Author's Note: Ladies and gentlemen, allow me to tug at your heart strings with this fic. My first Supernatural story, having fallen headfirst into the fandom less than a month ago, watched the entire series that they have thus far, stalked every comic book store and created this big bad-ass collection that I have no where to put, and thus a fan girl was born.
This is slightly AU. Takes place after Lucifer and Michael got locked in the cage, but Sammy never fell in with them, Bobby still lives (because I love him so much), and Dean never went to go live with Lisa and Ben, and Castiel restored Heaven like SNAP and wasn't hunting around for Heaven's weapons.
So enjoy. Cross posted to my tumblr and Live Journal.
Home
By Mint Pizza Queen
It comes as a definite surprise and a crushing blow when Castiel shows up in the middle of July on the doorstep to their musty motel room and announces that he no longer wants to be an angel.
Dean's first thought is that the angel is out of his mind, that the stress of restoring heaven has finally gone to his brain and fried it beyond repair.
Sam is a little more understanding. "Heaven is restored and the apocalypse has been stopped, but I'm not sure if that's a good idea."
Dean butts in with a quip of his own. "Uh, hey, here's a thought-remember Anna and how she became human and all that? How you and Uriel hunted her down and tried to kill her? Don't you think that they are gonna try to do that to you too?"
Castiel turns determined eyes towards him. "Those were completely different circumstances."
"Oh yes, completely."
"What Dean means to say," Sam says before Dean can start another apocalypse in the parking lot. "Is why?"
The angel forces a small smile. "I am not needed anymore in heaven. All is restored, my duty has been completed, there is nothing left for me up there."
Dean is unimpressed. "Keep the angel mojo and go on hunts with us! It's a hell of a lot better than going cold turkey human."
Castiel looks to the ground and Dean feels something nasty in his gut. "Cas?"
The angel produces a small vile on a small piece of rope, a small necklace really, and holds it out to Dean. "My Grace."
Dean stares with his mouth agape.
Castiel smiles thinly. "Please keep it for me."
"What the fuck Cas, you can't ask me to-I won't; it's not fair-"
Sam takes the necklace and drops it into Dean's hand. "He will." He looks at Cas with empathy. "Now what are you going to do?"
Castiel looks up at the sky for a moment before looking back at the two. "I'm going to live."
Apparently Bobby was already informed of Castiel's decision and had already started plotting with the little ex-angel bastard.
"Bobby, you cannot be serious-this is a very bad idea," Dean argues but Bobby will hear none of it.
"It's his choice. He wants to live, let him live. Do you really think that they are gonna let him be what he wants to be up in Heaven?"
"Do you really think they are gonna let him live down here? Be real, they are gonna do to him what they did to Anna."
Bobby shrugged. "He'll learn. But he's got something that Anna didn't."
Dean stares. "What?"
"He's got us to back him up." Bobby nods his head once to emphasize the importance of this statement and keeps a steely gaze on Dean.
Dean feels doubtful about how much good that really will do.
It's literally a week after Castiel's surprise announcement before Dean hears from him again.
And it's by telephone.
"What do you mean you got a house? How the hell did you get a fucking house? You don't have any money!"
"Bobby helped me get set up."
Dean feels very offended that Castiel is looking for guidance from Bobby and not him. "Why didn't you ask me for help?"
The phone line is silent before a meek reply. "You weren't pleased with my choice. I thought you would be even angrier if I asked for your help in living on this chosen path."
Dean wants to choke him through the phone, but settles for a grumble under his breathe. "Cas, it's your life. But we're supposed to be family here and we're supposed to help each other, no matter what stupid choices we make."
There is no response but Dean knows he's still on the phone listening.
He let's out an annoyed breath before asking, "So, where do you live?"
"Close to Wichita."
Oh fucking hell.
"Kansas Cas? Really?"
"Bobby had a connection, a friend, he had a house that was empty for a while and said I could have it. It just needs some minor repairs but it's habitable."
Dean wishes Castiel chose a location closer to Bobby. At least he knew then that the ex-angel would've been watched over carefully. "What are you gonna do about food? Bills? Money?"
"I don't live too far from the city, Dean. I can walk to the city. As far as money goes, Bobby is helping until I can get a job. He's creating the story that I was in a car accident and that I have to start fresh."
"Is there anything that I could do or has Bobby covered everything?" Dean snaps into the phone. He almost feels guilty for it but holds back on the feeling and locks it up tight.
Castiel is hurt by the tone and lets it be known. "Dean…"
"Don't come crying to me when things get shitty and you fuck up," and he slams the phone down hard.
He doesn't get anymore phone calls the rest of the time he's in Tennessee so he hits the road with Sam in tow.
He doesn't mind. He really doesn't mind.
Cas hasn't called him and he doesn't really care.
He shouldn't care. He's not supposed to care.
But damnit, why does he?
It's late August when Dean decides to swing by and see Bobby. He hadn't talked to him since July and he wants to check up on the man.
He pulls into the driveway with Sam in the passenger seat, who's holding a box of freshly baked pumpkin pie.
Bobby walks out of the house and adjusts his trucker's cap as the two climb out of the Impala. "Well look at who's arrived in time for lunch."
"Never missed a meal yet!"
He snorts. "I can see by your waistline. Get in the house and set the table. I gotta check my mail before I start serving you lot." He walks past them towards his mailbox as the other two enter the house and head for the kitchen.
Sam already has the table set and Dean's already cracked open a beer by the time Bobby enters the house waving an open letter.
"Guess who I got mail from," and he waves the paper around like it's an award.
Sam is eager for answers and cheats by snatching the paper. "Hey! It's from Cas!"
Dean stops drinking his beer instantly and his eyebrows tighten.
Sam reads the letter before smiling. "He's doing pretty good by what the letter says."
The corner of Bobby's mouth quirks. "I make sure he calls at least once a week or I call him. He's been sending me letters too, and I guess Leah's been kind enough to show him how to use the postal service."
Dean snorts. "Cas has a girlfriend?"
Bobby shakes his head in disbelief. "No, you idjit, Leah is his neighbor. She's already got a family of her own. It's her brother that owned the house that he's in and she's been helping with keeping an eye on him. Her husband helped him fix up the house. Real good folk they are."
Sam smiles. "That's great! At least we know if he has any problems he has someone close to help him."
Dean rolls his eyes and stuffs a fry into his mouth.
Sam looks over at Dean. "Cas is doing pretty good, Dean. I wish he would call us though. I know we've been busy with a bunch of things, why don't we stop down and see how he is? I miss him and it would be nice-"
"No thanks."
Bobby and Sam exchange glances. Sam hesitantly offers the letter. "Do you want, well, to read-"
"Sammy, I don't care." Dean picks up his beer and heads out for the porch and leaves them in a confused silence.
September flies past faster than Dean realizes and before he knows it, October has already arrived and the air is crisp and cool. Leaves had already changed colors and many have fallen. The landscape is a scene right out of a painting, or at least that's what Sam says.
They visit Bobby a couple more times, and each time they are there he's got another letter from Cas. Dean always leaves the room and never bothers to ask how he is. Once while they were there the ex-angel called. Bobby answered before passing the phone to Sam who nearly bounced in place with utter joy at hearing his voice again. When Sam tried to pass the phone to him, he turned and stalked out of the room.
It was after that incident Sam started pestering him.
It started with little things here and there.
"I wonder what Cas is doing right now."
"I wonder what new things he's discovered."
"Does he like meatloaf? He's a hamburger guy, so, maybe he would."
"I think I should send him a letter."
"Maybe I should give Cas a call."
"Hey, ever wonder why he hasn't called us? I asked Bobby to give him our numbers, but he's never actually called yet."
"I wonder if he's lonely."
"Sam," Dean grounded out as they pulled into a parking lot of yet another stingy motel, "Please shut the fuck up."
Sam scowled and leveled a look with him that clearly said that this conversation was not over.
Not by a long shot.
The big blow up happened one week later after Cas finally called Sam, right after Sam got off the phone with him.
"Dean, what the hell did you say to Cas?"
Dean looked up from a newspaper and made a face. "What are you talking about? I haven't talked to him in like, what, months? Since July?"
Sam put his hands on his hips and made his bitch face which meant someone at some point in this conversation was going to get punched in the face. Hopefully it wouldn't be Dean. "Every time I offered to let him talk to you he freaked. Said not to get you angry again. What did you do? Did you blow up at him?"
Dean folded up the paper and threw it onto the table. "I'm not having this conversation."
"Oh no, we are having this conversation whether you like it or not," Sam blocked him from dashing towards the door. "You wouldn't read his letters, you wouldn't talk on the phone with him, and you refused to go see him. What, did he do something to piss you off? If you're still mad about the whole angel thing?"
Dean snarled. "It's not the angel thing and I really don't have to talk about this!"
Sam shoved him into the chair before pointing an angry finger into his face. "You seriously need to get over it. You ranted about free will and when he finally decides to try it out you throw a bitch fit! No wonder he's upset!"
Dean froze. "What?"
"He's upset and thinks that you hate his guts. He wants to come see us but is terrified to you are going to disown him or throw him away or something like that. Seriously, you need to call him," Sam picked up the phone on the table and dropped it into Dean's lap. "And you need to talk to him. He was near tears on the phone earlier."
Dean stared at the phone for only a moment before he shoved it off his lap, sending it crashing to the floor. In the momentary shock of Sam staring at the broken receiver, he dashed into the bathroom and locked the door.
Another month passed and Sam hadn't brought Cas up until he got another phone call from him. It was after he had hung up he turned to Dean with those puppy eyes and said that he missed Cas terribly, and that Cas wasn't happy sounding anymore, that he was depressed and lonely.
He knew he was being a dick to Cas, but he was annoyed. He was angry. Angry at Cas for choosing this path and angry at him for choosing Bobby to be his father figure. He was angry at Cas for not looking to him for help.
He knew he wasn't exactly a perfect role model, but he knew what it was like going out on his own. He had hoped that Cas would have turned to him for some advice but instead he had looked to Bobby.
Just…like…he had…
Fuck.
Castiel was exactly like him in too many ways.
Cas didn't look to Dean for advice because Dean wasn't a father figure. Dean wasn't John. Dean wasn't Bobby.
Cas, having been taught many human things by Dean, did exactly what Dean had taught him. If you need help or advice, go to a father figure.
And Cas, being Cas, used Dean's ideal person of a father figure.
Bobby.
The problem for Dean though wasn't admitting his mistake-
-it was finding a way to apologize to his friend.
It was late at night and snowing when they stopped twenty miles outside of Wichita. It was a small little town that had a couple fast food joints and a motel smack dab in the middle of them.
Dean and Sam crashed at that very motel and they were laying on the bed watching television when Dean's phone rang. Sam's eyes locked onto his brother as he pulled the phone out of his pocket and watched as he checked the caller ID.
Caller unknown.
Dean answered it, unsure of who to be expecting. "Hello?"
"Dean?"
He froze. Out of the corner of his eye he saw Sam jump up from the bed and make his way towards the door. He mouthed food before disappearing outside, leaving Dean on the phone.
Dean licked his lips. "Cas?"
The ex-angel let out a breath that apparently he had been holding in anxiously. "I-uh, sorry to-call you at a bad time-"
"You're fine," Dean reasoned. If he was going to apologize for his asshole-ish nature, this was the time to do it. "So uh-what's up?"
"I just-wanted to talk."
"Well, it's great to hear from you! Listen, uh-Sammy went out to get food so, uh, if you wanna talk to him you gotta wait a bit-"
"I wanted to talk to you, Dean."
Dean stopped, eyes staring ahead unfocused. "Why?"
"I-I know you said not to call you, but I couldn't. I mean, I tried, Dean, I really tried, but I can't."
Dean sat up. "Cas? What's wrong?"
"Dean, I'm sorry, I can't do this anymore."
Fear suddenly wrapped its hands around Dean's throat.
"Cas? Listen, please, don't do anything stupid," he jumped up and quickly threw on his shoes. "Just give me a little time and I'll be right there, okay?"
"What?"
"Cas, look, I was stupid. I was angry, but it was for something really stupid. It's fine if you want to be human. It's fine if you want to be independent. What I said before? Forget it. You know how I can be a dick sometimes, so please Cas, just-just give me an hour at least, okay? Just let me get to you-"
"Dean, are you afraid I might hurt myself?"
Dean's throat clenched painfully. "Are you?"
"Dean, when I said I couldn't do this anymore, I meant I couldn't be here anymore."
"I still don't understand Cas," Dean responded.
"I meant I can't be here anymore because I miss you guys too much."
Oh my god.
You have no idea how much-
I miss you too, damnit.
"The people here are very nice but it's not the same. I miss Sam, I miss Bobby, but I really miss you Dean. I haven't felt this lonely in-ever. It's painful. It's sickening. I feel hollow, and I haven't ever felt that way before. I hate it. I hate being this way. When I'm with you guys, I don't feel like a shell. I don't feel so alone. I know I am with people, I know I am with family, and I'm with people who care. But this-this isn't me. This isn't what I wanted, Dean. I-I'm sorry, but I messed up."
Dean swept a hand through his hair, eyes darting around the room with his mind in chaos. "What do you want me to do Cas? What do you want from me?"
"Please-come get me."
"One hour tops. I'm on my way." He dashed out the door and found to his surprise Sam standing beside the Impala, leaning on it with his arms crossed.
His brother gave a thin smile. "Took you long enough. Let's go get him."
They arrived at his house in less than twenty five minutes.
Castiel was sitting on his porch in his usual outfit, minus the trench coat. Dean jumped out of the car and ran up the walk to him when he yelled his name. "Cas!"
The ex-angel looked up at him and looked near to tears. He bowed his head as soon as Dean stood before him and mumbled, "I'm sorry."
Dean knelt down in the fresh layer of powdered snow. "Hey, nothing to be sorry about."
"But you said-"
"Fuck what I said, Cas, I was wrong. We're family and we're supposed to stick together. I pushed you out and it wasn't fair of me. I'm sorry." Dean grabbed onto his hands and found it to be ice cold. "Sammy, grab me a blanket!"
Castiel's eyes were too bright. "Dean, I hate this."
Dean brushed a hand through his hair. "Hate what?"
"I hated being away from you guys. You and Sam, and Bobby, I hated it. It was so goddamn lonely here. Nothing but silence, and it-I hated it." He squeezed his eyes shut as his breathing became ragged. "Please-don't leave me here."
Sam walked up with a blanket which Dean quickly wrapped around Cas. "What do you want me to do, Cas? You gotta tell me."
Blue eyes looked up at him. "I want to go home."
Sam looked to Dean. "But your Grace-"
"No!" Cas shook his head before looking back to them, eyes more determined. "I want to go home."
And then, Dean knew.
He patted his knee and smiled. "All right, I'll take you home. But before I do," he reached into his pocket and pulled out the vial, dangling it in front of his face. "I believe you will want this back."
Castiel's shaky fingers reached out and brushed against the vial before he clasped it in his hand and took it back. "You kept it…"
"Of course I did. Now, let's get you home."
The sun was just rising when they passed through the first Dakota state line. Sam stretched his arms out ahead of him and craned his neck to check on Cas, who had fallen asleep in the back seat of the Impala. "Dude, it's gonna be a while yet till we get to Bobby's. Why don't we crash at a motel for a little while?"
Dean smiled. "Not necessary. I'm not in any rush to get to Bobby's."
Sam looked at Dean with a confused expression. "I thought you wanted to get him home as soon as possible?"
Dean laughed. "Sammy, Cas is already home."
Understanding blossomed on Sam's face and he shared a smile as well. "Yeah, I guess he is."