A/N: This was something I was working on many months ago, but abandoned because it took so much time to write one chapter (15 minutes of gameplay = 2 hours of writing!). There are three chapters for this, which will be uploaded separately, with probably a week between uploads. Maybe less. It was well recieved on the other site I had it, so I thought I'd bring it here. I'd like to do a little more with it, but no promises. And I certainly will NOT finish the whole game! That would be around 500 chapters.

There were some inside jokes there that I reference in here I don't feel like editing out. The only one you'll probably notice is that Link is called LONK and Epona is called HORSE.

I don't own Zelda, blah blah blah.

Not really in the mood to listen to some guy with a creepy mustache being all sentimental about metaphysical junk concerning how our emotions transcend into other worlds and are affected by shadows, I dozed off.

"LONK, would you mind doing this then?" were the words I awoke to. "Huh? Oh, sure, anything Rusl." I figured he'd tell me later what I just agreed to do. "Rusl, why did we already load up HORSE with sticks if we're just idly laying here?" Rusl took the hint, and we headed off towards the village, before I realized I meant to ask Rusl something important, "Rusl, why is your mustache black, but the rest of your hair blonde?" "I don't know LONK, why are those tufts of hair in front of your ears so much longer then the rest of your hair?"

Then I awoke in my nonexistent bed in my tree-house I didn't actually remember getting back to last night. "HEEEEEYYYYY!" I figured it was Fado telling me it was time to round up the goats. I looked out my window to see what time it was. Judging by the sun, it was about a quarter till noon.

It's amazing that in a small town like Ordon, where most of the population is illiterate and toothless, I had actually managed to obtain a collection of books on my 2nd...uh..."floor". As I glanced at my "Taming of the Shrew," I got the odd feeling that the knowledge within may soon come in handy. And then there was Waldo...One day, I shall find that elusive bastard.

As I stepped outside, I looked to where I kept HORSE, but she wasn't there. As I glanced around, one of the two paths I could chose from caught my attention, mostly because of the ominous zolly. I headed back towards the forest I was in last night, remembering I hadn't taken my morning leak yet. I lifted my dress tunic and began groping around in my long johns as I walked into the spring, only to notice that I wasn't alone. There was Ilia, taking slow, dramatic strides toward HORSE, then Ilia began to pet her. As she glanced to the side, she let out a quick gasp as she spotted the man who broken her hymen. Oh, Ilia seemed surprised by my presence too. "Oh, Hai LONK. I washed HORSE for you!"

I mounted HORSE and headed to the ranch that was only a sixteenth of an acre big. Ordonian Goats were a unique breed. Legend has it that they were once cross-bred with fireflies, which would go a long ways in explaining why they blinked red when they got annoyed with me. By the time I was done, It must have been at least noon, so I decided to go to bed. Fado also so kindly gave me the next day off, something about helping him and hard work...

Then I awoke, in my non-existent bed in my tree-house I again did not remember getting back to. I looked out the window to find that the village kids were stalking me as usual. Well, stalking puts it harshly. 'playing outside my house while I'm asleep, waiting for me to get up' would be more accurate, and just as weird. Also, I was in the mood to...take care of some personal business, and the sounds of children at play were too distracting. But I knew where to go for some privacy.

I left my house in a rush, ignoring the children's "LONK, LONK, LONK, HEY, LISTEN." once I reached the village, I immediately hopped in the water and swam down stream. Finally, a moment to myself where I could...wait, is that monkey watching me? Growing up in the woods, you naturally develop a certain reverence for nature and it's beings, so as gently as I could, I threw a rock at the monkey's head, causing it to flee and drop what ever it was holding.

As the object floated towards me, I realized it was a cradle. I thought of the many pregnant women in this town, and figured it must belong to the only one. Sighing, I swam back upstream to Uli. "Oh, LONK, My cradle! How did you know it was mine? Could you do me a favor and bring that to my house? I'll lead you."

It took her a few seconds to turn around and start waddling up the path to her house, so I ran ahead. But as soon as I made it to her door, she was right behind me! "...so because of the pregnancy, my breasts were getting bigger at first, which made Rusl happy, but then it started making me all gassy. Since then, he's been spending a lot of time "patroling" the woods. Oh yeah, LONK, I'm supposed to give you this." She handed me a stick "Uhh, thanks Uli...what is it?" "It's the fishing pole Colin made for you!" huh, never woulda guessed.

I knew of the perfect place to put this supposed fishing pole: my pitch black basement, where it literally would never see the light of day again. And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn't for those pesky kids. "LONK, Hey, listen, Hey, LISTEN" "WHAT?" "Didja hear? There's a SLINGSHOT at the store!" "Really Talo? That's fascinating. Now if you'd excuse me, I-" "I...need..slingshot. Must...have...power! GLARBLARBARR!" "You doing alright there, Malo?" "Huh? Oh, I just had something in my throat, don't worry LONK...Stupid waterwheel."

I walked off, muttering to myself. "damn kids. Ha, maybe I should get the slingshot and pelt you from my window. Wait...Hey, that's not a bad idea!" Back inside my house, I climbed down my ladder to my dark windowless basement that I for some reason keep stuff in. This was a good security measure, as most people couldn't see down here. But me on the other hand, I had a way. I whipped my shirt off to expose my extremely pale body. Sure I work outside a lot, but I have something of a farmer's tan. My paleness emits a light of it's own.

I retrieved the rupees from my wooden chest and headed back to town, but big fat disappointment awaited me there, and it's name was Sera. Through her tears, she blathered something about her cat running away, and I left the store empty handed, not quite sure why someone would be saddened by a missing cat.

Realizing that I still had the fishing stick somewhere on me, and that I was so close to the pond, I decided to give it a try before locking it away. From the dock on the other side of town (never knew why we had a dock if there were no boats), I cast the line into the water. Just then, I remembered Rusl's secret fishing tip: As soon as you see the bobber drop, start doing the dance to the Village People's YMCA with just the hand you're holding the rod in. And son-of-a-bitch, it actually worked. And Son-Of-A-Bitch, the fishing stick actually worked too! "Son of a Bitch! That cat stole my fish!"

I tried to hook the cat with my fishing stick, but it got away, so I chased it back to Sera's house. Once inside, she seemed so happy about the return of her cat, that she gave me a present: a half empty bottle of milk she had been drinking out of "Gee Sera, thanks for the free bottle of milk and all...but don't you think it's possible to give me a bottle that you haven't just drank half the contents of?" "Fuck you, this shit is free." "Whatever. How much for the slingshot?" "30 rupees. I'll just need you to fill out this ATF 4473 form so I can run a background check."

I swear, we must have waited on hold for about an hour with the Ordon Bureau of Investigation. But finally, I can chase those kids off my yard. But first, I'd like to ditch my fishing stick. "Hey, LONK, is that the slingshot? Can I see it?" "No." And I walked right by him, on my way to my tree-house.

There were two things I noticed in my abode. One was that Rusl was there rifling through my dirty laundry, and the second was that my dinnerware had a white and blue floral pattern on them. "Uhh, what brings you here, Rusl?" "Oh, I sharpened your stick for you. It's in that chest over there." I opened the chest and withdrew the stick that was somehow longer then the chest. "Weren't you going to make me a sheath for this as well?" "Oh, don't worry about that, just stick the sword on your back" I pretended to be sheathing the sword, and Lo! It stayed put. "Amazing Rusl! Is it magic?" "Don't be an idiot, it's velcro." "Oh. Rusl, why did you put the sword in the chest, only too have to carry a chest up my front ladder as well as the sword?" Rusl stared at me, then dropped my pair of boxers he forgot he was holding. "Well, gotta go, see ya around, LONK."

After Rusl left, I admired his craftsmanship on sharpening my stick. If he hadn't of brought it back, I would have had to wonder around the forest for MINUTES to replace it. On my way back out, I made sure to check on the pot of mystery stew that had been hanging over my fire for who knows how long. Mmmm, smells like mystery.

Back in front of my house, the kids were nagging me about my sword. Feeling rather bored, I decided to humor them, and in the process discovered that Beth wants to jump my bones. Talo looked like an idiot mimicking me, but luckily a monkey appeared, and Talo lustfully chased after that monkey.