Author's Note:
This story takes place after the events of FF7, and follows no other continuity. Not Dirge of Cerberus, Advent Children, Before Crisis, Crisis Core, Pre-Crisis, Post-Crisis, Slighty During Crisis But Does Not Pertain To The Crisis, Lullaby of Bobo-the-Two-Headed-Emo-Dog, Pre-Advent of Crisis Children, or Crisis in Reno's Pants (although, some could argue that this story should, in fact, be named 'Crisis in Reno's Pants')
GB-Day
or
Crisis in Reno's Pants
M-Day.
The day that fire lit up the sky and the air itself shrieked in protest as Meteor came to smite the Planet itself. The day where every living being in the world, save one, was supposed to die in a ceremony that would give birth to a Dark God. The day that every person would remember for the rest of their lives, the day where everyone would be able to say exactly where they were and what they were doing when it happened. The day where heroes fought and triumphed, the day so horrible they thought they would never encounter such adversity ever again.
Until GB-Day.
A day that would prompt more nightmares, more tears, and infinitely more laughter.
A day that was heralded by the ever ominous word, "Oops."
It started off as many sequel stories do. With mourning the events of the previous story - a funeral. Or, in this case, a 'reverse funeral' as Yuffie called it.
It had been one week since the events of Sephiroth's chaos, and in that time, everyone involved had chosen to go their separate ways simply to give themselves some time to process everything that had happened with the agreement that they meet again in seven days in the Forgotten City.
Originally, it was just supposed to be the core group. Both Cloud and Vincent, of course, were physically incapable of showing up to a guilt-trip in the form of a funeral. Cid reasoned that funerals meant drinking, and somehow managed to show up an entire two days early. Yuffie had also shown up, loaded down with Materia, a devious look in her eye, but that seemed to be her natural state of being, so no one questioned it. Tifa, Red XIII, Barret and Reeve all showed up simply because they believed in honouring the dead. But somehow, despite the small gathering of friends that it was supposed to be, it had somehow gotten... bigger.
Barret, of course, could not come without Marlene. And since it was Aeris' funeral, her mother naturally attended. When word got out that Reeve was coming to a funeral, Rufus, recently out of the hospital from his injuries by Diamond WEAPON, couldn't seem to resist being the little prick that he was and crashing the funeral. And with two high-level Shinra employees attending, Tseng and Elena came along as backup. In addition, Cid may have leaked that he'd be going to a 'drunken adventure', involving 'a water-logged dead wench,' where he'd likely 'drink til he lost all use of his damn bowels and why aren't you making me my godamn tea.' Worried for his well-being, Shera had come to investigate, as well as Reno and Rude, but more because they were booze fiends that preferred fiending free booze as opposed to any other flavour, than out of any concern for the old pilot.
Little did any of them know, Yuffie had a plan with all the Materia she was lugging around.
Specifically, the White Materia she had spent the entire week diving for that had laid at the bottom of the lake, which had somehow gotten tangled in Aeris' hair, and needed to be hacked free. But it was for a good cause, and Aeris really wouldn't miss that braid given that she'd soon be appreciating the ability to breathe again, right?
Still, Yuffie couldn't help but look at least a little sheepish as she held out the White Materia before her and began to pray to it very gently for Aeris' return.
As she did, Cloud made a very moving speech - moving to himself, anyway - about how he had failed her and would spend the rest of his life trying to make up for her death, Zack's death, his mother's death, Tifa's father's death, Biggs' death, Wedge's death, Jessie's death, the entire population of Sector Seven's deaths, and Joe the Hot Dog Guy's death. No one particularly knew who Joe the Hot Dog guy was, but they were glad Cloud decided to bring him into the eulogy, since it was at least something resembling a change of pace.
Yuffie had to resist the urge to say 'Oh Gawd', which would interrupt her prayer to the White Materia, trying to put as much urgency into the request as she could just so something spectacular would happen and end Cloud's speech prematurely.
She'd read every piece of literature on the White Materia she could find. She'd stolen it all from Cosmo Canyon and Wutai, and buried herself in the legends of the Ancients. As long as her intent was pure - to get Cloud to stop whining, how much more pure could you get? - and her heart was in it, the White Materia should be able to grant her wish and bring the dead to life. In theory. Maybe.
Everything should have worked.
What Yuffie did not count on, however, was Reno.
The Turk, barely being held back by Rude, had a bottle of whiskey in one hand, a tie wrapped about his forehead, and shouted at Cloud, "Quit crying, woman, and show us your tits!"
Barret laughed at that, and Cid grunted, "Ugliest damn woman I ever saw, but it explains a lot."
"Now now," Rufus said, his voice mildly condescending. "This is a funeral. Can you animals not behave properly?"
"Thank you, Rufus," Cloud said grudgingly.
"Of course. A gentleman always defends a lady's honour."
There was more laughter among the menfolk this time. Tifa made a noise that sounded much like a kettle about to boil over. Red XIII huffed out a sigh. Tseng looked about ready to shoot someone.
"Fuck this whining!" Reno screamed. "Let's kick this funeral off with a fire!"
And then they all watched in helpless wonder - mixed with awe and fear - as Reno shoved his tie into his bottle of whiskey, lit it on fire, and threw it at one of the crystalline buildings of the Forgotten City.
There were some words of protest, of course. Mostly coming from the women. Some of the men were cheering. Mostly Reno and Cid. Barret did for a moment before the combined efforts of Marlene and Tifa brought him up short.
Rude was stoic, as usual, but something about his stance bespoke excitement, and Rufus had a condescending smirk on his face. Cloud let out a cry of anguish, but it may have had more to do with his own personal agony being intruded upon than out of any need to defend the history of the Ancients. Only Reeve, Tseng, and Red XIII were the least bit innocent.
It didn't save them from Yuffie's wrath.
It probably didn't help that it was Reeve that shouted, "You idiot, that's the Ancient's Materia storehouse!"
"No more men!" she shouted, gripping the White Materia in her hand. Her eyes widened, and she slapped her other hand over her mouth in shock, then quickly tried to recover a bit lamely, "I mean, let Aeris live again!"
Under ordinary circumstances, a deceased comrade rising from the waters of a lake would elicit a major response. Or perhaps any response at all. However, everyone seemed more preoccupied by other events.
Reno summed it up best with, "Holy balls, where did my balls go?"
Added to the fact that he literally screamed it like a girl only added to the laughter from all the women present.
"Hello!" Aeris greeted Cloud. "I'm alive again!"
"Not now, Aeris," Cloud said. "We have more pressing concerns."
"Concerns that can only be solved with more drinking," Cid grumled. She produced a beer from a nearby ice chest, fumbled with the cap for a few seconds, and swore a few times. After a moment, Tifa snatched the bottle away from him, twisted the cap off, and handed it back. Cid glowered at her for a moment, swore a few times, and then downed the entire bottle in one swig.
"Concerns that..." Reno began, then stopped as she looked around at everyone. "You know, Cid and Barret make some ugly godamn women, but Cloud's kind of hot. So's Vincent for that matter."
Vincent gave a swish of his cape and said, "I'm still a man."
"Wait, what?"
"When I saw that Yuffie was handling the White Materia, I decided to retreat into the shadows until the afteraffects of whatever result she was intending had passed."
"Then why do you look like a woman?"
"I have no idea what you're talking about."
"He's always looked like that," Barret said. "Damn confusin' sometimes."
"Wait," Cid growled. "You mean Vincent's a man? Then why the hell've I been tryin' to- I mean, uh. Never mind. Someone make me some godamn tea!"
"Hello!" Aeris said to Cid. "I'm alive again!"
"Do I look like I care? I have tits now!"
"And why does Tseng still look the same?" Reno exclaimed. "Why does he get spared?"
"I didn't," the Wutaian Turk said.
"Oh. Oh. Sorry, boss."
"Hello!" Aeris said to Reno, one wet and slightly greenish hand extended, "I'm alive again!"
Reno peered at her closely, and then leapt back, "Ah! Zombie! Kill it with fire!"
And with that, Reno drew her 'mag-rod, and began to chase Aeris around the Forgotten City.
"You know, it serves all of you right," Tifa said. "I'd like to think this is justice."
"What did I do?" Reeve exclaimed, who had not only turned into a woman like everyone else, but had also lost her beard along with the transformation.
"You mean other than that time you betrayed us to Shinra?"
"Technically, I later betrayed Shinra for you guys. And how does that merit me getting turned into a woman? That's not justice at all! It's... it's... it's..."
"Penicide!" Cid growled. "Godamn penicide, the worst crime there ever was! And it was all that brat's fault!"
As one, all the former men turned on Yuffie.
"Oops."
"No!" Tifa exclaimed. "I won't do it!"
"Come on!" Reno pleaded. "Please?"
"No! Go bug Rude to do it."
"But... that'd be gay."
"Reno. You're a woman. Rude's a woman. I'm a woman. No matter who does it, unless it's Vincent, it would be gay. And even then, it might still be gay. I'm not sure. There are no instruction manuals on this thing."
"But... Just motorboat me! Please! Just once! I want to know what it's like!"
Rude coughed. Cid made a sound much like retching. Barret didn't stop at just making noises. All the while, Marlene was tugging at his pants leg, saying, "Daddy, does this make you my mommy now?"
"Has anyone seen Aeris?" Tifa abruptly asked.
"Hello!" she cried from the cover she was hiding behind. "I'm alive again!"
"Oh good. I was afraid Reno had killed you."
"You kidding me?" The redheaded Turk said. "My 'mag-rod is a melee weapon, and she smells awful. I'm not getting that close to her."
"Where'd Cloud go?" Reno abruptly asked, looking around.
"Rufus, Tseng and Reeve decided to interrogate Yuffie to find out how to fix this problem. Red XIII is exploring the city's library for any possible solutions. We just assumed Cloud went with them."
"I'm right here, guys," Cloud's new feminine voice called. "I just had to find something."
They all turned to look at the building Cloud had just exited. She was preening over herself, smoothing out wrinkles in her newly acquired dress.
"What," Reno said.
"The," Cid continued.
"Fuck," Barret finished.
"Fuck fuck fuck!" Marlene mimicked.
"Don't say that, honey," Barret grumbled.
"You can't tell me what to do! You're not my daddy anymore!"
"That's it," Barret said. "If someone hasn't found the answer to how to fix this, I'm going to kill Yuffie."
"I swear I didn't mean to!" Yuffie cried.
Her protests didn't help her any. As a matter of fact, it just made Reeve and Tseng, who were both holding her upside down by her legs, shake her harder. More Materia clattered to the floor, rolling about every which way. Rufus negligently picked up a red orb, examined it, and placed the nozzle of his pistol against it.
"One last time, Kisaragi," Rufus said. "Tell us how to fix this, or Choco Mog gets it."
"But I don't-!"
BLAM!
The sound of glass shattering immediately followed the gunshot, so quickly that it was almost indistinguishable. Red fragments flew about the room. And then, following that, came Rufus' howls of pain, as bits of Summoning Materia were lodged in his hand, face and torso.
"Hey, I found out a use for these things!" Cid exclaimed, pointing down at her chest.
"What's that?" Tifa said, a sigh in her voice.
"Flotation devices! Never was much of a swimmer! Had a body built for flyin'! But now I can float!"
Elsewhere, Reno was checking herself out in the mirror. "I am one fine woman. I would do me."
"You'd do female Cid or female Barret," Cloud muttered.
"Only if it were a threesome, and they had paper bags over their heads. But don't worry, Cloud, my standards haven't dropped so low for me to want to do you yet. At least, not without the double paper bag theory."
"Double paper bag theory?"
"One for you, and one for me, in case yours falls off."
"Classy."
"I know, right?"
"I know how to fix this!" Red XIII called.
There were many sighs of relief, and not just from the former menfolk.
"How?" several people said at once.
"The book I read said that sometimes, when using the White Materia improperly, your wish can get bound to another one you mistakenly make at the same time. All you have to do is undo the other wish, and the other wish will become undone."
Aeris poked her head up from her cover, "What?"
"I'm afraid, dear Aeris," Red XIII summarized, "that in order for our genitalia to stand tall and proud once more, we have to kill you."
"No!" Cloud said. "I'm her bodyguard! There must be some other way! I won't let her die again! We could get the Black Materia, and maybe it can undo it!"
"Yeah, but, that's like, really far," Reno said. "And this way, if you let us kill her, you get to continue to whine about how you couldn't save her."
"Oh. Good point. Then have at her."
"What?" Aeris said in shock.
"Kill the zombie!" Reno yelled.
"KILL THE ZOMBIE!"
And then they all killed Zombie Aeris, and lived happily ever after with the correct genitalia. Until the next time Yuffie said, "Oops."
Author's Note:
HAH! Wrote it in ONE DAY. Yes. That is right. I be awesome. Just in time to meet the deadline.