A/N: Heeeeey, I've got another KagePro drabble-ish thing up! Not related in any way to my other KagePro oneshot, Invisible (though you should totally check that out if you haven't read it yet, I heard it's kinda epic XD), although the themes are sorta the same. Maybe. If you squint.
I honestly just wrote this to get some thoughts outta my head before they could block up my whole mind, because - well, you know how much brainspace math requires? Yeeeah. I needed to clear up some room so I just banged this thing out in about half an hour.
I was going to make this another KanoKido thing because KanoKido, buuuut... Ayano deserves some love too. So here you are.
"Can you keep a secret?"
She turned and smiled at the girl beside her. The girl was just an average high school student, with long, sleek black hair, a neatly pressed uniform, a bag in one hand and a silent plea in her eyes.
"Of course. What is it?"
The girl let out a long, whooshing breath and took a quick glance around. The classroom was empty; school had ended twenty minutes ago. The only reason Ayano, herself, was still there was because she needed to study, and school was the best place for it - away from the rambunctious quarreling of her siblings, away from any other studious students that may be in the library. No one ever stayed in the classroom after school ended.
Perhaps that was why this girl was here today.
"I've got this huge, like this huuuuge crush on this one guy," the girl whispered, and stretched her hands about two meters apart to show just how huuuuge her crush on this one guy was. "And he is so adorable, and I like him so much, but the thing is - we've only got one class together, and he's got such amazing grades that I'm sure he thinks I'm a total idiot - but I want to confess so badly! His name's Kenshi, and..."
Ayano nodded and smiled as the girl let loose and ranted about her pent-up feelings for this amazing boy, as she released all the bottled-up thoughts and emotions that had probably been cooped up for months. Ayano didn't really listen, of course; she knew it wasn't her job to. Her job was simply to be the ear, the one person who was willing to listen, even if unable to do anything to solve the problem.
She didn't mind listening. She found it rather enjoyable, as a matter of fact. She was bringing other people happiness and peace of mind, simply by existing.
"...so I've decided to give him my confession after class tomorrow." The girl pulled a plain white envelope out of her bag and clutched it to her chin. "Do you think that's a good idea?"
Ayano gave the girl her biggest, brightest smile, and chirped, "Of course! Good for you. I know I would never have the courage to confess to someone. I wish you the best of luck!"
The girl blushed bright red and muttered a nervous thank-you under her breath, then turned and dashed away. Ayano checked her watch; fifteen minutes had passed by.
It was fine. She doubted she would've gotten much studying done anyway. It wasn't that big of a waste of time.
But it was almost time for her to go home now. Her father didn't mind her studying at school, but he always insisted that she be back in time for dinner - and Ayano knew that, since today was Kano's turn to cook, the pizza delivery guy would be arriving at her home in about fifteen minutes. If she hurried, she might be able to make it home at the same time as whatever Kano had ordered.
She straightened all of her worksheets, slid them into her bag, and went home.
xoxoxoxox
The next day, the first thing that her homeroom teacher did was introduce a new student.
"This is Shintaro Kisaragi, and he's transferring here from... Albee High. Would you like to introduce yourself?"
The boy scoffed under his breath, glared at the class, and muttered, "Dimwits."
The teacher either didn't hear or didn't care. "Very well. Take a seat. Right there, at the back, beside... Ah, I believe her name is Ayano."
Shintaro rolled his eyes, heaved his bag over his shoulder, and slouched his way over to the desk beside Ayano. When he got there, he threw his bag onto the ground and slumped over in his chair.
Ayano forced herself to smile at him, despite his dark, gloomy aura. "Hi! My name is..."
"Ayano Tateyama, yes, I know," he muttered. "I saw your name on the attendance."
...Ah. Okay.
She turned away from him and tried to focus on whatever the teacher was writing on the blackboard - something about a hero's journey, and trials, and ordeals, or something.
...What a foul-tempered boy.
That wasn't a very nice thing for her to think.
Well, it's true! He wasn't even polite enough to say hi back.
Well, that was his own personal preference. You shouldn't judge him for that.
...Still. It's rude.
So what? He doesn't care.
I do.
Yeah, well, he doesn't care that you care. So there.
Fine. He's a nice boy. Perhaps... Perhaps he's just having a bad day.
Yeah. Yeah, that must've been it.
She left that class with thoughts of heroes and battles and hydras whirling in her mind, clouding any negative thoughts she may or may not have been thinking about the transfer student Shintaro Kisaragi.
Those negative thoughts surfaced when, in her next class, the teacher introduced another student. By the name of Shintaro Kisaragi. Who was, coincidentally, the exact same student as the one she'd met in English.
And of course, the only empty seat in her science class was... Right beside her.
She smiled at him again when he sat down. This time, he at least had the decency not to scoff at her; instead he pretended she wasn't there.
...Well.
This was going to be a fun school year.
That was her first thought when, in music, Shintaro Kisaragi was introduced yet again as a new flute player and oh, we don't really have many seats for flute players... How about beside Ayano? She's pretty good at flute, she can answer any questions you have about how to play.
It certainly hadn't made her feel any better to find out that he'd actually been playing flute for several years and was considerably better than her at it.
And then, of course, in computer science, Shintaro Kisaragi was introduced as a new transfer student and, curious, curious, all seats were mysteriously taken up by binders and school bags, and the teacher was forced to seat Shintaro... Beside...
...Ayano.
She'd had enough of his attitude at this point. It was time to teach him a lesson.
"Shintaro Kisaragi, right?" she said cheerily as she took out her two-inch business binder. "Have you taken computer science before?"
He gave her a suspicious, narrow-eyed look, before glancing away and muttering, "Sorta. As a hobby."
Okaaaay.
"...Ah...really...? So, have you learned about-"
"I know how to program Java - I used it to make a mini-game for iOS and put it up on their App store a year ago - and I've also got a pretty good grounding in C++; I'm getting started on Python now but I don't think it's nearly as efficient as C++. Html is pretty easy, there's not much to learn about that." He nodded to the worksheet in her hands. "That code you have there? It would probably be better to use a switch-case statement instead of else-if. There would be less to type."
She blinked at him, smiled, and said, "I'll keep that in mind."
He gave her an indecipherable look and turned to the computer monitor before him. His fingers flew lightning-fast across the keys; she had barely typed in her username by the time he'd opened up an Internet browser and a coding program, and within a matter of minutes, a program had taken form on his computer screen. It was the exact same as the one she was supposed to be working on - except, of course, there was a switch statement instead of an else-if loop.
He was very, very arrogant. She didn't like that one bit.
"Thanks," she said anyway, and opened her own programming window.
Look at that! Look at that! It's his first day here and he's already a MILLION TIMES better at this than you are!
Well, he does this as a hobby too, so obviously he'd be better than me. It's not that big of a deal. I know I suck anyway.
Ha! Oh, "suck" is a bit of an understatement, wouldn't you say?
No. I'm bad at it. That's all there is to it.
Really? If you're so bad at it, why'd you even choose to take computer science class anyway?
She ignored the voice in her head and started typing.
By the end of the class, her head was pounding. Why had she taken computer science? She was no good at it. She sucked at math, she sucked at logic, she sucked at coding - hell, she sucked at school, period. Why couldn't she just drop out? She would never be able to get a job with these grades of hers, anyway.
With those seething thoughts in mind, she packed up her bag, beamed at Shintaro, and chirped, "See you tomorrow!"
He merely stared back.
She kept her smile pasted to her face and left the room. Computer science was her last class of the day; school was finally over. The halls were already flooded with students eager to get home; she tiptoed around them and went to room 301.
Room 301. Homeroom. English. Her study room.
Her English teacher was still there when she got in. Ayano nodded at him and sat down at her customary desk - back row, beside the window - and took out her homework. Her teacher left a minute or two later, without even saying goodbye. Technically, he wasn't allowed to leave a student in a classroom without supervision, but her school was pretty lax about those rules.
She'd only managed to finish half of her computer science worksheet when she heard the classroom door creak open.
"Um... Ayano? Ayano Tateyama?"
She let out a soft, weary breath and looked up. She smiled. "Yep, that's me. What is it?"
The boy standing in the doorway ran a hand through his shaggy hair and gave her a nervous grin. "Can you keep a secret?"
"Of course."
xoxoxoxox
"Hey, Shintaro!"
He barely even looked at her. "Sure."
Still, she kept on smiling and talking. "Did you finish the homework the teacher handed out yesterday?"
Without answering, he pulled a crumpled sheet of paper out of his bag and tossed it on the table. Finished.
She pulled out her English binder and opened it up. There, at the very top, lay a half-completed paragraph response to Romeo and Juliet: The Balcony Scene - or so she'd called it.
"Ah, you're so good at writing." She laughed and scratched her head. "I couldn't come up with anything to say."
Shintaro glared at her work, scoffed, and looked away.
Did he just scoff at me? Why did he just scoff at me?
He's making fun of you. Duh. I mean, look at that. That's... That's just pathetic.
I did my best.
Well, your best wasn't very good, was it?
...I tried.
No wonder you're such a failure. You can't even write a simple paragraph-long response.
Oh, hush. I know I'm not good at English.
She smiled at the teacher when he came around to collect their reports. Two rows in front of her, out of the corner of her eye, she could see a classmate waving to her.
Can you keep a secret? he mouthed. She smiled back.
Lunch, she replied as soon as her teacher's back was turned. Her classmate's eyes widened, and he smiled in relief before turning away.
"What was that about?"
"Nothing," Ayano replied. She didn't look to Shintaro when she said it.
What did he know about her, and about her school? Who did he think he was to be asking about it so haughtily?
"That wasn't nothing."
She shrugged, smiled, and doodled on a piece of paper.
xoxoxoxox
She was a bit tired. She'd admit that much. It was tiring to always have people come up to her and let all their troubles flow into her weary, open ears. But she was still glad to do it. Maybe they didn't have anyone else to talk to. Maybe she was their only relief from these heavy burdens they were carrying.
But after lunch, on her way back from the cafeteria, she spotted the black-haired girl who'd confided in her about a massive crush. The girl was standing in a group of other girls, talking loudly, gesturing widely with her hands; pressing her hands against her chest, pretending to swoon. Tracing a tear track down her cheek. Saying something that looked like heartbroken.
Her friends frowned, patted her on the back, spoke words of comfort.
Ayano walked away.
xoxoxoxoxox
"That's not right."
Ayano looked over to Shintaro. "Hm? What's not right?"
He pointed at her sheet music. "There's a key change in this section. You keep forgetting to play a flat here."
He was right, of course. Arrogant he may be, but arrogant he was for a reason: She'd known him for hardly a day, and she could already tell he was always right. "Oh. Okay, I'll try to remember for next time."
She made a small mark next to the note, and out of the corner of her eye, she could see Shintaro roll his eyes. His own sheet music was spotless.
How I envy him. I wish I were as good at flute as he was.
You wish you were as good at anything as he was.
Yeah. That too.
Isn't that kind of pathetic? Instead of wishing for his talents, shouldn't you be practicing harder?
I do practice, though. I practice everything. A lot.
Well, clearly it's not enough.
It's my best.
The teacher came over and asked her to play the piece through. Ayano did, and she missed the flat.
Of course.
xoxoxoxoxox
"Can you keep a secret?"
One nervous smile, one reassuring smile.
"Of course."
xoxoxoxoxox
How did I manage to miss that flat again?
Because you're worthless. That's why.
No, I'm not. I just didn't practice hard enough.
Ha! Really? How many hours did you spend on that section last night? Two hours, right? But you still got it wrong.
I'll practice harder.
It won't do you much good.
I'll do it anyway.
xoxoxoxoxoxox
"That's wrong."
"Huh? Really?"
"It should be a real number, not an integer. Prices are real numbers."
"Oh... You're right. I'll fix it."
"Sure."
xoxoxoxoxoxoxox
"Hey."
Ayano looked up in anticipation, waiting eagerly to see who was talking to her. "Yes?"
It wasn't anyone she knew.
"Can you keep a secret?"
She spread her corners of her lips wide, put her sandwich down. "Of course."
xoxoxoxoxoxoxox
...I wish Kano, Kido, and Seto were in high school.
What? Are you feeling lonely?
Yes.
You're pathetic. If you're lonely, just go make friends.
...I don't know who to make friends with.
Make friends with Emile. Or Jez. Or Li. Or that Shintaro fellow. ANYONE.
...I don't know any of them, though.
So you're not going to become friends with any of them?
...
And you complain about being lonely.
But...
... Never mind.
xoxoxoxoxoxoxox
"...Hey, Shintaro."
"What do you need help with?" What do you need help with - this time.
"...Um... Well... Are you free any time this week? I thought we could...have a study group together...or something..."
"What would I get out of it?"
"...Um..."
"Fine. How's Friday, after school?"
"I... I can't. I'm...busy after school."
"Then when are you not busy?"
"...Weekends?"
"I'm busy on weekends. Are you busy all day on all weekdays?"
That was a good question. She couldn't quite come up with an answer.
...Why am I so busy?
You're not.
Yes, I am.
No, you're not.
But I know for sure I can't come-
Because you're a little coward and you don't want to make any friends.
...That's not true.
Then tell me. Why can't you come?
xoxoxoxoxoxox
"Ayano? Ayano, are you in there?"
Ayano blinked and jolted upright. Well, not upright; just up. She'd been staring down at the sink, watching the water run out of the faucet, transfixed by its colour. How long had she been standing, motionless, like that?"
"Y-Yeah!" she called back, twisting the faucet shut, forcing herself to look away from the water's sparkling beauty. "I'll be out in a sec!"
Pathetic. You just wasted so much time on nothing.
She unlocked the door and stared into Kido's dull black eyes.
"I'm done," Ayano said cheerily. "You can use it now."
Kido nodded. "Okay."
She thinks I'm pathetic, doesn't she? She's complaining in her head about how I wasted so much time in there.
No, she's not. Kido wouldn't think that.
Could she say that for sure, though?
She was finding it difficult to say.
xoxoxoxoxox
Pathetic. Pathetic, pathetic, pathetic.
No, I'm not.
Yes you are.
I'm not!
Prove it.
I... I... I'm...
I thought so.
So I guess I really am pathetic after all?
Well, I must be. If I can't prove myself otherwise.
...I'm so pathetic. I can't even make myself think that I'm not worthless.
...Just how useless am I?
xoxoxoxoxoxox
"Can you keep a secret?"
xoxoxoxoxoxox
For the first time in her life, she knew how those nameless people felt.
She wanted to talk to someone. She needed to talk to someone. She had to rant to someone about all these thoughts she was having, her patheticness, her worthlessness, her slowly disintegrating confidence, her disappearing happiness. Every day it was harder and harder for her to step out of bed, for her to smile at Shintaro in the morning and make a simple greeting, for her to sit through what felt like hours and hours of heartfelt, emotional speech at the end of the school day, for her to return home and sit with her family and laugh and smile and joke as though she wasn't experiencing this emotional turmoil inside her.
She needed to talk someone before she started to believe the things she told herself.
Am I pathetic? Surely not. I can't be. Can I? Maybe I am.
If she talked to someone else, maybe she'd be able to understand these thoughts better. Maybe talking to someone would somehow fix things.
It took her a week to decide that, yes, talking to someone would probably be the wisest course of action. But who could she talk to?
She didn't want to tell her parents. She just... Couldn't. Her parents were always there for her, yes, but she knew how highly they thought of her, and how desperately they wanted her to succeed in life, just as they had. She didn't want to confide in them of her problems and destroy all their hopes and dreams.
She didn't want to tell Kido. She could, she knew she could, but she also knew how Kido would respond: With silence. Kido would sit there with her bottomless black eyes as Ayano poured her heart out, and at the end of it all, Kido would simply cock her head to the side and say, "So?" And Ayano would have to answer, and she wouldn't have an answer.
She didn't want to tell Kano. She knew he'd listen to her. He idolized her. He'd do anything for her. But he was such a jokester - if she told him, he surely wouldn't take her seriously. The thought of being brushed off as unimportant, as a mere little speck of dust - simply because Kano never had the capacity to take anything seriously - it was something that she didn't think she'd be able to handle.
She didn't want to tell Seto, for the exact same reason she didn't want to tell her parents: He thought of her as his Big Sis, the one person he could always look up to, the one person he wanted to be. If she told him all of this, it would shatter his view of her. And she liked being thought of as the one, the only, the ultimate Big Sis. She wasn't willing to sacrifice that title simply to be able to unload her thoughts onto someone else.
But if she didn't tell them, who else could she tell?
No one, that was who.
...Pathetic.
xoxoxoxoxox
"Can you keep a secret?"
She laughed, and laughed, and laughed, until she felt breathless and the stranger looked nervous enough to bolt.
"Yes. Yes, I can."
xoxoxoxoxox
"You said something about a study group a few weeks ago."
"Oh, that's not a problem anymore."
"...Really?"
"Yeah. I can manage on my own."
"Really."
"Yes. Yes, I can."
xoxoxoxoxox
She was sick and tired of it. She didn't have the energy to keep smiling every day but somehow every morning she got caught up in the rush and joy of her siblings and it would make her smile for a split second, and then she'd have to force herself to keep smiling because if she stopped it would just be weird, and then in school she would mess up and mess up over and over again and she'd scream at herself mentally and she'd yell at herself and reprimand herself and smile at the teacher and ask for a quiz retake, and then laugh and apologize when the teacher politely refused.
She needed to talk to someone.
She didn't want to talk to someone.
She wanted to just...
xoxoxoxoxox
Pathetic. Pathetic pathetic pathetic.
I know.
I hate this! I hate this! Why do I have to be this way?
I just am.
I can't be the only one like this, can I? Can I?
Probably not.
But I probably am. I'm not the only one with these kinds of feelings but I'm the only person DUMB and COWARDLY enough to not get help. I hate it!
...I know.
xoxoxoxoxox
She entered room 301 one afternoon after school to find someone already sitting at her desk.
The someone looked up as she approached. "Hey."
She smiled back. It felt like a bland, forced smile but she knew from countless glances in mirrors that it looked just as genuine as her past smiles had been. "Hey, Shintaro. What are you doing?"
He moved one seat over to the place where he usually sat, and she took her customary seat. "I asked around, and I figured out that you always study here after school. And you did say that you needed help with studying."
I never said that. Did I? I can't remember. But even if I hadn't say it, it's still obvious, isn't it? I guess I really am stupid enough that everyone knows I need study help.
"I guess I did, huh? But you really didn't have to come help me."
He stared down at his paper and drew lazy spirals in the margins. "I don't have anything better to do."
Nothing better to do than waste time with a worthless piece of trash like me? That's unlikely.
"If you say so."
Just then, she heard pattering footsteps, and looked up just in time to see someone poke their head into the room.
"Can-"
The person blanched as they noticed Shintaro sitting, motionless, glaring, at Ayano's side.
"...Er... Never mind. I'll come back tomorrow."
The person left, and Shintaro turned to Ayano and asked, "What was that about?"
Ayano laughed.
"Nothing."
xoxoxoxoxox
Stupid! Stupid! That was the perfect chance! That was the perfect chance, and you just BLEW IT!
I know, I know, I'm sorry, it was stupid of me.
Idiot! Idiot! How could you?
I'm sorry.
xoxoxoxoxox
Shintaro was there the next day, too.
And the next.
And the next.
xoxoxoxoxox
She was feeling more and more desperate with each passing day.
xoxoxoxoxox
"Ayano? Ayano? Hey, are you okay?"
Her head jerked up. "Huh? What?"
Shintaro was staring at her with slightly narrowed eyes. "You just zoned out for a few minutes. Are you tired?"
She'd been beating herself up for misspelling "they're" three times in a single paragraph. How could you make such an elementary mistake three times? "No. It's nothing."
"What's wrong?"
She wanted to stay it. Instead, she burst out laughing.
"Hey - Hey, Shintaro." She giggled and held a finger over her lips. "Can you keep a secret?"
She exploded into laughter again at the blank expression on his face.
xoxoxoxoxox
...If he ever says yes, then I'll tell him. I swear I will.
I swear.
xoxoxoxoxox
"Yes."
She looked up from her worksheet and stared at him. "Eh? What?"
He was staring back with sallow, bleary eyes. "You asked, last week, if I can keep a secret. Yes."
Was he saying what she thought he was saying?
"I know what you did with the other students. It was a pretty dumb thing to do - you really didn't have to take their burden from them; even without you, they would've just ranted to their friends, or siblings, or parents, or whoever could listen. It wasn't necessary for you to volunteer."
Idiot.
I know.
"But I'll listen. I can keep a secret. What is it?"
She'd finally found someone who would listen to her. Finally, after all these months and months of hatred and fear and loathing and disgust.
But as she opened her mouth to reply, she found that her voice had vanished.
Did she really want to say it?
Not really.
She could fix this on her own. Couldn't she? She didn't have to be weak like the other people had been. She was stronger than that. Better than that. She could work through this on her own. Without asking somebody else for help.
So she shut her mouth, shook her head, and said, "I don't know what you're talking about."
He wouldn't stop staring at her.
She looked back down to her worksheet and drew quarter notes on a grand staff.
xoxoxoxox
What a lie.
No it wasn't.
I'll MAKE it true.
How can you do that? You didn't even have enough courage to SAY IT OUT LOUD. How are you going to find the courage to fix it on your own?
She had an answer to that. She was certain that she did. She just couldn't think of it at the moment.
xoxoxoxoxox
She knew how to fix it.
xoxoxoxoxox
She skipped computer science. She sat in a washroom on the third floor and stared at her watch, watched the numbers tick, tick, past and past, toward the end of the day. The moment the numbers hit 3:14, she left the stall and walked down the hall toward room 301. People were flooding the halls and shoving her all around, but she didn't notice, or at least she didn't care.
She entered the classroom. The only other occupant was the teacher, who nodded at her as she entered. Ayano had just taken her seat when the teacher left. He hadn't even noticed that Ayano hadn't brought her schoolbag with her.
It was spring.
The room was a little stuffy.
She opened up the window.
"Ayano? You weren't in computer science."
She breathed in the scent of spring air. Earth, flowers, pollen, cold. Mmm.
She turned and leaned back on the windowsill. She could feel the cool spring breeze blow at her back.
"Oh, hey, Shintaro! How are you doing?"
Shintaro was staring at her with confusion. Or dread. It was so hard to tell.
She felt more alive than she'd felt in months. Had it really been this easy? Was this all she'd needed, all along, to be able to smile and laugh freely again?
"Ayano, what are you doing?"
She brought her legs up, sat on the window ledge; held on firmly with both hands.
She pressed a finger to her lips and smiled. "Hey, Shintaro. Can you keep a secret?"
His eyes widened ever so slightly.
She'd never felt as welcomed in her life as she did here, perched in the window. Shintaro was in front of her, the spring wind at her back. She was alone with that eager, eager breeze and her best friend - because, really, she and Shintaro had become best friends, hadn't they? - and both were ready to listen to the things she'd kept cooped up in her heart for so, so long.
"...Yes," Shintaro whispered, and his feet were stepping forward, slowly, slowly.
She beamed. "Really? That's nice to hear."
And she let loose.
x
x
x
xxxAYANOxxx
x
A/N: Don't ask if she dies.
So, as usual, feel free to drop a quick note about what you thought of my fic. Constructive criticism is always appreciated, even in the form of flames (although it will be appreciated significantly less when in the form of flames, so be warned). Thanks for reading!