Disclaimer: I don't own Sherlock or James Bond
July, 2007
"Will, are you aware that bees can be harmfully affected by cocaine? It's fascinating really…"
"Sherlock, do please shut up. I have no time for your ramblings today."
"…And the experiments suggest… What? Sister dear, you always have time. You work from home."
"Yes, I am aware. And currently I'm rather busy. At my flat."
"Doing what?"
"Hacking the MI6, so I would really appreciate it if you could be silent for once in your life."
"Don't be stupid. You once hacked the MI6 while half-drunk in the middle of a college party. From your mobile. You don't need me to be silent."
"I do when I'm trying to get caught!"
"…Wilhelmina, I rather hope that you haven't taken up the drugs. Mummy would be ever so upset."
"I'm not you, Sherlock. I can entertain myself without resorting to addictive substances."
"Yes, you just routinely hack into secure government servers and have entirely too-much casual sex. I'm sure those are perfectly legitimate ways of relieving boredom."
"What did I tell you about deducing my sex life?"
"I do try not to do it. It's utterly distasteful, but I can't just stop, can I?"
"You could delete it."
"Unfortunately for both of us, that would not stop any future deductions."
"…I know."
"MI6, Wilhelmina?"
"Don't call me that!"
"You always did have an unreasonable hatred for your name."
"Well, Mummy, despite her many admirable qualities, has a horrid taste in names. Wilhelmina is almost as bad as Sherlock."
"You are distracting me."
"Yes."
"It is not working."
"I'm aware. It was worth a try, though."
"…"
"…"
"Tell me."
"It's Mycroft's fault."
"Ah. Did he finally resort to begging you for information?"
"He bugged my flat three times in the last two weeks, tried to have me kidnapped twice and sends me alternating pleading and blackmailing texts every fifteen minutes. On the dot."
"And you haven't killed him yet? Why?"
"Because if I didn't want Anthea to kill me, I would have to hide the body. Mummy would be devastated. You know how particular she is about funerals."
"Hmmm."
"I did hack his servers, though. Stole a few secrets here and there and made sure that his ringtone is Justin Bieber. Only Justin Bieber."
"I approve. I taught you well."
"You taught me nothing, Sherlock. And besides, Mycroft tattled. To Mummy."
"Ah."
"And now she's calling me and scolding me for not helping my older brother. And Mycroft insists that I am not helping him, because I am not able to."
"And how does that lead to wanting to get caught by MI6?"
"M hates Mycroft's meddling almost as much as I do. I think we should be friends."
"…You are getting yourself a job. Oh, Mycroft will be furious. Brilliant!"
"It is, isn't it? So if you could just be silent…? I have to make them think they actually caught me."
"Of course, sister. Never let it be said that I would not make sacrifices for the sake of thwarting our dear brother."
"Goodbye, Sherlock."
.
.
"You got arrested."
"Why, hello, brother. How are you? Well? So am I, thank you for asking."
"Wilhelmina, you got arrested by MI6. On purpose. I can't get you out of this."
"Oh, you don't have to, Mycroft."
"They will incarcerate you and I'm unable to do anything without leverage."
"Is this a subtle way of asking me to tell you all their dirty little secrets?"
"Wilhelmina."
"You don't have to worry, brother. They will not imprison me. M is, despite your rather disparaging descriptions of her character, a sensible woman."
"…You planned this."
"Of course I did."
"They are offering you a job?"
"Yes."
"And you are accepting."
"Congratulations, Mycroft. You're in a top form today."
"There is no need for sarcasm, Wilhelmina."
"Actually, I think that Wilhelmina Holmes has to die. I like the name X. what do you think?"
"I think you're being unreasonable. Did you get yourself hired just to avoid working for me."
"Yes, Mycroft! It was either that, or skipping the country. This way, at least Mummy gets to see me."
"I see."
"Oh, don't act so devastated. I'm still serving the Queen and Country, aren't I?"
"I suppose you do, even if your talents would have been used to their greatest advantage under my instruction."
"And now you're just being an egotistical git."
"…"
"…"
"Try not to break your new co-workers, sister. We rather need them."
"I'll try not to kill anyone, Mycroft."
"I was more concerned about their mental health. You know how you can get, sister dear."
"Oh, please. We both know that not one of those agents would have worked willingly at SIS without some problems."
"And what does that say about you?"
"That I was getting truly desperate to escape from my controlling older brother."
"Wilhelmina."
"Mycroft."
"…I will inform Mummy of your new, legal job. She worries, constantly."
"You do that, brother. Let's not do this again. Goodbye."
.
.
I've just been informed that my sister has died. It was a car accident, all very tragic. SH
They were a little heavy-handed with it, weren't they? X
Mummy is devastated. Hasn't stopped crying. SH
Talked to her an hour ago. She seemed fine. X
Mrs Atlee from next door is convinced she's about to kill herself. SH
Mummy's very talented. X
What about Mycroft? X
Furious. It's beautiful. SH
Very sorry I can't see that. X
You should be. He's been sitting in the corner, drinking his tea with that constipated expression and twirling his brolly. SH
The guests think he's mourning in silence. It's all very dramatic. SH
Pot. Kettle. Black. X
Do shut up, sister. SH
How do you like your new job? SH
They sent me to see a psychiatrist. X
Already? SH
What did you do to them? SH
I made her cry. She quit. It was all very dull. X
Predictable. SH
Are you going out on the field? SH
Yes. X
Apparently I am too talented to sit safe with the rest of the techs. X
Naturally. SH
Do try not to get yourself killed. SH
Are you worried, brother? X
No. SH
I would merely hate to be forced to deal with Mycroft alone. SH
Indeed. X
.
.
The funeral was lovely. Mummy had fun. MH
Did she cry? X
No. MH
She was very dignified. MH
The other attendants are under the impression that she was 'putting on a brave front'. MH
Imbeciles. X
March, 2008
"Little busy, Sherlock!"
"Sister, I need to ask… Is that gunfire?!"
"Yes. Yes it is! I can't talk now. Bye!"
"Will! Will!"
.
.
Am alive. Currently in hospital in the Middle of Nowhere, Bahrain. X
Oh, good. Sherlock's been worried and adamantly denying it. MH
Overdramatic prick. X
You got shot? MH
In the thigh. X
It's a bitch. X
Language, sister dear. MH
You know it wouldn't have happened if you had only agreed to work for me. MH
I prefer the gunshot wound. X
April, 2009
"Mr Holmes, this is M speaking. I am the current employer of Wilhelmina Holmes, known as X. I regret to inform you that due to an accident she is currently in care of a private hospital in Paris. As her next of kin, you are obligated to..."
.
.
"I'll send a plane. It will be in Paris in time to…"
"No!"
"Wilhelmina?"
"No planes, Mycroft. Please."
"…I see. Very well. There will be no planes, but I'm sure that Anthea will be available to escort you by the train."
"…Thank you, Mycroft."
June, 2009
"I sent Sherlock to rehab."
"I am aware."
"I found him half-dead in his kitchen, Wilhelmina! I though he was dead. He was unresponsive on the way to the hospital and the doctors said it was a miracle he's still alive."
"I know. I hacked the CCTV as soon as I saw the report of the ambulance."
"…He was in a bad way. The worst one yet."
"Yes."
"Your accident… I think… He was very worried, sister."
"I know, Mycroft."
"He's an imbecile."
"He's always been an imbecile, Mycroft. You know that. Now get yourself together. You have a country to run and M to piss off."
"… You're right, of course."
"Did it physically hurt you to say that?"
"Now, sister, there is no need to be antagonistic. But do tell me, what do you think about the situation in Uganda?"
"You're as much of an imbecile as Sherlock if you think I'm going to hand out the information just like that."
.
.
How's the Q Branch? SH
Disturbing. X
How's rehab? X
Dull. SH
They don't allow me to solve cases and I'm kept away from all the violent patients. SH
Mycroft must've bribed them. SH
Or they're just being sensible. X
It's known to happen. X
Are your jailors sensible? SH
They're not my jailors, Sherlock. They're my co-workers. X
And yes, for the most part. X
For the most part? Do tell. SH
The 00 agents are lunatics. X
Attractive ones, but that doesn't change that one small, but important fact. X
Aren't they the best spies in Britain? SH
Depressing, isn't it? X
October, 2012
There was an explosion at Vauxhall. If alive, please respond. SH
If dead, a response would be good, too. SH
Will? SH
Mummy's worried. She wants to know if you're alive. SH
Oh, fuck off, Sherlock. I'm too busy trying to stop a terrorist attack to cater to your brotherly concern. Q
Q? What happened to X? SH
I've been promoted. Abruptly. Q
Over the dead bodies of your colleagues? Mycroft must be proud. SH
August, 2013
"There's a man in your flat."
"Are you stalking me again, Mycroft?"
"There is a man in your flat. He has been there for a week, most of the last month and the month before that. Who is he?"
"Don't you already know, brother dear?"
"I've been unable to find any record of him. Can I assume you are somehow involved in that?"
"You can assume all you want, Mycroft. It's not like I can stop you."
"Who is he, Wilhelmina?"
"A friend."
"You don't have friends, sister."
"Well, now I just must inform you that all the 00 agents are very fond of me."
"Ah. Your personal assassination squad. I'm proud, sister."
"You heard about that?"
"Mallory is rather worried about their loyalty to you over SIS. I, of course, told him that there is no need for concern."
"So you lied."
"Indeed. Out of curiosity, does he know of my relation to you?"
"No. And I intend to keep it that way."
"As you wish, sister. Am I to conclude that your… friend is a 00 agent?"
"I am not saying anything, you meddlesome bastard."
.
.
"Mycroft tells me you have a boyfriend."
"Oh. You talk about me with Mycroft now? Really, Sherlock?"
"He called."
"And you could have chosen not to answer."
"Then he would have bothered John."
"And we can't have that."
"…"
"…"
"What's so special about this one, sister?"
"What makes you think he's special? I've dated before."
"You did not date, Will. You had casual, open relationships that allowed you to have the sexual satisfaction you require without the need of forming emotional attachments."
"…I hate it when you talk about my sex life."
"Believe me, so do I."
"…He's not special."
"You may think so, sister. But, do remember that caring is not an advantage."
"And how is Dr Watson on this fine day, Sherlock? You really must introduce us…"