Can't Wait
The Usual Disclaimer: Don't own Eureka. If I did, I wouldn't have canceled it. But I might have rewritten this episode (One Small Step)
"You want to know if I'll wait for you," Jo said softly. Zane nodded. "Yeah."
"I can't promise that." Zane leaned forward, expression worried. "Because you don't know how you feel about me?" Jo shook her head. "No, because there's a lot of things I don't know about now, and I can't tell you until I do."
Zane was quiet for a moment. "Honesty. I didn't think we'd get here." Jo smiled slightly. "I guess you never know where the day will take you."
She watched Zane's face, wondering if he understood her hesitance to give him the assurance that he seemed to want. If he did, he was ahead of her, because she barely understood it herself. The realization that she didn't need to go to Titan to prove herself had started her down a path, but where it might lead wasn't clear.
What was clear was that she'd repeatedly allowed herself to be pulled into situations during both timelines, only to balk at the altar, so to speak. In the old timeline, her desire to be part of a couple had led her to dive in deep with Zane, then freeze when he took the initiative to make their commitment permanent. Apparently, she'd done the same with Taggart in this timeline. The pattern had repeated itself with the mission to Titan-she'd backed away just as acceptance had been within reach.
It was time to figure out what was driving her to stop short as soon as her goal was nearly in hand before she—and anyone else—got hurt again. In ways she couldn't begin to articulate, it felt like she was actually honoring what she and Zane might have one day by not making him a promise she might not keep. Her resolution, however, wavered as she watched his developing reaction to her words.
Zane didn't have the benefit of Jo's perspective regarding her behavior. He was perceptive enough to recognize that she wasn't saying that she didn't care for him—that, in fact, she might even love him. And he really did appreciate her honesty, as the dancing around the truth they'd both been doing for weeks had grown old. But the fact remained that she was keeping her options open to see other people while he was a billion miles away.
He sat quietly, eyes fixed on the Café Diem counter, surprised at the wave of emotions he felt at the idea of Jo with another man. With an almost scientific detachment, Zane noted that his chest was tightening, making it difficult to breathe. If he was a very different kind of guy, one less accustomed to moving from one casual relationship to the next, he might characterize his reaction as…unhappy. Or hurt. Or frustrated. Or maybe all of the above.
Nearly as odd was the realization that Fargo had been right. He and Jo had let their relationship drift without making any effort to set or even identify its course. Now, with only a week remaining before he left for Titan, it might be too late to fix what they'd allowed to become broken. Closing his eyes, Zane visualized himself in space, lying on his bunk thinking of Jo. Of Jo dressing up for someone else. Jo having dinner with someone else. Jo making love to someone else. Jo falling in love—with someone else.
Suddenly he had to move, to push himself physically away from the kinds of thoughts and emotions he'd rarely experienced. He stood quickly. Startled, Jo extended her hand toward him, but he stepped back, just beyond her reach.
"Zane?," she asked. Zane smiled, but his expression was sad. "I'm glad we talked, Jo, really I am. I wish we'd done it sooner." His mouth twisted. "Although, never having had a conversation like this that didn't come out like I wanted it to, maybe it's just as well I get to…" he gestured up toward space. "Go away. Don't know if I'd be any good at staying around watching you decide how…things will turn out." Jo started to object, but Zane held his hand up to stall her.
"I know I haven't been a model of clarity myself, but I'm confused here, Jo. I get that there are things you need to work out. Really. I get that you aren't sure about us, and I get that you need time to figure that out. But you'll have it—I'll be gone for six months. So what I don't get is why you want to close the door on us now, rather than waiting so we at least have a chance."
"Zane, I'm not closing the door on us…" Jo tried to pull him back down, looking around to see who might be overhearing their conversation. But Zane shook her hand off, giving a short laugh that was entirely without humor. "Does it really matter who hears us, Jo? You'll be free of me in a week." Vaguely, Zane realized that his rising emotions were tipping toward anger. He knew losing his temper would only make things worse, but couldn't stop himself.
"Well, actually, you've always been free of me. No commitment here—that would only be romanticizing our relationship, right?" Jo winced at Zane's reference to what she'd said when she gave his grandmother's ring back. "I don't measure up—not even to myself. I get it." They looked at each other for a long moment. Tears welled up in Jo's eyes, but she let her hand and eyes drop.
Watching her, the fight seemed to drain from Zane. "Go ahead, Jo," he said, tone now defeated. "Do whatever you need to do to find what—or who-will make you happy. If you need to hook up with other guys to find that, feel free—you can do it with a clear conscience. In fact, whatever it is, just do it. I won't get in your way."
Zane paused, then took a deep breath, eyes closing again briefly. When he continued, his voice was calm again. "I really do want you to be happy, JoJo. I wish I could be the one to give you that…" He leaned forward to kiss her lightly on the cheek. "But I guess we've finally run out of time."
Turning, Zane walked slowly out of the restaurant. Jo watched him go, the lump in her throat too large for her to call after him. She nearly shook with the desire to follow, to promise him that she'd be there for him, when he returned and always after. Letting him go, hands wide open, made no sense at all.
For almost three years, through changes in each of them and in time itself, she'd thought there was nothing she wanted more but to be with Zane. Now, as in the other timeline, he'd put himself on the line to make that happen. Yet she couldn't bring herself to move from her seat, paralyzed by an agonizing certainty that the pain she was causing them was somehow necessary.
But if it wasn't, if she was wrong, she'd just allowed the love of her life to walk away. Again. Walk away in the mistaken belief that she didn't care as much for him as he did for her. Again. Had she broken a pattern, or merely cemented it in place? She stared unseeingly at the floor, wishing desperately that she could travel through time just once more, to be sure that her future, and Zane's, would unfold as they should. But in truth, any hope that their futures would be together was fading.
The tears that had welled in Jo's eyes finally began to fall.
A/N: Frankly, Jo deserves to cry after her behavior during tonight's episode. All I can say is….WHAT THE HECK WAS THAT? Even the actors seemed confused about how they were supposed to sell their characters acting so out of character. Not to mention years of plotline…
*insert unhappy face here*