If someone asked how they'd ended up like this neither woman would have been able to calculate an answer. They had been watching a movie pnly minutes earlier, one of Carlas ideas to soothe Michelle's heightening temper as she seethed about Robert through gritted teeth.
'how dare he mention my babies name, how DARE he!' Michelle had paced across the kitchen of Carlas flat, hands flailing wildly in the air, Carla stood by the door, hands wringing her hands, wary of Michelle when in such a state. 'I tried to want a baby, for him, i tried..' she paused, stopping in front of Carla before sighing heavily, all the anger dissipating as she fell into the older womans arms.'how can I have another baby Carla, it hurts- hurts too much in here' hands pressing deeply into her chest, eyes pleading with the older womans, seeking for some kind of explanation.
An explanation that Carla couldn't give, no words to explain that the pain never dulls, not after 1 year, not after 5.Instead she cradled Michelle into her arms and let her cry. Stroking her hair softly and letting her know that she was there. She'd always be there.
The movie had dulled, the plot thinning and nearing the end, however neither woman cared for it. Carla too busy topping their wine, Michelle clutching to her friends top, as if she were to float away.
The calm was cut by Michelles jarred movements. Gripping the remote and switching the screen off, before slamming it back to rest on the glass table surface. At her sharp movement, Carla had flinched, watching Michelles knuckles turn white against the large wine glass in her hand. Her eyes flickered to Michelle's lips; thin and drawn out, pale with the pressure of the other one, tightly pressed together, unmoving. Michelle's eyes were glazed, staring at the blank screen.
The silence was deafening. Awkward with unspoken words.
'Chelle' Carla spoke softly, the noise bouncing harshly off the apartment walls as she cringed at how desperate she sounded. 'Chelle, speak to me, please'.
Another crash sounded, this time the wine glass the recipient of the younger brunettes unnecessary force to replace it on the table, the crimson liquid sloshing over the rim, dripping from the sides and pooling at the base. The woman rose and turned on Carla, eyes flashing dangerously at the older woman. 'Why did I listen to you?!' She spoke calmly, although her body language said otherwise. 'I should have just agreed to have another baby, instead of letting you dictate my life like you always do'.
Carla knew to expect this. Michelle's moods constantly swinging from one end of the spectrum tp the other in a moment. One second bouncing off the walls, the next crying, the next shouting and curling abuse at the older woman, both verbal and physical.
Carla stepped towards her, her bodies response to seeing Michelle in pain. She was confused, all she'd said was that Michelle had to be the one to make the decision, telling her that she still remembers her little girl, imagines, whst she'd look like, the clothes she'd wear, the sports she'd play. 'What do you mean? I only said you needed to make the decision, i could never, would never want to force you into something', Carla's voice raised ever so slightly, offended by Michelle's thought of her help previously.
'Robert told me you're trying to split us up, Carla. He told me everything okay? About the messages, the notes, the whispering in my ear about how Robert and I want different things!' her tone was accusing, slow and precise, trying to get a reaction from the older woman. Michelle didnt really believe Robert, but she was so angry, angry at him, angry at herself for being weak. Carla just happened to be in the firing line, unlucky enough to be Michelles emotional punch bag, stupid enough to stay.
'Your being rediculous Chelle' Carla stated, shaking her head, her voice hitching slightly, hurt creeping into her mind. 'You were happy with Robert, really happy! An idiot could see that so why would I try to break you--'
'BECAUSE YOUR JEALOUS' Michelle shouted, nostrils flaring, wanting to hurt the other woman so she'd leave her alone.
'you deserve to be alone' Michelle thought, ' you dont deserve a baby and you dont deserve Carla'.
Michelle stared at Carla, her outburst seemingly not having the desires effect, as her friend just looked confused, cocking her head slightly to the side in amusement. Her laughter angered the younger woman even more, wanting to wipe the smile off her face for not taking her serioulsy. "Me and Robert?" she scoffed, the tone in her voice infuriating the other woman. "I dont know what you're insinuating, darlingbut that ships sailed."
'You cant stand to see anyone happy can you?' Michelle seeted through gritted teeth, pleased when the smile faded from Carlas face. 'You hate it when anyone is happy because no one can bare to stay with you. Paul had to find pleasure in other places for Gods sake, Tony, you pushed to psychopathy, and dont get me started on Frank' Michelle teased Carla, only doubting her words when a flash of pain etched on the older womans face.
Maybe she'd pushed her too far, Frank was a touchy subject at the best of times. Carla would leave now, maybe for good, but Michelle deserved it. As fast as her face had shown pain, it was solemn again, walls rebuilt, chest rising and falling in anger.
Carla wasnt going anywhere, she was going to fight back. She'd had it with Michelle and having to walk on Robert shaped egg shells around her, tired of the constant arguing.
It wasnt witty, and Carla wasnt proud, but in the moment of pain it was all she could come up with. 'How is Dean?' Carla asked Michelle sarcastically, eyes glaring into the younger brunettes hotly.
She'd expected the slap, but the sheer force of it still made her stumble backwards, clutching her cheek. Im retrospect, her defence mechanism, to avoid getting hurt was to hurt the other party, hence not giving them the chance to break her frail façade and send her tumbling off the wagon once more. Gazing up at Michelle, she was reminded of the last time they'd fought like this.
'why'd the police question you Carla 'ey? They think your involved dont they, they think thats why you went to the States!' Michelle fumed, her grip on Carlas arm painful, her breath hot on Carlas cheek.
'LET GO OF ME' Carla boomed, not wanting the fear to show in her eyes, even then Michelle could read her like a book. 'WHAT SO YOU CAN RUN AWAY AGAIN' the younger woman bit back at her, eyes cold and accusing. Michelle didnt want to believe it, but it was so convinient for Carla to dissapear for months, returning days before Tony confessed.
Carla eyes frantically scanned Michelles, silently pleading with her to stop before she broke.
'whatever you think, i loved Liam' her confession was gutteral, said with so much meaning she could have broke down then and there, at the very mention of the man she loved. But she didnt. She daren't when Michelle was this spiteful. 'with all of my heart' . 'THEN TELL ME THE TRUTH' Michelle's eyes were wide and unforgiving, making Carla want to gag.
She knew after she confessed to knowing and running away she'd be left with no one. She'd be alone, left to the mercy of the next hires assassin Tony managed to hire from prison. She'd barely escaped alive last time, under the false pretense that she had murdered him. She'd ran from herself really, away from the voices in her head. "You killed him!", "Murderer", "They'll get you eventually", "Run"
"He died because of you! One way or another you are to blame!" Michelle continued, Carla wasnt sure if it was Michelle talking, or the internal monologue of her head, haunting her, tainting her thoughts.
The memories physically pained her as Michelle continued to star at her, eyes bright, chest heaving heavily.
Carla heard the door being flung open, and the angry footsteps descending on her, but she neither had the strength nor courage to turn and face her. Convincing herself she deserved it, she did nothing but let out a strangled wail when Michelles hand found itself deep in her hair, grasping and pulling her head back sharply.
"BITCH! You talk about love!"
Love.
Carla wasnt sure if she really knew what love was anymore. Liam was gone, her one stable, her one constant, and now she felt lost. Trapped in a bubble watching everything happen around her, unable to help or change outcomes. She was a bitch, she concluded.
But it hurt more coming from Michelle.
Everything hurt more.
"You have no idea what its like for me Carla! The fear I felt thinking I was pregnant. I was sick with worry, barely eating, barely sleeping, scared to get it wrong again and loose it. I cant loose another child" she shook her head, anger still glazed in her eyes. "You dont. Understand" Michelle repeated.
"Of course I understand Michelle, my little girl, I lost- her" Carla faultered, Michelle sensing her moment to finally push her away.
Michelle had managed to persuade herself that she still hadnt forgiven the older woman for sleeping with her son.
It wasnt hatred that burned so fiercely inside her heart when she had discovered what her son and best friend had been doing together.
Michelle was scared.
Scared about the fact that she felt no hatred towards Carla at all.
Scared that she was jealous of Ali. Jealous that he had seen her, jealous that he had touched her, and she wanted that.
Maybe thats why Michelle is so keen to push the woman away, to hurt her more than any man every could, for fear of rejection and disgust that would leer in her eyes at the rerevelation of what Michelle thought about when Carla was near.
Shaking her head Michelle prepared herself for the final blow, there was no way Carla would stay, she'd be more of an idiot than Michelle every thought Carla could be.
"No you dont understand! Ruauri was a baby! AN ACTUAL BABY! I gave birth to him and he could have lived. You cant understand that because she wasnt going to live." Michelle knew that was enough but she kept pushing. "It was a late miscarrriage Carla, not a birth." Intentionally lengthening the word miscarriage, Michelle could see the anger boil up into Carlas eyes.
"How Dare You!" the older woman threw back. She pushed Michelle sharply, their breathing rapid and the tension like like smoke.
Michelle couldn't see any trace of betrayal or hurt in the shorter womans eyes, only anger, as if, for some reason she'd been expecting the low blows. Forcefully, Michelle slammed Carla back against the wall, essentially pinning herself against it.
She could feel the hot, heavy breath of Carla's on her cheek as they stared into each others eyes, neither one wanting to be the first to speak, or move.
The tension of unspoken apologies and tears fell on deaf ears as suddenly Chelle plunged forward, catching the older of the two off guard, encasing her lips in her own.
She daren't move, for fear that she'd never be here again. That she'd never feel Carla's body flush against hers, pressed firmly against the wall, feel her full lips cushioning her own, taste the sweet raspberry balm gifted to her by Jenny whilst in hospital.
Carla had frozen when Michelles lips had caught hers, anger still fogging her thoughts, diluting with complete and utter confusion at why her best friend was suddenly so close, so completely past the 'friends' line. So out of order.
It was the soft probe of Michelles tongue that broke her trance, kissing her back softly, still hurt and vulnerable from the taller womans words, seeking comfort from anyone, finding it in the person to blame for her resolve.
Their movements were slow, careful, caring. Neither woman wanting the other to be hurt, even less be the cause of it.
Carla slowly pulled from Michelle, a small whimper emitting her lips that if challenged on, she'd deny. Leaning her forhead om Chelle's, her lips grazed her cheek, breath jagged and uneven, as she worked on the right words.
'Im sorry Chelle, really I am. I shouldn't have brought up Dean it's unfair' the apology slipped from between the lips of the older brunette, still pinned between the younger and the wall.
Michelle shook her head, 'shhh' she soothed her.
Carla really baffled Michelle, apologising first for speaking of Dean, which in comparison to the abuse she hurled, was miniscule. She couldn't understand why she was always finding fault in herself when the fault in others was multiple times larger.
Carla hummed impatiently.
"Im sorry, for everything baby. I know you understand. You always understand" Michelle countered to the elder's pleading apology. Carla nestled her head into the crook of Michelles neck and linked her slender fingers into Michelle's; a silent forgiveness.
"What are we doing Chelle?" Carla pleaded, her head lolling back to rest on the wall, eyes searching the youngers. "we need to stop all this. this tearing into each other. Im so tired of fighting" her hands found each side of Michelles cheeks, pulling her firmly to stare directly at her, unease burning into her body which she pushed away. Michelle had always been able to read her like a book, but she never noticed the moment that that became a bad thing.
"We need to stick together us two, listen ey? Us against the world isn't that what it's always been?" Chelle found her head bobbing in agreement involuntarily, although she doubted she'd try to stop herself. "I love you Car, so much it scares me, dont hate me please, I can't loose you too".
The two woman embraced, bunching clothing into fists in an attempt to bring the other closer. "Im never lefting tou get hurt again, as long as I live I'll keep you safe" Carla whispered, pulling back just enough to brush hairs away from Michelles eyes behind her ear.
The love in her eyes was so obvious Michelle cursed herself for being sp oblivious.
"Come here you" she stated, a smile creeping onto her face as she used the hands that lay on the small of Carla's back to press herself further into the woman, lips finding hers again.
This time, there was no pause. No self doubt or flicker of shame. They knew each other. They understood.
Their tongues danced and weaved together, hoplessly cliché as it sounded, Carla felt a ripple of need in her stomach, butterfly's.
The average life span of a butterfly freed from its cacoon is just over a month, although small, fast flying, more colourful butterflies that dance around the garden live only a mere week. The larger, plain patterned ones can survive up to four months, with the right care and environment.
Carla remembered watching the documentry, insisting that it 'wasn't her thing' despite being infatuated by how something could completely turn their life around and become a whole new person.
She'd found a sad comparison to the butterflies life span to that of her love.
Small, fast, brightly burning and colourful were the relationships that fizzled to an end within a week; those that were safe, providing the factory boss a haven to rest, repower in lasted months. Albeit boring, it gave her strength, despite the lack of love. She'd be able to fake it for months, before inevitably breaking his heart and her own, snapping the fragile wings like those of the butterfly.
Michelle, she'd found, was the butterfly that defied all odds, beautiful and full of life. Flying and soaring years into her life, giving Carla life.
A constant.
A home.
When Michelles hands left her hair, in which they'd been tangled up in, causing breathy moans, they found the hem of her top, tugging it over her own head, breaking the kiss with Carla who opened her eyes to her best friend knelt on the bed, red lace bra on full display.
She knew they had to stop, that Michelle had to know the truth before they...
'Michelle' she breathed, running a hand through her tangled hair, in an attempt to slow the ragged breaths that ripped through her lungs and made her shake.
Michelle's eyes pooled with worry at the smaller womans hesitance. "What baby, whats wrong", she stood, pulling Carla closer and rocking them slightly.
"Ali and I" Carla managed to choke out. She felt Michelle go rigid beside her, the topic still difficult for them both to voice aloud. "We didn't, I-I couldn't, it wasn't right. He wasn't right Chelle" she confessed, releived when she felt Michelle's frame soften against her.
Pulling herself away, Chelle's eyes searched Carla's for any sign that would indicate deception. There was none.
Of course they didn't. She knew she meant more to Carla than one drunken fumble with her son.
A smile flickered across her lips, then a laugh, although Carla's face remained solemn, serious. "I love you" Michelle stated, the smile remaining. "Why only now? Why let me believe that you had?" Carla shrugged.
"I thought it would be easier. Easier to be able to remove myself from your life when I went back to Devon. I wanted you to not hurt when I left. After Ruauri I didnt think I'd ever be able to face you again, knowing I'd let you down again" the emotion written on Carla features caused a physical ache to burst in Michelle's chest. The guilt the older woman was carrying. The unnecessary guilt, how much she wanted to ease her pain.
"Carla, Car listen to me. I never blamed you okay? You had to be in Devon, you were drowing here, and I couldnt watch you drown"
Michelle, happy that she'd somewhay relieved the guilt, her hands fell delicately to the buttons on Carlas top, causing Carlas eyes to flicker shut as their lips met for the thrid time.
Before the garment was removed from Carlas figure, a small plea escaped the older woman's lips. "stop".
It was so quiet Carla couldnt have been sure she'd even spoke; but Michelle stopped, fingers lingering, staring at Carla who now wore a look of compelte shame and fear.
"What's this about now baby, we can stop if you want" Michelle soothed, the understanding in her form causing a strangled sob to escape from Carla, who shook her head aggressively, although she was willing herself to grow up, silently scolding herself for showing emotion so willingly.
"Its not that Chelle, I promise it's not. I want to, I do" her hand hovered over her abdomen for a fraction if a second, Carla's eyes falling. The motion was so very subtle, but Michelle caught it, cursing herself for not thinking.
"Oh baby, your scar" she shook her head, why did Carla always do this, find flaws in herself that weren't there. That scar is the reason she is say here right now, yet she still repents it, scared for even Michelle to see, the fear of rejection so raw in her eyes it pained the younger woman.
"Can I see?" her movements were slow, gently tugging the top from where it encasedher frame, letting it ploom and fall to the floor, keeping her eyes with Carla's, until she'd been given consent to look.
Carla slowly nodded, tears beginning to pool in her mossey eyes, refusing to look at Michelle as he gaze dropped.
The thin, white, jarred line that marred the delicate skin of Carla's stomach, visibly contrasted against her toned, bronzed stomach. Letting her breath run slowly out through her nose, Michelle knelt, slowly pressing her mouth to the delicate tissue, placing soft kisses, running across the whole surface.
Michelle thought it was beautiful, and she wanted her best friend to know that too. "Carla- you are- the most- beautiful- woman I know" she stated in between kisses that she planted, each one closer to her face. "don't you forget that, ever" the final kiss was placed on her forehead, lingering slightly as she inhaled the scent of Carla's hair.
Pulling Carla behind her, Michelle lay ont he bed, beneath the covers, removing her trousers as Carla did the same. Lifting the covers, she motioned Carla to join her, a smile placed firmly on her face as the older woman obliged, all traces of fear and vulnerability leaving her face as she settled.
Chelle pulled Carla between her legs, so her head laid on her bare chest, hair tickling her chin as she reached down to enclose Carlas hands in her own. Carla squeezed them tightly, before turning into Michelle, encasing her own body in the younger womans.
'Hold me like you used to'