Goodbye Means Everything
DISCLAIMER: I don't own Gilmore Girls or its characters. Any characters that you don't recognize are my creations.
DEDICATION: This is dedicated to my best online girls, Michelle, Hazel, Tina, Catie, Claire, and Jona! You guys are awesome friends, and I know I can always count on you.
SUMMARY: What if Rory couldn't say goodbye? Picks up at the end of 'Those Are Strings Pinocchio.' Literati
A/N: Okay, this is just a little idea I had. I'm not sure where it's going to go. I'm going to let it write itself. Catie and Tina, thanks for being awesome betas. Make sure you read my ending A/N if you're interested in being an idea… person. Read and review!
Prologue
"The reason it hurts so much to separate is because our souls are connected. Maybe they always have been and will be. Maybe we've lived a thousand lives before this one, and in each of them, we've found each other." -Unknown
Goodbye should be a simple word. For most people, the word is just another everyday word. It has no real meaning or feeling to it. For Jess and Rory, the word represents a complex concept. For most people, goodbye means nothing. For Jess and Rory, goodbye means everything.
"We can never turn back the pages of time, though we may wish to relive a happy moment, or say good-bye just one last time, we never can, because the sands of time continue to fall, and we can't turn the hourglass over." -Unknown
Chapter 1-
Rory grips her cell phone tightly, almost certain that her fingers are white. She has been unable to think of anything but Jess for days. The pain of his departure is more than she can bear.
"Jess, is that you? Jess, I'm pretty sure it's you, and I'm pretty sure you've been calling and not saying anything but wanna say something." The silence is like a knife in Rory's stomach. Does he not care enough to say anything? She cares. She doesn't want to care, but she does. She thinks she may love him, but none of that matters now because he's gone. She's here, and he's not. Besides, she can't bear to think about what might have happened if she had told him.
Jess can't breathe. He can't even open his mouth. The anger in Rory's voice is raw and fresh. His mind is numb; he knows that he is the root of her anger. She's right; he does want to say something. He wants to say I love you and I'm sorry. He wants to tell her that she is the best thing that ever happened to him.
He wants to be with Rory, but it isn't about what he wants anymore.
"Hello? You're not going to talk? Fine, I'll talk. You didn't handle things right at all. You could've talked to me." Could he have? Rory has asked herself that question hundreds of times. Was it something she did? Rory hopes that it wasn't her that made Jess leave, but then she shudders at the thought that she wasn't enough to make him stay.
Jess wants to kick himself. He knows that Rory must wonder if it was something she did, but it wasn't. It was never Rory's fault. Rory made things better, not worse. Rory was the thing that kept him in Stars Hollow. Confused, Jess wonders if he left because he thought that he was losing her. She was more than enough to stay, but without her, there was nothing holding him back.
He would change it all if he could. He would fix things with Luke, finish school, and be everything Rory believed he could be. However, the truth is harsh. He can't change anything. He can only alter the future, and if he can't do that, he is everything that everyone has always said he is. Everyone but Luke and Rory, that is.
Walter Lippman once said"Life is an irreversible process and for that reason its future can never be a repetition of the past." Jess clings to the hope that this is true.
"You could've told me that you were having trouble in school and weren't going to graduate, and that your dad had been there, but you didn't." Rory wants to understand why he didn't tell her anything. Was she not open enough? Did she push too much? Did she not push enough? She needs to let go and move on, but she wants answers.
Jess doesn't understand why things happened the way they did. Thinking back, he doesn't understand why he pushed Luke and Rory's efforts away. He doesn't understand why he pushed Rory away. He doesn't understand why he came to California.
"And you ended up not taking me to my prom and not coming to my graduation and leaving again without saying goodbye again, and that's fine, I get it, but that's it for me." Rory lied. She doesn't get it at all. Rory tries to pinpoint the moment everything began to fall to pieces, but she can't. She has trouble sorting out the memories, separating the good from the bad.
Jess hates that she's right. He hates that he ruined everything and he hates the person he let himself be.
"I'm going to Europe tomorrow, and I'm going to Yale, and I'm moving on. And I'm not going to pine. I hope you didn't think I was going to pine, okay" Rory tries to be strong, but inside, she's pining. She's not just pining for what was; she's pining for what could have been. She takes a deep breath and tries to get out her next words without breaking into audible tears.
"I think…I think I may have loved you, but I just need to let it go." Tears roll down Rory's cheeks. She doesn't want to let go. She wants to love him and be loved back. She wants to be with him. She wants everything she can't have, but she knows better. She's eighteen years old; she's going to Yale in the fall. She needs to let go of broken dreams and let go of the person she was with Jess.
She just needs to let go.
Jess closes his eyes in pain. She thinks she may have loved him. She thinks she may have loved him. He feels like hitting something. She thinks she may have loved him. The worst part of it is that he loves her too. He loves her, but he did what he does best: he threw it all away.
"So, that's it, I guess. Um, I hope you're good. I want you to be good, and, um, okay" Rory says. The next word is on her lips. All she has to say is goodbye. Her mind is churning at an incomprehensible speed. It's never been goodbye with them.
Flashbacks: Lorelai's Graduation Day
"Sounds like you got a party going on there."
"No, it's just me and my mom."
"Right. Okay, well, I'm gonna go. This is long distance."
"Yeah, it is long distance."
"So, see ya."
"Yeah, see ya."
(Later)
Rory climbed on the bus and walked back to a seat. She peered through the window at Jess, who was saying something.
"Why did you come here" Rory opened the window.
"What"
"I said, why did you come here"
"Well"
"I mean, you ditched school and everything. That's so not you. Why'd you do it"
"Because you didn't say goodbye."
"Oh. Bye, Rory."
"Bye, Jess."
End Flashbacks
Jess waits patiently for Rory to say the word that will rip his heart apart. He needs to hear it so that he knows Rory will be okay. He needs to hear it before he can begin to let go and walk away.
Rory tries to get the word out of her mouth, the word that will close a chapter of her life. She needs to say it before she can begin to let go.
Jess needs to say the word. He has always avoided it with Rory, but he's not sure why. He thinks that he was afraid to close the door between them, but now it's time. He needs to say the word before he can begin to move on. He needs to say the word for Rory.
Rory needs to hear it. She flickers between wanting to hear it and dreading the sound. The pain the absence of the word has caused her is enormous. She needs to hear the word before she can begin to move on. She needs to hear the word for Jess.
They both need to say the word and hear the word. They need to let go. They need to move on. They need the word.
The word doesn't come.
A/N: Okay…That's it for the first chapter folks! I know that was incredibly short and all, but that's how I wanted to end the chapter. The next chapter actually has dialogue that I wrote. I have to finish it and then have it looked at by my betas. Well, what are you waiting for? Review! Thanks! I'm looking for an idea person, so if you're interested, please leave your email address in your review, and I will email you ASAP with GME Ideas as the subject.