All I could ever be to you is a darkness we once knew.
And this deep regret I had to get accustomed to.
Once it felt so right.
Anticipation at its high.
Lifting weight in hotel rooms late at night.
Grief. Immeasurable grief. That was all I felt, all I could feel. I blinked back my tears, careful not to damage the elaborate make-up design that graced my face. Why was I crying? Why did I even care about stupid Beck and stupid Tori? Why was I even watching this? I didn't need them. I had an awards show to attend to—Tori's dream show, to be exact. I had what she wanted. Then again, she had what I wanted… So I guess we were even.
I knew I hadn't met my match,
With every moment we could snatch.
I don't know why I let myself get so attached.
It's my responsibility,
You don't owe nothing to me.
But to cut myself off I had no capacity.
What remained of my heart post-Beck seemed to plunge further into my stomach with every inch he took closer to her. How could he do this to me? How could he throw away two years like it was an empty bottle of his favorite hair product? —- actually, no. He'd probably be a lot more gentle with the hair product. He wouldn't just leave it hanging outside of Tori fucking Vega's front door.
He walks away,
The sun goes down,
He takes the day, but I am grown.
And in your grey, in this cool shade,
My tears dry on their own.
It was all her fault. Everything had been great—perfect, even—before she showed up to Hollywood Arts. Beck had eyes for me and only me before she came in with her perfect cheekbones and happy-go-lucky personality and her sunny outlook on life! Everything just came so easy for her. Parents who actually gave a shit about her, supportive friends, admission to Hollywood Arts without even an audition, every lead role in every school play, even having the pleasure of kissing my (ex-)boyfriend her second day at school.
I don't understand, why do I stress a man?
When there's so many bigger things than him at hand.
We could've never had it all,
We had to hit a wall,
And this is inevitable withdrawal.
Even if I stop wanting you,
A perspective pushes true,
I'll be some next man's other woman soon.
But ever since she came into the picture, it seems all he does is come to her rescue and defend her. And now, there he was. Leaning into the lips that led to our downfall. I felt wronged. Cheated, even. I knew we'd broken up but I'd been in denial the past couple weeks following our break-up, always so confident that it was just another one and we'd back in each other's company within a few days. But this time, it was different. Maybe he really didn't love me anymore, maybe he had finally stopped.
I shouldn't play myself again,
I should just be my own best friend,
Not fuck myself in the head with stupid men.
I had been torturing myself for days, trying to figure out the exact moment he fell out of love with me. I didn't want to face the fact that we had grown apart a long time ago. But I felt, in that moment outside the Vega residence, that he would emerge from the door any moment to take me in his arms and reassure me that I had his heart for keeps. However, as soon as I reached nine, I knew I was out of luck. For a brief second, I considered reaching for the door myself, finally deciding to be the bigger person and apologize. But I couldn't. I guess I have no one to blame but myself for that.
He walks away,
The sun goes down,
He takes the day, but I am grown.
And in your grey, in this cool shade,
My tears dry on their own.
Maybe I was wrong all along. Instead of blaming Tori, blaming Beck, I should've taken the blame myself. I was coming to terms with the fact that my selfish and jealous ways pushed him away. I suppose I always like this, so possessive. I figure when you love someone with all your heart, it seems all too easy for someone else to swoop in and take them from your grasp and far from your reach. And that was my mentality in my relationship with Beck, to keep him close.
Wish I could say no regrets,
And no emotional debts.
And as we kiss goodbye, the sun behind you sets.
So we are history,
Your shadow covers me.
The sky above ablaze that only lovers see.
It was my own fault. My jealousy drove the man I loved into the arms of the girl I kept him from most. My vindictive scheme that stole the spotlight from the girl that really deserved it. And that led them to each other. I had to admit, it seemed like they really deserved each other. Still, a part of me was still so selfish in wanting him back and all to myself. But where did my selfish habits leave me? Morphed into an unrecognizable creature backstage at a performance I did not earn watching my karma play out on a laptop screen.
He walks away,
The sun goes down.
He takes the day, but I am grown.
Tears gathered at the edge of my eyes. My heart, still recovering from the last time Beck Oliver came around, was unprepared for something of this magnitude. It hurt enough seeing them together every day, but this…? This was a fate I wouldn't send to my very worst enemy. Despite their close proximity, Tori pulled back before their lips could make contact.
"I can't do that to a friend."
Once again, Tori had proved herself as the perfect girl. No matter how many times I had rejected her advances at friendship, sabotaged her, tried to steal her spotlight, she was still looking out for me. I owed her, and I hated it. The hurt look strewn on Beck's face broke my own heart. He was disappointed whereas I was relieved. I couldn't hand him over to her—not yet. I exhaled a thousand feelings and sunk in the make-up chair hovering and released my strong grip of the edge of the vanity.
I dabbed under my eyes to find them dry. Maybe I'd be okay after all.
Baby, in your grey, in this cool shade,
My tears dry on their own.