It was a normal day in Forks, as normal as any day could be in the tiny, tree-covered town. The rain poured down in a light drizzle, creating a misty fog over the ground.
Isabella Swan and Ed Cullen were walking on the wet sidewalk, hand-in-hand under a large, black umbrella that shielded them from the humid little water drops. They stared at each other's eyes with a hungering ferocity: Her golden brown eyes never straying from his. Each stride they took together were in perfect harmony; so synced that you would think that they were super glued together. They leaned in to each other's faces ever so slowly, so slow that you would think that watching paint was faster and more exciting.
It was then that the Statue of Liberty came to life in New York and magically flew on a pretty pony to the tiny little town of Forks, Washington. Of course, poor Miss Liberty was too big for the town, so she crushed the whole place. It was the end of little Misses Isabella Swan-Cullen, and she was a huge pile of pulsing guts. However, from all the magical glitter that Miss Liberty farted out from under her flowing green dress, Isabellamellawatchamaface stood up and reformed her body. She was just as beautiful as ever, except for one flaw that now caressed her cold, stoned face: Her left eye wasn't reformed correctly.
Ed, seeing this happen to his wife, had a panic attack. His self esteem plummeted faster than the Twin Towers being bombed on September 11th. However, when his golden brown eyes beheld the majesty that was Miss Liberty's face (and her dress flying up in the wind!), he instantly fell in love.
"I can't believe it," he spoke with a lustful intensity in his voice, "someone who is just like me!" he yelled, pounding into his not-so-muscular chest like a gorilla that had found a giant pile of bananas.
"But Edward," Pissabella cried, translucent watery tears dripping down her cold, stoned face from her puke yellow eyes. "I love you! We were supposed to spend the rest of forever with each other at Chuck E. Cheese's!" she screamed, randomly tripping over a bird like a circus clown tripping over a ball. She fell flat on per face, as per usual.
"NO U," Ed yelled back ferociously with a snarl in the back of his throat. His marble lips curled away from his pearly white teeth that reflected the sun like a million-billion-kajillion tiny diamonds with buckets of glitter poured on top. Wait, where the hell did the sun come from?
The Statue of Liberty pulled down her rusty copper dress from the blowing winds, but keeping an ice cold copper eye on Ed. She seemed to be attracted to him in the extremes by the way she batted her long, curly, green eyelashes.
Pissabella sat on the street corner, crying her eyes out.
"STFU," Ed yelled again, ripping open a wormhole that lead to the firey pits of hell and throwing her in.
"Nooooooo! Fuck you Edward!" she screamed in her monotone voice, flailing her arms in the most boring way imaginable.
Miss Liberty picked up little Ed, holding his vampire body in her large arms and caressing him. "I love you," she said in a booming voice that shook the state of Washington. People in the nearby areas fell over, dead, but the Quileute pack of werewolves had intelligently evacuated the premises long before any of this insanity was even a thought. They couldn't stand the smell of vampires anymore. You wouldn't either if you had to live with the smell of burning sulfur every second of your life.
"I love you too," Ed purred like a cat. But then the Statue of Liberty hugged him too hard, and he exploded open like a bug being squished. However, instead of blood and guts being poured out, it was replaced with glitter and Lucky Charms.
"O TEH NOEZ!!1" she cried. She shrugged it off after a few moments and tossed his body into the wormhole that he never closed up.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA" Ed screamed as his body burned up.
Then the pony that Miss Liberty rode in on had farted, producing the Apocolypse.