Helllo...

I'm Aleirbag Eiram, the girl with ideas, the pride of an imaginary nation, and the person you have nightmares about while I creep around your closet looking for socks.

Scarlett: Hell, you're scary.

Me: I fail to see the importance of that, so I'll just ignore you and continue.

This is another one of my Invader Zim stories, but unlike anything else I have written, this story has an entirely new tone to it that I am just starting to experiment with.

Scarlett: Yay, the world rejoices...

Me: Silence your serpent's tongue, knave!

In case you're wondering, (which you're probably not ) Scarlett, the loudmouth, is the lead character in this new story.

Scarlett: Which means I have some importance, unlike some people...

Me: Hey, who's writing this crap, eh?

Ignoring Scarlett's rudeness, ( she's just jealous of my wonderful-wonderfulness ) I hope you enjoy this story. Just so you know, I usually write Adventure/Romance stories, so this Comedy thing is new ( but not completely foreign ) to me. Cut me some slack.

Also, feel free to visit and review on my other stories. It would be greatly appreciated.

ONWARD!

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the I.Z characters, ( I wish I did... ) but Scarlett, Ace, and any other un-I.Z characters belong to me, much to my great sadness.

Scarlett: Piss off, you great buffoon...

Me: MIND YOUR APPLESAUCE, GOOD SIR!

( Rated T for language... BUT NO F-BOMBS SHALL EXPLODE YOUR DELICATE HUMAN EARS!)

' My name is Scarlett Terrian...'

I paused, my pencil hovering over the piece of paper.

' ... I am writing my last will and testament.' I continued. ' By the time anyone reads this, I will probably be dead.'

A frown wormed its way onto my face. Thoughtfully, I chewed the end of my writing-stick.

' Not that anyone would ever be able to read this. I mean, who the heck is going to find a piece of scrap binder paper in the bottom of a well when there's a body? Not very likely that the paper would even survive a week or two, even if it is very dry down here.'

My frown deepened, and I chewed at the pencil with new-found vigor.

' You know, none of this would have happened if it weren't for Ace Silas.' I wrote, my foul mood reflected in the dark lines smearing the paper. ' He was being a jerk, so I told him to go die in a hole, but I guess fate didn't like that 'cause look who's gonna die in a hole instead!'

I paused again, gnawing uncomfortably at the pencil.

' I guess I'll leave my shoes to my cousin...' I wrote. ' And my cat can get my room, but there's no way in HELL that anyone's going to get their grubby hands on my elvish ring. DON'T TOUCH THE RING, YA HEAR ME? I DEMAND TO BE BURIED WITH IT!'

A growl forced its way up my throat, and my eyes flicked down to the band of silver around my index finger.

' Also...' I continued. ' No one gets to keep my Invader Zim CD collection. That is something I will never give up.'

I began to chew at the pencil faster, worry eating holes in my stomach.

I wonder what it'll be like? I thought. Slowly starving to death is not on my To-do list, but I wonder how it feels?

In any case... I sighed, reaching into my pockets. I can survive for a while on this magical creation!

I removed a TWIX bar from my jacket and stared hungrily at my reflection in the golden foil.

A sudden thought almost made me lose my desire for the scrumptious chocolate.

What if they don't find me for years? What if I'm a skeleton and they can't figure out who I am, and-

I silenced myself by tugging at my hair.

No way they won't be able to figure out who this hair color belongs to...

I pulled harshly at my hair while chewing my pencil at the same time. The long locks atop my scalp were indeed a color that was rarely, if ever, found among regular people. It was almost a Tucson Red, deep and rich.

Velvet Cake color. I thought for the hundredth time since I turned four. And I technically qualify as a ginger, even if my hair isn't bright orange.

At fourteen years of age, such things didn't fascinate me anymore. I clenched my pale fist in a tired fashion as I continued to gnaw at the pencil.

Actually, my hair will probably rot along with my flesh, so there'll be no hair left for people to find... I grumbled inwardly. Curse you, Ace Silas, even if half the girls in my grade think you're the hottest hotty who ever set foot in the high school!

I inwardly shuddered.

I don't. Not me, I would never call you cute, even if I had to say it to save myself...

I had a sudden idea.

' ... and to Ace, the bastard who got me into this mess...' I wrote. ' I leave the rabid raccoon who's made a nest in my attic. May that sucker give you hell every time you open your eyes, Ace!'

I cackled to myself as I folded up the paper and placed it neatly beside my lap.

" Have fun with that!" I grinned. " Man, I'm glad I always have random papers in my pocket, and the pencil was a pretty nice break too, or else I never would have been able to write this down..."

I sighed, laying on my back and staring up at the small bit of sky far above me. The sky was turning red, signaling the end of another horrible day.

I groaned and rolled onto my side.

" It's just you and me." I said, referring to the TWIX bar. " And in a moment..."

I slowly rolled back the foil and began to raise the chocolate to my lips.

" ... it'll just be me-"

" Scarlett!"

Startled, the bar dropped from my fingers, falling into the dust.

" Shit!" I cried, scrabbling to pick it up. With a snarl, I peered upwards. A face was looking down at me from the rim of the well.

" YOU!" I spat, disgust on my features.

" Uh, yeah." the boy who was Ace said, raising an eyebrow. " What are you doing down there?"

" Me?" I asked in a mocking tone, getting to my feet. " What am I doing down here, you ask?"

" That's what I said."

" How DARE you?!" I snapped. " This is your fault!"

" My-? Scarlett, are you okay?"

I glared up at Ace. Yes, he did have the face that would turn heads on the street; bright blue eyes, long blond hair, a dimpled chin.

But at the moment, I was so filled with loathing that I could not focus on anything but the pale scar that ran over his eye and recoiled from it.

" Okay?" I sniffed, lifting my chin. " Hell no, I've been in here for days!"

Ace gave me a look of mixed concern and amusement.

" Scarlett, you've been in there for an hour. Seriously, don't scare me like that."

I laughed.

Bastard...

" Yeah, okay, whatever..." I said nastily. " That still doesn't change the fact that I'm stuck."

Or that I hate you with every fiber of my being, you slime-ball...

" Scarlett..." Ace asked, his tone soothing. " Would you like to go home now?"

" No!" I snapped. " Leave me alone, you freak!"

Ace sighed.

" Look..." he began. " I know you don't like me. It hurts, because I care about you."

I snorted and turned away from him.

" No, I really do!" Ace insisted. " Look, I know why you're so sad all the time."

I tossed back my hair, and continued to ignore him.

" Scarlett..." Ace pleaded. " You're not the only one who lost a parent."

I closed my eyes, but tears rolled down my cheeks unchecked.

" You have no right to talk to me about that!" I hissed weakly.

" I don't." Ace agreed. " But you've got to start listening to me, okay? You keep climbing down into this old well in the woods after school, and you forget yourself and submit to your dreams and fantasies."

" Maybe that's how I like it!" I countered. " It keeps me close to him!"

" Scarlett..." Ace said gently. I turned around to see him extending his hand down to me, a sad smile on his face.

" Let me try to be your friend. I always have to coax your out of there, and I hate seeing you hurt like this. Please."

He tilted his head in the way that made girls scream and turn red.

" - I'm supposed to be there to protect you. I'm your brother."

I bared me teeth at him.

" Step-brother, you dolt!"

Ace groaned.

" Can you at least pretend to like me?" he asked.

I frowned.

" No!" I said, and I placed my hands on the rough wall and began to haul myself out.

" Not stuck after all?" Ace teased.

" Shut it." I snapped.

I pushed aside Ace's helping hand when I reached the rim of the well.

" I'm not doing this for you." I growled. " I'm doing it for my mother. She's under enough strain as it is."

Ace looked off into the horizon.

" At least you have a mother..." I heard him mumble, supposedly too soft for me to hear.

I turned on him angrily.

" At least you have a father!" I cried. " Do you know how hard it is for my mom to care for me and get work at the same time?!"

Ace, for the first time, faced me with a frightening snarl.

" Oh, so the fact that my father is helping her out means nothing to you?" he spat. " My god, they're married!"

" That doesn't matter!" I shrieked. My tears were starting again. " He can't replace my daddy! Never, not in a million years!"

Ace grabbed me by the arms and shook me.

" I'm hurting just as much as you!" he yelled. " Stop being so selfish for once!"

I broke down and cried. No longer caring about self-pride, I threw my arms around Ace's neck and sobbed into his chest.

I could tell he was surprised by my actions, based on how he tense when I did this, but he quickly recovered and seized me into an embrace.

" Shit, I'm sorry." he stammered. " I-I didn't mean to-"

" Shut up." I sniffed. " Just take me home."

" Right." he said, releasing me. Pale and shaking slightly, he reached into his pocket and withdrew a string of shimmering keys.

" I'll drive." he said. I gave him a sideways look.

" I'm fourteen." I snorted. " You're seventeen. Who do you think is going to be doing the driving, you moron?"

My heart wasn't in the insult, but it felt like a good way to break the horrible sadness engulfing us both.

Ace just laughed.

" You're right, I'm a moron." he grinned. He swung the keys on his fingers.

" Hey, how 'bout we stop for ice cream on the way back?" he asked as we began to walk back through the woods.

I was going to say no. I truly wanted to.

He's a bastard, even if he can be sweet sometimes.

However, my heart got the better of me. I couldn't hurt Ace too many times in one day. I didn't want to turn into a bastard as well.

" ... Okay." I sighed. " But we have to be home before ten."

Ace grinned.

" I still hate you, Ace Silas." I growled. " But the thought of chocolate has foiled me again."

Ace smiled again.

" And vanilla..." he said as we arrived at the black jeep parked next to a very large oak tree. " ... is singing it's sweet siren song once more."

I gave him a sideways look again.

" You're weird."

" I don't crawl down wells and write my will." Ace retorted, opening the door for me and giving me an impish wink.

I stuck my tongue out.

You're still a bastard. I decided. But I guess that's why I can call you my brother.

Exactly three hours later, Ace pulled up to large white house in the suburbs.

" Home sweet home." he sighed.

" Damn it, it's 12:00!" I hissed. " I told you-"

" I heard what you said." Ace interrupted. He stopped the car and looked over at me.

" However..." he continued. " Unknowest to you, the adults have gone out to dinner for the night, and have told me that we can do and go where we please, as long as it's safe and that I'm with you at all times."

I stared at him.

" You're seventeen." I said. " Only three years older then me."

" Ah, but you don't see the point, little sister..." he grinned, waving a finger at me.

I frowned disapprovingly, but I decided to let it slip since we had had a great time at the ice cream parlor.

" What's the point then?"

" I can drive."

I huffed, but Ace was already out of the car.

" Come on." he said. " If we empty the dishwasher, we can watch a movie."

" Wonderful." I sighed. Unclipping my seat-belt, I opened the door and slid onto the sidewalk. The cold air bit at my skin like angry insects.

" I'm tired..." I complained. " I'll just-"

Ace locked the car and shrugged at me.

" Suit yourself." he sighed. " But we can have a lot of fun."

I brushed past him and marched to the door.

" Just open this damn thing..." I growled.

" Jesus..." Ace groaned, unlocking the door. With a mumbled 'Thank you,' I ran up the stairs to my room.

" Scarlett!" Ace called. " Get changed and meet me in the sitting room!"

" Okay, what the hell!" I shouted back, just to annoy him. With a sigh, I changed into a nightgown and sat on the edge of my bed.

Ugh... Whatever...

With a groan, I walked slowly down the stairs.

Ace was sitting on the couch, staring at the T.V with a blank expression. He looked so comical, I had to snort.

" That's attractive..."

Ace glanced at me.

" Whatever." he grunted. " So, what do you want to watch?"

I slid into the seat next to him.

" Something not lame."

" Ooookay, that narrows it down..."

Ace went to a box stored in the corner and began to flip through the movies.

" How about Harry Potter?"

" Seen it."

" Twilight?"

" ... Seriously?"

" What? Isn't that what girls- Never mind. Okay... The Hills Have Eyes?"

" Oh my god, did you really just-"

" You're right, bad idea..."

Ace sighed and sat back on his heels.

" How about I stop looking and asking..." he said. " And you tell me what you want to watch."

I shifted in my seat.

" I don't-"

" I'm really open tonight..." Ace said. " So, we can watch whatever you want."

I stared at him.

" Whatever I want?"

" Yes."

An idea occurred to me.

" Anything?"

Ace tilted his head.

" Do you have an idea?"

" Stay here." I demanded. Hopping off the couch, I raced up to my room and tore through a box in my closet.

Where the hell is it?

Finally, I found what I was looking for. With a triumphant grin, I raced back downstairs and press the object into Ace's hand. He turned the object around in his hands questioningly.

" Invader Zim." he read. " The Complete C.D Collection."

He glanced over at me.

" What's this?" he asked.

" You've never seen Invader Zim?" I asked, astounded.

" No." he admitted, opening the box. " But if this is what you choose, I will become educated."

As he set up the disc, I picked up the cover and observed the illustration on the front.

It was relatively simple: Zim, the lead character, stood in the very center, and Irken flag in his right hand and his left on his hip, a huge grin on his face. Dib, his enemy, stood on his right side, with Gaz on his left. Next to Gaz was Dib's father, Professor Membrane. Next to Dib were the two Tallest, eating a bag of donuts. In the back, Skoodge and Tak peered out from the shadows, and Gir, Zim lovable, but highly annoying robot, created a meteor-like streak as he flew across the sky.

The background consisted only of a cartoon earth half wreathed in darkness. There were no other characters shown: Not even more reoccurring ones, like Bloaty the Pig or Ms. Bitters.

I giggled.

" You're going to like it, or else I'm going to give up on ever liking you."

" Thanks..." Ace grunted, sliding in the disc.

" Since they're episodes, can we watch more than one?"

" Maybe two or three, but no more."

" Please?"

" We'll see."

He sounded so grown up, so much like he was my father, I wanted to scream.

But, in a way, it was comforting as well.

" Alright..." Ace said, returning to the couch. " Let's start this, because it's already late."

" Who spent so much time ordering ice cream?" I teased, poking his nose. Ace rolled his eyes.

I don't know what had gotten into me. I usually stayed three feet away from my step-brother at all times.

But tonight, I instead curled up next to him, and all of my sorrows and worries were washed away the minute that I saw the familiar letters appear on the television screen.

" Yay!" I cheered.

" So..." Ace said after a while. " This guy's an alien?"

I gave him the: 'No-SHIT-Einstein' look.

" He wants to take over earth?"

" Yes."

" Ah."

Ace did like Gir. I guess that he found the little robot's constant outbursts cute.

" This is a pretty cool show." Ace admitted.

" Of course." I sniffed.

Before long, we had finished all three seasons. Ace checked the clock and swore loudly.

" Damn, it's WAY past our bedtimes!"

He turned to the kitchen and swore again.

" I forgot about the dishwasher!"

" I'll do it." I offered. As I hopped off the couch, Ace spun me around and ushered me towards the stairs.

" No no no!" he said quickly. " Mom and dad'll be home any second! If they see you up, they'll skin us alive. I'll think of some excuse for myself."

I paused at the bottom step.

" You're gonna keep a secret?" I asked.

Ace just winked.

" Hey, I'm good at that."

He indicated towards the top of the stairs.

" Go, brush your teeth and sleep this day off."

I hesitated for another moment.

" Thank's Ace." I finally said.

" Hey, that's what siblings do!"

I frowned and walked up the stairs.

" Are you sure it's okay?" I called down.

" YES!"

" Jeez!"

Going into the bathroom, I splashed my face a few times for good measure.

Damn, I left the C.D downstairs! I thought. After a moment, I just sighed and shrugged.

" I"ll get it in the morning..." I said to myself. I splashed my face again.

" Ugh, I feel sick from all that ice cream..." I groaned. Patting my skin dry, I proceeded to brush my teeth, loosen my hair, and slip on a large puddle of water on the floor.

" Shit!" I shouted.

" HEY!" Ace called.

With a grumble, I picked myself up and stormed out of the bathroom, slamming my fist against the light as I did so.

Sparks of pain shot through my wrist, and I had to run to my room and bury my face in a pillow before I could scream.

Ow.

Once the pain had passed, I crawled under the covers and sighed.

" I'm such a klutz." I groaned. " If anything, most of the pains in my life are self-inflicted, and I would be a happier person if I just sat in a rubber room for the rest of my life.

Now where's the joy in that? my subconscious thought rebelliously.

I frowned and rolled onto my side, submitting to the calls of the sleep world.

Bad dreams haunted me. Fires licked at wooden walls, people began to scream.

Me, four years old and pudgy, curled in the corner of a closet, hugging a stuffed rabbit to my chest.

" Daddy!" I screamed. " Daddy, where are you?"

The red flames roared and devoured. I whimpered and shrank away from the heat.

" DADDY!" I shrieked.

" Scarlett?"

With a gasp, I awoke. The shadows on my wall played games with my mind, making me see things that weren't actually there.

" Scarlett?"

With the utmost grace, I jumped at the sound of the voice and fell on my floor in a tangle of blankets.

Every foul word known to man and some unknown ones as well sprang from my lips.

" Scarlett!"

I turned to my bedroom door with a horrible frown.

" What do you want?" I hissed.

Ace stood in the frame, the light from the hall behind him casting his face in darkness. He was shirtless and had on loose pajama bottoms that made him looked like he was 'sagging.'

I curled up my nose.

" Charming."

" I could say the same to you." he retorted, sitting on the edge of my bed.

With a growl, I untangled myself from the sheets.

" What the hell do you want?" I huffed.

Ace pressed a finger to my lips.

" Language." he warned.

" Shit." I replied.

Ace sighed and leaned back.

" Are you okay? You were screaming in your sleep."

I blinked.

" Was I? Oh, whatever. Nothing new."

" I know."

Ace eyed me.

" Are you thinking about the fire? You know, the one that you said killed your dad when you were four?"

I stared at my feet.

" Scarlett?"

" Why are you here?" I asked cooly.

Ace did something surprising. He wrapped an arm around me and pulled me in closer to his chest.

" Scarlett..."

I sniffed and wiped away rebellious tears.

" Scarlett, it's okay to miss him you know. I miss my mom."

" Was your mom killed in a fire?" I asked bitterly.

" No..." Ace said softly. " She got really sick, and she... just didn't make it..."

I buried my face into Ace's chest.

" It's all my fault he died!" I moaned. " All my fault..."

" No..." Ace soothed. " No, nothing is ever our fault. Things happen."

I wanted to tell him the truth. But the truth was so painful, I felt like my heart would break if I even mentioned it.

" ... Ace?" I whispered.

" Mm?"

" You're a moron."

Ace chuckled.

" You're a moron..." I continued. " But you're also... my brother."

Ace gave me a look of such joy, I couldn't help but smile.

" Scarlett..." Ace grinned. " You don't know how much-"

There came a loud thump from above, followed by a high-pitched shriek.

" Shit!" Ace swore, springing to his feet. " It's that goddamned raccoon!"

Ace went to the door and paused.

" Ah... try to get some sleep, okay?" he said. " The parents'll be back soon so... just... good-night."

He disappeared.

As I curled up under the covers again, I though about a line I had written in my 'Will' this morning.

' ... and to Ace, the bastard who got me into this mess, I leave the rabid raccoon who's made a nest in my attic. May that sucker give you hell every time you open your eyes, Ace!'

A smiled wormed its way onto my face.

Revenge on you, you bastard...