All translations, explanations, advertisements, and thought processes are at the end of the chapter.
Disclaimer: All shows/ books/ video games/ songs that are mentioned in this chapter are all © to their respective owners, I don't own them.
*** CONGRATULATIONS! ***
You are now the proud owner of a GLORFINDEL GOLDEN-FLOWER vanyarin elf!
Follow the guidelines in this manual and your GLORFINDEL will give you and your descendents centuries of quality performance.
INSTALLATION
When you receive your GLORFINDEL, he will come safely packaged in a wooden crate. Before opening, please ensure that the arrows on the box are pointing in an upwards position. Locate the front panel, which is indicated by the packaging slip. IMPORTANT! Keep your packing slip as it also contains return shipping labels in the event that you need to have your GLORFINDEL returned to our company. Once you have removed the slip, knock once on the front panel to alert your unit to your presence. The should be some sort of a responce, if there isn't GLORFINDEL is unconscious. Open crate and unwrap him from his elven cloak by unpinning the simple brooch. It is not necessary to remove any other garments at this stage.
Your GLORFINDEL should arrive fully assembled and powered up. Please check that you have all his accessories (see below) and that you have been issued with the correct edition of the GLORFINDEL.
(a) Mark I GLORFINDEL (copyright Tolkien, 1954)
(b) Mark II GLORFINDEL (copyright Jackson/Benzon, 2001)
TECHNICAL SPECIFICATIONS
Name: Glorfindel (aka Glorfindel, Chief of the House of the Golden Flower[can be shortened to: Golden-Flower])
Type: Vanyarin/Calaquendi Elf
Site of Manufacture: Valinor and Gondolin Inc.
Height: 6'7"– 6'10" (About average height for a vanyarin elf-lord)
Weight: Negligible (as shown in tests on snow)
Length: Data not available
Electrical Connection: Not necessary
Color:
*Mk I GLORFINDEL–Golden hair
*Mk II GLOFINDEL– Blond
ACCESSORIES
The items with which your GLORFINDEL comes equipped, depend on which edition of the vanyarin-elf you have purchased.
*Mk I GLORINDEL: Has several tunics, breeches, light shoes, carries one long sword, silver-studded leather flask containing Miruvor, and of course, the necessary elven hair care products to keep his golden or blond hair shimmering and flowing in the wind.
*Mk II GLORFINDEL: Same as above without the flask.
*Both editions are equipped with grey elven cloaks and bows.
*To make your GLORFINDEL more portable, you may wish to purchase the ASFALOTH horse module. Both ASFALOTH modules come with a complete set of tack and a saddle with bells attached.
*** CAUTION *** It is not uncommon for the GLORFINDEL model to call out "Ai na vedui Dúnadan! Mae govannen!" when you first unpack your unit from his crate. Do not be alarmed. If this occurs greet your GLORFINDEL in a similar fashion and in a kindly manner educate him as to your actual name.
Also, do not get a Mk II ASFALOTH unless you want it to be stolen by a Mk II ARWEN unit. Your GLORFINDEL MK II unit will immediately switch to hostile mode until the ASFALOTH module is returned.
OPERATING PROCEDURE
Your GLORFINDEL has been designed to be user-friendly and efficient. His controls are voice activated. Please state your instructions clearly in English, Sindarin or Quenya.
Your GLORFINDEL is not only a lovely decoration for your home but can be utilized for many handy activities including: riding out in search of wayward Hobbits, tending to the injured, and revealing his wrath to frighten off any pesky Nazgûl who might be wandering in the vicinity of your home.
Search and Rescue Unit:
Your GLORFINDEL model is highly proficient in riding out alone in search of lost Hobbits. This function can easily be adapted to recover lost pets or family members. And for recreational purposes: hide and seek.
Bodyguard:
Your GLORFINDEL is not only one of the mighty of the Eldar in the Third Age, but the Chief of the HOUSE of the Golden Flower. And your GLORFINDEL model is not the least bit afraid of Ringwraiths. He also makes a good escort late at night when about the town.
Martial instructor:
Being an Elf-lord who led forces that routed out Angmar, your GLORFINDEL unit is proficient in melee fighting and highly adept in the use of a number of weapons and would be more than happy to instruct you.
Cook:
As with most male Eldar, your GLORFINDEL loves to cook. Note: with the slight variations from model to model your unit might not cook at all.
Painkiller:
Your GLORFINDEL can be used as a masseuse and can relieve the pain of bumps, bruises and cuts at the touch of his fingertips.
Illumination:
Faintly glowing skin is a standard feature of the Calaquendi-elf model. Make the most of this attribute by using your GLORFINDEL as a night-light in your child's bedroom.
Child-minding:
For the most effective child-minding service, take your children's shoes and socks off, glue fur to their feet and tell your GLORFINDEL that they are hobbits. He will guard them with his life.
Horticulture:
The GLORFINDEL is programmed with a vast knowledge of horticultural practices and can even provide lessons in gardening. Let your GLORFINDEL loose in your garden and watch it bloom.
Recitation:
As with all quality Elves, your GLORFINDEL's memory contains a great many stories and poems. This makes him ideal for the telling of tales to small children.
Winter Chores:
Due to your elf's remarkably light construction, he can walk on snow and can therefore be sent on errands if you find yourself snowbound.
*** CAUTION *** Your GLORFINDEL is a fullyfunctional male elf and is capable of providing many other services around the home. However certain tasks should not be undertaken by owners who are in a stable relationship with another human. Improper use of a GLORFINDEL by such owners can result in permanent damage to marital contentment and the commencement of divorce proceedings.
COMPATIBILITY WITH OTHER MODELS
You will find that your GLORFINDEL is mostly compatible with other Elves and humans.
The GLORFINDEL models have three modes of interaction:
(a) Hostile
(b) Friendly
(c) Slash
*** WARNING *** It is essential that both the units be set to the same interaction mode. If one model is set to 'Hostile' while the GLORFINDEL is set to 'Slash', your elf could be fatally damaged.
CLEANING
Your GLORFINDEL model, being an elf, does not require frequent cleansing, but creature comforts when not out in the wilds are much appreciated and thorough instruction to the operation of your shower is required. Feel free to join your GLORFINDEL to help further instruct him in proper bathing procedures. Most owners of GLORFINDEL units find that herbal body gels are popular and are a potential favorite for your own GLORFINDEL and a good supply should be on hand. You'll find your GLORFINDEL to have softer and smoother skin than when first unpacked. To keep his hair shinning, don't forget to use the Elven hair care products that came with your unit.
Owners of GLORFINDEL models also find their skin improved as your unit is very proficient in the application of scrubs, various oils and lotions to those owners who give regular lessons in bathing.
Once showered, wrap your GLORFINDEL in a large towel (or small, depending on owner preference) and gently buff dry. DO NOT use a blow dryer on hair. This can trigger your GLORFINDEL to go into a wrathful, protective mode and your dryer might be irreparably damaged before your unit can be properly soothed into his default behavioral mode. If you can get your unit used to the noise and heat of your hair dryer feel free to use it. But it is recommended to towel dry your GLORFINDEL as your unit has done so for uncountable centuries.
Carefully comb hair from tip to root and braid in your unit's preferred fashion.
Once bathing is complete dress him in his still pristine traveling clothes. Feel free to purchase more modern clothing from a local retailer. Note: acceptance of said clothing depends on your model's tastes and the style and quality of clothing. Clothes bought direct from the manufacturer are generally preferred by GLORFINDEL units and can easily be purchased through a catalogue or online.
RECHARGING
After long periods of use, your GLORFINDEL's energy levels may become depleted. Use the following procedures to recharge your elf:
Food:
The GLORFINDEL does not need as much food as the Meriadoc or Peregrin halfling models, but he benefits from regular refuelling with lembas.
Drink:
If your GLORFINDEL's energy is almost spent, administer one mouthful of Miruvor or an infusion of Athelas. Under normal circumstances, river water is quite adequate to maintain correct elf hydration. Your GLORFINDEL may try to convince you that he needs red wine to maintain the perfect balance of electrolytes. This is not true. Excessive drinking of wine in elves can lead to malfunctions (e.g. escape of captive dwarves in the case of the wood-elves).
Sleep:
You may be surprised by the small amount of sleep that your GLORFINDEL needs in order to maintain optimum performance. This is due to his enhanced 'Sleeping-While-Walking-Along' functionality.
REPROGRAMMING
The Mk II GLORFINDEL can be issued with a revised 'Return of the King' program from December 2003. Please see your local cinema for details of this upgrade.
It is not possible to reprogram the Mk I GLORFINDEL.
SETTINGS
The GLORFINDEL unit can be programmed with custom settings for the experienced owner, but for the beginner, GLORFINDEL has preset modes:
*Family Instinct - in this mode, GLORFINDEL acts fatherly to young children, lost animals, and small beings (Read: Hobbits). This mode can help trigger the Doting Husband setting in the right conditions.
*Gleeful Elfling - this mode will make your GLORFINDEL cheerful, cheeky, fun-loving, and fond of merrymaking.
*Friendly Elf-lord- not to be confused with the Family Instinct setting, GLORFINDEL will act equally civil to everyone he meets. However, if provoked, will lose friendly personality with the provoker. Will be polite but firm with trespassers, criminals, and disobedient children.
Custom and/or developed settings
*Overprotective Elf-lord- not to be confused with the Possesive Elf-lord will be acting like an overprotective big brother and/or father when you are around other males while in the Family Instinct setting.
*Possessive Elf-Lord - occurs while in the Doting Husband setting. You may find you GLORFINDEL does not like to share you with other males that carry the possiblity, not matter how unlikely, of wooing you or carting you off. Usually this will only apply to single males.
*Smitten Elf-Lord - occurs when GLORFINDEL develops feelings for someone or is set to this program. While in this setting unit will attempt to court Object Of Affection (OOA)
*Doting Husband - occurs while in the Family Instinct setting or, if not already in it, causes Family Instinct setting. Setting is unique to each OOA; however if this is a custom setting, it will be generic.
*Slash- Caution must be exercised while in this setting. (See above.)
Find more customs settings on our site as well as instructions on how to program them into your GLORFINDEL.
SECURITY
Thanks to the popularity of the GLORFINDEL(especially the Mk II looking so similar to the Mk II LEGOLAS), it essential that you observe the following security procedures for the safekeeping of your elf.
* Have your GLORFINDEL micro-chipped. Choose a service engineer who is experienced in the handling of elves to carry out this procedure.
* Do not leave your GLORFINDEL unattended in public.
* Do not lend your GLORFINDEL to anyone (e.g. best friend, sister) unless you know for sure that they have their own model(s) of choice.
* Do not leave your GLORFINDEL on the passenger seat of the car in full view of passers by.
*** CAUTION *** Your GLORFINDEL may tell you that the best way to keep from getting lost is to tie his wrists to the bedpost with silk scarves. DO NOT BELIEVE HIM! Follow his suggestion, by all means, but do not think for one minute that it has anything to do with security.
FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS
Q: Can I take my GLORFINDEL on holiday with me?
A:Yes, but you must avoid seaside locations with any ELROND OR GALADRIEL models in the vicinity. Instead consider taking your GLORFINDEL on vacation to the English Lake District or Sherwood Forest. A North American owner may want to take his or her GLORFINDEL hiking on the Appalachian Trail. He will probably carry all your gear for you and will never get lost!
Q: I have read in some Fan Fiction that my GLORFINDEL could become pregnant. Is this true?
A:Absolutely not! Nor can he be transformed into a woman or lose his elven powers of sight and hearing. Contrary to Fan Fiction lore, your GLORFINDEL is unlikely to become injured at the drop of a hat or fall hopelessly in love with a teenage girl who has been miraculously transported from 21st Century America into Middle Earth.
Q: Where should I store my GLORFINDEL when he is not in use?
A:Generally speaking your GLORFINDEL should be kept in a tree-house when he is not in use. Wrap him in his elven cloak and he will stay in perfect working order. If your GLORFINDEL and other models are both set to 'Slash' mode, you may find that you have to put said other model in the tree-house too.
Q: My neighbor has a FRODO unit and whenever near my GLORFINDEL picks him up and looks at him with grave anxiety and will not put him down till he has examined the FRODO unit's shoulder. Should I worry about this?
A: This is normal behavior, but can be prevented by informing your GLORFINDEL that FRODO is in no danger and is well taken care of by your neighbor. If this does not work threaten to restrict his privileges as mentioned in the answer to the next question.
Q: My GLORFINDEL is very cheerful, but lately has become sullen. What is wrong?
A: This usually occurs with owners who only have the GLORFINDEL unit and no others. Though most ELF units can be solitary for a time they need exposure to friends and male companions. Consider purchasing a compatible unit to keep your unit company. Or try renting an ARAGORN unit for a few days and let them talk and go on yikes. Your GLORFINDEL should return to his normal behavioral mode. To prevent this from occurring again, rent an ARAGORN periodically or the ELROND and ERESTOR models so your GLORFINDEL can engage in lordly activities such as planning the proper running and defense of your household and the disposal of pesky demonic semi-sentient jewel that a FRODO unit might have left in your house.
TROUBLE SHOOTING
Problem:Your GLORFINDEL keeps climbing the trees in your back garden and won't come down.
Solution:Shout 'Daro' in a commanding tone and your GLORFINDEL should drop back to earth in surprise and fear.
Problem:Your GLORFINDEL seems distracted and there is a faraway look in his eyes.
Solution:Your GLORFINDEL has become afflicted with a 'Sea Longing' malfunction. There is no cure. The only choice is to send him, to Valinor (see Yellow Pages for address).
Problem:Your GLORFINDEL has dishevelled hair, torn clothes, love-bites and a dazed expression.
Solution:Adjust the 'Slash' setting on both your GLORFINDEL and other models from NC17 to PG13.
Problem:Your GLORFINDEL sleeps with his eyes open.
Solution:This is perfectly normal behavior for an elf and is nothing to worry about. He is simply running the 'Blending Living Night And Deep Dream' program.
Problem:Your GLORFINDEL sleeps with his eyes shut.
Solution:This is a warning sign that your GLORFINDEL is seriously injured or in need of energy boost. If providing Miruvor or Lembas does not work, contact your local elf service engineer as soon as possible.
Problem:Minutes after you open your GLORFINDEL, your front garden becomes inundated with screaming teenage girls wielding 'Marry Me, Legolas!' banners.
Solution:This phenomenon is not unknown with the Mk II GLORFINDEL. Take the following steps:
(1) Announce that your unit is, in fact, a GLORFINDEL.
(2) If any are still left, call the police.
Problem:Your spouse has become curiously withdrawn and uncommunicative. He or she may even have threatened your GLORFNDE with physical violence.
Solution:Ask yourself if you are spending too much time with your GLORFINDEL. Have been neglecting your spouse? Perhaps you have said or done something to offend him/her? For example, talked to your partner in Sindarin all afternoon or cried out the wrong name at a moment of intimate crisis?
***Warning*** If you engage in a relationship of sorts with your GLORFINDEL unit do not allow your GLORFINDEL unit within sight of your boyfriend or spouse. This can cause your unit to go into the grieving mode that is most unbecoming to the unit and can even cause death. Or, in rare cases, can trip your unit into a jealous wrathful mode and all weapons should be hidden from your unit to prevent said boyfriend/spouse from having pointy objects brandished at them.
It is highly recommended that those owners who have said significant others forgo such activities with their GLORFINDEL units as it is detrimental to the health of your unit and your relationship with your significant other.
Problem: Your GLORFINDEL can exhibit odd behaviors like running around your house, mostly on top of furniture, shouting and brandishing a sword at a very large nonexistent foe. This behavior is coupled with rapid changes to shouting oaths at the Witch King who, thankfully, isn't there.
Solution: Your GLORFINDEL is stuck in a loop where GONDOLIN and THIRD AGE modes are trying to become the dominant mode. Most GLORFINDEL units are set in THIRD AGE mode. This malfunction requires drastic measures to fix. A swift knock on the head with a blunt instrument often works, but your GLORFINDEL unit is dangerous at this time and the retailer should be immediately contacted and a special task force of ELROND, GILDOR, ECTHELION and TURGON units will be sent to your house to subdue your GLORFINDEL. This will incur a fee, but the response units are yours for the rest of the day.
Problem: Your GLORFINDEL, upon entering your home, rifles through your jewelry box and begins to hoard shiny objects under your bed. And exhibits these behaviors: hostile to strangers, malevolence and distrust towards Dwarves and requests wine and large meals on a regular basis.
Solution: You have accidentally been issued a THRANDUIL model. With time any unwanted behavior can be changed, but if you still desire a GLORFINDEL model please return the THRANDUIL unit to the distributor and request an exchange.
Problem: Your GLORFINDEL persistently sneaks out of the house to stay at GALADRIEL's house.
Solution: You have accidentally been issued with a CELEBORN model. If this is not to your liking, please return CELEBORN to your place of purchase and receive the correct model.
FINAL NOTE
Your GLORFINDEL unit is guaranteed against defect for 6,342,000 months. Should you wish to purchase the optional extended warranty contact the manufacturer. If all procedures in this manual are followed meticulously your GLORFINDEL unit should provide you with many years of satisfaction. In order to avoid bitter arguments between your children, remember to record in your Last Will and Testament which of them will inherit your elf.
To Be Continued...
First chapter done... *Insert relieved sigh here.* I am planning to make an actual story here. It will be a sort of AU Fan Fiction of 'A Ring of Endless Light.' This is the product of various "An Owner's Guide and maintainance Manual" Fan Fictions.
Credit of this chapter belongs to Theresa Green. What plot idea I plan to do afterwards belongs to me. I will be having some inspiration and reference to the anime/mangas Absolute Boyfriend and Chobits.