A/N: Isn't this lovely? I've posted two new fics in the space of two weeks! I guess I'm not really on hiatus, then. I blame it on my shiny new laptop.
This is total crack (the filename is totalcrack(dot)docx, in fact) and should not be taken anywhere near seriously. It's also completely idiotic and you may lose all respect for me as a writer once you've read this. Ah well. It's your loss.
I think this may also be my last crack!fic. :O It's been a long time since you saw me doing this, hasn't it? Gosh, the last one was written back in August! And that one wasn't anywhere near as silly as this, haha. Taking on all these challenges has been fun, but now it's getting a little old. Of course, you're still welcome to send me your requests - though I don't know when or if I'll do them.
Here's a not-so-memorable exit:
Turf Wars
written for Your Favourite Puppet
xx
"How is the plan proceeding?" asked Jinno, tapping his foot impatiently.
"Very well!" said Mikan cheerfully, in contrast to her rather menacing outfit. The other two, Jinno and Anna Umenomiya, were dressed in much the same style – a smoothly elegant Italian suit and dark sunglasses to match.
"Hmm. Would you care to elaborate, Miss Sakura?" said Jinno, frowning. These recent initiates would really need some more training.
"I gave Anna's anti-Alice cookies to the whole class including Narumi-sensei this morning, and they should start working very soon! And the bees are ready for release. I tested them myself!"
"... on yourself?" said Anna.
"Yep!" she replied proudly. Jinno shook his head and sighed.
"And you, Miss Umenomiya?"
"Uh... I made cookies?"
"They were really good!" Mikan piped up. "I tested them myself too!"
Jinno made a mental note to retest Mikan's mental abilities. Well, at least the Nullification Alice was almost useless anyway. "And you are sure that the mind reader in your class has not found out anything previously?"
"I think so," Anna said nervously. "I mean, Koko would tell me if he did, right? I am his girlfriend, after all. And I never think any mafia kind of thoughts when I'm with him. I'm sure. But..."
"Yes?"
"I'm starting to suspect something about him!" she said. "And not just because he ate almost half the cookies by himself. It might be the clothes. He's started wearing all this flashy jewellery and baseball caps backwards and baggy jeans and hoodies. Could he be... a gangsta?"
Mikan gasped. "Oh, no! I was thinking the same thing about Hotaru... but surely not! She can't be!"
Jinno frowned. "I will look into it. For now, make sure that neither of them suspects anything more of our activities, though try your best to find out more about theirs. It will only be a matter of days before our plans are complete."
"Okay, boss," said Mikan, giving a nod of acknowledgement. "I'll do it!"
xx
Now that Jinno thought about it, both Anna and Mikan were right – Koko and Hotaru did look suspiciously gangsta-like. Still, Anna looked like she might be getting somewhere with her boyfriend; Jinno could see her raising her CoolGangsterShades (tm) to innocently ask him some questions.
"So... where'd you get this necklace from, then?" she asked, holding up a gold chain with a heavy cross.
"Hey dude, get off my bling!" said Koko as he pulled it out of her hands. "Ma homies got it for me down in da hood."
"Okay," Anna said hesitantly. Was that gangsta-speak?, she wondered.
"Yo, blud," said Koko, waving a ring-encrusted hand in front of her face. "You in there?". Anna jumped, realising what she had just been thinking. Have those cooki- oh no! If they didn't then he can sti- I mean, what's Narumi-sensei wearing?, she thought desperately.
Koko looked a little bemused before turning his head to look at Narumi. "Fo' da pizz of da shizzle!" he said. Anna jumped at the profanity. "He's got normal clothes on!" Koko continued.
"I know!" squealed Anna, half in shock and half in confusion. She clutched Koko's hand. It was true – Narumi was wearing nothing more unusual than a pair of jeans and a shirt, and not even a colourful shirt at that. "Can you read his mind? What happened to him?"
Koko screwed up his eyes and concentrated. "Woah... some bad shizzle happened down there, fo' realz!"
"What? Tell me!"
"Looks like Misaki-sensei is gettin' it on with Yuka Azumi," Koko said in an undertone. "Dude, bros before hos, blud!"
"What?" said Anna. She shook her head. "I mean, who? Yuka Azumi as in Mikan's mum Yuka?"
"Yeah."
"Oh, okay – wait, no! Misaki-sensei?! But he was meant to end up with me and-forward-slash-or Nonoko!" she wailed.
"Uh... right," said Koko. "Yeah. Ya remember that ya have a boyfriend, right?"
"... I'm sorry, Koko! But Misaki-sensei is just so... cool!" She sighed dramatically. "Fine! I guess it's worse for Narumi since he liked both of them... who are now together..."
"Class," said Narumi miserably. Very miserably. Even Natsume looked up, so unusual was that tone in Narumi's voice. "Actually... no, never mind. Go back to whatever you were doing."
"Do you think we should do something?" whispered Mikan, sitting behind Anna.
"How about-" started Anna, but was interrupted by a strangely familiar voice. In her head.
Naru's gettin' low but when's it gonna go, Koko's in da house gotta kick it to the... mouse? Louse?
"Did you hear that?!" said Mikan, holding her head in surprise. "Koko? Was that you?"
"I ain't hearin' anythin'!" cried Koko. There was a loud clank of metal as he shook his head vigorously.
"I just heard your voice in my head!" Anna exclaimed. "Were you... rapping?!"
"A pretty crap one," muttered Sumire from the back of the classroom next to her new boyfriend, Luca.
"Does that mean... he's a gan-" started Nonoko, but she was interrupted by-
HEY!
Everyone in the classroom winced simultaneously.
"What's wrong with you?" said Sumire.
"Me? I dunno! I can't hear anything!" Where've all da voices gone, yo?
"Yo dawg, your Alice is working in reverse, yeah?" said Hotaru.
"What?" said Mikan. She had not quite gotten used to Hotaru's new style of speaking.
Sumire snorted at Koko's pained expression. "Loser."
Everyone winced again as Koko's thoughts suddenly became very violent.
"Koko, please calm down," said Narumi. Miserably. "Does anyone want to own up to this event? No? I didn't think so."
Anna and Mikan, however, were sharing meaningful looks. Evidently, someone had eaten a little too many anti-Alice cookies.
"Can you make an antidote?" whispered Mikan. "I don't like having these thoughts in my head... it's creeping me out."
"He was rapping! Like, gangsta rap!" Anna whispered back.
"Is this what you get all the time?" said Sumire loudly to Koko above Mikan and Anna's conversation.
Shizzle to the pizzle trash it to the cap!
"Hah?" said the rest of the class – except Hotaru – as one. Even Luca's bunny squeaked in confusion.
"We need some Alice blockers," said Sumire. "I don't want this idiot's voice in my head all day! Luca, what are you doing? Put that rabbit down!"
The rabbit in question glared at Sumire before crossing its front legs and sulking, if rabbits could glare and sulk. Luca patted it and shrugged.
"I can make a remedy," said Anna to the whole class, ignoring Koko's unintelligible rap-type thoughts.
"Great. Go do it then," said Narumi. Still looking miserable.
Anna looked around the class for assurance before dashing out the door, presumably heading for the kitchens. Mikan sighed. This was not how the plan was supposed to be! She needed her backup gang member! And Anna was being awfully helpful for a mafia grunt.
Behind her, Sumire was listening to very loud music in an attempt to drown out the horrors of Koko's gangsta thoughts.
"Sumire? Hello? Are you listening?" said Luca, touching her shoulder to get her attention.
"What?" she snapped. "Hello, I was in the middle of Faking My Own Suicide!" She brandished the mp3 player; Luca seemed momentarily confused by her sentence, as did a few others in the class who whispered something about, "Doesn't look very realistic".
"Bu-"
"Don't disturb me!"
"Er... please don't do that, and Bunny says that you were being mean to him," Luca said as he turned off the device. She gave him a glare ferocious enough to melt iron. Still, Luca did look very worried, so... "You didn't... eat him, did you?"
"What?! I was not mean to that fluffball! And how could I have eaten him, huh? He's right there! Anyway, he started it."
The bunny made a "hmph!" noise and glared at her again.
"Sumire..." said Luca.
"He bit me!" shouted Sumire, surprising most of the class with that outburst – she shook a plastered finger in Luca's face. "Last night!"
The bunny squeaked and made various rabbitty noises before gesturing to a red mark on its stomach and then at Sumire.
"Hey! I never knew you two were fighting!" said Luca, looking slightly confused.
"I was not fi-" Sumire's defence was interrupted by Koko's loud and angry thoughts consisting mainly of "Shut that shizzle up!" coursing through everyone's heads. She turned her mp3 player back on and put the earphones in her ears, presumably finishing off the Reliant K album.
"The sooner Anna gets back, the better," said Luca, sighing. "I'm going to talk to you two later."
"I've got it!" exclaimed Nonoko, scribbling frantically on a piece of paper. She finished with a large flourish and held up her pen triumphantly. "I've got the chemical equation for it! Now, these cancel out and these will donate an electron which is taken up by Ga plus and okay, there are exactly two gangstas in this class and therefore exactly two gangsters!"
"Shut up," said Sumire irritably, for she could hear Nonoko's high pitched ramble through her music. "Can't you see we're in the middle of a couple's quarrel, not to mention this song?"
"Are you jealous of my bunny?" said Luca, eyes wide with concern.
"That thing is jealous of me!" yelled Sumire.
"Be quiet!" shouted Mikan. She needed to hear what Koko thought about Nonoko's pronouncement!
Two gangsta's is right yo, that's me and Ho- mack it to the shiz! People can hear me!
"I knew it!" said Nonoko triumphantly. "Koko's a gangsta! Who's the other one?"
"No-one cares," said Narumi tiredly. "Anna, come in."
"Here it is!" she said, hurrying back into the classroom with a tray of yoghurt in her hands. "I got this out – I mean, I made this – as soon as I could. If you all just wear one of these-" she brandished a pile of terrifyingly large sombreros and started handing them out – "and take a cup of this mousse each, this should work!"
"Wassup with da hats, dawg?" said Hotaru suspiciously. Hers had a coconut inside.
"It will channel the Alice power in the strawberry mousses," Anna replied. "Trust me, it always works! Oh, sorry, that fruit was for an experiment. You can take those out if you want!"
The rest of the class didn't look too convinced. Natsume seemed more interested in how flammable the sombrero he had just been given was, while Sumire was eyeing hers with undisguised disgust.
"Are you sure about this, Anna?" said Mikan, poking the hat in front of her and removing an apple and a mango that had made it their home. "Your mousses look really nice, but..."
"They have an Amplification Alice in them!" she said, putting one on to demonstrate and catching the plum that fell out. The hat didn't really go well with her outfit, not with the CoolGangsterShades (tm) and dark jacket. "And they're perfectly safe, I refined them all with the fruit! They might be a bit sticky, though... fruit juice does tend to have that effect..."
"Ooh, did Tono-sempai do them for you?" said Mikan, eagerly picking hers up in response to this new piece of information.
"... with a little persuasion from Jinno-sensei, yes," replied Anna. She winked at Mikan, who didn't notice due to the CoolGangsterShades (tm) obscuring Anna's eyes.
The class grumbled a bit, but eventually the whole class was 'hatted' – even Natsume whose facial expression could have caused the weak-minded to pass out with fear, and Narumi who looked strangely uplifted by this piece of flamboyant clothing.
"Okay, now just eat the strawberry mousse! It should help to block Alices," Anna told the class.
Everyone knew how good Anna's cooking was, so there were no hesitations here. Pretty soon, the pots of mousse had been wiped clean and the whole class were basking in the joy of not having Koko's voice as a constant dialogue in their mind, not to mention the sheer deliciousness of that mousse. Even Narumi and Luca's bunny looked content, as opposed to utterly despondent and glowering.
"We found out that Koko's a gangsta," whispered Mikan to Anna
She nodded absentmindedly and said, "And I found out that Narumi-sensei's depressed because Misaki-sensei's-" she added a melodramatic groan to that name –"going out with your mum – hey what?! Say that again!"
"I just said, we found out that Koko's a gangst- no wait, what did you say? He's going out with my mum?"
"Yes, but what?! Oh no, Koko!"
It was a well-known fact that the mortal enemy of the gangsters were the gangstas. True, Anna had indeed had her suspicions, but to hear them confirmed... this was really too much. How could her boyfriend be part of them? They were meant to be lovers, not enemies! This was just like Romeo and Juliet! Hopefully neither of them would commit suicide, though... and they were definitely not married yet... and hopefully Koko wouldn't murder Jinno-sensei... or something... this was not a good line of thought!
"And Nonoko said that there's two of them here," Mikan was saying. Anna tried to concentrate.
"Who else?"
"I dunno yet. Since when did my mum ever talk to Misaki-sensei? And I thought he liked Narumi-sensei!"
"Oh no!" said Anna in alarm. "Well, they'd better not spoil Operation Kamikaze Bees... and hey! Misaki-sensei was obviously meant to end up with me and-forward-slash-or Nonoko not Narumi-sensei! Or your mum! But... oh no! Koko! Gangsta!"
"Wassup?" said Koko, hearing his name in the midst of a forest of exclamation marks. He was still rather disorientated since the usual voices in his head hadn't come back.
"Oh... nothing..." said Anna, rubbing her hands nervously. "I can't believe you're a gangsta... is it really true?"
"I shoulda told you, dawg, I know," said Koko. He wasn't really sure what to say, since he had almost always relied on his Alice to tell him. Anna, however, was thankful that he couldn't hear what was going through her mind at this moment. But for now, she needed to concentrate on this afternoon's operation.
"Narumi, if I could have a moment with Mikan Sakura and Anna Umenoyima?" a voice asked from the doorway.
"Whatever," said Narumi, gesturing without much enthusiasm at the two girls. They turned round, surprised – it was Jinno, dressed in his trademark Armani suit. With the CoolGangsterShades (tm) on, of course.
"We have an unexpected problem with the bees," he said as soon as the classroom door had closed. "They seem to have escaped."
Mikan gulped. "Escaped, boss?"
Jinno pointed outside.
"Uh, is that Tsubasa-sempai?" said Mikan, squinting at the figure dashing around the grounds.
"Tsubasa and bees," said Jinno. He swirled around to glare at the girls. "Your failures will not go unpunished! One more wrong move, and you will be demoted."
There were two things that Mikan and Anna decided not to tell him – one, that they were already at the very bottom of the mafia's chain of command, and two, the overpowered cookies incident.
"Yes, boss," said Anna.
"You may go now," said Jinno as he walked away down the corridor.
"What about Tsubasa?" said Anna to Mikan. "Those bees are suicidally deadly!"
"I know!" said Mikan, watching him jump around and swear rather aggressively. "We need to get them away from him!"
"This doesn't feel very gangster-like," Anna commented as they ran out into the field holding a couple of pots of sweet strawberry mousse each. Mikan nodded.
"Holy effing frick these bees are trying to kill me!" gasped Tsubasa as he ran around a tree.
"Er, yes, they are," said Anna, holding up her pot and moving her arms around so that she spelt out a come-here command in sophomore. The bees obediently flew inside.
"That was quick," said Mikan. "Very well trained, you see!"
Tsubasa looked between the two of them with confusion before saying, "Right, well, thanks. Phew."
"Maybe you should go to the school hospital," Mikan suggested. "Those bees might have had a fatal poison in their stings. Not that I'd know, of course. But just in case... you know..."
Tsubasa looked at her with even more scepticism. Then he shrugged and said, "Okay. I guess I'll drop by." A few bees buzzed mournfully, stuck in his hair gel.
"Bye!" called Mikan happily as he walked off.
xx
Back in the classroom, Natsume was burning sombreros. Huh, Tono-sempai indeed... Narumi would normally have placed a hand on his shoulder and asked him politely and slightly suggestively if he wanted a kiss, but he didn't look to be in the mood today. So Natsume continued his spree of arson.
"Natsume, stop doing that!" said Sumire, wrinkling her nose and looking up from a doodle (a love umbrella with the letters NL and SS underneath). "It smells disgusting!"
Luca's bunny chirruped in agreement, before realising who it was agreeing with and instead sulking again.
"Natsume, stop it," said Luca resignedly. "I'm sure Anna spent a long time making those."
To tell the truth, Anna's efforts totalled some threatening letters and ransom notes and a few phone calls to some higher-ups in the mafia, but Luca wasn't to know.
"Well, she's back anyway," said Sumire, breathing through a hankerchief and pointing at the two girls entering the classroom. "What's she holding?"
"Are you sure that's her?" said Luca. They were wearing odd outfits – completely black, with face masks – and carrying a large box.
"I gue-"
"No-one move!" shouted one of the girls in black, slamming the door open. They both stepped inside, then slammed the door shut. The class flinched twice in quick succession. "This is a hold-up!"
"Gangsters!" cried Nonoko.
"We said, no-one move!" the second girl in black shouted back, waving the box menacingly in Nonoko's face.
Natsume snorted. "Yeah, right," he said as he lit a flame on his finger. The girl took a step back from Nonoko.
"Anna, I thought you said the cookies were ready!" she hissed to her partner.
"Sorry!" her partner hissed back. "Wait... there!"
Natsume looked down. His flame had gone out. Well, that was just irritating.
"Stupid anti-Alice plots," he muttered as he sat back down again.
"Now, do the gangstas want to do this nicely or do we have to let out... the bees?" said the girl holding the box of what were presumably angry bees. "You're going to step forward now, both of you, or the whole class gets the bee treatment!"
"These are specially bred kamikaze bees from north Sweden," the other girl told the class. "They're highly venomous too."
The class shrank back. "Koko, step forwards! You heard what she said!" Sumire said.
"Oh yeah, you're a definite gangsta, aren't you?" said one of the girls. The other made a faint noise of despair. "Well, step forwards then! And who's your partner?"
"I ain't sayin' fo' no shiz, dawg," said Koko.
"So you want the bees then, right?" said the girl, flourishing the bee box. "Well, there you go!" She opened it.
Nothing happened.
"Anna, what's happening?" said the girl with the non-bee box.
The other girl looked around the classroom. Then she gasped. "Oh no! Did someone burn my hats?!"
Natsume held up the sad remains of a once proud sombrero.
"The smoke must have stunned the bees!" she said. "And those hats cost me a lot of effort, I'll have you know!" she said to Natsume. "How horrible!"
"Anna's a gangster?" said Sumire sceptically. "Wow. I never knew you had in you, little goody-girl."
"Hey!" cried Anna. "That's confidential information!" She glanced at Koko, whose face was frozen in shock (and it wasn't just the permanent smile).
"You... Anna... you're a gangster? You're one of dem?" he said, backing away. "I suppose I shoulda guessed from da shades an' all, but dawg..."
"Koko!" Anna moaned. "I can't believe you're a gan-"
"Look, let's deal with this later! For now, this class is still being held hostage!" shouted her partner.
"... but da bees ain't workin'," said Hotaru. "You ain't got nothin' to threaten us with."
"Well, once the smoke wears off we will!"
"How come the bees are asleep, anyway? I thought these ones were genetically modified to be smoke-resistant!" said Anna.
"Um... maybe they're just really tired from chasing Tsubasa around," the other girl said. "Anyway! Koko, you're going to tell us who your gangsta partner is, or you'll be the first to get the deadly poisonous bee treatment when they wake up!"
"Be quiet, morons," muttered Narumi as he threw a coconut at the gangster girl's head. It hit her right in the middle of the face mask. The class jumped, and then wondered where that had come from.
"Ow! Hey! Stop that! I never knew that Narumi-sensei could be so cruel... Anna, turn on the fan and wake up the bees!"
Anna sighed, still looking at Koko with worry underneath her sunglasses, before turning on the air conditioning. There was a low buzz as the bees regained consciousness.
"Now you're going to get it!" the girl said, opening the bee box again.
The bees rushed out in a swarm of black and yellow, and immediately headed for Koko.
"Yes, the automatic gangsta-track is working!" said the girl triumphantly to herself as Anna yelped and jumped in front of Koko. "Anna! What are you doing?!"
"I don't care if he's a gangsta, he's still my boyfriend!" she replied, standing in front of him with crossed arms. The bees buzzed confusedly and hovered around her.
The other girl sighed. "Oh, come on... hey look! A perfect prawn risotto with caramelised crème brulee!"
Anna looked. The next thing she knew, she was being pushed aside and giant deadly bees were swarming past her and towards Koko's face-
There was a flash and they stopped.
"Eh? What happened?" said the first gangster girl.
"It's da Depresso-Barrier v.2.4," said Hotaru, holding up a small remote. "Cos Naru and da bunny-rabbit are so sad to da rad, it's at full power, ya dig?" she said, more for the fanfic reader's benefit than the gangsters'.
"Ooh," said the gangster. "So we just need to cheer up Narumi-sensei and bunny-boo!"
"Or we could just set the bees on the other gangsta," suggested Anna.
"And then when they're confused we'll set them back on Koko!"
"..." Anna's eyebrows contracted in worry, but she did begin to direct the bees through sophomore gestures to find the second gangsta. Before she could finish, however, there was a thunderous boom and she was thrown backwards onto a desk. Coughing, she wiped the soot from her eyes and wondered if her bees had survived the explosion.
"Finally, dawg!" said Hotaru. A dark figure jumped into the room through the gaping new hole in the wall.
"We're gonna rap our way to victory, yo!" said Persona. A shocked silence descended on the classroom. No-one even moved so much as an eyelid.
"... please don't," said Narumi.
"Dude, dis is our only chance of surviving, fo' sho'!"
Narumi gave him a withering look and threw a mango at the other gangster, the one that wasn't lying prostrate on a table and thinking about bees.
"WHERE IS ALL THIS FRUIT COMING FROM!" she yelled. "I HATE YOU!" She growled in anger and stormed out through the hole.
"Mikan, wait!" cried Anna as she got up and ran after her. A small cloud of bees followed her. The class watched the gangsters leave in astonishment.
"Did she just say that Mikan was a gangster?" said Sumire.
Luca nodded. "I suppose we learn something new every day..."
"Like the fact that your rabbit is a psychopathic buttfluff lump from hell who wants to murder me because I happen to be a human girlfriend."
"Sumire-chan! Don't be mean to Bunny! Besides, his negative feelings did help to save Koko from those bee-stings..."
Elsewhere in the classroom, Hotaru was high-fiving and secret-handshaking and manly-hugging Persona, who was beatboxing. Or something equally horrific. The rest of the classroom stared, incredulous. Natsume was filming it all on his phone. The next Alice Type lesson would be fun. Koko was gazing at the hole through which Anna had just escaped with a stunned look in his eyes – it was hard to tell whether it was induced by the news that his girlfriend was really his deadly enemy, or by the fact that his Alice was still out of order. Narumi looked as depressed as ever and was thinking about Yuka and Misaki and Yuka and Misaki together while stabbing an orange, and Nonoko was in seventh heaven after her chemistry equations of a proof had been proven right.
All in all, it had been a pretty exciting afternoon.
xx
A/N v.2: There is a reason for why this is the silliest of all fics. A huge number of silly prompts, :P.
1. Persona and Hotaru go gangsta (as in white trash rappers)
2. Mikan and Anna go gangster (as in part of the Mafia where Jinno is
obviously the leader)
3. Tsubasa gets attacked by Kamikaze Bees
4. Koko's Alice malfunctions giving everybody the ability to read his mind,
but he can't read anyone's mind
5. Everyone wears sombreros while eating strawberry mousse at one point
6. Someone has to get hit in the head with a coconut, then a mango
7. Ruka's bunny, Usagi, feels jealousy
8. Use the song Faking My Own Suicide by Relient K or What's New Scooby Doo?
by Simple Plan
9. Narumi loses his will to dress "fashionably"
10. Must have at least two random pairings and at least one explosion.
I admit that I did number 8 pretty horribly, but I'm really really not a music person (unless you're talking classical or European musical theatre i.e. not pop). Uh. Yeah. That's my excuse. Also, yes, I wasn't asked to make Koko a gangsta... but it was important for story purposes, right? As for no. 10, the random pairings are Luca/Sumire, Koko/Anna and Misaki/Yuka - though apart from Misaki/Yuka (and even that's not random enough because they're both of similar ages and Yuka is canonly straight anyway!), none of those are particularly random. Ah well. The randomness of the other prompts and gigantic cast involved should be crack-fic-like enough.