A/N: So, I had this totally CRAZY idea to do a parody of the 6th Harry Potter movie while talking to my friend Ciara so I wrote it while on the phone to her! I got the initial idea after reading Caitlin-and-Emily's parodies (Go check out their profile. I command you). So anyways hope you like. Oh and a note to Caitlin-and-Emily if they ever read this: I am not trying to steal your ideas, guys!
DISCLAIMER: THINGS WE DON'T OWN:
Harry, Hermione, Ron & other related characters, The Wizard of Oz, "We're off to see the Wizard", Winnie the Pooh, "Teddy Bear's Picnic", Quidditch, Gryffindor, Astronomy Tower, Voldie, Des Bishop (comedian).
THINGS WE DO OWN: Random Leprechaun, The name "Loopy Old Man", and our FREEDOM! WhOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOp!
And just so EVERYONE knows, LOOPY OLD MAN is DUMBLEDORE, K?
AND I NOW PRESENT TO YOU, FREE OF CHARGE...
::..::..::..::..::..::..::..::Harry Potter and the Loopy Old Man..::..::..::..::..::..::..::
So it's all flashback-y to the 5th movie after Sirius died and Harry is all bloody and stupid-looking. And then it's a bunch of Muggles who are all sipping tea in a building when this old guy gets up.
Old Guy: OMFG, you guys! There's a skull in the sky! Isn't that cool? Hmm, more cannabis, I think!
And then three death eaters...
Kaitlyn: WTF? How can you EAT DEATH? WTF?
Ciara: . . . . . . . .
...pop out of the skull and they kidnap Ollivander
Ollivander: WTF? Mommy? Help me? Please? I didn't mean to kill Dad. Promise! Mom?
And then they rip up a bridge and everyone starts screaming and running [insert picture of Winnie the Pooh here. Imagine him singing the Teddy Bear's picnic song.]
So then stuff happens and Harry and Dumbledore convince this fat old guy dressed as an armchair to teach at Hogwarts.
Fat Old Guy: No freaking way, old man. Fuck off.
Dumbledore: Fine so, prick. I bet Harry can convince you.
Harry: ...
Kaitlyn: MOMMY'S BOY! Can't even talk to an EX-teacher!
Ciara: SERIOUSLY! Shut up!
Fat Old Guy: Fine, have it your way you freaking beanstalk!
Dumbledore: OK. See you soon, Horace...stupid prick.
Harry: ...
So then after all that, Harry pops up outside the Weasley's house and he's all wet, and then Ginny (evil, ugly hoe, [sorry to Ginny x Harry fans]) is all confused.
Ginny: Mom. Where the hell is Harry? I know you're hiding him somewhere but fuck this I get married to him at the end of the 7th book so ya, eat your pants!
Mrs. Weasley: Ginny? I think I'd know if Harry freaking Potter was in my house!
More confusion, then Harry pops up out of nowhere and Ginny decides to be a hoe and hug him suggestively, even though she has a BF (SEE, total hoe).
RON AND HERMIONE SEXUAL TENSION...AGAIN!
Then, Ron says something not remotely funny about Dumbledore and Hermione laughs like it was Des Bishop funny or something.
In a gloomy street, Draco's mummy and aunty are going to Snape for advice on Draco's task.
Narcissa: Help me, Draco's innocent, please, I'm pathetic.
Snape: OK
Lestrange: MAKE THE VOW, SCUM!
Snape: OK
Later...
Fred and George are there being pretty and then Hermione catches sexy Cormac McLaggen looking at her while pretty twins and evil Ginny discuss Ginny's romantic life.
Kaitlyn: Ginny is a hoe! Ginny is a hoe! Lalalalala! GINNY IS A HOE!
Ciara: Shut the hell up, please. You're scaring the little ones!
And then Ron gets dissed by pretty twins and stupid, annoying giggly girl greets Ron..
Lavender: Hi, Ron (Lavender's brain: OMFG red hair is just so sexy! {DROOOOL})
Ron: Hiii (Ron's brain: OMFG a . female . talked . to . me...and she WASN'T Hermione! Or Mum! WHOOOOOOOO!)
Then they follow Draco down a creepy alley and Harry makes stupid assumptions that pretty Draco is EVIL.
Kaitlyn: HOW DARE HE! I'LL POUND HIS BRAINS IN!
Ciara: Someone forgot their Happy Pills today!
Kaitlyn: {death rays}
More stuff and then the Hogwart's express where LOOPY LUNA is selling Quibblers.
Kaitlyn: WE HEART LUNA!
Harry: OMFG YOU TARDS. Draco is a death eater!
Hermione: You brainless freaking dweeb! He's 16! What would Voldie want with a 16-year-old FERRET? HMM?
Harry: {Death Rays}
Ron: ... when's food? ...
Then Harry spies on Draco, and Draco stamps on Harry's face
Kaitlyn: Go Draco! Whoooo!
Ciara: Kaitlyn's Mom? Where does Kaitlyn keep her Happy Pills?
Kaitlyn: {death rays}
Then Luna finds Harry and fixes his nose and Ginny, being the hoe that she is, cleans blood off Harry flirtatiously.
Dumbledore: OK, guys, welcome back. Now I'm going to say a few words. A few words. Pip pip.
Next day:
Old Lady: Get the hell upstairs for class, hoes. Potter. Go to potions. Bring Weasley.
Harry: But, miss, don't be stupid, I never bought potions stuff and Snape doesn't like me.
Old Lady: Fuck this, Potter, Slughorn is potions master. NOW BE GONE! And detention for calling me stupid.
Harry: OK. Come on Ron.
In the Potions room, Ron gets the good book, but Harry gets the battered one that lets him cheat. Hermione looks frazzled. Harry wins a vile of stupid potion.
Slughorn: Here have this. Be lucky. I need heroin.
Harry: OK, thanks sir.
Slughorn: Peace out, suckers! [flies out of room on magic hippopotamus]
More stuff, Then Harry's lesson with loopy old man. He sees a memory. It's creepy.
Loopy Old Man: OK, so Voldie wants to kill, like, everyone, and you, my 16 year old boy, must stop him. Now off we go! [Insert music from the Wizard Of Oz song "We're off to see the Wizard" here]
Quidditch tryouts...
Harry: Please, I'm begging you, be quiet!
Ginny: I'm a hoe, look at my body, and be quiet whilst doing so...
Congregation of boys: [droooool]
Girls: [shocked into silence]
Cormac: So Ron, I'm better than you, I like Hermione, no hard feelings, eh?
Ron: ...
Kaitlyn: Go Cormac! Whoo! You're Sexy! Whoo! YAY!
Ciara: Overdose on the Happy Pills...But he is sexy!
Ron wins keeper, 'cos Hermione confuses sexy McLaggen with a Confundus Charm. Whoop. In the Common Room, Ron brags about being Keeper, and tells Hermione that McLaggen likes her.
Hermione: Whoop Whoop! Let's part-ay 'cos he's sex-ay! WhOoP wHoOp!
Ron: No more sexual tension for awhile? aWWWW [tear]
Hermione: WhOoOoOoP! Let's celebraaaate! YaAaAaY!
Harry: ...
More stuff, then in Hogsmeade with Fat Old Guy...
Harry: Sluggie, ma homiey, wussup?
Sluggie: Care to come to my dinner party, m'boy? Of course, nothing out of the ordinary like Filch bringing in Malfoy and Snape dragging him off will happen there!
Harry: Yay! I'll be there, Sluggie.
Sluggie: Granger, be sure and come along. Wallonbee, would you care to hand out towels in the loo?
Ron: Umm, ya, sure!
Sluggie: Good. See you there, I have to pick up my heroin. I mean, my pills for my illness. Ya, let's go with that.
Talking, then Katie is cursed by a necklace meant for Dumbledore.
Katie: [Screams]
Leann (Friend of Katie): NOOOOO!
Hargrid: Feck off, ye arses, [Kaitlyn: hehe arse!] and don't friggin' touch that bleedin' necklace, for Merlin's sake, and Christ Almighty, don't tell anyone about Norbert! Pip Pip!
Everyone: NORBERT?
Harry, Ron & Hermione: Well...BYE!
Harry watching map.
Ron: What does Dean see in Ginny, mate?
Harry: Dunno.
Ron: He's brilliant, I know, but WHAT DOES HE SEE IN HER? HMM?
Harry: Brilliant? 5 hours ago, he was a slick prick. WTF, Ron?
Ron: FOR FUCK SAKE ANSWER ME, GODDAMMIT!
Harry: Nice Skin?
Ron: WTF? Hermione's got nice skin...[drooool].
Harry: DUN DUN DUNNNN sexual tension time!
Random Leprechaun: Yay! Free Gold For ALL!
Ron: Where the fuck did you come from?
RL: Your Mom and your Dad! Hehehehehe! Bye!
Sleeping, then QUIDDITCH TIME! WHOOO!
Kaitlyn: Where did the name Quidditch come from?
Ciara: [face-palm, shakes head]
Ron dressed in gay keeper outfit. Annoying, giggly stupid girl comes.
AGSG (aka Lavender): Go Ron! Whoo! You'll be fab! Whooooo! More makeup! And pink! YAYAYAY! WHOOOO! [giggles hysterically]
Ron: NOOOO! I'M GONNA RESIGN! NOOOO!
Harry: Shut up [pretends to put lucky potion in Ron's juice]. Drink juice, beotch!
Hermione: {evil glare}
AFTERPARTY TIME, 'cos Ronniekins won the match for Gryffindor. Whoop.
Ron is smiling stupidly. Harry and Hermione talk.
Hermione: {death rays} You shouldn't have put that bloody potion in his drink. Now the idiot thinks he's a good keeper.
Harry: Ya, should've just Confunded the bastard.
Hermione: DIFFERENT CIRCUMSTANCES, BEOTCH!
Harry: [holds up closed vile of potion] I didn't put it in, smarty pants.
Hermione: {more death rays}
AGSG: [makes out with Ron]
Hermione: [runs away sobbing]
Harry: [Follows her]
Hermione: I'M SO FREAKIN' DEPRESSED! RON KISSED HER BACK! NOOOO! IS THIS HOW YOU FEEL, WHEN YOU SEE DEAN WITH GINNY? HMM? I KNOW YOU LIKE HER. I SEE THE WAY YOU LOOK AT HER. HALF GRYFFINDOR TOWER KNOWS, MORON!
Harry: ..Oh..
Hermione: COMFORT ME, MR. PATHETIC.
Harry: OK
Hermione is lamely comforted by Mr. Pathetic (Harry). She feels better. Sort of.
Next day, Ronniekins talks about his and Lavender's relationship...
Ron: I HAVE FOUND TRUE LOVE. BOOYA! EAT THAT, VOLDIE! LOVE CONQUERS ALL! WHAT!
Harry: ...you know...Hermione's really upset...maybe you should talk to her...
Ron: WHOOOP! I HAVE A GIRLFRIEND...WHAT! [does cool rapper style folding arms thingy BUT it looks odd 'cos he's Ron.]
Harry: [Face-palm] I give up.
Ron: DAMN RIGHT, MALFOY. I HAVE A GIRLFRIEND. AND WHAT DO YOU HAVE? A TROLL? OR PANSY? I DUNNO WHICH IS WORSE...BOOYA!
Malfoy: Weaslebee. Listen. I . DON'T . CARE . WHAT . YOU . THINK. OK?
Ron: Lav Lav? He dissed me! [crying, he runs off to Lavender for comfort].
Harry: Ferret.
Malfoy: Potty.
Slughorn's party...Harry takes Luna. Hermione takes McLaggen.
Kaitlyn: Hands OFF, beotch, he's MINE...MWAHAHAHA!
Ciara: Wait for it..wait..
Kaitlyn: I WILL CONQUER THE WORLD!
Ciara: There it is...!
Slughorn takes photo with Harry. Harry sees Hermione hide behind a curtain and follows her.
Hermione: I COULDN'T KISS HIM! NOT ENOUGH SEXUAL TENSION!
Harry: Mm-Hm...I see.
Random Waiter: DRAGON TARTAR? Hehehehe!
Hermione & Harry: Nope.
Random Waiter: Horribly bad breath they give you, anyway. No-one would wanna kiss you for the rest of the night!
Hermione: [snatches plate]
McLaggen arrives.
Hermione leaves.
McLaggen: I'M SO SEXY! YOUR FRIEND HAS A BIG MOUTH! GIMME THOSE!
Harry: Ya, I know, she just went to powder her nose, she said it will take her all night.
McLaggen: What am I eating, Potter?
Harry: Erm...Dragon testicles.
McLaggen: [Pukes on Snape]
Snape: Are you homosexual, Potter? McLaggen? Hm?
Harry & Cormac: Nope.
Snape: OK. Detention, McLaggen. Potter, Dumbledore told Minerva who told Filius who told the Bloody Baron who told Nearly Headless Nick who told Filch who told Moaning Myrtle who told Slughorn who told me to tell you that Dumbledore said he's on a mission and won't be back before term ends. Oh and to wish you a Merry Christmas. Goodbye, Potter.
Sexy Draco is dragged in by Filch. Snape talks to him.
Snape: LET ME HELP YOU, YOU FRIGGING MENTALLY RETARDED CARROT!
Draco: No.
Snape: OH WHY, CRUEL GOD?
Draco: ...
Snape: WHY?
Draco: Don't need help. I'm 16. Not 6.
Snape: But the Unbreakable Vow...
Draco: Fuck that.
Snape: But I'll die.
Draco: Does this look like a face that cares?
Snape: No, mum.
Draco: Bye. Remember. 16. Not 6.
Snape: OH WOE IS ME!
At the Weasley's for XMAS!
Lupin: Are you stupid? DRACO MALFOY has been chosen by Voldie to kill someone? YA, GOOD JOKE, HAHAHAHA, more chocolate, please...!
Harry: Ya...I'm serious.
Sirius' ghost: No you're not. I am. MWAHAHAHAHA...bye.
Lupin: Did you ever think that Snape was pretending to help so he could trick that FEEBLE FERRET into telling Snape what he's up to?
Harry: Ya, thought that, but no, he made an Unbreakable Vow.
Lupin: OK. I'll look into it. [note to self: DON'T LOOK INTO IT]
Harry and Ginny (hoe) share a moment in which SHE TIES HIS SHOELACE.
Kaitlyn: His SHOELACE. COME ON, SCRIPT PEOPLE!
Ciara: [face-palms] THIS IS NOT ROMANTIC! AT ALL!
Then stuff happens in Mr. Weasley's garage. Then death eaters come and Lestrange (hereby known as 'Strange') blows up the house.
Harry: Come back here, Lestrange!
Strange: NO.
Ginny (Satan): HARRY! NO!
Mr. & Mrs. Weasley, Tonks & Remus: NO, GINNY!
Lupin saves Harry and Ginny. Mrs. Weasley's house is blown up. Aww.
...time passes...more time...boring stuff...
In the Dorm...
Ron takes a love-potion-spiked-meant-for-Harry-from-an-in-love-with-Harry-fourth-year-named-Romilda-Vane box of chocolate cauldrons. He falls in love with Romilda.
Ron: Romildaaaaa...how I love thee...OH MY SWEET ROMILDA!
Harry: Slughorn Time.
SLUGGIE'S OFFICE...
Slughorn: Feck off. I don't wanna see you.
Harry: Ron swallowed a love potion.
Sluggie: OK. Come In.
Sluggie: Antidote, boy. Drink it.
Ron: [glugglugglug] LAVENDER, MY SWEET LAVENDER..I LOVE YOU, BABY!
Harry: Back to normal.
Sluggie: Here's some mead. It isn't poisoned or anything, and your Wallonbee here isn't going to choke on it and almost die and spend like three weeks in the hospitat wing, I swear!
Harry & Ron: Cool!
Ron: [chokes violently]
Harry: [rams beozar down his throat]
Sluggie: [faints]
Draco robs some birds, some stuff happens, and then...
Harry: SECTUMSEMPRA!
Draco: [bleeds quietly]
Snape: Fuck you, Potter.
Ginny: I'm a hoe, I'm not with Dean, let's get rid of this book, and not kiss, at all, ever!
Harry: OK
ROOM of REQUIREMENT...
Ginny: Close your eyes. [hides book]
Harry: [Brain: Oh, Ginny, I love you!] (stupid idiot)
Ginny: [Kisses Harry.] Let's leave that up here too...[giggles madly like a demented elf]
Harry: WTF just happened? God, I'm so confused. And pathetic!
IN THE COMMON ROOM...
Harry: [takes luck potion to try and get Slughorn's memory off him for Loopy Old Man]
Hermione: Be careful.
Harry: [Goes to Hagrid's. Aragog is dead. Hagrid is in tears. Somehow, Harry brought Slughorn with him.]
Sluggie & Hagrid: [Drunk]
Harry: Gimme the memory, beotch.
Sluggie: OK. Here.
Harry: [Sprints to Loopy Old Man]
IN LOOPY OLD MAN'S OFFICE...
They look at the memory in which Sluggie tells Voldie about Horcruxes.
Loopy Old Man: FUCK. This is worse than I thought! OMFG! Horcruxes! The book! The ring! Destroy them! AAAAHHHHH! I'VE FOUND ANOTHER! COME WITH ME! HELP ME! MOMMY! I'M SCARED!
Harry: ...
ASTRONOMY TOWER...
Snape: YOU TAKE TOO MUCH FOR GRANTED, BEANSTALK!
Dumbledore: NO NEGOTIATION! DIE! MWHAHAHAH!
Snape: Curses.
Harry: YAY! ADVENTURE TIME! WhOoOoOp wHoOoOoOoOp!
Dumbledore: Now. If I tell you to run. You run. Hide. You hide. Clear? Good.
Harry: OK.
CAVE IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE...
Dumbledore: SWIMMING TIME! WHooP whOOp!
Harry: Yay.
Dumbledore: [pulls boat out of nowhere]
Harry & Dumbledore: [Climb into boat]
Dumbledore: [Drinks bad potion, almost dies]
Harry: [Gets scared to death {almost} by Inferi]
Dumbledore: [Gains strength and casts big, pretty fire spell].
Harry & Dumbledore: [Return to Hogwarts]
IN THE HOSPITAL WING...
Draco: [Gets out of bed and lets death eaters in through Vanishing Cabinet]
Strange: Let's do this, beotches!
Draco: [looks wimpy as he fails to kill Loopy Old Man]
Snape: Avada Kedavra
Loopy Old Man: NOOOOOOOO! I'M DYING! Bye.
Harry: [Runs to bottom of tower]
Draco: [Runs to forest and hides.]
GREAT HALL AND OTHER PLACES...
Everywhere is empty as Harry goes to McGonagall's new office for no good reason.
ASTRONOMY TOWER...AGAIN...
Harry and Hermione chat.
Hermione: THIS ISN'T THE REAL HORCRUX! FUCK!
Harry: Ya, so Loopy Old Man died for nothing. Damn. He was useful!
Hermione: We're going with you when you go looking for the other ones. Beotches don't desert each other. No matter what. Homies forever. Peace out.
Harry, Ron & Hermione: WE ROCK! BUY OUR MERCHANDISE! MAKE US RICH! WHOOOO! BYEE!
-THE END-
A/N
Hope you liked that! I will love you forever if you would review and tell me what you think, but nothing too mean please! Thank you!
*Kaitlyn* and my amazing helper ~Ciara~ XoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoX
P/S...Please check out my other stories: "The Wizard Interview" and "The iCarly Interview!" Thanks!
And check out 's story "The Marauder Interview"!
AND CHECK OUT Caitlin-and-Emily'S PAGE FOR MORE GREAT HARRY POTTER AND OTHER SERIES PARODIES!
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