My name is Isabella Marie Swan. I am seventeen years old, and I fall over. I dream about something called the Volturi, though I'm not too sure what it is. If anyone calls me Isabella, I freak out. I like to be called Bella. I came to live with my Dad in Forks because my hoochie mum decided to fuck off with her new pimp – Phil. He's alright, I guess, apart from the fact that he totally used to embarrass me when he tried to act cool in front of my friends. He clearly thought that whirling a baseball bat around his head would make my friends go – "Ooh! He's so talented. I wish he was my Dad!"
To which I would have replied, - "Fuck off, he's not my Dad"
Anyways, I have pale skin. I need to stress this out cos' everyone has to know. Pale. Skin. Skin that is pale. Okay? And something else that I'll mention in a roundabout way – I am an ugly bitch. Though, I never say this out loud because then I'll seem like I feel sorry for myself.
I like to blend in with the crowd. I hate it when spotty, geeky boys ask me if I wanna be in a feature. It's like "HELL no." Why in the name of fucking VAMPIRES or WEREWOLVES ("Shapeshifters! How many fucking times? They're SHAPE-FUCKING-SHIFTERS." Called Aro from the corner) would I want to be in a feature? That would mean that the whole school would see me and I'd be like, centre of attention. Everyone would be able to see my pale skin and flat chest. Though, again, I don't mention my flat chest because, technically in modern day society, it shouldn't be something for me to worry about. But, seriously though, I would love to have like major big boobs. Katie Price style. Yum.
Talking of saying 'yum' to women with big boobs – I'm a lesbian. I never say this out loud, and I don't ever plan to. I try to act all straight by going out with half-beings, to act as if I am so certain on my sexual orientation that I would risk my life to prove it.
One particular half-being was this guy called Edward. He left long ago when he realised that I just didn't 'like' his… tackle. His love pump. His trouser snake. His tool. Yeah, whatever you want to call it. He was just all about sex! I could be having like a big issue going on, and he'd be there trying to get in my unfashionable jeans. It was like… ew.
So anyways, I was thinking of coming out as gay. You know… cutting my hair into a really short army style, and maybe even start wearing baggy, camouflage clothing. I could splurge some of my money on mountain boots to add to the look. The only problem was… I don't know any gays. That Jessica is pretty hot, but she seems so set on Mike. Mike being a boy and having a penis. Angela? No… she isn't a lesbian. I wish.
It looks as if I'm going to be a lonely unlucky in love lesbian for my whole life. Even if I could find another gay, they wouldn't be a half-being. And I have a thing for them.