Pffft! I blame those cute fanarts of Varia as harmonic family!
Title: Buon Compleanno, Papa Xanxus!
Characters/Pairings: Varia minus Gola Mosca/XS, B26, Siel26, VipB26
Rating: T
Genre: Family/Humor
Summary: AU. A tsundere wife, two psychopathic sons, two androgynous sons, a gay son, and an annoying slave; nevertheless, Xanxus was grateful for their love. For Xanxus' birthday!
Warnings: alternate reality, OOC-ness, Levi's minimal existence.
Disclaimer: Amano Akira owns Kateikyoushi Hitman Reborn!
Status: unbeta-ed
BUON COMPLEANNO, PAPA XANXUS!
Ah…a beautiful Sunday morning. A perfect day where males were allowed to sleep all day, without a care in the world. In addition, a certain black haired male with scars on his body and cheek planned the same thing. Sadly, a very beautiful (?) voice ruined his plan.
"VOOOOOOOOIIIIIIIIIII! WHAT SHOULD I DO WITH THESE VEGGIES NEXT?"
The moody man sat up, eyes glaring dangerously at empty space despite the sleepy look on his face. "*beep*ing scum…"
This is Varia Orphanage, a famous orphanage, known for its eccentric caretakers and orphans. There was not a single day where they would not shout at each other or sounds of breakables smashed to pieces. One would wonder why they had not kill each other by now, but one should learn that the familial bond those barbaric people created was second-to-none.
The orphanage owned by a scary guy named Xanxus. He was the main source of money and the reason as to why the orphanage existed in the first place. Apparently, he was an orphan as well, and an old man who was the head of a prestigious family picked him up because he did not have any successors for his wealth. However, he disliked the upperclassmen society, so he distanced himself from them and built the orphanage, to recompense his deceased caretakers.
Xanxus did not maintain the orphanage all alone. He was helped by his lover—yes, lover as in two people dating each other and spreading love-love auras whenever there was just the two of them in a room—Squalo, a beauty with pretty long hair that would easily made a girl envy him. Although they often involved in verbal fights (because Squalo gifted with extremely loud voice, which will cause headache to everyone, and Xanxus was not an exception), they were competent caretakers and they cared for each other as much as they care for their children.
Not biological children, silly.
By children, we referred to those orphans they took care of. Moreover, like their 'parents', the children were quite abnormal.
First, there was a guy named Lussuria. Xanxus found him lived in a brothel and abused by the prostitutes, so he took him in. Unfortunately, the red district society affected him so much that he changed his sexual orientation—he stated it out loud that he preferred males to females when it comes to soul mate—and even flirt with Xanxus from time to time. Well, he knew that Xanxus and Squalo loved each other, so he promised that he would not be so serious.
Next, there were two handsome twins with goldilocks and they loved to smile, Belphegor and Rasiel. Squalo found them when they were still small infants, tucked in a box and left in the orphanage's doorstep. Rasiel—or Siel for short—was the older of the two, but he loved to pick on Bel—Belphegor's official nickname—and that caused the younger prince to despise him, thus leading to their never-ending competitions and rivalry. There was not a single day where they would not throw tantrums at each other and fought, be it for academic subject or physical subject. They even competed to see who would win their sisters—sorry, we mean, androgynous brothers' heart.
Fran and Mammon were the names of said androgynous brothers. Unlike the rest of the orphanage children, they knew who their parents were. Apparently, their parents were friends to Xanxus and Squalo, and they died in an accident. Both children were quiet, but they were unique as well. Mammon, a year older than Fran, loved money so much he could open businesses anywhere and anytime from anything. Fran had some kind of disorder that disallowed him to neither feel any pain nor make any expressions. They were so adorable that the twins wanted them to be their lovers (blame their 'parents' for this).
Oh and there was one last member of this dysfunctional family. His name was Levi, and he was a servant from the family who raised Xanxus. That guy was a total creep, and he developed obsession toward Xanxus for unknown reason. Period.
Back to the story.
Today, the orphanage also filled with disturbing noises since early morning. By disturbing noises, we were referring to inappropriate words that supposedly never spoken to youngsters.
"VOOOIII, BEL! IF YOU JUST WANT TO MAKE A MESS, GET OUT OF THE *BEEP*ING KITCHEN!"
"Shishishi! Mamma, you should pay attention on the soup."
"WHAT THE—VOOOOOOIIIIIIIII! WHY IT TURNS PURPLE?"
"There, there, Mamma Squ~ let me handle this."
Xanxus, who was forced to wake up because his 'wife' spoke way too loud, walked away from his room after he redressed and immediately headed into the kitchen, going so far as to ignore Levi's morning greetings. When he arrived, the sight of Squalo, Lussuria, and the twins destroying the kitchen— literally—welcomed him.
"No, no, don't put it in there!" Lussuria chirped. "Aah…it turned green…"
"W-WHA…THIS IS RIDICULOUS! THE *BEEP*ING INGREDIENT THAT I THROW IN DOESN'T EVEN HAVE GREEN COLOR!" Squalo panicked.
"Shishishi! As expected of Mamma, he can't cook properly," Bel commented dryly.
Siel was about to make a witty comment as well, but because he noticed Xanxus' presence on the doorway of the kitchen, he turned to him and grinned as usual. "Buon giorno, Papa."
The statement alone was enough to make the other three stopped their activities and turned around to see the orphanage's owner. Xanxus glared at them, and Squalo, who had been together with him for years, comprehended what did the glare meant: "what-are-you-doing-so-early-in-the-morning-you-worthless-scums?"
"I was trying to make breakfast, but it turned out bad," Squalo said without waiting for Xanxus to state his question.
"I told him he will never be able to make one," Bel laughed his usual 'shishishi'.
"I'm sorry, Papa, Bel-chan, and Siel-chan," Lussuria touched his cheek, intending to look guiltily cute, though he prevailed. "I think we'll have toasts as breakfast today. You don't mind, do you?"
Xanxus just scoffed and strode out of the kitchen. Seeing no point of staying in that messed-up place, the twins tailed behind him while grinning as usual. Squalo and Lussuria, the ones who were responsible to fix the dirtied kitchen, looked at each other and instead of showing depressed look, they traded a meaningful grin.
Apparently, the noisiness did not end there.
After breakfast, the members of the orphanage continued with whatever activity they wanted to do. In addition, because there were four peculiar kids in this orphanage, you can expect more shouts coming from their mamma because they were making more messes.
"VOOOOOOIIIII! BEL! SIEL! STOP POKING AT EACH OTHER WITH BUTTER KNIVES!" Squalo's lovely voice rang throughout the whole room.
"Shesheshe! He started it, Mamma!" Siel accused, pointing at his brother with his knife.
"I won't start it if you don't make me mad!" Bel countered, mirroring his brother's action.
"What did I do?"
"You were trying to kiss Franny!"
"So? You were with Mammon, go accompany him instead!"
"Both Franny and Mammon are mine!"
"We're not objects," Fran tried to butt into the conversation, but failed because the twins ignored him and continued with their heated debates.
"WELL, I DON'T CARE WHOSE FAULT IT IS IN THE FIRST PLACE, JUST STOP THE *BEEP*ING POKE WAR!" Squalo yelled again, forcefully taking away the knives from Bel and Siel.
Usually, after their favorite toys—the knives, of course—taken away from them, the twins would cry. Today was no exception. They scurried away from the fuming Squalo to their papa, who was sitting on his favorite couch in the living room and reading newspaper, and hugged his legs while faking cry: "PAPAAA! MAMMA IS BEING MEAN TO US!"
"VOOOOOOOOIIIII! WHAT DO YOU MEAN I'M MEAN?"
Xanxus glanced at the twins, slightly annoyed that his reading time was disturbed. He then gave Squalo another glare and said, "Stop scaring the kids with your loud voice, scum."
"I'M NOT TRYING TO SCARE THEM, AND YOU KNOW I CAN'T STOP BEING LOUD!" Squalo scoffed.
"Shut up."
"YOU CAN'T ORDER ME AROUND!"
"Yes I can." In addition, with a swift movement, Xanxus reached for Squalo, who was standing close to him, and yanked his hair, causing the younger man to scream his trademark "VOOOOOOOOOOOOIIIIIIIII!"
"Papa Xanxus~ you shouldn't do that," Lussuria came in, helping Squalo to untangle his hair from Xanxus' fingers. "You like Mamma Squ's hair too, right? If you do this, they'll fall off in no time~!"
Scowling, Xanxus got up from his seat after he released Squalo's hair from his grasp. Everyone frowned as they saw him walking toward the exit door, grabbing his mantle from the clothes tree on the process.
"Voi, Xanxus! Where are you going?" Squalo inquired although he was still a bit annoyed.
"Tavern. I ran out of my tequilas."
He lied, of course. He was simply tired of all the shouts and argues he heard coming from his 'wife' and 'children'. Honestly, what kind of fate he has to go through? Although, a few shots of alcohol from his favorite tavern probably would make him feel better. Not to mention the bartender of said tavern was—sorry, we are a bit sidetracked.
Hence, Xanxus headed to his regular tavern. Squalo watched him walked farther and farther until he could not see his figure, before a wide smirk spread across his face. He spun on his heels and look at his 'children' and servant, who were grinning enthusiastically.
"Operation: Surprise Him, begin!"
"Roger that, Mamma!"
The entrance door of Black Bacarra swung open, and entered with the aura of authority was Xanxus. The tavern was quite empty. It was to be expected, considering the fact that it was not noon yet, so the drinkers would not be here. Sounds of water used to rinse glasses and plates filled the room, and a voice welcomed him,
"Kufufu…welcome, Xanxus."
Xanxus glanced at the figure that was standing behind the counter. "Give me some Centerba."
The figure turned around, revealing his real appearance: a pineapple-styled, indigo-colored hair guy with mismatched eyes. "So early in the morning? You're having a fight with Squalo, huh?" he asked.
"Shut up and give me what I wanted."
The bartender, also known as Rokudou Mukuro, chuckled but obliged nonetheless. He picked a bottle from the rack and poured it into a wine glass, before he gave it to Xanxus. The older man sipped it quietly, and when he noticed that Mukuro was staring at him with that smug grin of his, he asked, "What?"
"You hadn't answered my question yet."
Xanxus growled. "Why do you want to know?"
"Hey, I'm your friend, right? Friends are supposed to comfort each other...kufufu!"
"…They're just being noisy, as usual."
"Oh?" Mukuro's eyes gleamed with idle curiosity, "Are they preparing decorations?"
The scary-looking customer frowned. "What decorations?"
"Have you forgotten? It's your special day, isn't it?"
Because it seemed that Xanxus had really forgotten what day was today, Mukuro flipped open his cell phone and pointed the date at Xanxus. The black haired guy read it for a moment, taking a few seconds to register and process it with his brain—that was working so slow that day for unknown reason—and finally got up from his seat. He was about to leave the tavern when Mukuro grabbed his arm, preventing him to walk away.
"You forgot to pay," the bartender said, chuckling quietly.
Xanxus shot him a glare, but paid for the beverage anyway. After that, he tried to leave the tavern once again, but Mukuro stopped him…again.
"What do you want now, scum?" he was determined to hit Mukuro with the nearest object he could grab if that guy tried to make him stay longer. However, his anger diminished when Mukuro shoved a bottle of Fernet Branca, tied with black frilly ribbons.
"Buon compleanno, my regular customer. Hope you can enjoy this with your 'wife'…Kufufu."
Xanxus said nothing, but he accepted the gift. Now that Mukuro had said everything that he wanted to say, he waved at Xanxus as the guy left his tavern.
"Mamma, can you put this on the front door?"
Squalo looked up and saw Lussuria shoving a small board with a big 'WELCOME' written on it, specially made by Fran and Mammon. "Go ask Levi to do it!"
"Neh~ but Levi is busy," Lussuria pointed at Levi, who was trying to put on balloons on the walls. It was harder to do it because Bel and Siel kept bugging him.
Scowling, Squalo took the board and walked away to the door. When he swung it open, the door hit something hard from outside, but no other sound made. Frowning, the silver-haired caretaker peeked out of the door and his face paled in horror.
"X-XANXUS! Y-you're back!"
Yes, he just pushed the door to hit Xanxus, right on his face. The man himself wore his usual expression: death glare and sulky look. Squalo grinned nervously, but tried his best not to show it in front of him. Lussuria, who was curious as to why Squalo stood still behind the half-opened door, approached him and was surprised to find Xanxus stood behind the door.
"Oh~ Papa! Welcome back!" the effeminate boy smiled, causing his 'siblings' and servant to turn their attention at the doorway as well.
"Hn," was Xanxus' sole reply as he pulled open the door, making Squalo to step away so the man could enter the house. When he did, he was a bit surprised because the orphanage had been turned into a small party hall.
Balloons with different colors tied on the wall, along with pretty-colored ribbons—courtesy of Levi's hard works. The furniture was rearranged neatly to create more space so they could fit in a huge table, where different kind of dishes—made by Lussuria, of course—were served. He had not regained his composure when Bel, Fran, Mammon, and Siel gathered around him, hands holding crème paper rolls and trumpet whistle. Without warning, they blew them—effectively snapping Xanxus out of his state of shock.
"Buon compleanno, Papa!" they shouted in unison before Xanxus could scold them.
"Master Xanxus! Buon compleanno!" Levi followed, smiling (creepily).
"Papa Xanxus~ do you like what we prepared for you?" Luss inquired, also grinning.
Because Xanxus is Xanxus, he merely nodded affirmatively, but that was enough to make them happy.
"Now, Papa, go cut the birthday cake already," asked Bel.
"Yes, we want to taste it," Mammon agreed.
Normally, Xanxus would refuse to do their demands. Nevertheless, it seemed that he softened a bit because today was his birthday, so he approached the table, where a huge birthday cake waited for him. He took a knife from Levi and sliced it, did not bother to wait for any birthday song to be sing. Everyone clapped as he put the slice on a paper plate and directed their attention to Squalo, who had been very quiet since Xanxus returned.
"Oi, shark," Xanxus' called out, snapping the silver-haired guy out of his thoughts. "Come and get your cake."
"Oh—err, yeah."
Squalo immediately took his cake from Xanxus and intended to sit down somewhere to eat it when Fran spoke up: "You're not going to kiss Papa as a thank you?"
"V-VOOOOOOOOIIIIII! THERE'S NO WAY I'M GOING TO DO THAT IN FRONT OF KIDS!" snarled Squalo, his cheeks flushed slightly.
As per usual, instead of following his orders, the foursome persisted. "Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!"
"VOOOOOOOOIIIIIIIII! QUIT IT!"
"YEAH, QUIT IT, KIDS!" Levi added. He was jealous because Squalo could be paired with his beloved master. Why they never paired him with Xanxus? Only God knows why.
"Shut up, scum, you hurt my ears," Xanxus scowled, obviously directed at Squalo.
"BLAME THE KIDS, WILL Y—UMMMPH!"
Yeah, you guessed right. Xanxus silenced his dear lover with his mouth a.k.a. giving him a deep kiss. Lussuria immediately covered Bel's and Siel's eyes and asked Levi to cover Fran's and Mammon's eyes. The kids were throwing tantrums, demanding to see the censored scene. The hands that covered their eyes were removed once Xanxus pulled away from a red-faced and out-of-breath Squalo.
"Luss-nee is so mean," Fran sulked.
"Damn, and I was planning to catch it for blackmail purposes too," said the annoyed Mammon.
"Shesheshe! Shall we cooperate for once and punish him, fratello?" Rasiel suggested, glancing at his younger brother.
"Sure, Siel. I'd be glad to," Bel complied.
"Master…why? Why the *beeping* shark got to kiss Master?" Levi cried.
"V-VOOOOOOIIII! STOP BLABBERING NONSENSES, ALL OF YOU!"
"Um-hmm~! Why don't we eat first, dearie? I cooked steaks for all of you!" Lussuria said, inching away from his furious 'brothers'. "Come, Papa, Mamma, and Levi! Let's sit down and eat!"
Xanxus nodded and watched his children and servant sat down, circling around the tables. Yeah, maybe his family consisted of weird and noisy people, but he was content. A tsundere wife, two psychopathic sons, two androgynous sons, a gay son, and an annoying servant; nevertheless, Xanxus was grateful for their love. Because this is his family, a place where he truly belong—the Varia Orphanage.
FIN
Rushed this…only ten minutes until the day changed! BUON COMPLEANNO, PAPA XANXUS! XD
Oh and reviews? Don't tell me to fix my grammar, I know I'm sucks! *fumbles through beta readers page*