Never Trust, and Never Be Disappointed.
Disclaimer: I wish I owned supernatural, but I don't. I wish I got paid to write for supernatural, but for now, I don't. Anything you recognize, I probably don't own.
Summary: Companion piece to "A Mistake Not Worth Making Twice." Thoughts after Citizen Fang, and Blood Brothers. Sam-centric.
A/N: This was written originally at the same time as "A Mistake Not Worth Making Twice" as an exercise trying to understand the differences between Sam and Dean's feelings and motivations. Pretty much, this is a companion piece to it, that I forgot about, surprisingly it talks about things that the finale pretty much cleared up.
Unlike Dean, Sam doesn't have an angel watching his back. Sam doesn't have a friend whose ready to tell him what he's doing is right, to stick him to his guns. To remind him, that it was his cause he fell for.
Sam has a brother.
A Brother who doesn't understand him. A Brother, that's proved he would die for him, truly… but a brother who is always going to point out his flaws and chide him.
A Brother who believes he's always right… and if Sam is against Dean's ideas, than that means he's wrong.
Sam had Amelia, for a time, when he quit trying to find his brother. When his hopeless search ended, when he couldn't bear to hope that Dean was going to be there make fun of him for his salads again. Sam had a family, like he'd always wanted, with a dog, with a father-in-law, and with love. He was safe, he was happy. Little in this new world, he had built for himself reminded of Dean, and that made it a lot more bearable than living out of Motels, and awkwardly ordering 1 bed, instead of 2, during his search.
Then Dean came back. And Sam left Amelia for him, knowing that Amelia choose Sam instead of Tom.
Dean came back ready with judgments, and ready to tell him how he had failed without him. How he didn't perform as well as expected without any support system. How Sam had disappointed him yet again, just like he had with their father.
He had left Kevin Tran on his own, the boy in Advanced Placement.
He didn't know until Dean was back and Angry.
Sam felt awful, knowing that Kevin Tran that young kid who had been so scared when they had met, and desperate was on his own against the world, without the protection that he could have provided. He was glad he was alive, and when they met the new Kevin Tran, sorry that he had turned into what he had. But Sam couldn't hold the weight of that, it wasn't his fault, just like the Winchesters, Kevin Tran had been chosen, to deal with the shit that others didn't have to deal with.
Even after Dean wrecked it with the Trans because he just had to try killing Crowley without worrying about the meat suit he was in being Mrs. Tran, he blamed it all on Sam.
Sam was tired of all this. Dean could do no wrong. Dean was chosen by God to end the apocalypse while Sam was chosen to start it.
Sam was chosen to be manipulated by Demons and gain a blood habit, and deal with stupid visions while Dean was given heaven's army at his disposal. Dean had the Angel's faith in him, while Sam had been the ones who had faith in Angels, and in God.
Eventually Dean had to deal with the betrayal of one of his own, when Castiel had brought the Leviathan on him. Dean was left broken. Sam, when he was betrayed by Ruby, he was expected to shoulder it, and move on because his trust in her, had brought the apocalypse.
Dean always did right by their Dad. Dad trusted Dean with eventually taking out Sammy. While Dean was saved by their father.
Sam loved Dean. He would forever owe Dean his childhood, and thus was obligated to allow Dean certain things.
If Sam had his eye on a girl at a bar, and Dean hinted he might be interested in that same girl, Sam would step aside, sometimes he would even be his wingman.
Sam gave. He gave things to his older brother that he couldn't be traced to him, ever since he gave Dean that amulet on Christmas all those years ago… Sam realized that Dean reacted oddly to presents, and didn't want to stomach a teary-eyed grateful Dean over something as little as giving him the last beer. So when he gave, he did, in subtle ways.
There was nothing that Sam could give to Dean that would ever pay his debt back. Dean had died and gone to Hell for him, to give him another chance at life, Dean had given him what little happy childhood he had. His mother died to save him, and his father had taken the small chance that Sam would have had to pay his brother back.
So Sam was a little more than willing to take a hit for his brother Dean, to show him that he cared just the same, or he had been in the past.
When Dean came back from Purgatory, he came back a renewed drill sergeant, any moment they weren't hunting after their initial reunion, were moments wasted. Dean had made him lose any hope of returning to his normal life, made his absence from Amelia permanent.
When Benny finally showed that he was more trouble than he was worth, Dean didn't believe it. So Sam let him investigate it, himself and later, Dean trusted Benny on his word, never mind that he wouldn't let his own flesh and blood explain what had happened in their year separation from each other. He was willing to trust a monster's word, over his own brother's.
Sure, Sam knew that not all monsters were monsters, Lenore, and Amy were prime examples of not actually monsters. But after being betrayed by Ruby, and later when Castiel had hid his motivations for finding the passage to purgatory, he was no longer willing to trust anyone on their word. Which is why, when Dean's daughter showed the intent to kill him, and Sam, he took that shot.
Dean, he supposed showing the early signs of that dangerous monster love that Sam had been formally affected by (ie: Ruby), was angry at Sam, for killing that monster that was ready to kill him.
When Sam tried to subtly console his brother when he was acting all guilt monster, and reminded him that she was a monster, not his daughter, Dean angrily disagreed.
Sam supposed that he should of known that he was going to side with Benny over Sammy. Just like how he had sided with Castiel (an angel, that Dean only had contempt for in the beginning) when it came to Sammy's partnership with Ruby.
Dean may be willing to die for Sammy, but he's not willing to trust Sammy.
Dean had cut off his cast early just to follow where Sam went, when he went to go see if Amy was killing again, and when Sam didn't kill her, after finding out that she was killing people to save her son, Dean killed her.
So he was peeved, that Dean had broken that precedence with Benny and his killing of Martin. Benny had killed someone, even if he had killed for his family, he still killed someone, just like Amy had, and Dean let it go.
Dean would rather trust anyone even monsters, over his brother.
All growing up, Dean lied to Sam, for as long as possible about what he and his father did when they disappeared for a couple hours. Sam was starting to think that maybe he hadn't been doing it to protect Sammy, but because he hadn't trusted him from the beginning.
It was wrong when Dean had made Sam think that Amelia needed his help, he had ditched Martin, and somewhat contributed to his death, in order to answer her call. Then, he made Sam face Amelia after leaving her, after she chose him over her husband Tom, alone.
Sure it was cowardly to avoid her after leaving her, for his brother, who it turns out doesn't trust him, or his instinct anyways, but who could blame him?
The world was not meant to stand on his shoulders, his whole life people have been telling that he's not meant for that type of responsibility. That no one can depend on him for anything. His brother and father, he failed to save Jessica, and most recently he failed Kevin Tran, and Amelia. He wasn't meant to have other people depend on him. He thought about going back to college in his spare time, going back to the path that he had been before he failed to save Jessica. But if there's anything this experience with Amelia, and Dean had taught him, no one could depend on him for anything, and he sure as hell shouldn't make a client come to him for help. To have someone innocent depend upon him for protection against an unjust death penalty.
His brother wanted to kill him, sure he was possessed by that civil war ghost when he expressed it, but it only possessed people who were truly angry, and wanted to kill people. That ghost just made him act on it, and when that failed, Sam was sure, Dean would find another way to punish him.
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