How Aizen Got His Ass Handed To Him

It was quiet in Las Noches. Lord-of –all-three-dimensions-so-suck-on-that-Yamamoto, Sousuke Aizen himself, could appreciate this silence. Ever since he had come to reside there permanently, he noticed that everyone was really loud.

Which actually made no sense, because Las Noches was lumpin' huge, and there weren't that many people actually living there. Aizen, Gin, and Tousen had their own separate wing apart from the arrancars, and the Espada lived scattered inside the palace. The Numeros just kind of drifted, as no one cared to actually give them all separate spaces.

Anyway, Aizen was enjoying the quiet. He was wandering aimlessly down a hallway, no direction in mind (he wouldn't ever admit to being lost...), when he had a sudden thought. What was everyone doing? He given any orders for any of the Espada to go on missions, the Numeros normally stayed inside for fear of getting attacked by other hollows in the desert of Hueco Mundo, and Gin and Tousen normally stayed in their own quarters, being weird in solitude.

Aizen turned down a hallway, intent on finding someone to tell him what was going on (Come to think of it, he hadn't seen anyone all day…), when he heard something. He stopped walking immediately, the echo of his last step ringing in his ears and annoying him. What was that?

Ah, there it was again! Aizen spread out his senses, and found a cluster of high spiritual pressure to his far left, tasting mostly like hollow, but with a bit of Soul Reaper mixed in. My Espada?, he thought, puzzled. What were they doing all together? And why hadn't they invited him?

As he set off in that direction, he felt slightly peeved. He could even feel Ulquiorra there! Ulquiorra told him everything!

There! He was standing in front of a door to the room that had his most powerful subordinates all together. Was there a fight going on? Secret plans to overthrow him? A mass orgy? (He could get in on something like that…Hmm, Grimmjow's abs…)

Straining his ears, he heard something like…music? Utterly curious, he twisted the knob, opened the door, to find…

…

…

What the hell?

Someone had set up a living room of sorts, though it looked like someone had decorated it exactly from an Ikea catalog. The walls were painted a light blue, and there were pictures on the wall that had all the Espada in various poses, like a family. Where had they even gotten a camera?

Anyway, the most pressing thing at that moment was what Aizen found in the center of the room. The music was finally clear (and actually pretty loud…did they soundproof the room?) and was coming from a large wide-screen television placed on the wall directly opposite the door. The Espada were there, Harribel, Yammy, Aaroniero, and Szayel sitting on one couch, and Baraggan, Zommari, and Starrk on the matching loveseat, and Nnoitra sitting in front of the couch.

What were they doing, you ask?

Starrk was dozing (figures), and Harribel, Baraggan, and Zommari were sitting quietly.

Yammy and Nnoitra were saying things like, "Beat his little emo ass, Grimmjow! Come on, you can do better than that! Do it man! I'VE GOT FIFTY BUCKS RIDING ON THIS GAME!"

Aaroniero and Szayel were just barely quieter, yelling things like, "You can win Ulquiorra! You're like two ranks ahead of him!"

What did they all have in common?

They were watching Ulquiorra and Grimmjow. A sweaty, shirtless Ulquiorra and Grimmjow (Aizen swooned a bit), who, at that point, were playing a video game. Zumba, to be exact. And they were killing it.

The music, which Aizen later identified to be a song called "Dance, Dance, Dance", had just commanded them to "freestyle", which seemed to involve a lot of fast hip movements as you turned in a circle. On their way around, they saw Aizen there, standing shell-shocked at what was going on. Both immediately stopped, terror on their faces.

"Aw, what the hell?" Szayel cried as the game continued to "freestyle", "What's the ma…Oh, hey, L-lord Aizen, s-sir…"

Harribel calmly paused the game.

Aizen was at a loss. When did they get this room? Where did they get this game? How do they get electricity? (He had been reading by candle-light for weeks!)

Instead, all that came out was "Uh…"

Ulquiorra took the initiative and took off the Zumba belt wrapped around his (gasp!) mostly uncovered hips, pulled on his shirt that was resting on the coffee table, and asked, "Lord Aizen, with all due respect, why the hell are you here?"

Shocked, the only thing that came out of his mouth was a strangled "Ngh!"

"Yeah, don't you have anyone else you can bother? Soul Reapers aren't allowed in here." Grimmjow said, one hand on his hip, the other running through his sweat-drenched blue hair.

"Wait what?"

Harribel spoke up. "Yes, go find Gin or something."

"Or go figure out more ways to get into that orange-haired kid's pants. We all know that's what you're really fighting for." Starrk said, sleepy eyes strangely alert.

The other Espada nodded, as if in agreement. Aizen was shocked. They were his subordinates! How could they say that to him? (Although the Ichigo part was mostly true…)

"Wait a minute! I'm your Lord! You can't talk to me like that!" he yelled, losing a bit of his cool.

"Not in here, you aren't," Grimmjow said. "In fact, I'm getting' kind of tired of you treating us like slaves. You aren't even a hollow."

"Yeah," the Espada chorused.

"Why should we follow you?" Ulquiorra asked, defiance in every line of his posture. "We have a right, as hollows, to do what we want! It's in our instinct! And right now, my instinct wants me to curb-stomp you for even THINKING you could rule me!"

"Yeah!" they agreed.

"Let's show him whose boss!" Grimmjow yelled, as he stalked towards Aizen.

Aizen himself had one last thought before he was at the mercy of the Espada. Those jerks! I wanted to play too….

Following the ten-on-one defeat of Aizen by the Espada, Las Noches was torn down and turned onto a city resembling Ichigo Kurosaki's inner world, with the Espada as the main council of leaders. All lesser hollows finally had a place to live, eat, and sleep without fear of some creepy guy ripping their masks off.

Tousen and Gin mysteriously arrived in Soul Society, hog-tied and bearing a note that read "Aizen's dead." They are currently awaiting trial.

Orihime was released, but instead chose to stay in the city of Las Noches with Ulquiorra, claiming that "He makes delicious food!"

Her friends all wondered how either of them survived that long.

Ichigo and the rest of his harem followed Orihime and settled down in Las Noches, and Yamamoto had a conniption.

And they all lived happily ever after. Really.