Bah Humbug, a darkwing duck fanfic

Bah Humbug.

By Christina (Kitty) Smith

He was gone. No one was really sure where he went but at the moment, they were enjoying their peace. It was the night of December 24 in St. Canard. Snow was falling, children were giddy from their recess from school, and those who celebrated the plethora of holidays in this month were slaves to last minute shopping. Actually, at this time of year it was even scary to be a villain. Sometimes, you just had to sit back and take a few days off while the populace was too busy fighting each other over the season's hot items to even notice an attempted hold up. In fact, just the day before, Quackerjack had tried to rob a toy store only to be jumped by angry mothers whose children were expecting what the jester had pilfered. He was still sulking with an icepack over his black eye.

The clown's down trodden pride only added to the serenity. With out him bobbing around like a buoy the other three could really appreciate the fact that Negaduck hadn't been around for a few days. Bushroot, though always irritable about the treatment of trees during the holidays, was pretty passive. The Liquidator, though he didn't enjoy the cold, was in surprisingly good spirits. And Megavolt, well…

"You! The green one on the left! Yeah you! Why are you blinking!? The rest of them aren't! Are you trying to be a rebel or something? Did you miss rehearsal?" He shouted at the string of colored lights that Quackerjack had strung up on Negaduck's chair, or as he liked to call it his "throne". The rest of them liked Quackerjack's name for it better: the Big Scary Chair, or the BSC for short.

It was solid black wood, with nicks carved out of it from Negaduck's habit of playing with sharp knives. It was accented with ghastly faces and had cloven hooves as feet. But with a string of multicolored bulbs glowing steadily, and one green one blinking, it looked drastically less menacing. The electrified rodent tugged on his whiskers in annoyance.

"What's your name?" He shouted at the winking green 'rebel'. "Randal? Is this some kind of joke?" He blinked and stared at the bulb in question for a moment as if carefully listening to an invisible voice. "Oh yes… I see. What? Oh gee I dunno gimme a second… Wait! No my refrigerator is NOT running? Oooo!"

Bushroot couldn't help but look up from his poinsettias. It was always interesting to watch Megavolt argue with his light bulbs. No one could say he wasn't talking to them, Bushroot least of all. Because really, no one else could talk to plants, though the plants did respond in a way that was proof they could hear him. Bushroot watched the rodent have a bit of a meltdown and start shooting off random sparks of electricity from the prongs on his head. Spike nuzzled up against his leg and he looked down to see the Venus fly trap holding something.

"Whatcha got there boy?" He asked gently and removed the plush object from his pet's mouth.

There was an angry sizzle and he looked up to see Megavolt blinking at a large puddle that was steaming. Great. Liqui would not be happy when he woke up. Bushroot sighed and turned his gaze back to the thing in his hand. He figured it might have been referred to as a doll, but due to its altogether hideousness he would not have chosen that word. It looked like a demented version of the popular Quackypatch doll that was in such high demand this year from little girls all over the world. In fact, it looked to have been one of those dolls, only personally modified to be unattractive. He patted Spike's head soothingly and turned his gaze to the moping jester in the corner.

"Hey, Quackerjack I think you dropped this."

Quackerjack looked at him sadly removing the icepack from his bruised eye. When he saw the doll he raised an eyebrow but a smile crept across his face. Interesting reaction, Bushroot thought to himself. The jester hopped off the crate he was sitting on and bounded over to him. He pulled out a large pair of gag glasses with enormous magnifying lenses and snatched the doll away.

"Oh.. my, my!" He giggled turning the mean looking doll around in his hands delicately. "This isn't mine. Are you trying to take over my bit fern face?" Quackerjack frowned at him.

"No way, Spike found it." Bushroot responded quickly, what a stupid thing to say. Why would he care about toys?

"Interesting… hey doggie! Why don't we play a little game?" Quackerjack smiled at Spike who shifted behind Bushroot's legs.

"It's really not yours?" Bushroot asked. Quackerjack shook his head.

"This is the work of a complete amateur." He responded airily. "I mean, there aren't any gags or anything! Just a repaint… boring really." He said sounding a tad disappointed.

"So, whose is it then?"

"What is it?" Megavolt asked as he gave Randal one last glare.

"A dolly." Quackerjack answered holding up the doll for the rat to see.

"Randal says it's his, but I wouldn't trust him…" Megavolt shot a bolt at the light, it continued to blink.

"I don't think the Liquidator has any interest in dolls…" Bushroot concluded as he took the freakish toy back from Quackerjack.

"uUuUhHh…," groaned the puddle, "All signs point to no."

The three solidified villains looked at the doll. If it wasn't any of theirs… no. It couldn't be.

"What are you KNOBS doing sitting around!" Demanded a harsh voice. There was a growl. "AND what did you do to my throne?!"

Bushroot quickly hid the doll behind his back and straightened up, the others repeating his startled prim posture. The short yellow suited mallard looked primed to explode.

"N…Negaduck! When did you get back?"

"Too soon for my tastes." He grumbled and stalked toward the lot of them. "I suppose you all were enjoying your little break? Having tea parties?"

" S'not a bad idea…" Quackerjack said quietly.

"Well you ladies can calm down I'm not going to hang around here with you losers." He growled and eyed the 'throne' with disgust.

"Well then what are you doing back?" Megavolt asked, putting himself between the boss and his lights. It appeared no matter how infuriating Randal was, the rodent wasn't going to let Negaduck destroy the lot of lights.

"I forgot some stuff." He snarled with a tremble inspiring glare. "What are you my mother?" Negaduck starting grumbling to himself as he took off toward his part of the warehouse, his black and red lined cape billowing behind him.

Bushroot let out a relieved breath. He heard the Liquidator regaining his form behind him and Megavolt hissing a warning to the always problematic bulb. He was just about to go back to his flowers when a revving chain saw rang through the still air. He felt his petals start to shake.

"Alright! Who's been touching my stuff!" Flared the angry duck brandishing his favorite weapon.

Spike whimpered and hid under the table. Bushroot took a glance at the doll, his throat going dry… it really couldn't be. The chainsaw came nearer.

"Hey! Bozo you been snooping around in my loot?!" Negaduck barked at Quackerjack who quickly shook his head. The duck's hard eyes locked onto the preoccupied Megavolt. "How about you Sparky?" Megavolt winced at the nickname, but simply shook his head. "Drippy?"

"The safety of your swag is always on the Liquidator's list!" He answered hurriedly.

Bushroot swallowed hard. It really couldn't be.

"Bush brain… I'm surprised at you." The chainsaw was closer than ever.

"I… I didn't take anything… b..b..but Spike found this!" Bushroot held out the doll. Negaduck narrowed his eyes at him.

"The mutt huh? Remind me to put some arsenic in his flower pot…" Negaduck frowned but silenced the weapon. He snatched the doll cruelly from his leafy hands and crammed it in his pocket. "You ding bats better be ready to get back to work, I won't be gone long. And when I get back, those idiotic lights better not be on my throne or I'll shove them down your throat! Got it?"

They all nodded frantically. Negaduck gave them all one last glare, slung the silent chainsaw over his shoulder and left. Bushroot nearly fainted.

"Why would Mr. Grumpypants want a dolly?" Asked the unmistakable voice of Mr. Banana Brain.

"I dunno," Quackerjack scratched his head thoughtfully.

There was a single stocking hanging in the house. The effect being more unsettling than festive to the eyes of those who lived there. It was bright red, with fluffy white bits and delicately hung with a shining golden bow. Where the child had found such a thing was another question all on its own. No one had seen her hang it either; he had to commend her on being sneaky. The tall glass of milk was settled next to a few perfectly baked cookies, he resisted the urge to gag upon seeing it. She had been asleep for hours now, her curly head filled with stupid dreams of jolly fat men with smelly woodland animals, or those sugar plum things. He never understood just what the hell a sugar plum was supposed to be anyway. Grenades he understood. Bombs? Got it. But what in the world was a sugar plum? He stared at the stocking, feeling a bit hesitant. He wasn't sure why he was going to do what he was about to do. But what was the use in thinking about it? He took the ugly doll out of his pocket and crammed it in the oversized red sock. He glared at it for a long minute then trudged up the stairs, leaving his chainsaw by the door. Christmas? In the Negaverse? Bah humbug.

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Aww. Negs is a big softy deep down inside. X3 After I did my other two holiday fics a few people asked if I would do another one for the impending festivities. I hadn't originally planned on it… but look what happened. Happy holidays everyone!