donna watched as tears rolled off her cheeks. The Doctor shifted in front her, still not looking her in the eye. But she could still see the tear roll off his nose and fall to the blanket.
"No, not really," he said, the TARDIS' hum falling to near silence at his words.
"You really cared about her, didn't you?" Donna asked, the question leaving her before she could swallow it. "I mean, you in a flat. Facing her mother. Bit, domestic don't you think?"
"It was different with her," The Doctor replied. "I mean, doing all that domestic stuff. She made it... so appealing. She could make peeling potatoes into something- fantastic." He grinned and laughed at something Donna wasn't shared in. She felt a pierce of jealously once more. "Rose made domestic look so bloody magnificent that although I took her everywhere and anywhere, having a cup of tea, sitting on a comfy chair, watching bad sitcoms seemed just as wonderful".
Donna forced a smile. She wanted to say something about her Dad, but couldn't bring herself to. She loved him still, but talking about him so wistfully... she didn't think she was quite ready for it yet. Suddenly, something caught her eye as the TARDIS shifted its lights ever so slightly. A glint of gold, or something like it, sparked from just below The Doctor's pillow. Without thinking, Donna leaned forward and grabbed the small object. The Doctor made to grab her hand, but Donna was too quick.
The ring shimmered in the light like the gold was filled with diamonds the size of dust particles. A rose vine had been carved into the metal so delicately it was as if the ring was made of glistening sand and someone had traced a stick around it. The vines curled and swirled around each other with some rose-buds and blooms etched into them, circling the full ring. The ring was beautiful and tragic at the same time. Donna felt her eyes fill with tears once more. The Doctor swallowed, hand stretched out slightly as if trying to grab an invisible person's hand.
"Was this for-?" Need she ask? She already knew.
"Like I said... she made domestic look so, fantastic." The last word by now sounded more heartbreaking than any sob or cry that could've escaped him. Donna felt her heart twist in her chest for him.
"It's beautiful," she said, handing it back to him.
The Doctor closed his fingers around the ring so tightly his knuckles paled. Donna wished she knew what happened to Rose. She remembered The Doctor said she was alive... but he could've been bluffing at the time. It seemed likely. Donna wanted so badly to just reach out and take hold of the girl that had him so broken. To take her and bring her back, just so seem him happy. Truly happy. But she wished the same for her mother after her father died... And neither was going to happen.
"She would've loved it."
"I like to think so."
But we'll never know, was the thought than ran through Donna's head as The Doctor placed the ring back under his pillow.
"Thank you, Donna."
"No, thank you, Doctor. For everything."
The Doctor gave her his best grin and hugged Donna tightly. Donna held onto The Doctor's thin frame. She pulled away and got up, straightening out her pyjamas.
"Goodnight, Doctor."
"Night, Donna."
The TARDIS hummed in response to both and The Doctor laughed as Donna burst into a fit of giggles.