AUTHOR'S NOTE: I got this idea while playing "Super Mario Party" with my sister (though we didn't go as far as this story goes). All the characters belong to Nintendo. I came up with the name of the lead Goomba in this story, as well as the names of any other Koopa Troopas, Goombas, or others in Bowser's army. Any other incidental characters belong to me. Also, I suggest you have a barf bag handy while reading this story, because of some of the nicknames this overly amorous Goomba refers to Toadette as are downright nauseating.

TRIGGER WARNING: stalking, sexual harassment, sexual assault, and perhaps some disturbing imagery involving a demented, lovesick Goomba (your mileage may vary on that last one).

The Badlands Bar was a biker bar in Desert Land that was off the beaten track. It was were most of Bowser's minions hung out, usually to unwind after getting beaten up by Mario, or chewed out by Bowser for failing him. A Koopa Troopa (who's name just happened to be Barkeep) was the owner.

This particular evening, a Goomba named Gruber stumbled into the bar, and jumped onto a stool.

"Yo, Barkeep!" he shouted. "Gimme a Mushweiser!"

Gruber held the Goomba record for most times stomped on by Mario (3,691 times, and counting), and he had one heck of a headache. What made this headache worse was that Bowser had fired him earlier that day for failing him.

"I hate that overgrown lizard," he grumbled.

"Don't we all," the bartender said.

"You ever been fired by the big lunk?"

"Yep. Fifteen years ago. That's when I decided to open this bar. Best decision I ever made, I tell you. I don't get what his fixation is on Princess Peach, anyway. She ain't even gotta shell!"

"Go figure. No accounting for taste. I gotta tell ya, Barkeep, at least you had something to do with your life after you got sacked! Me, I got nothin'! Who wants to hire a Goomba? We can't do much, especially without arms! All we got are feet!"

Barkeep shrugged, and slid Gruber a glass of Mushweiser, with an extra long straw in it so the Goomba could drink it. As Gruber slurped his beer, he looked up at the TV in the corner. It was tuned to MKTV, and the news was on.

"And once again, the Mushroom Kingdom's ruler was saved from Bowser by Mario," the newscaster said.

"Pheh," Gruber groaned. "So what else is new?"

"In other news," the newscaster went on, "local adventurer, Captain Toad, and his Toad Brigade, returned to the Mushroom Kingdom this afternoon, after finding the rarest of rare treasures, the Golden Super Gem, in a location known as the Grand Labyrinth. Our roving reporter is at Princess Peach's castle, on the scene to give you the story."

The scene shifted to Princess Peach's castle, where a huge party was being given in honor for Captain Toad and his Toad Brigade.

"Who cares?" Gruber grumbled, rolling his eyes. "You see one shiny treasure, you've seen 'em all."

Gruber looked back at the TV, where the Toad Brigade came in. At the head of the Brigade was Toadette, the only female member of the Toad Brigade. She was holding the Golden Super Gem over her head, showing it off to the news cameras. Gruber suddenly snapped to attention, and jumped off his barstool.

BOOOOIIIIING!

"Hubba-hubba-hubba-hubba . . . ." he stammered. "Gorgeous! Absolutely gorgeous!"

"Yeah, that is a nice lookin' rock, ain't it?" Barkeep asked.

"I'm not talking about the rock, suds snout!" Gruber shouted. He wished he had arms so he could give Barkeep a whack upside the head. "I'm talking about her!"

Gruber pointed toward the TV with his foot toward Toadette. Barkeep merely nodded, and began cleaning out a glass.

"She's the most beautiful creature I've ever seen!" Gruber went on. "Don't you think?"

"Yeah, she's kinda cute," Barkeep said, shrugging. "If you like Toads, that is. And please, stop drooling on my bar."

Gruber wasn't paying any attention. His gaze was fixated on Toadette. In fact, his eyes turned into giant hearts, and they began pulsating.

"I've made up my mind!" he shouted. "I'm gonna go to the Mushroom Kingdom, and sweep that cute little fungus off her feet!"

"How're ya gonna do that?" Barkeep asked. "You don't have arms!"

"I'll improvise!"

And with that, Gruber ran out of the bar. Barkeep sighed, and began wiping down the spot the Goomba had drooled on.

"Left without paying again," he muttered. "Why am I not surprised?"