A/N: This is (the revamped) episode three in the A Rush of Blood To The Head series. The first two episodes are called Returns and Departures, and When You Come Back Down, and if you want to know what's going on, I suggest you read those stories first. I know this first part, I'm Sorry, is kind of heavy. My dad was kind of my beta, and he thought some of what I wrote... wasn't quite... sufficient or something. So, where Cas's monologue is, there used to be something a lot simpler. (I don't remember what it said exactly because I first wrote this literally a year ago.) I'm sorry if it bothers you guys.
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A Rush of Blood To The Head: Series One
Episode Three: Haunted*
Part One: I'm Sorry**
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Dean was sitting on the edge of his bed. He had called to Castiel eight minutes ago and was just about to hit the talk button on his phone and tell Sam he could come back to the room. Then Dean heard the familiar flutter of wings and looked up to find the Angel of Thursday standing in front of him.
"Hello Dean."
"Cas," Dean sighed, thankful that the Angel had answered his call.
Cas could not quite meet the hunter's eyes. "You called?"
"Uh, yeah," Dean smiled nervously as he put his phone back in his pocket. "I was starting to think you weren't gonna show."
Cas sighed. "Dean, I have always come when you called. I will always come when you call."
Instead of that making him feel better, Cas's words only reminded Dean of all the times the Angel must have ripped himself away from the war in Heaven to help him with his measly little problems. Dean could only nod in response.
"Why did you call me?"
Oh fuck right. "Cas," the hunter cleared his throat, "I, I ... on behalf of Sam and me ... we, we're sorry."
Cas thought he knew what Dean was referring to, so he waited, hoping the hunter would continue.
"Sorry that we didn't notice that you were in trouble. That ... that you needed us, and that you were asking for help. You were right, we weren't listening." Dean looked down at his hands. "I'm sorry that I didn't listen. I should have paid attention the first time you said Heaven was a mess. And Sammy-"
Cas shook his head. "Sam wouldn't have cared or noticed, he had no soul the first time I spoke about the civil war."
Dean looked up, "Yeah but I did; I should have known. We could have started working on the problem before we even knew Sam didn't have his soul. I was just... too concerned with me and my pathetic problems." Dean hung his head and sighed. "I'm sorry, Cas. I'm so sorry. If we had been there to help you, then maybe you wouldn't have gone to that demon dick, Crowley. Maybe you wouldn't have needed to open Purgatory, and the Leviathans wouldn't of," Dean glanced up at Cas, then back down at his hands, "gotten out. All of the lives that were taken ... Sam and I share some of that blame. But still, what blame we may share-"
"Dean stop." Dean looked back up. Cas closed his eyes, sighed, then opened them back up again to look back down at the hunter. "It wasn't my intention to make you feel guilty or to put any of the blame on you. Though it is very generous of you to think that your actions could have changed the outcome of this, or to think that the situation was your responsibility. Raphael still wanted The Apocalypse to happen. It was my decision to try and stop him.
"You couldn't come to Heaven with me. You couldn't fight Angels in our true form, let alone be in our presence when we're in it. What I did needed from you was to help me think about the choices I needed to make. When all I had to do was follow Michael and the plan for The Apocalypse, there was only obedience and the plan. When I decided to fight the plan, I had no guidance, no book of the Lord to turn to for wisdom. What I could have used was someone to help me think about which rights and wrongs I needed to keep, and which to set aside for a greater purpose.
"I think I needed something, someone, to help me think outside the rules of Heaven that had always defined my existence. I felt that you and Sam could have done that for me; you often argue with each other over what's right and what's wrong in difficult situations. But it seemed to be a gift that our Father had given to you as humans. It didn't feel right to ask you to share it with me. I wanted you to know I needed help, and I hoped that you would have seen that I needed help. But my rules told me not to ask, only to accept it if it was offered. I think now that that is one of the rules I should have broken."
Dean stood up and put his hand on Cas's shoulder. "Cas, look, I suck as a mind reader, so if something like this happens again, you're gonna have to clue me in, okay buddy? Just tell me what I can do for you and I'm there, got it?"
Cas gave a weak smile and nodded, thankful for knowing that next time something monumental was happening, that Dean would be there for him; that he could ask the hunter for help. "Yes Dean. Thank you for saying that, and for acknowledging that I was asking for help. I just wish that I had done a better job of it."
Dean gave his shoulder a light squeeze. "Like you said Cas, you were doing the best you could. It would have gone against everything your Father had told you to ask me for help, and I get that now, But," Dean shifted his gaze to the floor and shook his head, "but I honestly think I would've listened, no matter how you asked us." Dean met the Angel's eyes again and added somberly, "And I'm sorry for that too."
Cas thought about that for a few long moments, then held out his arms. He needed a hug from Dean to let him know they were okay. So did Dean. Cas also needed it for comfort after a major fight with his best friend. And really, so did Dean. So, in a moment of abnormal behavior, Dean gave Cas a hug.
At some point, Dean realized that the embrace was lasting longer than he meant it to. When he pulled away, it was not very far. They were still holding on to each other, their lips inches apart. They hovered there for a few moments.
Cas had a small smile, thankful that everything was okay between them. Dean looked confused and slightly terrified, which made Castiel confused.
Dean took a quick, unintentional glance at Cas's lips, then, before he could shove Cas away, the angel looked embarrassed and took a step back.
"Sorry. I momentarily forgot about humans' need for personal space. My apologies."
For the life of him, Dean could not think in coherent thoughts. His speech was not that much better. "I, uh, um, ri-right, per-personal space. Th-thanks Cas."
Cas tilted his head at the unusual way Dean had spoken. "Is something wrong, Dean?" The angel straightened his head and raised his eyebrows, "You're stuttering."
"Uh," Dean cleared his throat, "no, nope. Everything's fine. I'm just, tired."
"Should I leave so that you may get some rest?"
Dean scratched the back of his head, "Uh, yeah, that, that'd be good. Night Cas." Dean waved like an idiot.
Cas squinted his eyes, still baffled by Dean's sudden change in speech and behavior. He nodded. "Goodnight Dean." And with a flutter, the angel was gone.
Dean just stood there, squinting at nothing as he thought about the glance he stole of Cas's lips. He blamed the glance on pure proximity. He refused to believe that he was attracted to the man, or any man for that matter. He was Dean Fucking Winchester, and Dean Fucking Winchester does not like dudes!
Dean shook his head then called Sam to let him know he could come back; he and Cas had their little chat.
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*Haunted is a song by Taylor Swift. Or it's the one by Evanescence. Your choice.
**I'm Sorry is a song by Flyleaf.