Disclaimer: I don't own the actual Twilight Saga, or any of its original characters.

A/N: This is a re-write of the first document I uploaded onto FanFiction because the first was meant to be a joke, and was purposely written terribly. It surprised me that a lot of people took an interest in this story, and I decided to make this into a proper parody. Nothing in this story is meant to be offensive, so please just read, enjoy and review!

1: Twilight

My name's Bella and I've just moved to Spoons, a small, isolated town on the coast of Washington. I'm not happy about it because it's all my mother's fault, and I hate her for making me move in with my transsexual father, who likes to go by the name of "Charlotte". If she hadn't started shooting up sherbert and oregano again, then I sure as duck wouldn't be in this situation.

"How was the trip here?" Charlotte asked me as we entered his house, which had once been a home intended for me to grow up in. Now there were posters of gay men and half-naked drag queens plastered over each wall of each room - some of them were framed, too. I sighed. "I hope you don't mind my new decor, Bella."

"No, I love naked men," I told him and went up to my room to unpack without glancing back to see his reaction.

The bedroom room hadn't changed a bit, and I had to stop myself from staring at the gorgeous reflection in my old floor-to-ceiling mirror. God, I knew I was attractive, but I also knew that to make friends I had to pretend I didn't. The next day I started school, so I decided to get a good night's sleep.

I woke up to the sound of my dad singing as he moved around downstairs the next morning, and I rolled out of bed and went to the bathroom so that I could shower. After about ten minutes, I got out of the shower and skipped past the bathroom window to grab a towel, forgetting that the curtains were completely open. I heard the laughter before I saw him, and I swear to God in that moment I had more than one facial expression as my jaw dropped in surprise.

What an actual pervert!

"What's your problem!" I pretty much screamed at the boy, who was now leaning out of his window, laughing so hard I thought he might actually fall out. His laugh traveled across the distance between our houses. It was a really nice laugh, but there was something odd about it.

"I'm sorry, I just happened to be by my window and then all of a sudden I look, and bam! Naked girl!"

I'd forgotten that I was still naked, so I tugged the curtains closed and started crying. What an absolute jerk! I couldn't believe he'd looked at me naked, let alone laughed at my naked body. What was wrong with him? Wasn't I attractive?

I went through the rest of the morning trying my best to decline any form of friendship from people, considering I was too absorbed with my depression to even consider socializing. In the hallway at school I saw the pervert from next-door again,. I hadn't realized before that he was so good looking, however there was something odd about the way he was wearing incredibly baggy jeans and a large, pointed hat. As we passed each other in the hallway, he winked at me and started laughing again.

Blushing like I always do, I ran to the nearest door and found myself hiding in the janitor's closet. I fell to the floor, hugging the mop bucket to my chest, and started crying uncontrollably.

My life was so much more terrible than anyone else's in the world, and it was terrible because no one would sympathize with me or try to make me feel better. I had to deal with having an amateur druggie as a mother, and a transsexual who wears more make up than I do as a father! Didn't anyone know how upset I was, let alone stopped to ask me how I felt about moving to Spoons?

I don't know how long I was there for, but a while later the door opened with a creak. I almost pooed myself because the creak was as loud as a gunshot.

"Hey," said an unfamiliar voice. It was a melodic voice, but there was something sort of odd about it. "Are you alright, Bella?"

"How do you know my name?"

"It would be rude to know what your tits look like and not know your name, wouldn't it. Plus, your mom let us know that you were coming to stay with her for a while. I do live next door to you, after all."

I finally looked up, and my jaw dropped again. Of all people, it had turned out to be him. For duck's sakes!

"Don't cry," he told me and I didn't again. Suddeny, he was kneeling next to me, his large hat brushing the top of my head. I looked into his buttery eyes, and knew I had been wrong. I didn't know this boy, but he was so wonderful that I couldn't help but kiss him then and there. It was magical, despite the fact that there was something odd about the kiss (not to mention that the hat got in the way). He told me his name was Edward, and that he would love me for ever and ever and ever. How lucky am I!

Edward and I were so in love as the weeks went by, and I didn't even get scared anymore when he saw me naked from his window. In fact, I even enjoyed it when he stared. The happiness of being with someone so magical made me feel better about having an amateur druggie for a mother and a transsexual for a father, and having no friends and no real substance.

I had been in Spoons for almost a month when I tried calling my mother, but the nurse told me she was doing some group therapy and said to call back later. I didn't, instead choosing to spend me time with my wonderful boyfriend. Edward picked me up from Charlotte's house in his shiny Volvo, and after about fifteen minutes on the road we pulled in by an entrance to the woods. Edward took my hand, and I tried to ignore how scaly his palm was. He led me to a beautiful meadow.

"Bella, I have something to tell you about my family and why we're here in Spoons..." Edward began, looking at me with his beautiful buttery eyes.

"What is it, Edward?" I asked, and smiled at him. I loved him so much that I knew nothing would make a difference to how I felt about him - he was that important to me. In fact, it was possible that I even loved him more than I loved myself. "I love you so much that nothing you say will make a difference to how I feel about you!"

"I love you even more than that Bella, so I think you should get to know why I wear big hats and baggy jeans. You see, eighteen years ago my adoptive father, Dr. Carlisle Cullen, started experimenting with genetics. He tried to crossbreed humans with an assortment of animals... and I was one of the products," Edward slowly took off his hat, revealing a large horn. "I'm half narwhal, Bella. Do you still love me?"

Sure enough, Edward shimmied down his trousers and there was a long, scaly tail coming out of his ass. I looked at him and grinned, the sun setting behind us in a radiant semi-circle. The glow of such a perfect evening was all most too much to bare, so I started focusing on Edward again and not on twilight. Who knew I could get so easily distracted?

"I've always liked fish," I told him, kissing his face and then standing on the tip of my toes to kiss his horn.

"But narwhals aren't-" I cut Edward off. Feeling courageous, I grabbed his ass cheeks in my hands and squeezed. He had such a nice bottom, however I had always known there was something odd about it. Now I knew the truth about Edward and his family, I knew that nothing would ever come between us. "Bella, stop. I can't have sex with you! Not now, not ever!"

"But why not?" I said, tears suddenly streaming down my face. Why would he say something so insensitive and hurtful? I loved him! Didn't he love me?

"Because I haven't asked you to go to the dance with me yet!" And then he did, like so many other pathetic boys at Spoons High School had, and I stopped crying and everything was fine. Sex was something we'd have to talk about some other time, as I sure as duck wasn't letting him get away from the subject of coitos that easily. I could only hope we would be together for eternity because I really did like fish!