Dedicated to Nana.
"I… I just love you so much." She had a hard time getting the words out.
It was that feeling. The feeling where suddenly your chest feels heavy, and your throat begins to burn although you've barely uttered a word.
It's the feeling where you feel like you'll burst into tears as soon as the "I" that comes before "love you" comes out of your mouth.
It was devastating.
Cameron could be tortured without feeling so much pain.
She looked down her hand that was gently holding her grandma's, trying to gather her thoughts. It was one of the most emotional moments of her life.
She was talking to someone who couldn't respond to anything she said. Her grandma couldn't open her eyes. She was stuck lying there in an almost fetal position, because she couldn't move, although her brow would furrow every now and then. Cammie heard her grandma's unsteady and congested breathing.
"How did things end up like this?" Cammie thought.
The phone rang. Cammie ignored it and continued reading her book, it was probably for her mother anyways—she was right.
Cammie looked up from her book to see her mother grabbing her car keys and hastily putting on a coat. "Grandma's not doing well. I need to go the hospital now."
"What?" Cammie cried. She began to put on her shoes and a jacket (that she had gotten from a certain someone on a chilly autumn night). "Wait, I'm coming too."
"No, you can visit her later."
-A Few Days Later-
Cammie walked into her grandma's room in ICU.
"Hi Grandma," she said nervously. Her grandmother was sitting up with her eyes squeezed shut and looked exhausted. "How are you?"
"Not… so good," her grandma's now-quiet voice answered. The words were mumbled and strained. It took all of Cammie's control not to cry.
"She'll never be the same… She'll never be the way she used to be," Rachel had told Cammie.
"I know."
-A Week Later-
Her grandmother was moved out of ICU. "Hi Grandma."
"Hi sweetie." This time the voice was stronger, and her grandma was able to open her eyes and look at the granddaughter whom she loved with all her heart. She smiled weakly.
-A Month Later-
Over the course of the following month, Cammie's grandmother had been moved from a normal hospital room to skilled nursing and then, finally, she got to go home.
It was Christmas day.
Somehow, seeing her grandmother in her own home was much more comforting. It felt much more… right. Even if her grandma was still in a hospital bed. A nurse would come twice every day.
Abby was there, sitting in a chair beside her mother's bed. "Hey Squirt." The tone wasn't as playful as it had been in the past.
"Hi Aunt Abby." Cammie wasn't a girl of many words at the time. She walked over to her grandma's side.
She looked better than Cammie had seen her in weeks. When Cammie talked to her, her grandmother would smile, even laughing at times. For the first time in a while, everyone felt more relieved. Maybe her grandmother would make it through this after all.
It was now three days after Christmas. Her grandmother's condition sharply declined.
"We don't think she'll make it. She may not be with us tomorrow," Rachel told Cammie over the phone. "You need to come visit later. Say goodbye."
Fast forward a few hours and Cammie was there, in her grandmother's room, asking for Abby and Rachel to leave while she said goodbye.
Cammie felt that she wouldn't be able to say everything she wanted to say if they had stayed. To expose herself, so emotionally, in that way was hard enough to do on her own. She was a spy. And spies are taught that such strong emotions are never meant to be shown.
"I… I just love you so much." There was a long pause.
She held her unresponsive grandmother's hand while fidgeting with the ring that was passed down to her by Rachel from her mother.
Cammie began to sob, momentarily, before she was able to calm herself down. She knew that if her grandmother could indeed hear her, it would be upsetting. "I'm just so thankful that I had you. I look back, at all those summers I spent on the farm with you and Grandpa, and I smile. I look back, and I see how much fun I had, and how much I enjoyed being there with you. I…"
Cammie was unable to speak, once again.
"I just love you so much! I'm going to miss you so much."
Cammie wasn't even sure if her grandma really would be gone the next day. How could her aunt and mother be sure?
"But I know that you'll be going to a better place, and you won't have to suffer anymore. It would be selfish for me to want you to stay longer…" But Cam did want her to stay longer. She hated herself for having those thoughts. "But I don't want to let go of your hand, ever. I feel like if I let go it's over. I know I have to… but… It's just so hard!"
"I… I just wanted to say goodbye. So… Goodbye Grandma."
Cammie walked out the door and away from her grandma for the last time, wiping her tears away.
Her grandma passed away five hours later.
A/N: I don't think this is my best piece of writing.
But I feel it's something I had to write. I just had to.
Yes, it was painful. And yes, I pretty much cried while writing the whole thing.
I'm sad that I wasn't able to convey all the feelings that I felt in this. But I think the ones I was (hopefully) able to get across were enough. I hope that you guys won't have to experience anything like this anytime soon (hopefully never).
I want to thank you for reading this, even though it's not even an interesting story. (Knowing me, this story was a complete fail. It's depressing, really.)
"Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened." – Dr. Seuss