Harry was sitting on the steps by the Quidditch field, remembering the Amortentia potions lesson with Slughorn... His thoughts squarely on the red haired girl when there was a loud crash and an automobile landed within feet of him. It wasn't like Arthur Weasley's Ford Anglia, something fancier, much fancier. He watched as the door whooshed open from the top and a boy exited.
"Dad?" The boy said, very shocked, and somewhat discombobulated by the ride in the fancy car.
"Um," Harry looked very confused.
"You're Harry Potter?" The boy asked.
"Yes." He answered blankly.
"I'm Albus Severus, your son, from the future."
"Who gave you that stupid name? And how did you get here from the future? Time turners? I thought they were destroyed."
"YOU GAVE ME THAT STUPID NAME!" The boy yelled angrily, "That's why I came here. To stop you from making a terrible mistake!...and yes, the time turners were destroyed, that's why I had to get this Delorean and believe me, it wasn't easy, muggles are very anal about their radioactive materials in the future."
"So.. um what happens in the future?" Harry asked.
"You marry Ginny..."
"Ginny?" Harry looked at the boy, with great joy in his eyes.
"Ew, dad, stop, that's my mum you're talking about."
"Um.. sorry... so what next?"
"You have three kids. Me, with the stupid, stupid, STUPID name, and James Jr., Lily Jr. I mean I get it, you were busy with Voldemort so you didn't take creative writing while you were at school but really... And Ron is married to Hermione... it's so predictable. And do you HAVE to remind me I'm named after the two bravest headmasters you've ever known... like every bloody time?"
"Snape becomes headmaster?"
"Yeah and you get all sentimental when he gets killed by that snake..." Albus Severus sighed.
"Oh... well... I should warn him about that... problem solved right?"
"It better be... well I have to get back, low on plutonium and all..." Albus Severus got back into the Delorean and sped away until there was a flash of light... Two flashes of light, and then another Delorean appeared before Harry. This time a girl, with green eyes and red hair came out.
"DAD! REALLY?" The girl looked really angry.
"Let me guess, my daughter from the future?" Harry asked.
"Yes! And you'll never guess my name." She yelled.
"Albusa Severina?" Harry felt a pit drop to the bottom of his stomach.
"Close, Albusa Minervina... Couldn't you just leave it as Minerva? What the hell is wrong with you? And all the kids tease me and tell me I'm going to marry the Knight Bus!"
"I'm sorry... I am. I tell you what... I'll make a note to give my kids good names in the future." And Harry made a note to his future self in his notebook. Albusa seemed satisfied and disappeared but then, another Delorean appeared. This time an older looking Snape exited.
"Potter! Of all the stupid things you've done this takes the cake." Snape said angrily.
"I... thought you died Profess..er.. Headmaster?" Harry asked.
"You warned me about the snake. Thanks by the way, after all that creepy stuff between me and your mum..."
"What creepy stuff?" Harry stared.
"Oh just forget it. Things are worse. Much worse. See, Potter, you promised yourself to not give your kids stupid names but you clearly were too dim to come up with anything good, so you let Hermione's cat, Crookshanks name them. Now your kids are named Crookshanks Jr., ASdfgd534, and HJFG4t45ewdf."
"Crookshanks is still alive?" Harry asked.
"Kneazles have longer lives than regular cats, but that's not all. His access to that muggle thing called a computer that Hermione gave him to make the names gave him access to all sorts of information. So now he's got horcruxes, and more, and he's now the Supreme Feline Overlord of the World. He makes the Dark Lord seem like a pathetic little toad in comparison. All we do these days is serve the cats. Feed them constantly, let them out only to let them back in again and tend the giant catnip plantations until we die of exhaustion."
"But what should I do then? I don't want my kids mad at me but that sounds pretty bad too," Harry asked.
"I don't know, Potter. I have to get back. Mr. Fluffers needs a belly rub and I'm almost out of plutonium. We can't gather more because all the world's resources have been shifted to catnip and foil balls."
Harry pondered the situation for a while and then used his connection to Voldemort to contact him and tell him that they must meet at once. Voldemort was suprised but obliged and agreed to meet in the Dark Forest a few hours later.
"So Potter, come to meet your doom?" Voldemort cackled.
"Yeah, yeah, just kill me..." Harry said with resignation.
"What? Just like that? No big showdown? No convoluted plot? Are you trying to trick me boy?" Voldemort looked genuinely surprised, and offended.
"Look. I'm cursed. My kids are going to have stupid names and a cat is going to take over the world, so just kill me. Let me help, it's 'Avada Ke.."
"Yes, yes I know what the spell is," Voldemort said shortly and used the killing curse on Harry.
A short while later, Harry awoke in what looked like King's Cross Station.
"Huh? This is death?" Harry said out loud.
"My boy! You've done it!" Dumbledore exclaimed, "Sacrificed yourself, oh you were so brave."
"You're dead too?" Harry asked, "I just saw you at the Great Hall for lunch."
"No, but you know... magic. But anyway, you were so brave! Voldemort is dead! Now you can walk out of here and live happily ever after. "
"Um... which train goes to death?" Harry asked.
"The 4:15...but you were.."
"Oh shut up," And with that, Harry boarded the 4:15. Crookshanks' plans of world domination were thwarted. All was well.