Caucasian Culture Club

by Magicfan

Cartman fights to create a new club at South Park Elementary, while Kyle is the only one that can see through Cartman's evil plan to justify hate.

intro

EXT South Park Elementary - daytime

cut to

int South park elementary - gym

It's club expo day at South Park Elementary. Tables are set up all around the gym, with teachers and students representing all the clubs and organizations the school has to offer. Mr. Garrison's class enters the gym.

MR GARRISON

Ok kids, quiet down. Today is club day, so you all have to go around and look at the different clubs the school has and join at least one.

STUDENTS

Awwww!

CARTMAN

What if we don't wanna join any suckass club?

MR GARRISON

Well too bad, Eric, you have to join one. The school board wants our students to be more active in extra-curricular activities.

The kids split up and look around at the different clubs.

Stan and Kenny go off together and look around. They arrive at a table where Tweek is helping out with an organization.

STAN

Hey Tweek.

Tweek

AAAGH!

KENNY

Woah, what's up with you?

STAN

He's Tweek, he's always like this, remember?

KENNY

Oh yea.

TWEEK

Don't join my club!!

STAN

What?

TWEEK

Don't join! I already have too many members! See!?

Tweek shows them the sign up sheet on the table. Only 3 Names are on the list.

STAN

But that's only 3 people.

TWEEK

AAGH! Exactly! 3 Whole people I need to take care of! I gotta plan meetings, events, projects... all kinds of crap!

MR. Tweek

Hello there, boys. Interested in our coffee club?

Tweek shakes his head and arms in a "no" response behind his dad's back. Stan and Kenny get the message.

STAN

Uh (beat) I think we'll pass. Maybe we'll be back around.

MR. TWEEK

Ok, sounds good. Enjoy your day. Here, have a free cup of coffee.

STAN

Uh, no thanks.

MR. TWEEK

Ok, suit yourself.

Stan and Kenny walk off to look at other tables.

TWEEK

Dad, do I HAVE to be president of the club? Can't someone else do it?

MR. TWEEK

Of course not, Tweek. We need to keep the coffee business in the family. You'll enjoy being in charge, I'm sure.

TWEEK

But it's too much pressure! I'm gonna freak out! AAAGH!

MR. TWEEK

Tweek, calm down! You just need some more coffee.

Mr. Tweek pours a cup of coffee and hands it to his son. Tweek drinks it quickly.

We join Cartman now, walking around and looking for a club himself. He comes across a math club, followed by a science club, followed by a Jewish club, and finally the hippie club, reacting to each one as he passes by.

CARTMAN

No. (beat) No. (beat) NO! (beat) BUH!! HELL NO!!

Stan and Kenny continue walking around, looking for a good club to join, but can't find any. They spot Jimmy in the crowd and go over to him.

STAN

Jimmy!

Jimmy

Oh, hey fellas! How's it g-g-going?

STAN

Jimmy, what club are you joining?

JIMMY

Oh, I don't have to join one, I'm already the president of "left in stitches".

STAN

Awesome! Sign us up!

Kenny

Yea!

JIMMY

Are you guys sure?

STAN

Yea, dude. It sounds good enough.

JIMMY

Alright, c-c-cool. Our next meeting is this Monday after school. Cya then!

STAN

Alright cya!

Stan and Kenny walk off, relieved that they found something decent at the club expo.

STAN

That was a close one. Now at least we'll be in this "left in stitches" thing with Jimmy. Prolly a stand up comedy group.

Stan, Kyle, Kenny and Cartman meet up again. They all take a seat on the bleachers.

KENNY

(to Kyle)

Find anything good?

KYLE

No. There's a Jewish club, I'll prolly just go with that.

CARTMAN

Heh, what a surprise.

KYLE

Shut up, fat boy!

Mr. Mackey walks past the boys and Cartman stops him to ask a question.

CARTMAN

Mr Mackey, why do we need to join one of these gay clubs?

Mr Mackey

Well, Eric, you don't have to join the gay club, you can join a different one. But it's good to hear that you're coming to terms with your feelings, Eric.

Stan, Kyle and Kenny begin to laugh.

CARTMAN

(mumbling)

Goddammit.

Stan

So, which club are you gonna join, fatass?

CARTMAN

I dunno, maybe I'll try (beat) aye!

The boys laugh at Cartman again.

CARTMAN

All these clubs suck. They just want us to join one so they can teach us more crap that we don't care about.

Kyle

Yea, probably.

CARTMAN

It's a conspiracy, you guys! They want to fill our heads with all kinds of knowledge and stuff!

KYLE

(beat) Ya know, you might be onto something there, Cartman.

CARTMAN

I'm gonna start my own club!

STAN

Sorry, Cartman, but they probably won't let you make a club for fatasses.

CARTMAN

Aye!

Principal Victoria walks by and Cartman stops her to ask about making a new club.

CARTMAN

Principal Victoria, can students create their own club?

Principal Victoria

Why of course they can, Eric!

CARTMAN

(excited)Can I start my own?

PRINCIPAL VICTORIA

Oh, sorry, Eric, but we can't let you make a club for fatasses.

CARTMAN

Aye!

PRINCIPAL VICTORIA

But if you have a good enough idea for a club, you can set up a meeting with me to talk it over. You'll need a group of a few students to vote on it after you present the idea and we'll consider it for approval.

CARTMAN

Awesome! We need better clubs at this school, like (beat) like a white kids club or something.

KYLE

What?!?!

CARTMAN

A club for white kids! What, you wouldn't join?

KYLE

Of course not!

CARTMAN

Why not? You're white! Unless you have a secret, Kyle.

KYLE

I may be white, but I'm not a racist!

CARTMAN

And what's that supposed to mean?

KYLE

Oh come on, fatass, you're just gonna use this idea as an excuse to discriminate against people like you always do!

CARTMAN

I am shocked, Kyle! I am shocked at these allegations you are throwing around! When have I EVER acted like a racist? The black kids have a club, I just want our white brothers to have a place to call their own.

Kyle rolls his eyes. He knows that the conversation is going nowhere. Principal Victoria continues talking to Cartman.

PRINCIPAL VICTORIA

If you want to pitch this club idea to the board, Eric, you can have a meeting with me and the board tomorrow after lunch. And remember, you need a team of students to vote on it, too.

KYLE

I'll do it!

CARTMAN

(surprised)

Uh, n..no thanks, Kyle. I'll find some other kids.

KYLE

No, I Wanna be there. After all our "white brothers" deserve a club of their own, right?

CARTMAN

Uh, yea, of course.

PRINCIPAL VICTORIA

Fantastic! The meeting will be tomorrow after lunch.

INT Principal victoria's office - the next day

A group of teachers are at a table and some students are in the room as well. Cartman enters, dressed professionally for his presentation.

CARTMAN

Distinguished members of the school board, student volunteers, I thank you for being here today.

We see the group of student representatives. In a row of seats, there are 4 ginger kids and Kyle on the end.

KYLE

Just get on with it!

CARTMAN

Members of the board, I think we can all agree that we have issues at this school. We have problems and problematic people.

The board looks slightly surprised and are wondering where Cartman is going with this. Eric continues his presentation.

CARTMAN

That's right, we have kids at this school who have no idea what their heritage is. They have no idea where their ancestors came from! That is why I propose the creation of the Caucasian Culture Club.

KYLE

(shocked)

(beat) You're f**king kidding me!

CARTMAN

It will be an organization where students can come and learn about their heritage, such as Italian, English, German or whatever!

KYLE

(beat) The Caucasian Culture Club?!?!

CARTMAN

This club will be the perfect way to eliminate the darkness at this institution...

The student panel looks offended, but Cartman quickly saves his argument once again.

CARTMAN

... the darkness in our student's minds about where they come from. And of course, let's not forget the black kids at this school...

The board and student panel gasp as Cartman's apparent racism. However, he saves it again.

CARTMAN

... They have their own club for cultural learning, and that's fantastic! But we need one too. The white students here deserve to be heard! This organization will teach others how great we really are and share our greatness with each other. Thank you.

The board and student panel reluctantly claps as Cartman finishes his presentation. Kyle sits still.

MR MACKEY

Thank you, Eric. Are there any questions from the panel?

One kid raises his hand.

MR MACKEY

Yes?

Kid

Eric, will Black kids be allowed to join the club?

A smile comes across Kyle's face as he waits for an answer.

CARTMAN

Uh (beat) Why yes, of course! Anyone who has an interest in the organization is free to join.

Kyle looks skeptically at Cartman who looks back with an evil smile. He has evaded disaster yet again.

PRINCIPAL VICTORIA

Thank you for the presentation, Eric. We'll discuss your presentation and make a decision by this afternoon. Student's if you can pass in your 'yay or nay' votes, that would be great.

The kids pass their ballots to a board member. Kyle takes a few seconds longer to pass in his paper, while he clearly draws a large "X" several times on it angrily. He finally passes the ballot off to the board member.

PRINCIPAL VICTORIA

Ok, We'll count the votes today and announce the results tomorrow.

int stan's house - after school

Stan and Kenny are in the living room, playing a board game, when Kyle comes in.

KENNY

Hey Kyle.

STAN

Hey. How'd that meeting go for Cartman's club?

KYLE

Decent, I guess. At least I was there to vote it down. I just hope the school board isn't dumb enough to be sucked into his evil plan like most people are.

KENNY

Yea.

KYLE

So what club are you guys gonna be in?

STAN

We joined Jimmy's club. It's probably for stand up comedians or something, so we figured that'd be cool.

KYLE

Yea, sounds good. I haven't decided on one yet.

Suddenly, we hear the door open and Cartman's voice fill the room.

CARTMAN

YES!! YEA BABY!

Cartman enters the room with a sheet of paper and waves it in Kyle's face.

CARTMAN

OH YEA! SUCK IT, JEW!!

KYLE

What the hell is this?

CARTMAN

Oh, it's only the approval letter for the Caucasian Culture Club!

Stan and Kenny

The Caucasian culture club? Really?

Kyle reads the letter. He can't believe it!

KYLE

No way!

CARTMAN

Oh it's true, Kyle. My beautiful vision of an organization for our white brethren is coming true. (acting serious) I just hope the rest of the school will accept this opportunity to learn about themselves and their background.

KYLE

Oh, bull s**t, Cartman! You don't give a damn about culture.

CARTMAN

Well, I'm sorry to hear you say that, Kyle, because I WAS going to offer you a position as vice president, but I'm not so sure now.

KYLE

I don't care! I don't even want to be in your racist club!

Kyle storms out of the room. We hear the door as he leaves Stan's house. Cartman focuses his attention to Stan and Kenny

CARTMAN

Well, too bad for him. At least you guys will be joining.

STAN

Yea, sorry dude, but we're gonna go with Jimmy's club.

KENNY

Yea.

CARTMAN

Goddammit! I guess I have to start recruiting as soon as possible.

INT school - After school the next day

Jimmy and a group of students are in a classroom, talking and hanging out before the first meeting of "left in stitches". Stan and Kenny arrive at the door and see the sign for the club.

STAN

This must be the place.

They enter the classroom and look around, only to be surprised that the room is full of handicapped kids. The club members look back at Stan and Kenny in confusion.

JIMMY

Oh, hey fellas!

STAN

Woah, we must have the wrong place.

KENNY

Yea, I think so.

JIMMY

No, no. This is my club, you found it. Come on in, take a seat. We're about to get st-st-started.

Stan and Kenny reluctantly enter the room and sit in the circle with the rest of the members.

JIMMY

Hello everyone! W-w-welcome to our first meeting. I'm Jimmy, the club president and it's great so see so many p-p-people here!

The kids look around at each other and some notice Stan and Kyle, seemingly not handicapped. Stan and Kenny look back at them, a little worried and out of place.

JIMMY

I'd like to start with some introduc-duc-ductions. We'll go around the room and give our name and tell how we became handicapped.

Jimmy looks to the kid next to him.

JIMMY

Steve, would you like to go first?

Steve

Sure. Hi everyone, my name is Steve and I have autism.

Steve looks to the boy next to him, Bill.

BILL

Hi, I'm Bill and I have tour-tour- FUCK! Tourettes.

Bill looks over to Stan with a critical face, just waiting to hear his story.

STAN

Uh. (beat) Um. (beat) My name's Stan, but I don't really have a story. I'm not messed up or anything.

The group looks at Stan, insulted.

STAN

Uh, um! No, not like you guys are messed up or anything. I just mean there's nothing wrong with me. N-not like there's anything wrong with being handicapped, I mean. I uh..

Jimmy laughs.

JIMMY

It's alright, Stan. You don't need to be handicapped to be in the club.

STAN

You don't?

STEVE

Of course not, dude. One of our goals in this club is to educate the able bodied students on what it's like to be handicapped and how to treat each other with respect and help each other out and stuff.

KENNY

Really?

JIMMY

Sure! Heck, we already have some able bodied kids in the club already. Like, John here.

We see John across the room, kicking his legs a bit.

JIMMY

There's nothing wrong with him at all! He just has restless leg syndrome.

Stan and Kenny look more comfortable and more accepted now. They decide to stay for the rest of the meeting.

int school hallway - daytime

We see a classroom door and Cartman is inside, promoting his club.

INT CLASSROOM

CARTMAN

And in closing I say (beat) Ask not what your school can do for you, rather ask what you can do to make my club successful enough to really piss off Kyle. Thank you!

The class looks at Cartman, stunned at his presentation. The teacher is uncomfortable as well.

Teacher

Uh (beat) Thank you, Eric. What a (beat) lovely organization you have there. But we really must be getting back to class.

The teacher persuades Cartman towards the door and he follows.

CARTMAN

Thank you for your time. I believe that, if we really work hard, we can do a great job at pissing off Kyle.

Cartman leaves the classroom and runs into Kyle in the hallway. Kyle looks angry at Cartman.

KYLE

Hey Cartman. What were ya doing in Mrs. Andersen's class?

CARTMAN

Oh, just recruiting for the club. Why do you ask?

KYLE

Interesting. And I saw you went to Mr Johnson's too? Did you get to Mrs. Bailey's class yet? Huh?!

CARTMAN

No, not yet, I (beat) wait a minute, how do you know which classes I'm going to?

KYLE

Oh, I dunno. Maybe because I did my research and found out that none of those classes have black kids in them!

CARTMAN

(sigh) Are you gonna start this again Kyle?

KYLE

I know this club of yours is just another way to spread your close-minded bigotry!

CARTMAN

Poor, poor, Kyle. You just can't accept the fact that I created my own club and your crappy Jew club hasn't gotten any new students yet.

KYLE

You know that's not true!

CARTMAN

Kyle, why don't you want this club to work? Even you have culture and (beat) I see now! Of course!

KYLE

What?!

CARTMAN

You're not jealous of my idea, you just don't want to learn the dark truth behind your own Jewish heritage! Believe me, Kyle, I don't blame you. If i were a Jew I wouldn't want anything to do with my people's horrible actions from the past, either.

KYLE

Screw you, Fatass!

CARTMAN

Kyle, I understand now. If you don't want to learn about how your people started all the wars, I won't be offended if you don't join the club.

KYLE

AAAAAAGH!!!!

Kyle walks away, clearly not getting the point across to Cartman. Cartman yells to Kyle as we walks away.

CARTMAN

It's up to you, Kyle! The best way to deal with your future is to confront your past! It's up to you!!

int classroom - daytime

The kids are getting ready for class. Stan and Kenny are at their desks and Kyle arrives, looking depressed.

STAN

Hey, dude, what's wrong with you?

KYLE

Uhg! I'm just sick of Cartman. He gets away with everything! How is it possible?

STAN

He's Cartman, dude. He just does.

KYLE

But why doesn't anyone stop him? He gets away with racism and bigotry constantly and no one stops him!

STAN

Well, usually, his crap ends after a few days. His club will be gone in a week.

KYLE

But what if it's not? What then? What if he convinces everyone to join him and try to kill all the black kids or something?!

STAN

Don't worry about it, Kyle. It's Cartman. It never works out for him.

KYLE

Well I hope you're right.

INT CLASSROOM - after school

It's the first meeting of the Jewish students club and Kyle is in attendance. The president of the club makes a quick announcement.

President

Hey everyone. Welcome to our first meeting of the semester. Feel free to socialize for a little bit and we'll get the meeting started in a few minutes.

The kids continue to talk and hang out for a little while longer. Clyde arrives and he spots Kyle and heads over to talk with him.

Clyde

Hey Kyle. What's up?

KYLE

Oh, hey Clyde. I think the catholic club is down the hall.

CLYDE

No, no, I'm here for the Jewish club.

KYLE

Really? That's great! I didn't know you were Jewish.

CLYDE

I'm not, I'm just interested in learning more about it.

KYLE

Wait. (beat) Your NOT Jewish?

CLYDE

Nope.

The club president walks by and notices an unfamiliar face. He enters the conversation.

PRESIDENT

Hey guys, welcome. And who might this be?

KYLE

Hey, uh, this is my friend, Clyde. (quietly) ... but he's not Jewish. What do we do?

PRESIDENT

He's not? Well that's great!

KYLE

It is?

PRESIDENT

Of course! Welcome, Clyde. Good to see a gentile here.

CLYDE

Thanks!

PRESIDENT

It's too bad that so many people think we're an exclusive club, only for Jews, but we're open to everyone.

KYLE

We are?

PRESIDENT

Of course we are, Kyle! Anyone who is interested in our organization is free to join. C'mon, Clyde, I'll introduce you to the other members.

The club president and Clyde walk off. Kyle looks on with confusion and realizes where he heard that line before. From Cartman's presentation. Now he realizes how closed minded he himself has been and realizes what he must do.

EXT classroom - after school

Cartman is greeting potential members of his organization at the door of a classroom, looking as innocent as he can. Dressed in a suit and tie, he is ready for the first meeting of the Caucasian Culture Club.

CARTMAN

(to multiple students)

Hello. Nice to see you. Come in. Meeting is right in here. Hi.

Kyle walks up to Cartman, looking as defeated as he can. Cartman is surprised to see him.

CARTMAN

Hello Kyle. Here for the meeting?

KYLE

Cartman, I owe you an apology.

A smile comes across Cartman's face. He knows he has won.

CARTMAN

Really Kyle? Do go on.

KYLE

At first, I thought this club was just another one of your lame ass schemes to be a bastard. But now I see that you haven't done anything wrong at all. This is a legitimate idea you have and it just SEEMS racist.

CARTMAN

Well, Kyle, I'm glad you finally came to accept this club, as the school will accept it, too. C'mon in.

Kyle enters the classroom and Cartman beings to follow. Token arrives at the last second to attend the meeting as well, but Cartman stops him.

CARTMAN

Oh, sorry Token, the room is full.

Cartman closes the door in Token's face. Token is shocked and looks pissed.

THE END