Turkeys and Pumpkin Pi

Summary: They wreck havoc all through the shinobi nations. But who knew they could destroy so much stuff in heaven? Who knew they could even get into heaven...? Special Thanksgiving fic!

A/N: rated for language... :P and crack. This is for Red Metoo!

Happy Turkey Day, everyone!

The first one to die in Akatsuki was Sasori, but only because he'd let his grandma kill him. The angel on duty that day read over the report and let him in because all he wanted was his parents back alive. Plus, he had his chakra stringed puppets pointed threateningly at her. How he brought them along too was a mystery.

"Into the waiting room," she said in an obnoxiously nasally voice, pointing at a silver door that appeared out of nowhere.
"Why?" Sasori whined. "I wanna go to heaven right now!" He even stamped his foot.

She peered at him from over her old-lady glasses. "Look, deary, ain't nothin' you can do 'bout it. Just get in."

Sulking, he stomped in and dropped into an amazingly soft armchair and ate an apple from the complimentary fruit dish.

Crunch. Crunch.

Time passed differently in heaven so Hidan's grand entrance minutes later was announced by cursing that would've made a sailor ashamed of himself.

"Why am I here, fucking heathens?! I should be with Jashin! WHERE IS HE?"

Blissful quiet while the angel was being strangled. But only for a few moments.

"Hell, I shouldn't be dead! I'm fucking immortal! Hey! Get your freaking hands off me, bitch!"

Crunch. Crunch.

The door clanged open to reveal the fuming angel holding Hidan by the collar. "You take care of him, chili head," she hissed, and then threw him inside and slammed the door shut.

Hidan curled up by the door and started rocking back and forth, clutching his amulet. "Jashin...where are you...Jashin... Oh, hey, Sasori. How did you die? ...Jashin..."

"Grandma killed me." He blinked. "But then she died too. I saw her walk past that window."

Crunch. Crunch.

"There's a window? Hahaha! Do you know what this means, Sasori?"

He sighed again. "Just leave me outta this..."

"Windows are totally breakable! We can bust out and go find Jashin!"

Just as Hidan was about to bring his scythe (no one knows how he brought that, either) crashing down, threads shot out from the doorway and wrapped around it.

"Stop it, Hidan. Do you know how fucking much it takes to fix a fucking broken window?" said a deep baritone (cough)extra gravelly like he just swallowed sand(cough) voice.

Kakuzu, of course.

Crunch. Crunch.

"Oh yeah, old man? Well guess what? They don't use money here."

"No...money...must...die..."

"You're already dead..." Sasori muttered.

The partners curled up by the doorway.

"Jashin..."

"Money..."

There was a huge explosion outside only a few minutes later.

"I'll blow my way into heaven, un! Katsu!" Another explosion.

Crunch. Crunch.

Moments later, the door flew open and Deidara was kicked through. "No blowin' up stuff here, mister!" the angel shouted in his face, then slammed the door shut. There was an ominous click.

Hidan turned to glare it his comrade, amulet in hand. "Nicely done, asshole. I was going to get out to find the great Jashin. You're such a-"

"How did you even get here?" Sasori interrupted.

"She said I was an artist." Deidara smirked and leaned in closer. "Bet she didn't say that to you."

Sasori let out an enraged yelp that quickly morphed into a howl.

Five hours, two hundred twenty one screams of "I'm an artist too, godammit!", and many screams later, he collapsed back into a chair, wiping apple juice from his eyes.

Deidara studied him closely. "Are you...sweating apple juice?"

"Well, what else am I supposed to sweat? Sweat? I'm a puppet, dumbass."

Hidan and Kakuzu snickered.

"Ah, the years of abuse," Deidara sighed dramatically. "When all I wanted was some love."

"No, all you wanted was some explosive clay." Sasori rolled his eyes and started on the grapes.

Kakuzu had a heart attack as he found a pile of coupons under the seat.

"True, that. Danna, I should consider a career in acting!"

Wait for it, Sasori thought to himself as he pulverized a grape between his wooden fingers. Wait for it...

"DAAAAANNNAAAA! I'm dead! I don't have a career choice! Why? Why must you do this to me, world? Whhhhhyyyyy?!"

"Shaddup there, girls," the angel called.

"Yeah, girls," Kakuzu agreed. "My coupons are complaining. The precious-ies don't like noisies..."

Sasori blinked.

"I feel ya," Hidan sighed, patting Deidara on the shoulder. "All I wanted was to be with Jashin."

The two buddies curled by the door, weeping softly.

Itachi stalked in an hour later.

"What is going on in here?" he asked, facing the wall.

"I see Itachi-san's eyesight hasn't improved," Sasori said, sweat dropping.

"Clay!" wailed Deidara.

"Jashin..." Hidan moaned.

"Monies," Kakuzu growled, kissing his coupons.

"Ah, my friends," Itachi grabbed a strawberry and ate it. "What a weird blueberry... I see that you are all missing something. I shall join you."

He sat by the cushion and petted it. "Nice hair, Deidara. So soft..."

"Clay..."

"You know how to throw your voice now? Amazing... Now what do I need? Oh yes. Math. Need...to factor...trinomials..."

"Claaaaay..."

"Jashiiiiiin..."

"Moneeeyyyy..."

Sasori rolled his eyes, settling back onto his chair. "Am I the only sane person around here?"

"Of course not. For I am God, and God is the sanest deity ever!" Cue lightning and thunder.

"You think you're God, so of course you're sane..." Sasori rolled his eyes again. "Did you die already, Pein?"

"I did not die. I sacrificed my soul and my body to bring back to life those that I killed." Cue more lightning and thunder and add some rain.

"Now, underling, what has been happening in my heaven?" Pein asked, plopping into a chair across from Sasori and picking up a grapefruit.

Before he could respond, a basketball attached to a body and an oversized Venus flytrap appeared.

"Tobi's a good boy! And so is Zetsu!"

Grapefruit juice splattered the walls.

"Need...to...kill..." Pein whispered, and started stabbing himself.

"Tobi likes grapefruits!" Tobi licked the walls.

Zetsu...became a houseplant.

Sasori finally snapped. He curled up in his armchair and wept, cradling a puppet to his chest.

"Grandmaaaaa..." Sniffle.

And that's how Konan found them when she barged in quite some time later, turkey in one hand, origami in the other.

She stopped in the doorway. "...Tobi...? But...But...you just killed me. How did you get here so fast? And Zetsu? But I just saw you..."

"Tobi time warped! Tobi's a good boy!" Tobi shouted.

"..." said Zetsu's black side.

"What he means is nice to see you again," said Zetsu's white side.

Konan face-planted against the wall and screamed.

"Now then," she said, slowly turning around. "We will wait here until God wants to see us. Which will probably take a long time-I blame you and your war, Tobi."

"Tobi likes nuclear warheads!"

Kisame flooded the room and came in riding a surfboard. "Hello, fellow evil people!" Heaven seemed to make him very happy...

"Now, Pein, I believe I have some money to collect? For being the last to die?"

Grumbling, he forked over the money and Kisame sat on the floor, petting Samehada.

They waited...and waited...and waited.

Finally, the angel opened the door and kicked them out. "God wants to have a Thanksgiving feast with y'all, but you're gonna have to cook the stuff for him. Vegetable heaven's up the escalator."

Zetsu perked up.

"Fowl heaven is the otha way, just jump across'n yonder crack and you'll get there. Now skedaddle!"

Everyone was gone in a flash.

"Let the chaos begin..." Pein muttered dryly, and then went off to go find God. They had so much to catch up on!

Konan had, of course, gone to set up the tables. She started off by folding 100 red turkey origamis, 250 yellow turkeys, 500 orange turkeys, and a huge pumpkin. By the time she was done, she looked a lot skinnier. Cause she used her skin-paper...

"Now, what should be the centerpiece? Oh! A cornucopia! With realistic food in it! And we need napkins, and a tablecloth, and plates, and..."

"Must...kill..." Hidan, Deidara, and Kakuzu stumbled up the escalator, assorted weapons in hand.

"Gobble gobble ack-!"

"First kill goes to me!" Hidan cackled, and put the turkey into a bag that had conveniently been laying there.

"Oh no you didn't!" Kakuzu brought back five turkeys with his threads.

"Yeah? Well I can kill the most, un! Katsu!" An explosion rocked the clouds. Carcasses and feathers flew everywhere.

"Yeah, bitch? Well look at this!"

A turkey-killing war started.

Zetsu jumped over the crack and was immediately rewarded by the sound of rustling leaves.

"This is heaven..." the white side said.

"Hey, babe." The black side winked at a tomato, which blushed. Meaning it turned to a slightly different shade of dark red.

"Ah..." Zetsu settled down between a group of pea pod plants and started chatting them up.

"Nice, leaves, I see they're quite healthy..."

"Ooohhhhhh, these roots are quite stringy but thick."

"Thank you..." the pea pod answered by rustling it's leaves.

While Zetsu was distracted, Sasori grabbed squashes and pumpkins and all the other Thanksgiving vegetables, whatever they are. Then he made a run for it, because everyone knows you should run from carnivorous murder-seeking plants.

Itachi had gone off to the kitchen to calculate the amount of heat and time needed to cook all of this food.

"340 degrees for 5 hours..." he muttered to himself, writing with a chicken bone against the refrigerator. He thought they were a dry erase market and whiteboard.

"Then we have the potatoes and garlic at 500 degrees..."

Unfortunately for him, the calculating was done way too quickly.

"Need...math..."

He started to write quadratic equations, factor trinomials, and do the pythagorean theorem.

"y=mx+b...3x+45+9x^2...a squared plus b squared equals c squared..."

By the time the others had returned to the kitchen, the walls were covered with grease and a muddy paper lay on the floor, the times and temperatures written in an untidy scrawl.

"I will take care of this," Itachi growled, and promptly cooked the whole thing with a succession of fireball jutsus.

"Tobi! Kisame! Add the seasoning."

While everyone else was off blowing up turkeys and flirting with plants, Tobi and Kisame had traveled to the most dangerous part of heaven-Spice Land.

There, they had battled the evil Spice Dragon, destroyed the Lake of Spicy Curry Soup, and eaten the Nutmegs of Doom.

In other words, causing chaos there too.

They returned victorious with spices and stuff, and when Itachi called for them, they expertly lathered it on everything.

Kisame even used Samehada to cut up some stuff.

"And now for the finale..."

Pumpkin pieces flew everywhere, obstructing the onlookers' view for a few moments.

When it cleared, there were a few jack'o'lanterns, and a huge pumpkin pie that had the math 'pi' symbol carved onto it. In fact, all of the pies now had pi on them.

Itachi bowed (to the oven) when they applauded, and then Sasori moved everything onto the table. Even the jack'o'lanterns.

God and Pein were already sitting there, chatting like best friends. When everyone else sat too, God had them all join hands.

"I give thanks to me," He said, "And all of my angels, and my kindness to the people. I thank myself for letting us have this great feast while people in Africa are starving. Amen."

Everyone sniffled as they echoed, "Amen."

"He must have had an English major before becoming God, Tobi," Itachi whispered to a pumpkin.

Pein cleared his throat. "Now, let's all take a moment to say thank you to someone/something. I'll start. I'm grateful for my badass hair."

God nodded approvingly. "Always think about the hair. I, for one, like my beard."

Konan said, "I'm grateful to paper."

"I'm thankful for water!" Kisame.

"Girl Parsnips..." Black-half said.

"No, no, I like the blueberries..." White-half protested.

"Tobi likes everyone!"

"Shut the fuck up, fag..." Hidan muttered. But he was fighting down a smile.

"I am grateful for the great Jashin! No offense, God man."

God shook his head. "It's all right. Me and Jashin were great friends back in the day."

"Money..." Kakuzu whispered.

"Math..." Itachi hissed.

"Puppetsss..." Sasori was still crazy.

"What about you, Deidara?" God turned to the blond.

He smirked. "I am grateful for pumpkins and explosive clay, un!"

"Huh?"

"Katsu!"

All heaven broke loose as pre-planted explosive pumpkins all around exploded.

A/N: This wasn't really meant to turn out like this, but I still like it. Any thoughts? Review!

And again, Happy Turkey Day everyone!