Dark Shadows: The Abridged Script, a parodies and spoofs fanfic

DARK SHADOWS: AN ABRIDGED SCRIPT:

Ext. LIVERPOOL DOCK, 1700's

YOUNG JOHNNY DEPP

(squints through the symbolic fog)

"Why is that creepy girl staring at me?"

YOUNG JOHNNY DEPP'S DAD "She's going to grow up and put a curse on you. Just ignore her for now. Because blood is thicker than water."

YOUNG JOHNNY DEPP

"Is that why HELENA BONHAM CARTER'S in this movie?"

YOUNG JOHNNY DEPP'S DAD

"Don't be a smartass."

In a BACKSTORY that takes way too long, it's established that JOHNNY DEPP is CURSED, turned into a VAMPIRE by a sexy witch, and stuck in a coffin for being a horny jerk and wooing the family maid.

Ext. Creepy Collinwood mansion

JACKIE EARLE HALEY "I don't know you. Go 'way!"

BELLA HEATHCOTE

"But I've come to breathe new life into this gloomy place. Let me in!"

MICHELLE PFEIFFER

"Just open the door. She's integral to the plot."

BH "I really am, I swear it."

CHLOE MORETZ

"I hate you. Go way!"

"Young lady, if you keep rolling your eyes like that, your face might freeze that way."

(gives her the finger)

GULLY MCGRATH "Do you believe in spooks? Like my DEAD MOM?"

"While some people who consider themselves inherently sane deny the existence of the paranormal, I myself believe that there is a possibility that…Oh screw the fancyschmancy language. I do indeed."

GMC "Then you can stay. Welcome to our super-creepy abode."

BELLA HEATHCOTE "I know I'm gonna like it here!"

BELLA HEATHCOTE makes playclothes out of shrouds and teaches the children dirges which makes them her number one fans.

Not really! The kids only make token appearances. But GULLY's MOM comes in handy at the very end.

Ext. A construction site

RANDOM GUY, digging

"Holy beep, we've got a COFFIN here."

JOHNNY DEPP

(bursts out of coffin)

"Oh good, dinner!"

(stares intently at a McDonald's sign)

"Odds bodkins, what era is this?"

THE SOUNDTRACK

"The SEVENTIES, of course! Duh!"

Int. The dining room

MICHELLE PFEIFFER

"This is our new houseguest, COUSIN BARNABAS, here to save the family business from ruin. Say hi, everyone!"

"I'm not really hungry, thanks, 'cause I just had a bloody good breakfast! "

"Ha-ha, isn't he a kidder!"

JOHNNY DEPP picks up the fork, stabs his waffle and makes it dance.

No, actually, he just points out that the silver's been FORGED, which makes JONNY LEE MILLER squirm.

Int. CHLOE MORETZ's bedroom

"I've fallen for BELLA. How do I woo this lovely lady with the excellent child-birthing hips?"

(rolls eyes)

"You know, if you keep up this perpetual eye-rolling, your face might freeze that way."

"Well, it's not like I have an actual character to play. I'm bored!"

(Pauses)

"Why don't you have a big dance and hire ALICE COOPER to perform?"

"And have more wacky culture clash mixups? Sounds cool!"

Int. The mansion

ALICE COOPER

"I'm too old for this (bleep)."

JOHNNY DEPP

(real line)

"Ugliest woman I've ever seen."

AC "I'm not a director, but even I know that using a sequence of wacky set pieces and jacking up the CGI effects, rather than exploring character motivation isn't the way to go if you're trying to make a memorable movie."

DIRECTOR TIM BURTON

"Don't argue with my QUIRKY GENIUS. Half the audience probably doesn't even know who you are!"

AC "Touche."

Int. The mansion

JOHNNY DEPP

"What the hell are you doing - tapping the walls? You wouldn't be trying to find the family's secret stash of valuables, would you?"

JONNY LEE MILLER

"Uh, no! Just testing the acoustics."

"I'm gonna give you a choice. Either you man up and be a decent dad, or you get to leave. Your choice!"

JLM

"Then I guess it's buh-bye!"

GULLY MCGRATH,

(dodges a falling mirror ball, which lets in sunlight which burns Johnny Dep)

"Wah! My daddy's leaving."

JOHNNY DEPP

"Is that my back that's smoking?"

Entire family

(backs away)

JACKIE EARLE HALEY

(sloshing Johnny with water)

"Never fear, I'm here to rescue you!"

JOHNNY DEPP

"Wait, I can explain!"

"Go 'way, you creepy man!"

"Do I know you?"

"We had a blink-or-you'll-miss it scene, where we bonded super fast on the stormy cliffs of COLLINSWOOD."

"BELLA, you seem like a DECENT ACTRESS. You should get a new agent."

Int. EVA GREEN'S LAIR

JOHNNY DEPP

"I think you're a big meanie for cursing me! I gotta drink blood. Do you know how much pain that gives me, the sensitive EMO GUY?"

EVE GREEN

"Oh, let me get out my violin. No wait, let's screw!"

"Uh…that's quite a non-sequitur."

"Just shut up, and do it!"

Int. HELENA's lair

JOHNNY DEPP

"Help! I've just murdered a bunch of hippies, and I'm hoping if you give me transfusion from them, I'll become human again!"

HELENA BONHAM CARTER

"You've had CGI-fueled sex, too recently. I can smell it on you!"

"Guilty."

HBC

"Have you ever been hypnotized before?"

"By your excellent child-birthing hips, yes! Er, what's that?"

HBC

(dangles chain in front of him)

"My castle, my rules."

Later

HBC

"So you're harboring a VAMPIRE?"

MICHELLE PFEIFFER

"Yep. And you find him HOT, don't you?"

HBC

"Do not, not, not….Oh, who am I kidding?"

Int. HELENA'S LAIR

JOHNNY DEPP (bursts in unannounced)

"You're using my blood to become a VAMPIRE! Curse you!"

HBC:

"But, but….it's only because I love you!"

(chomps into her neck)

"Say goodbye, cruel world! Now let's dump her body in the harbor before anyone notices."

JACKIE EARLE HALEY

(real line)

"I never liked the bitch anyway!"

Int. EVA GREEN'S LAIR

EVA GREEN

"JOHNNY, I'm gonna make you a deal. You stay with me, and I'll leave your little girlfriend, BELLA, alone and not make her jump off a cliff. Again."

"No way. CGI-sex is icky! I want a woman who's charmingly morose, with whom I can take many symbolic cliff walks."

(snaps her fingers so that a coffin appears)

"You had your chance. Now get ready for another 200 years of imprisonment! But first, I'm gonna blow you!"

"Noooo!"

GULLY McGRATH

(opens coffin)

"Not so fast. I'll save you."

(real line)

"Uncle Barnabas, why do you have ladies' underwear on your head?"

Ext. Outside the mansion with a herd of angry townspeople

EVA GREEN

(points to Jackie Earle Haley)

"There's the man who's been harboring a MURDEROUS VAMPIRE FUGITIVE. Go get him!"

(lighting match)

(real line)

"The Collins' blood built all this. Now they will bathe in it!"

CHLOE MORETZ, lunging at her on all fours, hair sprouting

"GRRR!"

MICHELLE PFEIFFER

"Young lady, you definitely need a new agent. Me too."

CHLOE MORETZ

(real line)

"That's right - I'm a werewolf, Mother. Deal with it."

"That's right - in a decidedly non-scary plot twist, I had a werewolf bite your kid when she was a baby. Ha-ha."

MICHELLE PFEIFFER

(aiming gun)

"Not my daughter, you BITCH!"

GULLY MCGRATH "Not so fast, here's my DEAD MOM to the RESCUE."

(Under breath)

"I'm only like, ten, but I definitely need a new agent, too."

EVA GREEN

"Ah! My face is crumbling like porcelain. I think this might be symbolic of how my power is dissipating!"

GMG

"Holy beep, that's our mansion that's burning!"

MICHELLE PFEIFFER

"Don't worry, if we do a fixing-stuff-up-montage, rebuilding won't take long."

GMG

"Whew, I was worried there for a moment."

Meanwhile BELLA HEATHCOTE takes off, while JOHNNY DEPP crashes through the woods in hot pursuit.

"Come back, I love you!"

"Go 'way! I am of the sun, and you are of the dark. So

I'm gonna off myself!"

"Oh, like the movie hasn't had enough drama already? No, wait, I'll stop the world and jump with you!"

(goes underwater, then re-surfaces)

"Egads, the curse is broken! Now the AUDIENCE is free to go."

AUDIENCE

(blinks dazedly)

"Were we just hypnotized into watching that entire thing?"

DIRECTOR TIM BURTON

"Don't be a smartass."

END