Disclaimer: Tomb Raider belongs to Square Enix and Crystal Dynamics. I make no profit by writing this fiction. All ideas in this story are my own; similarities with other fictions are purely coincidental. And also, English is not my native language.
Warning: This fic contains bad writing, tasteless humour, and blatant, unashamed Lara / Sam worshipping. It also contains a lot of annoying pop culture reference and nonsensical violence. I'm sorry if you decide to read it anyway, because you're clearly as damaged as I am.
Tomb Raider: A Sadomasochist Is Born
Chapter 1
So…like…a famous person once said…it is not who you are, but what you do that defines you…or something like that…God there are so many variations to the same shit these days…they all mean the same thing anyway…
Come to think of it…I think it was Batman who said that…or his squeeze…fuck I can't remember…Who cares anyway?
Anyway, I finally set out to make my mark, to find adventure. But Instead, I realised I suck at hide and seek…because adventure found me first…
Lara was sitting on her bed, listening to a kick ass song called "Elevation" by a kick ass band called "U2". Lara loved that song. For some reason, it reminded her of herself.
Suddenly, the ship was hit by a huge wave. The inside of the ship rocked violently and Lara was thrown off her bed onto the floor. The alarm sounded off. Lara groaned. She exited her cabin and was immediately swept off by the oncoming wave. With her mouth choking full of horrible tasting sea water, and her limbs flailing around, Lara thought to herself…
In our darkest moments, when life flashes before us…Sam…we find something…Sam…something that keeps us going…Sam…
Lara banged her fists on the tiny round window and shouted for help. She was about to pass out before someone pulled her out of the water. Lara didn't see his face, but she was sure it was Jonah. Only the big guy had an arm that huge.
So she looked to the other side and saw Roth waving like a lunatic and asking her to jump.
"Come on Lara!" Roth shouted, "You jump! I jump!"
What the hell was that? Lara thought to herself. She shrugged it off. She then ran and leaped off the edge. Roth managed to catch her. However, the old man's shoulder immediately cramped up.
"Aaarrrggghhh! My shoulder! My shoulder is cramping!"
"Don't you let go old man!" Lara shouted back.
"I'm sorry Lara! I'm sorry!"
Despite Lara trying her best to cling on, Roth's hand slipped and Lara fell into the sea. The last thing she heard before she hit the water was Roth's maniacal singing in the storm.
"NEAR…FAR…WHEREVER YOU ARE…I BELIEVE THAT THE HEART DOES GO ON…"
Lara made a mental note to herself. Next time she sees Roth, she will kick his ass.
Lara then managed to swim to the shore. She climbed onto the beach and coughed up the sea water choking her lungs. She then stood up.
"Hello? Reyes? Jonah? I'm here!"
Then suddenly, someone knocked her out from the back.
When she woke up, she was hanging upside down in some sort of cave. She was also wrapped in some kind of cocoon.
"Help! Jonah! Reyes! Help! Got to get down!"
She swung back and forth and touched her cocoon on a fire.
"This is gonna hurt!"
Her cocoon then lit up and dropped her to the floor. Lara was impaled by a piece of steel pike. She bit her teeth and yanked the steel pike off. Strangely, it didn't hurt at all, and in fact it felt quite good.
Without having much time to think, she stumbled forward. The next thing she saw was a female corpse hanging on the wall.
"What is this place? What happened to you?"
All these grotesque surrounding was a bit too much for Lara. She pushed herself forward. While she was burning off some obstacles on her path, she suddenly heard a piercing, wailing scream coming from deep beneath the cave.
"THE PRECIOUSSS IS GONE! SOMEONE STOLES IT! SOMEONE STOLES OUR PRECIOUSSS!"
"Oh shit he must have heard me," Lara mumbled to herself.
She then cleared some more obstacles, and was about to go through a small tunnel when a slimey creature latched onto her legs.
"Give us back our preciousss!" It shouted.
Lara was shocked, but fortunately she managed to kick off the creature before the ceiling collapsed and block it off. Lara then continued on her way. She cleared some more obstacles and solved some puzzles and blew some stuff up.
The cave began to collapse. She ran towards the exit. She jumped over falling cliffs and dodged some falling rocks.
The creature, however, caught up with her. It once again latched onto Lara's legs.
"Preciousss…! Give us back-"
Its sentence was cut off and its pathetic life was ended when a falling rock crushed its skull. Lara meanwhile ran towards the light at the end of the tunnel and managed to escape before the cave imploded.
Standing on top of the cliff, it was then she saw it…the island…the beach…shipwrecks…so many shipwrecks…
And not just shipwrecks…there were planes…submarines…rockets…space shuttles…even flying fucking saucers and alien spaceships…
"My god…" Lara said, "This is huge…this adventure is going to be so kick ass…Tomb Raider is back baby!"
Lara then made her way around the cliffs. In the process, she learned how to walk on a tree trunk, cross a waterfall via a plane wreck, but best of all, she learned how to scramble on a wall. These tricks would prove useful later in her adventuring career.
She then came to an opening and noticed Sam's pack.
"Sam! Sam!" she called, but no one answered.
She began to search through Sam's pack, hoping to find something useful. She managed to find a video camera, a match box, a walkie talkie, and to her delight, Sam's favourite pink dildo. That would come in handy if she were to be stuck on this island forever.
It began to rain. She then continued on her way, searching for other survivors, before she slipped and fell down a steep slope into a coastal forest.
Lara then managed to find a dry spot where she attempted to light a fire. She frowned when she opened her match box to reveal the last remaining matchstick.
"Seriously…who the hell still uses matches to light fires?" Lara mumbled to herself, "Ever heard of a lighter dim wit?"
Luckily, she managed to light the fire in the end. She sat close to the fire and took out Sam's video camera. She then played the videos.
The camcorder was supposed to film footages of Lara and her colleagues doing serious work and research on archaeology. Instead Sam was only using it to film R-rated sex scenes between two secret lesbian lovers. It was full of both short and long clips. Sam had even named the clips herself. It contained such titles as "lesbian couple making hot love", "two hot girls 69 each other to oblivion", "naked shower scene of two hot lesbian lovers", but one particular title caught Lara's attention. Her face darkened when she saw the title "Lara Croft's powerful squirt".
"Sam…" Lara thought to herself, "I am going to kick your ass when I see you…"
Soon, the rain stopped. Lara found herself feeling very hungry. She decided to go hunting. She stumbled upon a dead body with a makeshift bow hanging on its shoulder. Lara nicked the bow for herself. She then proceeded to kill every single deer and rabbit in the region. Because they tasted so good and gave her so much XP. Nope…she didn't even feel sorry for the suckers…
Just as she finished her meal by the camp fire, she heard Roth's voice on the walkie talkie.
"This is Conrad Roth, captain of the Endurance, also known as Titanic Mark II. We are shipwrecked on an island inside the Dragon's Triangle."
"Roth!" Lara said.
"Lara?" Roth replied.
"You're alive!" Lara said.
"Easy, easy…are you ok?" Roth asked, "What happened?"
"I remember the beach," Lara explained, "then it went black and I woke up in a cave…there was this crazy creature and a dead body…"
"Oh God…" Roth said, "Where are you now Lara? Are you safe?"
"It was so horrible…" Lara nearly cried, "It's all my fault…this is all my fault…"
"Lara! Listen to me!" Roth sounded stern, "I sent an SOS from the Endurance, also known as Titanic Mark II, before I abandoned her. Hopefully someone caught it. I've spoken to the others. We're regrouping at my location."
"Please come and get me!" Lara pleaded.
"I have to stay here," Roth explained, "You can do this Lara. Remember when we went to Disney World? You said the key was knowing that all you've got to do, is just keep moving, and ignore-"
"Ignore the Mickey Mouses and Donald Ducks…" Lara continued, "God they are so annoying…"
"Remember everything I've taught you Lara," Roth said, "You're ready for this. And keep your radio on."
"Okay," Lara said.
She then stood up and started walking. It wasn't long before she heard from afar a creepy ass music that sounded like it came straight out of a Japanese horror movie. Lara though, was quite curious and she followed the music. It eventually led her down to the sewer, where she collected her fabled pick axe. She then made her way through the sewer and came up on the other side.
It was there that she reunited with Sam.
"Lara! You're here!" Sam happily exclaimed.
Sam was about to hug Lara, when Lara frowned and held up the camcorder.
"Oh…Sorry about that…" Sam said sheepishly.
Lara shook her head. She could never be mad at Sam. She then gave Sam a hug.
It was then she noticed the strange looking man standing at the side. Lara took a step back, slightly surprised.
"It's ok, he's one of us," Sam explained.
"Sorry to startle you…this place would make any man a little jumpy," the man said, "We just spoke to your crew, they're on their way."
"Look, he bandaged my foot," Sam said.
"Oh it was the least I could do," The strange man said. He then turned to Lara, "My manners, I'm Matthias…a gigolo by trade…"
He then offered his hand. Lara arched her eyebrow. She wondered how such an ugly man could ply his trade working as a male prostitute. She hesitantly shook Matthias' hand. It felt kind of dirty…
The three of them then sat down together. Sam began to regale her companions with her story about Himiko like it was some kind of fairy tale. Lara soon dozed off to the boring story.
When she woke up, she was alone. Sam and Matthias were both missing. Lara quickly went to find them. While she was doing so, she unknowingly stepped on a bear trap. She yelled in pain. It was then she heard wolves howling.
Suddenly wolves began to jump out from the bush and tried to attack her. Being a master marksman though, Lara took them out easily with her bow and arrows. She then made a mental note to herself. Must barbeque the wolves later and see what they taste like…yummy yummy…
Just then, Reyes, Jonah, Whitman, Alex and Grim arrived. They freed Lara from the bear trap.
"It's good to see you, little bird." Jonah said.
"It's good to see you too, big bird." Lara replied. Big bird…That nickname always made her chuckle.
After a brief discussion, it was decided that Whitman would stay with Lara, while the rest headed off to look for Sam. Whitman being Whitman though, was an ass, and it wasn't long before he wandered off and left Lara by herself.
Once Lara was feeling better, she got up and began to explore the area, killing some more wolves in the process. She also found several pages of Sam's journal. She made a mental note to herself. She must tell Sam not to leave her journal everywhere. Certain things were meant to be kept as secrets! She then stumbled upon a secret tomb.
"Downloaded Tomb: Tomb of the Lost Adventurer"
It was a large open area and a swamp. At the centre was a plane wreck. Lara proceeded to solve the puzzle. She managed to climb to the top of the tower and raided its tressure. Just before she left though, something caught her attention.
Sitting right next to the tressure box was a human skeleton. There were some words engraved on the nearby wall. It read:
Here lies Nathan Drake, greatest adventurer that ever lived.
Lara rolled her eyes. What an amateur…
She then used her pick axe to scribble some more words on the wall, so that it now read:
Here lies Nathan Drake, greatest adventurer that ever lived.
Lara Croft was here! Suck on that LOL!
She then left the tomb and went to join up with Whitman. After upgrading her pick axe, she helped the totally useless Whitman pry open a heavy door. Together, they ventured through the door into the alley beyond, where they came across multiple stone statues. These stone statues were arranged in various sexual positions.
"That female drawing on the gate," Whitman began, "Given its age, it could be the Sun Queen."
"Himiko?" Lara said, "Are you sure you're not channeling Sam?"
"Well, there's no doubt Himiko had power," Whitman replied, "And legend says that she is also very, very sexually promiscuous."
"A woman who wields so much sexual prowess, sooner or later she gets called a whore." Lara said.
"We shouldn't discount anything, even what may seem to us irrational." Whitman continued, "We still have much to learn about the world and the art of love making."
Lara sighed, "You sound just like Sam."
"It could be one hell of a sex education," Whitman said.
"Not if we don't live to try it," Lara replied.
Soon, they reached the end of the alley. They came upon a large female statue with enormous breasts.
"Incredible!" Whitman exclaimed, "It is Himiko!"
"But look, the bowls, the candles…and what the fuck is that?" Lara twisted her face, "Is that…is that dried sperm on her breasts? Why is Himiko still being worshipped?"
"This island," Whitman sounded excited, "It must've once been part of Yamatai! You were right, Lara! It's like finding Atlantis!"
"But this is real, Dr Whitman!" Lara felt excited too, "We're not standing on a myth!"
"No!" Whitman laughed, "We're standing on a sex paradise!"
Just then, they were ambushed by some Russian speaking thugs. Whitman, being a useless ass, surrendered unconditionally. Lara, being English, almost felt compelled to make a French joke about it, but she held back.
She was then tied up and taken away by the thugs. They soon came to an opening, where Lara noticed that many of the other Endurance crews were being held captive.
"Who are you people?" Lara asked, "What do you want with us?"
"Silence!" The head of the thugs shouted.
"Lara!" One of the captives said. Lara knew him as Deckhand. He always wore the same sea-blue beanie and jeans with a white shirt underneath.
The thugs then knocked Deckhand back onto the ground.
"Don't hurt them please!" Lara pleaded.
"I said silence, girl!" The head of the thugs then started to feel Lara up.
It was then Deckhand did a very brave thing. He stood up and ran, trying to distract the thugs, "Lara! Run!" He shouted.
The head of the thugs then shot him dead. This sparked a mass break out amongst the captives, and the thugs started massacring all of them.
"Don't you fucking move!" The thug slapped Lara and she fell to the ground. He then left and chased after the escapees.
Lara stood up, still feeling the sting on her cheek. "You will fucking pay for that, asshole!" She mumbled to herself.
She then got back onto her feet and escaped like the others. She had to hide from some other thugs. Nimbly, she made her way to the top of the hill, when she stumbled upon the head of the thug again. Lara tried to hide inside a hut, but she was found out.
"No one escapes," He said, "Out!"
Lara had no choice. She came out.
The thug immediately started feeling her again, "I always find them…" He then smiled lecherously, "My name is Vladimir…and…rape is my specialty…"
Lara kicked his groin. The man stumbled backwards. Lara tried to escape again, but he caught her. He then started kissing her neck. Lara bit off a chunk of his ear. He then screamed and fell backwards. Lara took the opportunity to free herself from the ropes tying her hands. She then fell to the ground, where she found a handgun.
Lara fired a shot. It managed to hit Vladimir in the knee. The man collapsed to the ground, wincing in agony.
Lara stood up. She fired several more shots, hitting Vladimir's other knee and both his shoulders, crippling him entirely.
As Vladimir cried in excruciating pain, Lara looked up to the sky and inhaled, savouring his misery. She never thought inflicting pain on her enemies would feel this good.
She then walked over to Vladimir, towering over him.
"Let me return the favour…" She said calmly, as she uncorked the handgun's cartridge and emptied all the remaining bullets onto her hands. She then unscrewed the bullet caps, "My name is Lara Croft…and killing is my specialty…"
She then poured the fire powder from the bullets into Vladimir's eyes, and stuffed some up his nostrils and ears, and then the rest into his mouth, "Remember that sadistic, innocent looking young girl you sometimes see in horror movies? Well, you've just met one in real life."
Vladimir was by now choking and drowning in gun powder. Lara took a burning torch from a nearby building. She then asked Vladimir, gently, "What's my name?"
Vladimir could only cough and mutter some inaudible words.
"I SAID WHAT'S MY NAME!?" Lara yelled. She then stuffed the burning torch onto Vladimir's genitals.
"AAAAAARRRRRGGGHHHHH!" Vladimir screamed in agony, "LARA! LARA CROFT!"
"And don't you fucking forget it!" Lara then stuffed the burning torch into Vladimir's gapping mouth.
She watched in amusement as Vladimir's face exploded in spectacular style, with fireworks shooting out from his eye sockets, nose, ears and mouth.
Lara once again inhaled deeply…
She felt…elated…
She felt…alive…
"That felt so good…!" She mumbled to herself.
With gun and bow in hand, Lara proceeded to butcher all the thugs in the mountain temple. That night, for the first time in hundreds of years, the island of Yamatai came alive to the music of a sadistic, psychopathic, raging girl.