Title: Reflections
Summary: Sam thinks about everything that has happened, and the possibilities for the future. S/J
Disclaimer: I do not own anything, if I did I would be rolling in dough instead of battling through doing five subjects at uni and working as a checkout chick at a supermarket on the weekends.
Spoilers: "Threads". This takes place right after the scene on the dock.
/
She lay in bed wide-awake, staring at the ceiling and watching the dancing light of the moon that was reflected off the surface of the lake below. A light breeze flowed through the window, the tan brown curtains gently swaying in reply. Pressing a button on the side of her watch, the display illuminated and read 0331. Resigning herself to the fact that she was never going to sleep, Sam pulled back the quilt and stepped down off the bed into the wooden floors beneath. Stalking silently down the hallway, past the rooms of her teammates, she made her way carefully across the lounge room, trying to avoid the creaking of the floor boards. Sliding open the glass door, Sam stepped out onto the patio, the chill of the cool breeze immediately caught her by surprise. Clutching her arms closer to her chest for warmth, she took a seat on the bench that sat adjacent to the edge of the patio; sliding her legs underneath her for warmth. A railing was the only thing that separated Sam from the shimmering water below. Closing her eyes and inhaling deeply, Sam immediately felt a sense of peace. The only sound that could be heard was the continuous chirping of crickets from the trees in the distance, the sound echoing over the expanse of the lake.
It was the first opportunity Sam had to take time to think about the events of the past few weeks. It had started with the Replicator attack against the System Lords and the subsequent discovery of the ancient weapon at Dakkara. To the outside observer it was just SG1 saving the galaxy again, but to Sam it felt like it was getting harder and harder to defeat the enemy's they came across. She felt that one day she may not have all the answers, that one day they would meet an enemy they could not defeat.
It was made all the more difficult by the fact they had nearly lost Daniel again. It was a pain she had hoped she would never have to experience again. She was just grateful to have her close friend back again. But despite these and subsequent events, Sam couldn't steer her thoughts away from the more personal events that had taken place.
So much had happened in such a short space of time, that Sam's mind barely had time to register it all. The death of her father had been incredibly difficult; but just remembering the gift they had been given by the Tokra, four extra years to become closer as father and daughter than they had ever been before. It gave Sam a strange sense of closure. But even in death, her father had given her the guidance she so desperately needed. At a time when she was about to begin the next chapter of her life. His words had forced Sam to consider the priorities in her life and the reasons for the decisions she had made. It made her question everything in her life, her work, her family, her future. Sam had always held onto the childhood dream of having a perfect life. A life like any other person. A normal life. The husband, the kids, the beautiful home with her as the super soccer mum. She wanted so badly to steer away from the disruption of her own childhood with her father being in the military. But she finally had come to realisation that her life was not normal, that it never would be. Sam had inadvertently closed the door to that life when she had joined the Stargate Program. And after everything she had experienced, Sam knew she couldn't give up the adventure and discoveries that came with the Stargate to begin a new life. This was her life.
For the first time in several years, Sam allowed herself to listen to her heart. A part of herself she had hidden away in fear. And it was her heart that made her finally make the decision to let Pete go. Despite the fact that she loved him, Sam couldn't continue on to the next stage of their relationship knowing that she would always be looking back and wondering what could have been. Pete deserved someone who was fully committed to the relationship, not someone who would be constantly second-guessing the choices they made.
The time had come for her to create another dream for her life. She still wanted most of the things that everyone else had in their lives, including children. But she didn't want to compromise her heart for it. It just meant that she may have to wait a little longer than most people.
But the familiarity she had been looking forward to getting back to after breaking her engagement and her father's death was being slowly eroded away. Now that they had defeated the Replicators, and with only a few minor Goa'uld's still around but who were not nearly as powerful without their loyal Jaffa armies, the priorities of the people around her had begun to shift. Daniel was giddy with anticipation at being part of the mission to Atlantis, and would not doubt want to spend a significant amount of time studying the ancient city. The newly formed Jaffa council also wanted Teal'c to remain on Dakkara to take up a permanent position, and to assist in recruiting to remaining loyal Jaffa. She knew how hard Teal'c and Bra'tac had worked to free the Jaffa from Goa'uld enslavement and she didn't want to stand in the way of Teal'c finally experiencing the reality of finally achieving that dream. And that just left her. She didn't know what she wanted to do. She didn't know whether or not she could remain on SG1, knowing it could never be the same as it once was. She felt slightly lost, wandering around searching for something that would inspire and challenge her. But she also had to think about Cassie, who was having difficulties of her own. Sam had to be there for her, she felt like it was her responsibility to help Cassie now that Janet was gone. Sam found herself needing to make a decision about what direction to take, sooner, rather than later.
/
Back inside the cabin, Jack stumbled out of bed in grey sweat pants and singlet. Running his fingers through his hair vigorously, he made his way sleepily through the dark towards the kitchen. He flicked on the light over the oven, before reaching over and hitting the button on the coffee machine. While Jack waited for the coffee machine, he absently glanced out across the patio and caught a familiar figure sitting on the bench in front of the water. Grabbing a jacket from the stand beside the door and throwing it over his shoulders, he quietly slipped outside and padded across the timber deck towards the figure.
The tranquil feeling that had enveloped Sam suddenly shifted as her military senses kicked in, feeling the presence of someone behind her. Turning her head slightly, Sam saw Jack approach.
"Sir, what are you doing up?" She asked curiously.
"I kept waking up expecting Walter to call with some emergency." Jack replied sarcastically, before taking a seat beside her. "I could ask you the same question." He added.
"I couldn't sleep." Sam admitted quietly. Jack looked over at Sam, his eyes searching her face for an indication of what she was feeling.
"Want to talk about it?" He offered cautiously. Sam shifted uncomfortably, looking down at her hands.
"I was just thinking about my dad." She murmured. When Jack didn't immediately respond, Sam glanced over at him.
"Everything's just been so crazy, this is the first chance I've gotten to process everything that's happened." Sam returned her gaze to the horizon. "It's so peaceful here, I can see why you like it so much." She added.
"Yeah, it's great." Jack replied, following her gaze. A few moments of silence past before Jack felt Sam shiver beside him.
"Come here." Jack reached his arm over the back of the bench, his hand resting just behind Sam's right shoulder. Sam gazed into his eyes, looking for any resistance. But not finding any, Sam slid across the bench towards him, and leaned in to rest against his chest, her head resting in the crook of his neck as she felt his arm curl protectively around her body.
"Thank you." Sam snuggled into the warmth that radiated from his body; the familiar scent that was uniquely Jack O'Neill had calming effect on her, and managed to quieten the little voices in her head telling her that this couldn't happen
"What about you? How's…" Sam trailed off, knowingly exactly what she wanted to say but couldn't bring herself to say the name.
"…Kerry?" He prompted, his throat constricting slightly. Sam smiled in embarrassment.
"Actually, she broke up with me." Jack admitted quietly, his eyes falling to focus on the waves of Sam's blonde hair. Sam's eyebrows shot up in surprise,
"Oh, I'm sorry." Sam replied automatically, feeling like it was the appropriate response to give. But deep down inside she wasn't sorry. In fact she was secretly celebrating, hoping that this meant that there was still a chance for them.
"No, it's fine." Jack assured her, It was in that moment that he decided that it was time to tell Sam the truth about how he felt. If he didn't do it now, he was afraid he never would.
"Actually… she had this crazy idea that I was in love with someone from the SGC." He revealed carefully, still unable to make eye contact for fear of her reaction. Sam was momentarily stunned, not knowing quite how to react to Kerry's observation. She wondered how obvious it had really been that they had feelings for each other? She couldn't help but feel slightly guilty for any hurt Kerry had experienced, it was guilt she had also felt for Pete when she had told him the truth about her feelings for Jack.
"Really?" Sam asked, trying to hide her surprise. She recognised that this was Jack's way of telling her how he felt without totally exposing himself. It was a method she had seen him use before, and she was willing to play along if it meant they were finally going to reveal their true feelings.
"Yeah, told me I should retire over it." Jack continued, his tone turning slightly solemn as he remembered how hurt Kerry had sounded during their brief conversation.
"So what's this person like… the one you're supposed to be in love with?" She inquired, glancing upwards to see his reaction. Jack fixed his gaze at the horizon, where small shafts of light from the rising sun were streaking across the sky.
"Oh, you know, blonde, 5ft 9, good soldier, but a bit of a geek." He described casually, a smile tugging at the corner of his mouth.
"Geek huh?" Sam asked in a joking tone, a mischievous smile gracing her lips. When Jack finally got the courage to look down into Sam's eyes, he saw her smile and the twinkling in her eye, and he relaxed slightly.
"Yeah." He replied, his smile widening slightly, still maintaining eye contact.
"So does this woman know how you feel about her?" Sam inquired curiously, her eyes diverting away briefly under his intense gaze.
"Oh… I'm pretty sure she does." Jack replied, watching as Sam tilted her head up and her eyes sought his. They stayed in that moment, their eyes locked on each other as they silently communicated exactly what they were feeling. Love, respect, trust, desire. Everything that most people needed to verbalise, they shared silently as their eyes acted as the conduit for their true feelings. And it was as if the force of their desire was pulling them together, as their faces drew closer together, Jack's eyes flickered down to Sam's mouth, watching her tongue dart out and run across her lips to moisten them. Their lips touched, tenderly caressing the other before their mouths parted, their tongues gently probing each other's. Eventually Sam pulled away, knowing that they had to stop before things went too far. Returning her head to its initial position, Jack placed a final kiss on her temple, pulling her closer to his body to maintain the intimacy. Sam let out a small contented sigh, thinking that the moment was better than she had ever imagined it would be.
"It's me, isn't it?" She asked belated.
"Yeah." Jack confirmed casually, causing Sam to erupt in a fit of giggles, snuggling her face into his chest to muffle the sound. The two sat in companionable silence, looking across the surface of the lake, lost in their own thoughts.
"Why didn't we say that years ago?" Jack asked, completely out of the blue.
"Actually, I'm glad we didn't." Sam admitted. Jack loosened his hold around Sam, and she sat up in his arms and took in his confused and slightly hurt expression.
"Not that I didn't want to, because I have wanted to for a long time. It's just that I've been thinking…" She began,
"I didn't know you stopped." Jack interjected jokingly, receiving an irritated glare from Sam.
"Sorry. Continue." He relented, holding up a hand in surrender.
"I was thinking that with both alternate realities that we've experienced, where their Sam and Jack were in a relationship, they've been within a hairs breadth of total annihilation by the Goa'uld. It was only with help from us that they both managed to survive." She reviewed. Jack's facial features drew together in concentration.
"And…" Jack prompted her.
"Well maybe the fact that we waited as long as we did was the right thing to do. I mean if something had happened before now, either you or I would have had to resign our commissions. And who knows how that would've affected the timeline." Sam illustrated. Jack paused for a moment, processing what Sam had said before replying.
"Well if you put it that way, I'm glad I waited too." He acknowledged with a smile.
"Although that does bring us to the next logical question…" Sam began, her eyes shifting downwards nervously.
"What are we going to do about the regulations?" Jack posed reluctantly. Sam simply nodded.
"Well, believe it or not, I think George has solved that problem for us." He suggested. Sam's eyebrows drew together in confusion,
"General Hammond? How?" She asked curiously.
"George is being promoted, and he wants me to come and take over his position as Head of Homeworld Security." Jack explained carefully, not knowing how Sam would react to his promotion.
"In Washington?" Sam inquired, somewhat in disbelief.
"Yeah." Sam was momentarily speechless. She couldn't believe what she was hearing. He was leaving the SGC. He was leaving her.
"But, who's going to take over the SGC?" She asked dazed, not having fully processed everything.
"An old buddy of mine, Hank Landry. He's a good guy." Jack assured her, hoping it would soften the blow that he could see his transfer was having on her.
"What about us?" She inquired, her voice rising slightly with emotion. "It's not going to be much of a relationship if we're on separate sides of the country? And it's a desk job, you hate paperwork." She pointed out vehemently.
"Yeah well, I guess I'll get use to it." Jack replied halfheartedly. It wasn't like he was looking forward to all that paperwork either, not to mention dealing with politicians day in, day ourt. Sam took his hand, fixing his gaze with a defiant stare.
"You don't have to do this. I don't want you to do this for me. I don't want you to be miserable just so we can be together." She told him adamantly. Sam couldn't live with herself if he did it for her, and secretly resented her for it because he was so unhappy.
"Hey, I wouldn't accept the position if I didn't really want it." Jack assured her.
"The fact is my knees have had it. To be honest I wanted to retire, but the President thinks I'm too valuable." He explained, with a hint of sarcasm.
"You are." Sam affirmed. Jack shifted uncomfortably,
"Well this is the best way to make everyone happy." He added. Sam waited for a few moments before tears began to form in her eyes. She looked away from Jack in embarrassment, not wanting him to see her weakness. But Jack had seen the tears, raising a hand to her face, he brushed his thumb across her cheek to coax her into turning back to face him.
"Hey, what's wrong?" He asked softly. Sam took a deep breath, trying to steady her emotions.
"It just feels like everything is changing." She said wistfully.
"What do you mean?"
"Well Daniel's joining the mission to Atlantis, the Jaffa High Council want Teal'c to stay on Dakkara. And now you're leaving to go to Washington. Everyone's leaving, and I'm the one being left behind." She explained, trying to hold back another wave of tears.
"So why don't you go do something else?" Jack suggested gently.
"Like what? I don't know what I want to do." Sam declared, throwing her hands up in defeat. Jack took her hands in his, trying to calm her. He knew this was not something that Sam was used to, not having a strong purpose in her life. And it was frightening prospect for her. He desperately wanted to help her.
"What about Area 51?"
"Area 51?" Sam repeated carefully.
"Yeah. Hammond told me that they need a new head of R&D in the Science Department. Sounds like it would be perfect for you." He clarified. Sam took a moment to think the idea over,
"It would be good to work on studying new alien technologies and trying to develop Earth-bound applications, especially for something like the Naquadah generator, which has the potential to significantly reduced our dependence on fossil fuels as an energy source." Sam mused out loud. Jack smiled; knowing that if something got her to start with the technobabble again then it was definitely a good idea.
"There you go." He said encouragingly.
"Besides you'll have the time to be there for Cassie, and you can leave your underlings to run things while you go and visit your favourite General." He added, with a sly smile.
"Well I haven't seen General Hammond in a while." She joked with a smile.
"Funny." He replied mockingly.
"I thought so." Sam said, letting a small laugh escape. Jack pulled Sam back into his arms, returning to their newly found comfort zone.
"So, how about it?" He posed to her. Sam looked at up at him and nodded.
"Sounds, great." She agreed.
"Excellent! " Jack exclaimed cheerfully, "And, in the meantime, we have three days to…" He drew out the sentence, his eyes wandering down Sam's slender frame as his imagination kicked into over-drive.
"Fish?" She prompted innocently, a slight blush appearing on her cheeks.
"Yeah well, that too." He added half heartedly, earning another small giggle from Sam. They took the rest of the morning to watch the sunrise together, a symbol of the beginning of their new life together.
Fin.
Well… there you go. Nice load of shippiness there for ya.
As always, reviews are like chocolate, they're addictive and they make me smile.
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