The Second Reflection In The Mirror

by Sabine

As the two crews finally reunite after such a long period, Moya John and Aeryn come face to face and are forced to deal with their individual feelings.

Title: The Second Reflection In The Mirror

Author:  Sabine

Rating: PG-13

Spoilers:  "INFINITE POSSIBILITIES, Part Two: Icarus Abides" and "Revenging Angel"

Summary: As the two crews finally reunite after such a long period, Moya John and Aeryn come face to face and are forced to deal with their individual feelings.

Notes:  This story was inspired by Sarah's post about "IP2: IA" and even though her analysis was brilliant, this story will probably end up sucking big time. g

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the Farscape characters. All Farscape characters, names and situations are trademarks of Jim Henson Company, Hallmark Entertainment, Nine Network Australia, and the Scifi channel © 1999, 2000& 2001.

***

For every mountain I have climbed

And every raging river crossed

You were the treasure that I longed to find

Without your love I would be lost

~ Ronan Keating, 'In this life'~

***

He died.

John Crichton had died.

He was the only one left now. According to what they had told him his 'twin' had died a heroic death. Hell…people could say a lot of things about him, but they could never say that John Crichton was a coward or unwilling to sacrifice himself for the greater good.  

Isn't it ironic that the one who had it all ended up biting the dust? He had taken Wynona, all of his notes and most important thing of all was that his twin had Aeryn, while he himself was starting to feel lost without the center of his universe.

He had never even once uttered her name to the others after she had left Moya with the other John. It had been too painful to think about her, so he decided to do just about everything to forget her. He buried himself in his work and became obsessed with wormholes again. But due to his successful efforts of keeping himself busy, he hadn't paid much attention to the fact that the relationships he had with the remaining posse on Moya were worsening and when he finally did, he was somewhat at odds with just about everyone onboard. They just didn't understand that this was actually his way of coping with the empty spot Aeryn had left behind in his life when she had decided to join Talyn's crew.

It was especially his relationship with D'Argo that had suffered. It was really sad to come to the conclusion that his best friend and he couldn't even have a normal conversation anymore without resorting to childish 'you did it' and 'no, you did it' behaviour. It was no wonder that they ended up being kicked off Moya by Pilot for a couple of days. Luckily things started to change for the better after the little pleasure planet episode. Slowly but certain things started to go back to the way it was before as he tried to patch things up again.

And then the news from Talyn reached them…       

***

Several weekens later,

Moya:

" Hey D'Argo…hand me that thing, will ya?" John spoke as he gazed at the wiring of the opened panel. Red and yellow lights blinked as his hand brushed aside a couple of wires.

" The blue or the black one?" D'Argo asked, carefully searching through instruments inside the toolbox.

" Um…the black one should do just fine. I just need to recalibrate the frequency this thing is workin' on or else it may crash," John replied as he grabbed the tool D'Argo handed to him.

"Crashing is a bad thing…"

" I should think so, Big Guy. If this lil' system crashes, it could start bugging the other systems and pretty soon every system onboard could start crashing down, which means that in the end you won't be able to fly this ship of yours anymore. And you know what that will lead to, don't ya?"

" No…not really, John. What will that lead to?"

" It means that you won't be able to impress the local scenery and score with the ladies. All we've got left then is a Leviathan transport pod and that doesn't really rate high on the list of vehicles you can impress girls with or does it?" John chuckled as he activated the small device and moved over the wiring.

" I catch your point…" D'Argo mused, sitting down on the chair. His eyes checked the data flow on the terminal in front of him to see if anything was changing.  

"…Catch your drift," John softly corrected with a grin. It was always funny to see the Luxan try to use Human slang and not quite get it the hang of it. Nowadays D'Argo was actually getting it right more times than he was getting it wrong and it was almost like he was talking to someone from back home. " Okay…that's it, D. I think I'm done, but just to be on the safe side could you check the data on the console for me?"

" Looks alright to me, John, " D'Argo answered as he checked the data stream again. 

" Great, mission accomplished," John spoke, swiftly de-activating the tool and placed it back in the toolbox. He sighed as he ran his fingers through his short-cut hair and leaned back against the interior wall of the ship. It had been weeks since they had found out about his counterpart's death and even though Talyn had contacted Moya that he would rejoin her, he hadn't told his mother when exactly that would be. Could be days, could be weeks, could be months before they would finally all meet up and the pending reunion was not going to be a happy one.

" Are you thinking about them, John?"

D'Argo looked at the form of his Human friend and shot him a concerning look. Without a doubt in his mind he knew that John was thinking about what would happen if the two crews were reunited. He clearly remembered how John had reacted to the news that the other John and Aeryn had become much closer before he had died. Without saying anything to anyone John had just taken off with his Farscape One module and it was only thanks to Pilot that they managed to pin-point John's exact location by extracting the module's flight path. Chiana and he had ended up dragging a very drunken John Crichton out of a very shady looking pub in one of the most notorious districts on Rukoye 4, which had been the nearest commerce planet in the system they were currently passing.

" It could have been me, D'Argo. I could have been on Talyn with Aeryn and I could have been the one who ended up dead. Frell…I really don't even wanna think about what the two of them were doing to pass the time, cuz if I do…"

" You would become extremely jealous," D'Argo finished.

" Nah…not just that, man. I'd get really angry as well. Combine those two things and I'd end up a walking emotional time bomb ready to explode. It really sucks losing the girl you love, especially when it's to yourself."

" You would have gotten over it, John. It might have taken a while, but you would have eventually gotten over her and the whole situation."

" Yeah…maybe, but it still hurts like hell," John spoke, turning his head to look at his friend. He wondered what was going through the Luxan's head. Was he reminded of the betrayal of his son and Chiana?

" It will probably hurt for a long time to come…" D'Argo replied as he looked John in the eyes. As far as he was concerned he was telling his friend the truth, for his own hurt over what had happened to him was only recently slowly starting to subside. 

" D'Argo, if this is your way of trying to cheer me up I have to say that you kinda suck at it…" John laughed, shaking his head.

" It worked, didn't it?" the Luxan noted dryly as he watched John grab the panel and put it back in place again. " Let's get out of here and get something to drink, John. We've done enough around here for today."

"I'm game…" John chuckled as he got up from the floor. He walked back to pick up the toolbox and hurried over to D'Argo, who was already waiting for him outside the ship. John jumped off and gracefully landed on the floor of the bay. He padded D'Argo on his back as they watched the shield reappear around the hull of the alien vessel. " I could really use a drink right about now and I believe you feel the same way as I do, Big Guy. Do we still have some of that stuff we picked up from our last run?"

D'Argo nodded. " Yes…I've saved it for a special occasion and this…" Before he could finish what he wanted to say, the voice of Pilot interrupted.     

" D'Argo…John…I thought you might like to know that Talyn will be arriving at our location shortly. Moya is very happy to be able to see her son again and be able to spend some time with him. I am of course also happy at this prospect, but even more at seeing Aeryn and the others again after such a long time."

" You're not the only, Pilot. We all are," D'Argo smiled as he turned to John. The human seemed somewhat absentminded and was clutching onto the toolbox he was holding in his hands. " This seems to be a very special occasion after all. I'm sure that Chiana has already started to prepare an abundance of food for tonight's dinner. Are you coming, John?" 

"Huh?"

" I asked if you were coming? Welcome the others back aboard with Jool, Chiana and myself?"

" Nah…sorry man, I'll have meet up with you guys later. I just remembered that I still need to do some stuff, but…um…as soon as it's finished you'll see me appear again," John smiled apologetically as he clumsily moved passed D'Argo and headed for the exit of the bay as quickly as he could. 

It was only after he had put enough distance between the bay and himself that he allowed himself to slow down. His breaths had become irregular, he had started sweating and the colour of his skin had turned into a ghostlike one. John dropped the toolbox down on the floor and leaned back against the wall in an attempt to collect himself.

" Come on, John. You knew this day was gonna come…"

"Shut up Harvey and get lost!" John sneered as he saw the Scorpius clone casually leaning against the wall opposite of him. A smile revealed Harvey's crooked teeth as he moved closer to John.

" Look at yourself, John…you're trembling. This is no time for an anxiety attack and there's no need for one either," Harvey spoke as he grabbed hold of John's hands and held them up for John to see.

" You don't understand…" John watched as Harvey broke out in laughter and released John's trembling hands. The clone turned around, his back now facing John. 

"Oh Crichton, but I do. I understand it perfectly well…I * am * after all a part of you," Harvey emphasized as he turned around to face the Human once more. The laughter had ceased and the neural clone was sporting a serious expression as he intently gazed into John's eyes.

" I can deal with it," John stated coldly, pushing himself away from the wall.

" Hmmm…perhaps. But what will you do when you see her again, John? Could you control your anger and jealousy that has been building up for all this time while she was together with the other you? Or will you put aside those feelings and try to help her? What will it be, John?

Which will you choose?"

" I can't tell you what I don't know, Harvey. Hell…you'll be the first one to know anyway. Now if you excuse me I've still got to do some stuff and it needs to be finished soon," John answered as he picked up his toolbox and started to walk away.

***

From his hiding place he observed the pod making a perfect landing in Moya's bay. It took a couple of minutes before the pod's doors finally opened. He squinted his eyes in an ill-fated attempt to make out if anyone was standing inside the transport pod. The first one to leave Talyn's transport pod was Crais, then Rygel and Stark who seemed to have an avid discussion about something that probably didn't even matter that much. The three of them turned around and smiled as they saw a figure standing in the door opening.  

All the anger melted away the moment he laid eyes on her for the very first time in what had seemed like an eternity to him. She looked like crap, but after what she had gone through that was understandable. He knew how it felt like when you lost someone you loved, whether the latter meant to someone else or more importantly to death. Her eyes spoke a different language from the happy smile she was showing all the others, but anyone who didn't know her as well as he did wouldn't have noticed it. Those baby blues betrayed the painful emotions she was desperately trying to hide.

He had once told her that he would be lost without her and he knew now that the same applied to her.

***

Aeryn took a deep breath before she exited the transport pod. As on cue a smile appeared on her face and despite the fact that she should feel happy to be reunited with her friends, she felt empty inside. The pain and grief she was experiencing at the moment was far outweighing the joy she felt. John and she had been looking forward to the moment the two crews would reunite, but now that the moment finally had arrived it just wasn't the same without him.

The following microts passed by in a blur and she vaguely remembered almost being hugged to death by Chiana after the young Nebari had dashed towards her and come to a sudden stand still in front of her. D'Argo had whispered something comforting in her ear as he had pulled her into a hug as well and Jool had merely shaken her hand stating that it was nice to see her again.

It was only after D'Argo and the others had led them out of the bay that she realized that something or rather someone was missing.

" D'Argo?"

" Yes Aeryn?" 

" Where's John?"

" He…um…said that he still needed to do some things and that he'd meet up with the rest of us later on. I'm sure he will be there for dinner," D'Argo spoke, not looking his friend in the eyes. He knew why John had made up that excuse and his friend had been wise not to appear in front of the others right away. As hard as the other John's death had been on them, it had been much harder on the ones who had been with him when he had died. There would have been no telling how Talyn's crew would have reacted if John had been standing with Jool, Chiana and himself in the bay to welcome them back.  D'Argo decided to switch to a more light-hearted kind of conversation. " You should really see all the things Chiana has prepared for tonight's dinner. I am sure that she practically used up all of our supplies to create a feast suitable for welcoming you back."

" I'm sure she has outdone herself," Aeryn smiled sadly as she turned to look over her shoulder. Chiana was obviously trying to catch Rygel and Stark up on what had happened onboard Moya while they had been away.

" You were milked and used to produce some kind of drug?!" Rygel's expression was one of a person who didn't believe what was being told to him.

" Yeah…Ryg. I'm telling ya the truth. This local drug lord held me and Jool hostage and D'Argo an' John had to come rescue us. Unfortunately Pilot didn't believe a word of their story, so he kicked the two of them off Moya for eight more days to work out their relationship issues."

"Relationship issues?" The little Dominar inquired curiously as he hovered through the hallways and looked at the Nebari's face.

" Long story…very long. I promise that I'll tell you guys all about it. The first thing we'll do now is head for the center chamber. I'm sure you could use something to eat. I've actually made a couple of your favourite dishes, Ryg. I'm hoping it'll meet your approval…if not you'll still have to eat it anyway," Chiana laughed as they all turned the corner and headed towards the center chamber.

 

***

John's quarters:

In a less than confident stride John was heading towards his quarters. The dinner had become a total disaster the very moment he had walked into the center chamber to join the others. He had tried his best to enter without drawing any attention and had chosen to sit as far away from Aeryn as he possibly could. Almost immediately after entering the room she had noticed him and her gaze had followed him until he had sat down on a chair inbetween Chiana and D'Argo. On several occasions he had been on the verge of walking away, but either D'Argo or Chiana had every time been able to prevent him from leaving. Especially Chiana seemed to intuitively know what was going on inside the grey mass he called his brain and tried her best to make the whole situation less awkward than it already was.

It felt unsettling at times when Aeryn looked at him, staring at him for several microts and not touching any of the food on her plate. He had definitely noticed all the different emotions flashing in her eyes, ranging from resentment to hope and back again.

John yawned as stopped in front of his quarters. He hadn't been getting much sleep of late and was actually looking forward to a couple of hours of undisturbed sleep. It took him a while to realize that he had closed the door shut when he had left for dinner and that the door somehow was wide open now. Curiously John stepped forward and took a closer look to find out what was going on. Much to his surprise he discovered someone inside whom he hadn't expected to be there at all, especially after the disastrous dinner reunion.     

" Hey…"

" Hey…"

" I can leave if you want to…" John offered as he crossed his arms and stood in the doorway, effectively keeping a safe distance between the two of them.

" No…don't. It's your room," Aeryn spoke sadly. " If anyone should leave here it should be me."

John shook his head. " You don't have to if you don't want to, Aeryn. You can stay here as long as you want…as long as you need to."

"Thank you…" Aeryn replied earnest as she stared at the chessboard and picked up one of the pieces. During their moments alone her John had explained just about everything about the game and as she gazed at the piece she was once again reminded of the good times they had shared together onboard Talyn and of what she had lost. Without being able to help it or being able to stop it, she felt the chess piece losing grip and slowly slip out of her hands. As if in a trance she watched the piece falling towards the floor in slow motion and only blinked as it hit the floor.

" Let me get that for you…"

She hadn't even noticed that John had made his way towards her and was virtually standing beside her. Her eyes closely followed his moves as he grabbed the little piece up from the floor. " I'm sorry."

" For what? It aint broken. Besides missing a little chip will probably give him some more character," John smiled as he placed the knight back on the board at the exact position where it had previously been located. His eyes briefly made contact with hers, before he quickly averted his gaze and looked at the chessboard in an attempt to cease the uncomfortable and awkward feelings he was experiencing while he was standing in such close proximity to her.

" You look like you could use something to drink…I think I still have a little stash around here somewhere. I just can't remember where I last left it…" John said as his eyes searched the surroundings until they had stumbled upon what he was looking for. " Bingo…mister John Crichton you've hit the jackpot."

Aeryn bit her lip as she sat down on the bed. She was that far from completely breaking down again. His voice, every gesture he made, reminded her of him and it took all her effort to not see her John every time she looked at him. Maybe this had been a bad idea after all; maybe she shouldn't have gone to his quarters. It was not like her visit had been an intentional one. She had just been walking around and as she was passing by the living quarters, she had found herself being irresistibly drawn to his.  

" Here ya go…" John smiled. Their fingers accidentally brushed against one another as she grabbed the glass that he was handing to her. He quickly pulled back his hand and took a step back.

" Thank you," Aeryn replied not looking up at him and took a sip from her glass. A burning sensation made its way down her throat as she swallowed the substance. He had been right…she had needed it.      

John walked back to one of the wall's ledges and picked up another glass for himself. He slowly poured the canister empty as he watched how the honey coloured substance filled his glass. After taking a sip, he placed the glass back on the ledge and leaned against the wall. He was mustering courage he could possibly get for a question he needed to have answered by her, but he was afraid that he would hurt her feelings by asking it.

" Were you and him…were the two of you happy together?"

Aeryn turned her head and looked at him in surprise. She hadn't counted on him asking her that one question, but nonetheless felt that he deserved the right to know the answer. " Yes. We were happy together."  

"Good. After all you've been through you deserve nothing less than perfect happiness and I'm glad that he was able to give it to you…" John paused a moment before he continued. " I hope you believe me when I say that I'm sorry for your loss. I'm sorry for everything you had to go through, Aeryn."

      

Aeryn nodded slightly as she took another sip. Holding on to the glass with both hands, her blues eyes met his. " I was going to go back to Earth with him," she spoke softly as she turned her head in an attempt to evade his piercing gaze. All the time she and John had been on Talyn, they hadn't even stopped to think about him still being on Moya. They had created their own little safe haven and hadn't even thought what kind of impact their actions would have on other people's lives.   

" Earth…" 

" Yes…I promised him that I would go with him. I wasn't going to let him go back alone and he didn't want to return to Earth without me."

He desperately tried to hide his anger and jealousy for her sake. How angry he had been after he found out that his twin had manoeuvred himself so that he had ended up with Aeryn on Talyn and he had been left on Moya. As it turned out all of his fears had become reality…Aeryn and the other him had grown closer. Much closer. John took a deep breath and slowly exhaled, hoping it would calm him down. This was no time for being selfish. The woman he loved more than anything was hurting and she looked like she could break down any microt.

"They told me that he managed to destroy a Scarran Dreadnaught, saving a billion lives in the process by preventing the Scarrans from getting the wormhole technology…"

Aeryn nodded. Every microt that passed made it harder for her to hold back the tears. She felt the tears forming in her eyes and knew that she wouldn't be able to fight them for much longer. " Right before he died he told me not to worry. He said he'd never felt better. He was a brave man and I loved him so much…"

"Back home they say that it's lucky when an ambitious man goes when he's ready. With that said...he died the way he wanted to, Aeryn. I…I know the last couple of weekens must have been really tough for you to deal with. I know that when you look at me you are reminded of him and the time you spend together. I'm not him, Aeryn and I'll never be…" John spoke softly as he sat down on the chair next to the chessboard. " But I'm glad that he at least got to spend the last moments of his life with the woman he loved. I'm glad he got the chance to say goodbye, cuz that's something that rarely happens in real life."

She felt the first tear roll down her cheek and soon thereafter the second one. She had known that this day would come, but it hadn't made things easier. She was tired of fighting and at this point she was simply tired of everything.

John saw the tears flowing freely from her eyes and hesitated as to what he should do next. He wanted to hold her in his arms and comfort her, but he was afraid that it would turn out to be too awkward and that she wouldn't let him. But seeing her like that made him make up his mind.

" I felt so alone, John. Why did he have to die? Why?" She sobbed, finally letting down the defences she had built after John's death.

" I don't know, Aeryn. I wish that I did, but I don't," John answered as he pulled her into his arms. Much to his surprise she actually let him do that and he had to admit to himself that it felt good to hold her in his arms again. He gently stroked her raven coloured hair as she cried against his green shirt. " I wish I could tell you that the pain will go away soon. Truth is that it's gonna hurt like hell for a very long time to come. You just have to make sure that you won't let it drive you crazy. You need to talk to people, Aeryn. I won't blame you if you don't want to talk to me, but please talk to the others…"

" No..."

" What? C'mon Aeryn, you *really* need to talk to people…"

" That's not what I meant. I *do* want to talk to you, John. I hadn't realized it until a microt ago. I ended up in your quarters because I wanted to talk to you. I *needed* to talk to you." 

  

John threw her an amazed look. " For real?"

" Yes, John. But I want you to do something for me as well…"

" Sure…no problem. What do you want me to do?"

" Talk to me. I want you to talk to me, John," Aeryn spoke with a serious expression as she looked up into his eyes. She saw the hesitation in them and knew that she would have to think of a way to convince him. " Remember all the times you pushed me to talk about my feelings when something was troubling me?"

" Oh…so this is your way of getting back at me?" John grinned as he released Aeryn from his embrace. Looking at her he noticed that his grin was mirrored by one on Aeryn's face. He knew that she was serious and knew that it had no use to fight her on this. " I…what do you want me to talk about? Anything in particular?"

" Talk to me about what it was like for you on Moya while I was away."

" Um…okay," he spoke softly, closing his eyes for a moment. A myriad of thoughts and memories ran rampant through his mind. John wondered which of them he would use to tell her what had happened and how he felt. He opened his eyes, took a deep breath and exhaled slowly.         

" Even after his death I can't help but envy him. He had everything that meant anything to me and I was left with nothing. No Wynona, no notes and no you. Do you remember what I told you in the neural cluster before the Scorpy clone killed you? That's exactly what happened, Aeryn. I got lost, because I didn't have you around to help me out. Totally and utterly lost. I did just about anything to keep myself from thinking about you and him and what could be going on between the two of you, but it was useless and so I buried myself in my work even more. I became obsessed with wormholes and jumped at every chance I got to research 'em. But the more did I that, the more I alienated myself from D'Argo, Chiana, Jool and Pilot. Things got really bad between D'Argo and me for a while…"   

" You must really hate me for…" Before she was able to finish the sentence John interceded.

"No, I would have done the same if I had been in your position. You and the other me were too caught up with each other to even stop and think about me. The two of you were living in your own private little world. If I had been together with you on Talyn I doubt I would have acted any different from the way he acted. I wouldn't have wanted to think about the other me on Moya if I had you around to brighten my world," John paused and a smile formed on his face as he looked at her. "I could *never* hate you, Aeryn. You are my reason for living."

Her eyes started welling up again and the floodgates opened again as a succession of tears fell down her cheeks. She had never suspected him to say such a thing…she had never even dreamed of it. Looking back she was glad that she had made the choice of coming back to Moya and to try to get over John's death as best as she possibly could. She was glad that he was willing to let her fully back into his life. The latter should not have been as surprising to her…he was after all John.  

" I've still got your notebook and Wynona. I'll give them back to you as soon as possible," she stated as she tried to regain her composure and trying not to let him know how truly happy she felt after having heard what he had just told her.

 

" You can give it back any time, Aeryn. There's no hurry," John replied as he wiped away the last traces of tears from her cheeks. He shot her a concerned look as he noticed how tired she looked. " I…think you should get some sleep, Aeryn. You look wiped out."

Aeryn nodded. " I think I will do that. Thank you, John. Thank you for just being there when I needed you most." 

" It was my pleasure and besides I should thank you as well, Aeryn. I know this wasn't easy on you and I hope that you feel that it was worth it. I hope that it helped you out…even if it's just a lil bit."

" It helped me more than you know, John," she spoke as she got up from the bed and headed towards the doorway. She slowly made her way towards the door and as she reached it, she turned her head to look over her shoulder.

" It's great to have you back again, Aeryn," John smiled as he saw her look back at him. His smile grew bigger as one of her radiant smiles appeared on her face before she walked out of his quarters and disappeared from his sight.   

***  

John sighed softly as he saw his reflection in the mirror stare right back at him. Blue eyes intently gazed back at the image of himself in the mirror and noted the subtle changes in his appearance. He was no longer the man he had been before the twinning incident and he was not the man Aeryn had spent the last couple of months with. He was the one who knew what he could turn into without the center of his universe, the one thing that could keep him sane in an insane world and he hadn't liked what he had become at all, which had been one thing his twin never had to worry about.            

A sad smile appeared as he realised that he was no longer the second reflection in the mirror. He was the only John Crichton left in the universe. There were no longer any excuses to blame the entire universe for everything that had happened to him and it felt like the universe had finally given him back what it had taken from him: his identity.

All this time he had felt like a pretender, because he no longer had what he cherished most in life. All the things that mattered to him had ended up in the hands of his twin; Wynona, his notes, leather clothes and last but certainly and never least…Aeryn.

He really hated seeing Aeryn in the state she was now. She had totally given herself to the man she loved and the guy ended up dying. To make things even more complicated was the fact that he was basically the same man she loved, except that he was alive and her John was not. John knew that every time she looked at him she was reminded of his 'twin' and each time he saw the sadness in her eyes it hurt him. It hurt a damn lot.

Tonight had been the first tiny step back onto the road of recovery and healing for the both of them. The truth was that it was probably going to take a long time before the end destination of that particular road was reached, but he was willing to stick with it. The other John's death had opened up a door, which he had believed to be closed to him forever.

He was willing to fight to regain what he had once shared with Aeryn and he knew that it wasn't going to be easy, but he wasn't willing to just let go of Aeryn after all they had been through together. Now that Aeryn was finally back in his life things at least couldn't get much worse than it had been without her and that was something he was going to hold on to.

~The End~