A/N – Alright guys, this story is angsty af. It's rated M for a reason, those reasons being that there will be self-harm, depression, thoughts of suicide, and later some sexual situations. If you don't like any of that stuff, don't go any further. I hope you guys enjoy it, this is one of my darker stories. I probably won't update it as frequently as my other stories, but the chapters will probably be a little longer. I hope you guys like this story, I'm really excited to write it.

Disclaimer – I don't own That 70's Show or any of it's characters.

1982

Jackie looked at herself in the mirror, her once tan skin as pale as can be now. She hated herself. She used to think she was pretty, but then after high school, she realized that was all she was. Just a pretty face. No one actually liked her for her personality, not that her personality back then was something to die for. Everyone liked her because she was good looking, but even she thought she didn't have that anymore.

Her life was hell right now. Her mom finally came home and now she's living here in Point Place again. Her dad was still in prison and he wouldn't get out for another seven or eight years unless he got lucky, which he probably wouldn't. She called her dad sometimes, and he was always really nice. He listened to what she had to say, even if she was the only one who got to speak. God, she misses him. He at least tried. He loved her, he tried being a good parent. He got her everything she ever wanted. Her mother on the other hand.

Her mom only cared about money, and once Jackie's dad got arrested, her mother was nowhere to be found. She wasn't staying for her father, she wasn't staying for Jackie, she was staying because of the money.

Jackie moved out. She couldn't handle living with her mother. She moved in with Steven. He helped her. He gave her a job at his record store, he gave her a place to sleep, and he gave her warm food to eat. He was so nice, even if he didn't want to admit it.

Jackie was still depressed though. All her friends were gone, it was just her and Steven. Fez was a hairdresser in Milwaukie, Donna was in school, Michael was trying to provide for his family, and Eric was… Well, she just knows he moved to Kenosha, and that was that. Red and Kitty don't really know much about what he does right now, he only calls them every once and a while.

But no matter what it is Eric's doing, Jackie was still alone. At least she felt that way. She didn't have a lot of money, which she wasn't used to. She didn't feel pretty anymore, which she wasn't used to. And she didn't have a lover, which she wasn't used to.

So Jackie stood there, in front of the mirror, her hazel eyes looking sullen. Steven's been sort of worried about her lately. She barely ate, she hardly slept, she never smiled. He was convinced she was clinically depressed, but trying to get her help was hard, especially when she didn't even want to help herself.

Jackie held a razor in her hand. She's never used it like this before. It was obviously meant for shaving, but Jackie thought she should try this out. This is what all the sad kids do, they say it helps. Maybe it would help her.

She slowly brought the razor to her frail wrist, her shaking pale hand signaling that she was nervous. She was actually going to do this? No! Think this through, Jackie. Do you really want to do this? I mean, they said it would make you feel better, that's what you've heard. But all those kids still seem depressed. Maybe they just did it for attention? She was sure some did, but the ones that wore sweaters in the summer. No, they weren't doing it for attention, they were doing it because they were sick and they needed help. Maybe she needed help?

Jackie shook her head, tears burning her once lively eyes. She slowly slid the razor across her wrist, letting out a small noise of pain as her skin began to sting. She bit her lip to hold back the pained cries. She didn't want Steven bursting through that door. She dropped her hand holding the razor to her side and watched the red substance fell from her arm and dripped onto the white tiled bathroom floor.

There was more blood than she thought. Had she done this right? Now she was starting to panic. She dropped the razor and went to hold her bleeding arm, but the flow wouldn't stop. She let a sob escape her throat as she began to feel dizzy. She couldn't keep her balance, so she fell back against the wall, creating a loud thud, and then she slid down to the floor, tightly gripping her arm that was gushing with blood.

She heard footsteps coming down the short hall of her and Steven's small apartment and then there was a knock on the door, "Jackie? Are you okay? I heard something? Did you fall?"

"Steven…" Jackie tried, but her voice seemed to be muted, she couldn't get a noise to escape her lips, besides of sob, so she cried loudly and then she saw the door swing open, revealing a very worried Steven Hyde.

"Jesus Christ, Jackie! What'd you do?!" Steven cried, falling to his knees and grabbing ahold of her bleeding wrist. He started looking around for a towel, and then he spotted the blood covered razor on the floor, and he picked it up and held in front of Jackie's face, "Why did you do this?!"

"I'm sorry…" Jackie whimpered quietly, feeling more and more lightheaded as time passed on.

Steven groaned irritably and tossed the razor up onto the counter and then he grabbed the hand towel and wrapped it tightly around Jackie's arm, just above her bleeding wound, hoping to stop the flow of blood.

"Keep your hand here, I'm calling 911," Steven rushed before he stood and rushed out of the bathroom and went to grab the phone.

Jackie looked down at her bleeding arm and suddenly felt very tired. The tears were still rolling, but she could feel her eyes begin to slide shut. This wasn't how she wanted to go, not at all. She just did this because she heard it was supposed to help. It didn't help! Not at all! She was going to die. God, help her!

Jackie closed her eyes and the darkness surrounded her.

0-0-0-0-0

BEEP… BEEP… BEEP…

That was the noise that Jackie woke up to. She opened her tired eyes, but she seemed to have a hard time keeping them open. She turned her head a little and groaned as the dryness in her throat. She smacked her lips and tried to focus her eyes as her ears were suddenly flooded with the muffled voices of a couple of people.

Where was she? Jackie looked towards the door, at least that's what it looked like, she couldn't tell, everything seemed blurry. She squeezed her eyes shut tight and when she opened them they were a little more focused. She could make out two people now right outside the door, but the door to what? Where the hell was she?

She could now hear the peoples voices more clearly now, but they seemed to be speaking quietly, so it was still hard for her to hear. One of the voices was female, and the other male. She saw the man looked like he was wearing a white coat of sorts and he had a clipboard under his arms and hugged to his chest as he solemnly looked at the woman and listened to her, nodding right along to her words.

She seemed frantic, Jackie couldn't see her, she was out of view. She recognized the voice though, it was her mother. Jackie frowned and turned her head and tried to look down at herself. She was wearing a pale blue gown and she was covered in two thin blankets. She also had an IV in her arm and there was a thick bandage around her wrist.

She was in the hospital.

She turned back towards the door and opened her mouth to speak, but her throat was so try nothing came out. She coughed quietly to clear her throat, and apparently the doctor heard her, because he turned his head and saw her looking right back at him. He smiled sadly at her and turned back to Jackie's mother before they both entered the room, her mother rushing past the doctor, a look of worry on her face.

"Jackie, sweetheart, are you okay?" She asked, grabbing Jackie's hand and squeezing it tightly, pushing some brown hair behind her daughter's ear.

Jackie tried to speak again, but her throat wouldn't allow it.

"There's some water by her bedside there, Ms. Burkhart," The doctor said politely, pointing the lukewarm water on the side table next to Jackie's bed.

Pam grabbed the water and gently handed it to her daughter, who shakily took it and took a sip from the glass. She felt much better after the water trickled down her throat, the soreness in her throat a little better now. She handed the water back to her mother after she was done, and Pam set it back down on the bedside table.

"Jackie, what happened? How did you cut yourself? Did you drop it? Did you slip?" Pam asked question after question, obviously very worried for her daughter. Jackie had to admit, she was actually surprised.

"I-I..." Jackie didn't know what to say. She wanted to lie. She wanted to tell her it was an accident, that her hand slipped and that was it, but she couldn't.

"Ms. Burkhart, I don't think it was an accident," The doctor said, a little sadly.

Pam looked up at the doctor in alarm and curiosity, "What?"

"You don't get a cut in your wrist that deep by accident," The doctor explained, "Especially when what she cut it with was a razor blade."

"How do you know it was a razor blade?" Pam asked, her brow furrowed in curious confusion, but also a bit of anger. Was her mother angry with her?

"Her friend that called 911, he told them he found it on the floor next to her covered in blood," The doctor informed her, then he looked at Jackie, "Ms. Burkhart, do you mind if I ask you a few questions?"

Jackie just shrugged, but she didn't say anything. The doctor looked down at his clipboard and cleared his throat, then he looked back up at Jackie and Pam Burkhart. Pam looked confused, concerned, and angry. Jackie looked tired, sad, and overall, scared.

The doctor frowned at her before he asked, "Do you have a past with self-abuse?"

Jackie widened her eyes a little and she could feel her mother's eyes on her. She swallowed nervously and then shook her head, "N-no. I've never done this before… Until now…"

"Are you depressed?" The doctor asked, even though he already knew the answer. The girl was incredibly weak, and not just because she lost a lot of blood. She was too thin, meaning she's been starving herself, she was sleep deprived, and you could just tell there was something wrong just by looking into her eyes.

Jackie then avoided his eyes, not wanting to answer that question. Their eyes were burning into her, it made her uncomfortable and it made her feel cramped. She shifted in bed a little, wanting to get the hell out of here desperately.

"Ms. Burkhart?" The doctor called her name quietly.

Jackie looked up at the doctor briefly, still staying silent. She looked down at her arm with the bandage around it, the IV needle slightly further up her arm.

"Jackie, answer the man," Her mother suddenly snapped impatiently, causing Jackie to flinch.

Jackie looked up into her mother's eyes for a moment. They held so many emotions, only a few of which Jackie could identify. Jackie then pushed her nervous gaze over to her doctor and then avoided his gaze again, looking down at her hands as her fingers tapped against one another.

"Yes," Was all Jackie said. She didn't want to give details, she just told him the blunt answer. She was too tired to go into specifics right now.

"How long have you been depressed?" The doctor asked, writing something down on his clipboard.

Jackie shrugged, still avoiding his pale blue eyes, "I don't know… About a year, I guess…"

The doctor nodded and wrote that down as Pam sucked in a sharp breath that garnered her daughter's attention. Pam met eyes with her daughter and said, "Sweetheart, why didn't you say something? I could have helped you."

Jackie wanted to tell her off. She wanted to tell her that her mother couldn't help her. She wanted to tell her that she was part of the reason she was the way she was. She wanted to yell at her. But no. She was better than that. She just stayed quiet.

"Do you have any thoughts of suicide?" The doctor then asked, making both women turn their attention towards him.

"Uh-um…" Jackie didn't know what to say. She didn't, but she did. Did that make sense? Earlier she was terrified, she thought that was it for her. She was honestly surprised that she woke up. But on the other hand, there was a tiny part of her that kind of didn't want to wake up, "I don't… Really know…"

The doctor nodded, as if he knew what she meant. Did he get that often? Jackie felt embarrassed. She was so pathetic. How did she end up like this? Why had she let herself end up like this?

The doctor went on to ask her some other question to which she answered all honestly. She wanted to sleep, she was so tired. The doctor finally stopped asking questions and he set his clipboard down and came over to her bedside.

"I'm just going to check your vitals now, okay?" The doctor said, picking up her hand and examining the tight bandage around her wrist, making Jackie tense a little at the contact.

After he was done checking her bandage, making sure it was still snuck, but not constricting blood flow, he gently set her hand down. He then took the stethoscope from around his neck and put the ear pieces in before he put the small metal piece up to her chest listened to her heartbeat. It was quiet for the next couple of minutes, the only noise was him asking her to breathe in and out.

After that was done, he put the stethoscope back around his neck and looked back at his chart briefly before he finally rested his eyes on Jackie, "We're going to have you talk to a phycologist and they'll talk to you about the way you're feeling and try to find a correct diagnosis. Once that's done we'll figure out where to go from there, okay?"

"Don't we already know what's wrong with her?" Pam asked as the doctor stood.

The doctor peered down at the two and offered a sad smile, "You want the truth?"

Pam asked, eager for an answer, "Yes. Yes, I do. What is it? What do you think is wrong with her?"

"Well, from what I've conducted in the past few hours talking with her and with her friend I'm pretty positive she's depressed," The doctor went on, "She says this was the first time she's harmed herself, and I can believe that. She has no signs of her doing this in the past. She's malnourished and sleep deprived, obviously… I think we caught this at the right time, it was starting to go further downhill, I think."

"Well… What do we do now?" Pam asked, and Jackie just watched them talk.

"Well, my guess is that they'll put on medication and possibly send her to mental hospital for short term stay, depending on the severity," The doctor said, and that made Jackie tense up.

"Mental hospital? I am not going to a mental hospital," Jackie said. There was no way that was happening.

"Relax, that's only a possibility," The doctor said, looking down at his charts, "You'll stay here in the hospital for a couple of days, we'll get you back up to health, then you'll talk to one of our psychologists. They'll evaluate you and we'll go from there."

"I'm not going to a mental hospital," Jackie repeated, gazing sternly at the doctor.

"Relax," The doctor said again, "Like I said, it might not happen. You've got a week before we even know. Just try and get some rest, okay? You deserve it."

Jackie gazed tiredly up at the doctor. He was right. She was so tired, she could barely keep her eyes open. She watched as the doctor looked down at Pam, and Jackie saw his lips move, but she didn't hear anything he said. The only thing in her head right now was what could possibly happen to her. She had this horrible feeling she'd end up in a mental hospital with a bunch of other depressed people. She didn't want to be a loony, she was Jackie Burkhart. She was perfect. She wasn't crazy, no, she was just a little out of it, she tried to convince herself.

The doctor's voice got more and more muffled as Jackie's eyes began to slide shut, and it only took her a minute to fall into a deep, well deserved sleep.

0-0-0-0-0

"I can't believe I have to come here," Jackie said as she sat in the passenger side of Steven's car.

Her mother wanted to drive her here, but Jackie told her she didn't her to see her like this. It was a lie, but she didn't want her mother coming with her, that was that. So she said goodbye to her back at the apartment and had Steven drive her.

"It's for the best, Jackie," Steven told her, stopping at a traffic light.

"It was just an accident, Steven," Jackie tried, giving her ex-boyfriend a pleading look, "I won't do it again. I was just… Trying something."

"What? Trying to kill yourself?" Steven asked, a little harshly.

"No! I wasn't trying to kill myself, I was… They said it was supposed to help…" Jackie said, avoiding his eyes as she looked down at the dashboard.

"How was that supposed to help?" Steven asked, his gaze hard as he sort of just glared out the windshield, "Jackie. You could've died. Do you know how that could've effected people? Some many people care about you, you would've hurt so many…"

"I know…" Jackie said, looking down at her hands, "I guess I just feel… Alone…"

"Why? You have so many good friends," Steven told her, but she retaliated quickly.

"Not anymore!" Jackie cried, making Steven flinch a little at the pitch of her voice, "Everybody's gone and moved away. I rarely go to see my dad, my mom doesn't care, all my friends are gone, I don't even know where Red and Kitty are… Everything's a mess…"

"I'm still here," Steven tried offering his support, his features softening a little.

"I know, and I'm glad, but… You're all I have," Jackie said sadly, looking down at her hands in her lap now, "I'm just… Depressed."

"I know," Steven said, nodding curtly, "And that's why I'm bringing you here. I really care about you and I want you to get better. I've known there's been something wrong for a while now, I just never thought it was this bad."

"You're really that concerned with me?" Jackie asked. Steven was never the most emotional, loving person in the world.

"Of course I am!" Steven cried, his bright eyes widening as he gripped the steering wheel tightly, "I may not seem like the most caring guy in the world, but I do want you to be happy, Jackie. I don't ever want to walk in on you on the floor, in a pool of your blood again. Because next time… Next time things might not go over as smoothly."

Jackie flinched at his words and kept her gaze focused on her fidgeting fingers. She didn't know what to say. She didn't realize he cared so much. He was probably the only one. Jackie sighed and stayed silent as Steven continued to drive to Milwaukee.

She was dreading this. She really did not want to go here. She was Jackie Burkhart. She used to be a cheerleader, she used to be popular. She used to be beautiful. Now here she was, going to the loony bin where all the other depressed kids went.

She leaned against the window, resting her cheek in her palm as she watched everything they passed. Milwaukee was a pretty place, she wishes she could have come here in different conditions.

Point Place didn't have a mental hospital, not a good one anyway. They had a small area for mental patients at the hospital, but it wasn't the best place for treatment. The psychologist she saw referred her to this place in Milwaukee, she said it was much better treatment wise and the doctors there actually seemed to know what the hell they were doing.

But just because this place was said to be better, didn't mean Jackie had to like it more. She wanted to go home and just curl up in bed, under her sheets and sleep. That's all she wanted to do. Now she had to come here and be forced to do things at certain times. She was pretty sure they weren't going to let her lie in bed all day.

Jackie was so wrapped up in her thoughts she didn't even notice Steven had parked in a parking lot. She wasn't snapped out of it until Steven shook her shoulder gently, "Jackie?"

Jackie flinched and looked over to Steven and then she furrowed her brow and looked around curiously. She saw the building they were parked in front of and then she looked back to Steven, "We're here all ready?"

Steven nodded and looked up at the hospital, "Yep… You ready?"

Jackie looked into his eyes for only a brief moment before she looked back out the window and up at the hospital. It didn't look like a mental hospital. It had color to it. The building was beige color and there was teal trim work around some areas, like the windows and the doors. It didn't look so bad so far.

Jackie sighed and looked back to Steven, but averted his eyes quickly, "Yeah, I'm ready."

0-0-0-0-0

"I'm going to need any loose items you have you, bracelets, necklaces, earrings…" The woman behind the counter said as she handed Jackie a small container to put these items in.

Jackie raised an eyebrow, "I can't have jewelry?"

The woman shook her head, "Sorry, sweetheart."

Jackie frowned, but she took off all her jewelry and put the items in the container. The woman then looked back up at her and said, "The drawstring in your hoody. Take that out, please."

Jackie sighed and began to take out the drawstring. She knew why this had to come out. She put it in the box and frowned, not wanting to be here in the slightest.

"Shoe laces," The woman said, looking down at Jackie's sneakers that she just threw on this morning. She wasn't really a sneakers type of girl, but she didn't really care anymore.

"Shoe laces?" Jackie asked, furrowing an eyebrow. They were way to thin and way to be doing anything with.

"We can't take any chances," The woman said with a small nod.

Jackie sighed again and bent over, taking her shoe laces out of her shoes quickly and tossing them into the container finally. The woman looked down at the contents in the small plastic box and nodded, "Anything else?"

Jackie felt in her pockets that we empty and shook her head, "No."

"Alright," The woman said, "When we get upstairs they'll do a pat down and then we'll get you to your room, you'll have a tour, and then you'll probably go have lunch. If you'd like, you can go say goodbye to your friend now."

Jackie nodded and turned away from the woman, turning instead to her old friend Steven. She forced a smile, as did he as she approached him.

"I'm sorry all this happened," Jackie said sadly, her forced smile still present.

"Don't be sorry," Steven shook his head, "Just be glad you're getting the help you need and deserve."

Jackie smiled a little at that and nodded, "Thanks Steven for being so supportive."

"Anytime," Steven said, standing in front of her awkwardly, "I'm guessing you want a hug now?"

Jackie giggled a little, feeling the tears prick at her eyes and she held open her arms and enveloped him into a hug. She rested her head against his shoulder as several tears fell from her eyes and ran down her pale face. She felt his arms tighten around her, his comforting hands resting on her back.

"You'll be okay, I know you will," Steven said, rubbing her back soothingly, "I'll come and visit, okay?"

Jackie nodded against his shoulder, "Promise?"

Steven smiled sadly, his arms tightening around Jackie, "I promise."

Jackie smiled and finally they pulled apart. Jackie stepped back to the woman who just put her items away, the woman looking between the two a little sadly.

"You can come and visit any time you want to, son," The woman said.

Steven nodded, "Okay, thank you… I will."

The woman smiled and then tilted her head down to look at Jackie, "Are you ready now?"

Jackie nodded, her eyes still on Steven, "Yeah, I'm ready."

"Alright, let's go," The woman said, putting a gentle hand on Jackie's shoulder and directing her towards the elevator.

Jackie finally peeled her gaze away from Steven, trying not to look back. She could feel the tears burning her eyes, but she tried desperately to keep them held back. Her and the middle aged woman entered the elevator and turned back to face Steven. Jackie watched Steven as he just stood there, looking after her, and she didn't take her eyes off of him until the elevator doors slid shut.