The Business of Misery
by voltaliathemajesticone
Author's Note: I haven't written anything on this account in a while, so please forgive me. Basically, this story is a revamp of agentmatt's "Sneaky Agent", but it's written in my way and I did my best to make sure it didn't rape canon. I apologize if I missed a few spots. I'll probably fix those later. Please enjoy anyway. By the way, I'm on hiatus from "How You Remind Me".
Chapter 1: Genesis
"By the pricking of my thumbs, something wicked this way comes,"
-William Shakespeare, Macbeth
It was 6:05 am on a beautiful December 13th morning. Anita had already gotten up and was breastfeeding five-months-old Emerson and Vinita at the kitchen table, while her husband of seven months, Victor, was just now starting to wake up and get ready for the day's work. After they had breakfast, Victor and Anita dropped their twin children off at Victor's mom Mildred's house. Anita looked over to Victor while they were at the doorsteps.
"I can't believe that we have the most gorgeous children," she said.
"Neither can I," Victor replied, looking very proud of himself.
After giving their children kisses on the cheek, off to work they went.
Victor and Anita sat down at their usual seats and waited for the Chief's name of the day. Gardevoir stood beside her Trainer like she usually did, and Ninetales sat modestly on the floor like she always had to do.
"How is everyone today?" Changed Daily asked.
"We're good." Victor and Anita said together.
"I'm fine." Gardevoir replied.
"Ditto." Professor Professor also replied.
"Meh, I'm okay," Ninetales answered in a dull matter.
"Alright." Changed Daily began. "Let's get started, but before we do…."
However, he was interrupted by a girl wearing a violet newsboy cap, with flaxen hair, hazel eyes, a purple T-shirt, and bell-bottom jeans. She had skin that was halfway between pale and tan. She was holding a piece of paper with writing in her hand.
"Mail time!" she began to sing. "Here's the mail that never fails. It makes me wanna wag my tail. When it comes, I wanna wail 'MAIL TIME!'"
"Thank you, Alexis." Changed Daily said uncomfortably, as he grabbed the paper out of the girl's hand.
"Mail's here!" Ninetales gleefully shouted. "What's it say? What's it say? What's it say?"
"Heel, Ninetales." Gardevoir commanded. Ninetales did just that.
Changed Daily started to read. The contents of the paper were:
"Dear U.Z.Z,
I just went on holiday recently and already I'm not sure whether I'll come back or not, or when I'll leave. The reason for this is I love the spot I picked to go for holiday. Until I make my decision, I'm not leaving and I've hired a replacement, who will not only ensure that the world is safe, but will also wear my sunglasses, etc. But should I decide to stay at my current location permanently, I'll miss all of you greatly. Right now, I wish you good luck on your missions. Godspeed.
Sincerely,
Special Agent Ray"
"I wonder who the replacement will be." Ninetales pondered.
"I have a few feelings for the replacement." Gardevoir concurred.
"That reminds me. The person taking Special Agent Ray's place is just waiting outside to meet you. Let me get him." Professor Professor realized. He jumped out of his seat and left for a moment. When he came back, following him was a person that everyone immediately recognized as a familiar face.
"Oh my dear God!" Gardevoir exclaimed in shock.
"May I present to you, Special Agent Alphonse."
Gardevoir, Ninetales, and Anita just looked at him in shock. The only one who was pissed at the replacement was Victor.
"Hello, Victor," Alphonse started with a subtle evil grin. "Hello, Anita, Professor Professor, Gardevoir, Ninetales."
"Um, hello." Gardevoir greeted nervously. Ninetales just had a puzzled look on her face.
"Alphonse? I didn't expect to see you again." Anita said.
"Hello, uh….." Alphonse resumed, ignoring Anita's reaction, but stopped suddenly.
"Oh, right." Changed Daily caught on. "As you know, for reasons of security, my name is Changed Daily. Today, you may call me…."
His communicator beeped.
"Augh! Fart Bucks."
Everyone laughed for a few moments, and then the laughter died down.
"Hello, Fart Bucks." Alphonse restarted, still giggling a little.
"Now let's get down to business." Fart Bucks started to speak. "As you all know, Arachne has been causing mischief for quite some time now. Now we feel that it's gone on long enough. Victor, Anita, the two of you need to go to the K.U.L.T casino, capture her, and bring her back here so we can have her killed as soon as possible."
"Oh, God, don't!" Alphonse yelled out. Everyone else gave him a look on their faces as if to ask him, "Why not?" "Because...there might be an ambush."
"Good thinking." Professor Professor jumped in. "Either I'll invent something to detect ambushes or Gardevoir can come with them and detect the ambushes herself."
"Wait. I have a better idea. Why don't you let me catch Arachne?" Alphonse suggested. "I do need practice after all."
"Very well." Fart Bucks said. "You've got your first assignment."
"You can't be serious." Gardevoir interjected.
"I am, Gardevoir. Protesting about assignments won't get you anywhere, either." her Trainer warned.
Alphonse got on his skybike and left for the K.U.L.T casino. As soon as he saw it, he landed near the entrance, went inside, climbed up the stairs leading to a door that had a sign reading, "For Millenia and Friends only….", entered the room, and confronted Millenia the Gardevoir/Mismagius hybrid.
"What have you come here for, boy?" Millenia demanded in a cruel tone. She was holding a joint in one hand and tapping her 3 fingers on the desk with the other.
"I've come here to demand that you give me Arachne. Victor and Anita would've done the same thing, except I persuaded U.Z.Z to send me here." Alphonse replied.
"How did you persuade U.Z.Z exactly?" Millenia wanted to know.
"It was easy. All I did was lie that I needed practice."
"Well done, Special Minion Alphonse. Oh, Hannibal, Sunako, Lucas, would you please bring in Arachne?"
A regular-colored male Zoroark, a woman with black hair, silver goggles, and a black and white jumpsuit, and a teenage boy with brown hair emerged from the shadows and brought with them a human/spider hybrid with skin so white, she looked like she was made of delicate porcelain, short black hair with a baby-blue headband, and a Black Widow lower half. She looked somber and collected for someone who committed heinous crimes, was rude and violent, and killed discreetly.
"Hold on a minute," Alphonse shouted out all of a sudden. "You're not getting off that easily."
"Why don't you come fight me then?" Millenia taunted.
Alphonse sucker-punched Millenia right in the face between her eyes. As soon as she hit the floor and lost consciousness, her entourage did not try to fight him, but instead surrendered quickly.
"Alright! Take Arachne! Just please don't hurt us!" Hannibal pleaded.
Alphonse spared the 3/4th of the posse and dragged Arachne, who strangely did not try to fight back, with him all the way to his skybike to take to the main pod.
After Arachne followed her captor to the briefing room, she finally prompted herself down in the middle of the floor, still not attempting to fight back.
"I've captured Arachne, Fart Bucks." Alphonse announced proudly.
"Good job, Special Agent Alphonse," Fart Bucks congratulated. "Who would've thought you'd be the one to finally bring her down?"
"Thank you," Alphonse responded.
"Why don't you have any scratches on you? Surely, she must've at least attempted to let go."
"I gave her some drugs to keep her from kicking and screaming."
"Makes sense to me!" Professor Professor butted in.
"Show-off," Victor coughed.
"What?" Alphonse asked.
"Nothing, nothing," Victor replied, in a snippy tone.
Professor Professor then led Arachne back to his lab, where she would be executed once and for all.
It was 8:37 p.m. at Victor and Anita's home. They had invited Gardevoir and Ninetales to join them in their conversation about how the day they had at work was monotonous and about Alphonse being Ray's replacement.
"I don't get it. Of all the people to be his replacement, why in the world would he pick Alphonse?" Victor asked. "Did he really think he deserved to fight villains besides The Chef? I can't even get along with that God forsaken sculptor, or artist, or whatever he's supposed to be."
"Look, Victor, we're not too thrilled about this, either." Gardevoir said, referring to herself, Ninetales, and Anita. "But we just have to deal with him for the time being until Ray comes back."
"You mean, if he comes back?" Ninetales added.
"Right. We don't know if this is going to be permanent or temporary." Gardevoir lamented.
"So we're stuck with Alphonse for God knows how long…" Victor sighed.
"Exactly." Anita replied.
"Oh boy. This is going to be painful." Victor moaned.
Suddenly, Gardevoir had a light bulb go off over her head.
"Hold on one minute. I think there's something wrong with this picture," Gardevoir stated.
"What are you talking about?" Victor wanted to know.
"First of all, do you remember Ray going on holiday without telling anyone?"
"No. Actually, I don't. When he went on holiday, boy, would he go on and on about how great his vacation spot was and how many days it would be until he left."
"That's it!" Ninetales remembered. "I can recall the few times he's done that. But this time, it didn't happen, although there could be several reasons for this."
"I suppose you're right." Gardevoir agreed. "But that still doesn't explain Alphonse's sketchy behavior. When Victor and Anita were supposed to capture Arachne, he yelped out 'No', took a moment, and then said there might be an ambush. If there really was one, how the hell was he so sure he wouldn't get ambushed himself?"
"He also said he needed practice. If that's so, then why was he sure no one would surprise attack him, because in reality, having little to no practice, he'd be prone to ambushes?"
"On top of all that, what was with Millenia's clique surrendering Arachne quickly after Alphonse punched their leader in the face just once? You'd think once Millenia suffered a blow like that, her friends would try to stand up for her, right?"
"Yes. Also, why was it when Arachne was captured, she didn't do a damn thing about it? He wouldn't even let us or any of the other backup agents help him with the capture."
"Gardevoir, I just thought of something." Victor interrupted.
"What is it, Victor?" Gardevoir asked curiously.
"What if K.U.L.T created an Arachne clone and gave that clone to Alphonse to bring back to the main pod? That way, Arachne would still wreak havoc on her victims." Victor suggested.
"I don't know, but could it be? Only one way to find out…" Gardevoir considered.
"And that way would be…?"
"That way would be to conduct an investigation on Alphonse and K.U.L.T."
"You two, go on and do the investigation and don't come back until you've found out anything at all." commanded Ninetales.
"Wait a minute. You and Anita aren't coming?" asked Victor.
"No. Methinks it's best to stay here so we can keep watch for any more people coming in. Besides, someone has to look after the babies." Ninetales answered reasonably.
"Very well." said Gardevoir. "Off to the K.U.L.T casino! Come on, Victor, let's go."