He looked at her but never the same way as he used to look at you. She had her head on the pillow, her red hair complimenting the white pillowcase beautifully. She moved her hand to this hair with her eyes half open - He felt her touch but it wasn't your touch. He kissed her in every available spot pretending it was you - He knew the love she was feeling, he felt the same but not with her.
She moved closer to him and whispered in his ear, making his heart race - but what she didn't realise was, that the voice he was hearing wasn't hers it was yours. Everytime she was talking to him he heard you and he knew it would kill her if she knew. You are always in the back of his mind, he can't move on even though he tries so hard. You are a vague fog he can't see his way out off. He felt his heart sink, he loved you, loves you and it aches him to know that he is going to put a ring on her finger, it aches him to know that he is going to say "I do" - but when she is walking down the aisle he is going to pretend that it's you. He is going to pretend that it's you in front him, walking towards him in a long white dress, looking more beautiful than ever. He is going to pretend that you kiss and pull each other close, he is going to pretend that you are holding each other so tight that it feels like a rope that can't untwist.
His eyes saddened and his heart sank even deeper - something he didn't know was possible. His mind raced back to all the chances you guys had missed. It made him want to crawl out of his skin every time he thought of it. Yes, he tried moving on, every day he was trying but you kept longing in his mind. He saw things clearly when he was with you and now everything seemed fuzzy, almost like he was going blind. He thought, as the rest of us did, that time would heal the wounds and lessen the pain. He thought that time would bring him happiness but he knows, we all know, except for her, that he will be screaming your name silently for the rest of his life.
She pulled herself away from him, noticing his distant look and placed a hand on his cheek before her head came to rest on the pillow again. He saw it in her eyes - it was the way she looked at him. He knew that she saw the one she wanted to spend the rest of her life with in front of her but all he saw was you .. Everywhere.
"What's wrong?" she asked trying to make sense of his saddened look. She had been seeing that look a lot more lately and why she did not know. He forced himself to regain control over his feelings before looking her way. A gentle smile was spreading across his lips as he pulled himself out of his imaginary world. "Nothing" he almost whispered, knowing he could not tell the truth. He placed his head in her arms, pretending once again that it was your soft arms who caressed him. He wished. Wished so badly for just one more moment with you, a minute, a second - he would take all he could. Your goodbye to this world had been sudden and it left us all questioning the meaning in life, but mostly him.
You didn't get to say goodbye, you were pulled away from us with a blink of an eye. Leaving us, leaving him with a ripped heart. I've noticed him. Noticed how he's trying to pick up the pieces of his broken heart along the way but it seems like every time he pick one off the ground another one falls. Can't you see? Can't you see you were his heart, you were his life. He felt her fingers in his hair and even though he pretended they were yours he knew he should feel blessed and lucky that a girl like her had taken him for all he was - most of the times he was happy and he did feel lucky, because how could someone love a broken man? That was a question he had asked himself many times. He did love her, in a way, but never as much as you. You were his everlasting love. Even though he felt happy his broken heart never mended and we were all starting to question if it ever would. I know, he know that she is good for him but what a shame she cannot see, that you are the person who makes him whole. Without you he is just an empty version of the man he used to be. Yes, you are the person who gave life to his eyes, gave his heart a reason to believe. I know he's with her because she gives him that tiny piece of comfort he is missing, she allows him to escape to his world, your world, every time he feel her touch.
He knows using her like this is wrong but he keeps doing so, in hope that someday he'll love her the same, feel the same as her - but I know he never will. I can't tell him, I can't break him, he wouldn't survive it. "I'm gonna head out" he said and lifted his head, gave her a kiss and got out of the bed. He hurried out so she couldn't see his longing for your lips, your taste.
I watched him as he mounted his horse and looked around. Looked around everything that reminded him of you. He saw what you had built, what you had worked for. He saw your dreams and hopes. He saw what was left unfinished, he saw shattered hearts and dreams all over the place. Your shattered dreams.
A sting of heartache hit him in his chest as he thought of the dreams and plans you made with each other. He squeezed his eyes together, trying not to cry. His head was bent over and I could almost hear the hurt escape his lungs as he breathed out. He looked to the sky, I know he was looking for you - he had that look. The look I had myself whenever I looked for you, and off he went, out of my sight. I knew where he was going, I went there myself. Not as often as him - he went everyday. In the morning and in the night. He went to the only place that gave him meaning and yet the place was the very essence of meaningless. He was on his way to you, find the piece of strength he needed to get through the day. Even though you were gone you still gave him strength but I feared, we all feared that it wouldn't last. Little did I know that this day would be the day my fear came true.
I took a quick look to the sky myself before turning away. I myself have wanted to break down many times. My time with you was shorter than I wanted. I spent half my life missing you and now I had to spend the other half missing you again. A silent sigh escaped my lungs as I walked away from the window. It hurt to think off you, it hurt to talk about you but I knew talking was the only way to fill the hole you left inside of my heart. I gave you one promise - that I would look after her and so I will, we will. I will stay strong and find strength in the promise, I will make sure she knows just how incredible you were.
I wasn't there with him, I almost never were, only from a distance. He prefered being there alone so I let him - He wanted every piece of comfort from you for himself but I know how it must have played out, I had after all seen it from a distance many times. He would stop the horse a few meters away, get down and walk with heavy feet towards your grave.
When he got there he would let go of the reins and fall to his knees. At first he would sit there, say nothing, just look. Look at the flowers and then the stone. He would try and picture your face in front of him, picture what was a vague memory of the body that held the soul and thoughts of the person he loved the mostand then he would smile for a second as you appeared before him but only for a little while, then he would stop, seeing the wind carry you away again and then he would cry. He would place his head in his hands and let the hurt out, the hurt he had to keep inside because she couldn't see it. After a little while he would look to the sky with his pained face, tears rolling down his cheeks and silently he will ask you to come - come back to him, come back to our little girl, come back to Drover's. His heart ached every time he looked for you, talked to you and when he realise you would give him no answer he would close his eyes and bend his head to the ground. Place a hand on his chest, his chest that was burning and stinging from the broken heart you left him with. I know he hurt physically as well as mentally and I often wonder if people really do die from heartaches? I feared he would, I feared his body couldn't take the pain much longer.
As I said: I did not know my fear would come to life this day. After an hour he would rise from the ground, breath out heavily and take a final look your way and then he would walk with the same heavy steps back to the horse. He would mount his horse and ride back without taking notice of time and place until he was back at Drover's but not today. Today was different. I know he didn't take the road back to Drover's, he couldn't have, I would have seen. The road he took let him somewhere else, a place very familiar, a place he called home as much as Drover's, maybe even more now that you are gone. Wilgul.
I wasn't there, I'm glad I wasn't - Poor Alex. I would have tried to stop him you know, if I knew just how much he was hurting but none of us thought it would go this far but looking from a distance I'm sure you've seen it coming.
I keep thanking God and you, as I expect you've had a say in this, that Nick came just in time. It felt like being thrown into a brick wall when we got the news, I know we all felt it, especially her. I know why he did it, she don't - I know she knows he misses you but it's nothing more in her book. It's not her fault, she doesn't understand it, she doesn't understand him.
"Oi, get up!" he heard you yell. He was confused, wasn't sure if his mind played tricks on him. "Claire?" he asked feeling light headed and slowly opened his eyes to look around. It was peaceful, no sounds just this feeling of being at ease. He couldn't see you, he couldn't see anything but a white fog. He got to his feet trying to make sense of it all, what was this place? He looked around, trying to see if he could get a glimpse of what the fog was covering and suddenly he felt it. Felt your presence somewhere, slowly getting closer and then the fog began to split like a curtain at a show. At first he wasn't sure but as you walked closer he knew - it was you, it was really you. "Claire?" he asked again, feeling the joy of seeing you in front of him as he had wished for so many times.
"Yeah who else?" You said in the best Claire way only you could. Your face expressed sadness and pain but also a glimpse of relief and joy at the same time. You were mad at him for doing such a thing, he wasn't supposed to be here but something inside of you came at ease as soon as you saw him in front of you. You missed him, you missed everyone - you missed Drover's. But Alex couldn't be here, it wasn't his time.
"It's really you?" You heard him say as he walked closer to you, reaching his hand out to you. The moment your skin touched was the moment both of you have longed for. He had longed to feel you, touch you, see you since the day you left our world and now you were standing in front of him, sending joyous impulses through his entire body. He placed both hands on your arms and started to study you, he went over every detail to make sure you were real. "I thought I had lost you" he said and pulled you in. You felt his tears starting to roll from his eyes to your hair - You felt his love and his pain, you felt it everyday watching him and it ached you to see.
"You will never lose me. I'm always with you" You said and were standing behind him with the blink of an eye. He looked confused at the spot where you had just been standing, in his arms. You smiled as he turned to you.
"How did you do that?" he asked making you laugh, as you saw the confused look on his face.
"Oh, you can do all sorts of things up here" You said and started to drift around in the air. "If you are supposed to be here .." You said with a harsh tone and landed in front of him once again.
"You know .. I'm really mad at you!" You said and crossed your arms, like you always had when things didn't go your way. "How could you do this to her?" you asked and felt your heart ache at the thought of leaving your little girl behind. "You don't think it's bad enough she had to lose her mum but now you wanna put her through another loss?!" You said with tears in your eyes. Your body was at ease in this place but you still had to go through pain everyday, watching her down here with us and miss her - you had to love her from afar.
"Claire .. " He said and felt your words ache him. "I know" You said and put your arms around him once again.
"It's too much for me to go on without you" He said and tears started to fall from his face. His heart mended as he was standing with you. "You are all I ever wanted, I don't want to be there without you" By now your tears started to rush down your cheeks in a heavy stream. All you ever wanted was to be with him, be with her, be with us as you used to - You watched us, everyday. Watched us live our lives without you in it, watched us miss you day in and day out. But even though you had left you were still among us, you were still overseeing everything - You were right all along, you would never leave Drover's. Not even in death. After a while you pulled away, knew you had to make this quick before his window closed for good.
"Alex .. " You stopped, trying to gather yourself. Half of you wanted him to stay and half of you knew he had to go back, go back for Charlotte.
"I miss you .. Everyday. You made my life complete - you gave me everything I could ever ask for and I wish with all my heart, everyday, that I could be there with you, experience Charlotte grow up, live out our dream with the horse training - I wanted all these things with you. I made plans, we made plans and it kills me to see you give up on life because I'm not there with you" You stopped again, feeling tears running down your cheeks.
"We don't have much time so I need you to listen closely to what I'm saying" You continued and placed your hand on his arm, guiding him towards the place the fog had opened itself as a curtain. "Do you believe me when I say that I love you?" Your question made him look confused at you, trying to figure out where you were going with all this. "Do you?" You asked again, impatient to wait for his answer, time was short. "Yeah of course!" he said and kept his stare at you. "Do you believe me when I tell you that I'll never leave you nor will I ever leave Charlotte or Drover's?"
"Yes but" He didn't get to finish before you interrupted him. "Good, that's all you need to know. I promise you that I'll always walk by you but you cannot put your life on hold, it's okay to be happy I won't judge you - I've always wanted what was best for you and I can't be the one to give you that" He placed a hand on your cheek, gently caressed it, making you longing for the long summer nights where you would lie in his arm and feel the warmth from his skin on yours. "Claire.. No one can ever give me what you have given me" he said feeling you say goodbye once again. You looked at him with your bright blue eyes, the way you've always looked at him and smiled before saying your final words. "Your love for me, for Charlotte is what keeps me at ease here - I'm not going anywhere Alex, I'll be here watching, always but if you don't do something your life will pass you by. I can't say how you should live your life I just know that Charlotte needs you" you stopped and looked him deep in the eyes. "She needs you to remember me - I know Tess will talk about me but she can't talk about me the way you can, please Alex. I won't have her losing you as well" tears were rolling down both of your cheeks as you looked into each other's eyes. He knew you were right, he knew he had to be there for Charlotte. "Claire .." he said with gentle strokes on your cheek before taking your hand in his hand, preparing himself for the goodbye he was about to take one more time and it didn't hurt any less. He kissed you, really kissed you and at once your body melted into one for a brief second, the way it had always done and it that moment he knew. Knew that you were his love, his person, his soulmate in the life he was living and in the next - where you would be waiting for him when his time came. In that moment he knew you would always walk with him, guide him in the right direction and it was in that moment he realised living without you in our world would be a little easier knowing you were no more than a thought away.
"I will always love you" He said as you watched him disappear in the fog that tightened itself around the place. You smiled, kept looking the way he disappeared. You already missed him but he was Charlotte's to keep for a bit longer.
"I love you too" You whispered as you disappeared out in the blue.
After that day he lived his life a bit more fully - he was even beginning to smile again.
"I'm not quite sure what happened but I can't thank you enough for guiding him. He talks about you now, everyday all the time and Charlotte is growing up knowing just how perfect her mother was - It's all thanks to Alex. You made a very wise choice with him. He is still fragile but we'll look after him.
The talk about you made Stevie run, I can't blame her I would too but you are Alex's true love and I don't think he'll ever find someone - he keeps saying the only thing that matters is Charlotte. Charlotte and his promise to you. I do hope he'll let someone else in his heart with time I know you do too" I smiled and placed a hand on the stone before getting on my feet again.
"I love you Claire and I'll do my best to keep it all running, just .. cut me some slack will ya'?" I instantly felt a strong wind running through the grass, a wind that hadn't been there before and I knew it was your way of telling me you were still here, right here where you belonged.