The Hardest Thing is Trusting Yourself
By: Liv-x-Lex4Ever & E. Scribbles
Chapter 1: Painful Surprise
Casey was sick of never being able to find something when she needed it. And sick of the cab ride between her apartment and Olivia's. Olivia never seemed to worry if she couldn't find something, not that she seemed to have many possessions anyway- she'd just buy another one. She seemed to have two of everything she did have.
Casey, on the other hand, loved all her things dearly, and her bag seemed to be getting heavier on a daily basis.
Olivia, too tired to make the 30 minute trip to Casey's apartment, was stretched out on the sofa, giving suggestions as to where Casey had put one of her law books last time she'd been at her apartment, but wasn't helping to look.
She sighed heavily, book after book spilling onto the floor from her arms. "I've looked everywhere!"
CRASH!
"OUCH! DAMN IT!" she cused as one of the heavier ones dropped on her foot, causing the others to fall with a bang as she, somehow, managed to hang on to the phone.
"Wait, did you say the one with the red spine and gold lettering? It's here on my coffee table. You were reading it the other day."
She groaned, limping out to the living room and collapsing on the couch, resting her leg on the coffee table. She winced. "Well, a lot of good that does! Ouch! I'll be lucky if I didn't break anything!"
"I think your toes are pretty used to having things dropped on them, Case. Do you need the book tonight?"
She sighed. "Fine," she huffed. "Yes, I need it! When can you bring it?"
Olivia groaned. "Two days? I've just finished a 12 hour shift. I can barely move."
She sighed. "Fine, sleep all you need to. I could come get it."
"Just find your keys before you get into the building and don't swear in the hallway like you did last time. My neighbor came and asked me if I'd had a hooker with a filthy mouth over the next day."
She sighed. "Okay." And she hung up.
Putting on her jacket, she went to put weight on her injured foot, realizing she wasn't too steady. She hobbled over to the closet, thankful she'd kept them from a few years back and pulled out the crutches. "Okay, after I get the book, the least she can do is drive me. It's only two blocks to her place, with no outside steps."
She made her way out the door and the building. People asked what had happened and she told them she'd dropped something on her foot and that it was very tender.
When she hobbled off the elevator to Olivia's floor, a few men made cat calls. She rolled her eyes, steadying herself before knocking.
It took a couple of minutes for a bleary-eyed Olivia to answer the door, and when she saw Casey, a slight smile pulled at her lips. "You really did hurt your foot, huh?"
She nodded. "Yes, I did. I can't put much pressure on it. I was hoping you could drive me or, at least, take a look at it." She winced, accidentally putting too much pressure on it. "Please Liv! I know you're tired."
Olivia let her into the apartment and made a space for her amongst the files on the couch before sitting on the table in front of her, gently pulling her foot into her lap.
She winced, sucking in air. "Ouch! Ow, ow, ow! Be careful!"
"I don't think it's broken. I think you just dropped the book on top of the bruise you had from last time you dropped a book on your foot. You really should stay away from bookcases." Olivia dropped a tender kiss to her foot before resting it on a cushion.
She sighed. "Do you have any ice or an Ice-Pack?"
Olivia nodded, giving a wide yawn as she went to get one. Wrapping it in a towel, she brought it back out and placed it gently on her foot.
"Thank you. I know you've had a long day. I don't expect you to take me anywhere, but..."
Olivia sat next to her, closing her eyes and yawning once more. "That's good."
"Can I stay for tonight? I can't put weight on it. It's too sore."
Olivia nodded, wrapping her arms around Casey and mumbling something onto her neck as she rested her head on her shoulder and closed her eyes.
Casey relaxed, wrapping her arms around her as well, but the throbbing in her foot wouldn't let her sleep. She sighed. She had been hoping she and Olivia would be living together by now, but no such luck. Whenever she brought it up, Olivia changed the subject. She just wished she knew why.
Olivia seemed to be asleep, but a short while later, suddenly spoke, waking Casey from her thoughts, "What did you need the book for?"
Casey looked over, seeing her eyes partially open. "Just...a case I'm working on. Why?"
"It's a book on British justice. I was just...hoping you weren't thinking of moving or anything."
She shook her head. "Oh no, of course not." She sighed. "There's only one person I would move in with, but..."
As was expected, Olivia changed the subject. "Are you comfortable here or do you want to move to the bed? I don't think I'll be able to stay awake much longer."
She sighed. "Are you conscious enough to help me so I don't need to get sore armpits?"
"As long as you promise me to be more careful in future. You know I love you in high heels." Olivia dropped several kisses to Casey's neck before helping her up and moving towards the bedroom.
Falling onto the bed, she slipped out of her clothes, throwing on a shirt she'd left there before crawling under the covers carefully. "I will be. Hey Liv?"
"Mmm?" Olivia did her usual window check, even though she'd made sure the window was locked before she went out and again when she came home.
"Why don't you want me here?"
Olivia turned around in surprise. "I do want you here. If I didn't, you wouldn't have got through the front door."
Casey patted the bed beside her. "That's not what I mean..."
Olivia slid into bed, wrapping her arm around Casey's middle and dropping a kiss to the top of her head before reaching across to turn out the light. "Is this the sort of conversation we should have at this time of night?"
"No, but, call me crazy, I just thought I could get an actual explanation from you as to why you don't want me living here. Is it really too much to ask, Olivia? ...Or maybe you just don't feel that way anymore..."
Olivia sighed and was silent for a while before speaking quietly, "It's not...It's not that I don't want you here. I would love to come home to you every night and wake up to you every morning..."
"Then what? What are you afraid of?"
"...The days I come home after the death of a child...or a case I just can't deal with. I'm just not a nice person then, Casey. I don't want you to see me. I just need my own space."
Casey hugged her tight. "I want to help you, but that means I have to see you at your best and your worst... I love you, Olivia. Won't you let me help you?"
"...Can we talk about it another time?"
"Promise me we will?"
Olivia nodded, nestling into the pillows and closing her eyes.
"I love you. No matter what," she said, rolling onto her side and snuggling into her.
Olivia dropped a kiss to her head, but didn't reply.
Casey smiled, finding some comfort before drifting off.
When she awoke the next morning, Olivia had already left for work, her coffee cup next the bed already cold, and Casey vaguely remembered waking shortly after they'd gone to sleep, only to hear Olivia tell her to go back to sleep.
Casey sat up, feeling the pain in her foot subside substantially, but as it was Saturday, she didn't have to go in to work. She stood, walking out to the living room and grabbing her phone. She saw she had one missed call and voicemail. She punched in her number, smiling as she heard her voice.
"I had to come into work for a while. I shouldn't be too long so...I'd like you to stay. Just don't eat anything in the fridge. I think it's all expired. And Casey? I love you too."
She smiled, walking over and grabbing the other pack from the freezer. She walked back out to the living room and sat on the couch.
She didn't hear any word from Olivia until mid-afternoon, and then it was a short text message- 'If your foot is feeling better meet me downstairs in 10.'
Intrigued, Casey tested her foot before fishing out some flat shoes she'd left at Olivia's apartment and pulled them on slowly. When she made it downstairs, looking up at the darkened sky, she jumped as a cab driver yelled out, "You Casey Novak?"
At her hesitant nod, he got out and opened the back door for her. "I've been asked...well, ordered to pick you up by one of New York's finest."
Carefully, she got in. "And where have you been ordered to take me?"
"I was also ordered not to tell you. She said if I did, she'd leave me alone in a room with her partner for 10 minutes, and he was kind of…big." He pulled out into the traffic.
She smiled. "Yeah, he...he's kind of intimidating. You don't have any Aspirin up there, do you? I dropped a massive book on my foot yesterday and it still kills me!"
He handed her over some. "I can stop off at a chemist if you want. I'm in no rush to see her again."
"No, this'll be fine, thanks," she said swallowing them dry.
A few minutes later, he pulled up in front of an apartment building she'd admired a few weeks ago, telling Olivia how safe it looked, with a doorman and so close to the precinct. She thought all her words had been ignored, but here was Olivia, standing outside the building with her arms folded.
She opened the door as Olivia walked over to help her out. "What's this?" she asked, leaning on the detective for support.
She threw a few dollars towards the driver, who looked terrified, and said, "We better not catch you doing that again," before slamming the door. He drove off quickly, almost crashing as he did so.
Casey smiled, but then winced as she put too much weight on her foot. "What is all this, Olivia? I thought you weren't paying attention when I mentioned this place."
"No comment. Come on." Olivia put an arm around her, nodding at the doorman on the way past, and took most of Casey's weight as she led her to the lift. "Look, working lifts, and lights!"
She smiled and leaned into her, inhaling the scent from her shampoo. "Wow, it's almost nicer than the precinct! Which floor are we going to?"
"What's your favorite number?"
"Number? 18, why?"
Olivia pressed the button for level 18, watched as the doors closed smoothly with satisfaction and the lift started softly, before asking, "What's your second favorite number?"
She thought a moment. "3. Why does that matter?"
"Wait and see, counselor." Olivia smiled to herself, thankful that she'd guessed correctly, and when they reached the 18th floor, she led them to room 183 before handing Casey a key.
She looked at her questioningly before putting the key in the lock and twisting it. She pushed the door open.
She gasped. The room was filled in rich red velvet furniture. A couch was in the middle of the room, chairs on both sides, coffee table of black cast iron, a fireplace in front of the couch. She turned her head. "Oh Liv! Y-you did all this? Wh-what about the rest of the place? Keep in mind that I can barely walk."
"I haven't really filled it up a lot. I was planning on doing a bit more before I showed you, but after last night... Elliot's been helping me pick things out and neither of us are particularly good at it, so if you don't like anything..."
"No, I...I love all the rich color in the furniture. It-it's wonderful. But, is there anything I can put on my foot, like a cold drink or ice or...anything? I need to get off of it."
"Oh, yeah, umm, I got you this too."
A second later, Melinda walked out of the kitchen, a medical bag in hand and a bow tied around her middle, a chuckling Elliot by her side. "Olivia said you needed me to check out an injury."
Casey ended up giggling as Olivia helped her over to the couch and sat beside her. She smiled. "God, do I ever! I don't think it's broken...it just really hurts," she said as Melinda walked over. "Hi Elliot. How are you?"
"Brilliant. Now that she's finally decided to show you, I can stop going into furniture shops. I think they've given my hives."
Melinda assessed Casey's foot.
She laughed, pulling at the ribbon around Melinda. "Here, I'll let you keep your dignity," Casey said, pulling it away. "Ow!"
"I lost a bet. I'm supposed to wear that toni...ah..." She glanced towards Olivia. "Oops."
"I can act like I heard that from the pain, if you want. I'm too excited by this anyway. Hey, Liv, can ask you something, even with them here?"
"As long as it doesn't involve anything rude," Elliot offered, getting a smack on the leg from Olivia.
Casey rolled her eyes. "Yeah, like you'd care about that. Anyway, what, about last night, changed your mind about...all this?"
"I've been setting this up for months. I was just...nervous. I've never lived with anyone before."
"It is a huge step. You act like it's going to change every little thing about us, but how much will it, really?"
Elliot groaned. "I have been discussing this with her for weeks. Both Melinda and I have. The best thing to do is just don't talk about it because she'll over think it. She will panic and then she will change her mind."
"Oh, nice to know you think you know me so well," Olivia said to him sarcastically.
Melinda stayed silent, wrapping up Casey's foot to give it more support.
Deciding it was best to ignore the two for the movement, she looked toward Melinda. "So?"
"Nothing's broken, just bruised. Keep it strapped up for a few days and it should ease the pain by stopping the pressure. "
She nodded. "Good. Liv, now what?"
"Ah, the bedroom?" At Elliot's expression, she hit his chest. "Do you want to see what we've done in the bedroom?"
Casey nodded. "Yeah, but..."
She nodded. "Yeah, but..."
"She's got something to say to you in the bedroom that she doesn't want us to hear" Elliot supplied, earning another hit.
Casey nodded. "Yes, I figured that. I just meant that I probably shouldn't put too much weight or pressure on my foot, so how am I supposed to..."
"Oh."
Olivia went to help her, but Melinda waved her off. "You two stay in here. I'll risk going into the bedroom with Elliot for a few minutes."
"Elliot, be nice!" Casey said.
When they'd left the room, Olivia sat on the table in front of Casey and looked around the room, anywhere but at her. "So umm...do you like it?"
She smiled, her fingers stroking her cheek. "Oh yes Liv! I love it! I can't believe you guys did all this..."
Olivia finally looked at her, nervously. "I really, really want to live with you Casey. More than anything. But it just...still terrifies me. I know it's hard to understand. I was just hoping...you would be ok if we had this as our place and I live here, but I have my own place as well, just for those nights when I can't...be with other people."
Casey looked away from her, sitting back against the couch. "So you're more committed to your job than me? And you claim you want to live with me?" She scoffed. "Yeah, that's healthy. You can't run from every problem, Olivia."
Olivia sighed and lowered her head. "No, that's not what I mean. It's those nights after I've spent all day searching for a missing girl only to find her dead, or the days when we've tried so hard to do something for someone, but they just don't want to be helped...I just...those are the nights when I just can't be around people. They aren't often, Casey. God knows, I don't remember the last time one happened since I've been with you, but I do have dark times when I don't want anyone to see me, especially you."
Casey sat up, resting her hands in Olivia's. "I know that, but I want to help you. Just let me be there. I know how horrible those cases are. Don't you wish...Olivia, don't you wish you had someone you could talk to or just be held without question? Think back. When those do happen what do you want most? To be left alone, cold and scared or to be held and know you're loved without words?"
"I want to shout and scream and swear and hurt people, Case. I'm not a nice person then."
"So? Do it. I don't care. I know you're still you. Shout, scream, swear, fall to the floor in tears. When you're ready, I'll pick you back up." Casey held Olivia's face in her hand. "I love you. Don't let what brought us together separate us when you need me the most. I want to see you at your best, your worst and everything in between. Sweetie, that's what real love is. True love. Forever."
Olivia searched her eyes then lowered her head once more. "I can't. I'm sorry."
"...Never...?"
Olivia desperately wanted to say no, say that she would give everything thing, that she wanted to live with her, let her see and know everything about her, but an image kept flashing into her mind, an image she should never forget. With another quiet apology, Olivia stood and left the apartment.
Casey sat for a few moments. "Elliot! Melinda!"
They walked out, looking around. "Where'd Liv go?" Elliot asked, glancing into the kitchen.
Casey wiped her eyes. "Sh-she left. I-I'm sorry, but I-I can't do this. I can't believe she really expects me to be okay with her running off after a tough case? Doesn't she trust me?"
Elliot and Melinda glanced at each other, then looked down at Casey. "I should go after Liv."
As Elliot went to leave, Melinda grabbed his arm, "Casey deserves an explanation."
"Explanation?" she asked.
Elliot looked reluctant, but at Melinda's prompting, he offered a short explanation. "Bad case a few years ago, Liv went home alone. Her mum turned up, they had a fight...she called me and Melinda to help out. Her mum was in a pretty bad way. She was passed out. Olivia was just sitting there apologizing over and over. Since then, she's not let anyone in the apartment after tough cases, even me."
"Did she hit her?"
"A lot."
"I-it makes sense, but there's got to be some way I can help her. Isn't there? I don't want her to go through that alone. I know it tears her apart."
"It was a big step just her trying to move in with you here Casey, she's been agonizing over it for weeks. Just take it slowly."
"How though? Obviously she doesn't trust me so maybe this isn't such..." Her tears fell faster. "...I want to. I really do, but what's the use? Tell me!"
"It's nothing to do with you Casey. She doesn't trust herself! She's worried she'll hurt you like she hurt her mom and then you'll leave and she can't handle that."
She shook her head. "I wouldn't leave. I would know it was just an extremely tough case. I don't care i-if I get bruises, sprains or broken bones, damn it! I don't! All I want is to be with her! Nothing she could do from that would scare me away!" She sighed. "It's too bad I'll never get a chance to prove it..."
"Just...time. It takes time. It did with Kathy and me. Now come on, we've got a car, how about we help you go find Liv?"
She scoffed. "Think she wants to see me?"
"I think she always wants to see you."
She nodded. "Alright. Let's go."
Author's Note: So? What do you think? Not sure how many chapters this will be.
Please read & review!
Liv-x-Lex4Ever & E. Scribbles