Growing Up
There was something missing in her life. She didn't know what. She'd tried diary after diary, friend after friend, party after party- and yet felt- empty. Oh, she had her admirers in droves, she had their letters stacked in a draw- some she replied to, some she did not- and oh, she loved being admired- but there was something lacking.
She'd read in books how people felt storms rage in them and she thought quietly that she'd love a storm to rage in her soul, just for a break from monotony.
"Susan?"
She busied herself with nylons, lipsticks and parties- the material world. Her childhood seemed so long ago. The Susan of that time was a different person, like a shadow in hiding- like Peter Pan's shadow before it had been sewn back on him. But then- why would she want her childhood to tie her down? Oh, it had been fun- but she was here and the past should not interfere with it- had she not wanted all her life to be where she was now?
"Susan?"
She pretends to ignore the person and carefully applies the lipstick, checks her hair in the mirror, then turns around and fakes surprise.
"Lucy!"
She smiles and beckons her in. They talk of clothes, of parties, of friends, of the past.
"Such fun we had!" Susan laughs, throwing her hair over her shoulder. "And that dear, doddery old professor! I found myself quite liking him, you know!"
She laughs a tinkly laugh. She wonders momentarily why Lucy barely smiles, let alone laughs. She is shocked by what Lucy says next.
"Susan- Susan-" her voice breaks a little. "You don't speak of Narnia. You don't seem to remember Aslan. That can't be, can it? You do remember Narnia, don't you? You remember Aslan- don't you? And Caspian- and the beavers- oh, don't you remember?"
For Susan's eyes were blank. She tried to pull back into her memory and remembered only a game. "Oh! The fun!" she cries. "Our childhood games! Lucy, now is really not the time! I haven't fixed my hair! Should I wear it over my shoulder or piled on top-"
Lucy looked pained. "Oh, Susan," she said, and Susan looked at her, her heart pierced.
"What, Lucy, dear?" she asked, indicating for her to sit down on the bed.
She watched her sister bite her lip and look away, then begin, very passionately, "Susan, is that all you remember? A game? Susan- Narnia wasn't a game! Aslan wasn't a figment of our imaginations! It was all real- all real!" She looked at Susan in the eye, laughed softly, sadly, and whispered, "Susan- once a queen in Narnia, always a queen in Narnia. Don't you remember?"
Susan paused. Something in her heart confused her.
Sadness. Remembrance. Lost dreams.
Narnia, the missing piece of her life!
Narnia...
But she looked at the mirror, and all remembrance was lost.
"Lucy, what in heaven's name are you talking of?" she laughed airily. "I really must meet James now, I couldn't keep him waiting for anything. Goodbye, dear!"
She vaguely heard Lucy say, "Goodbye, Susan," and heard her choke and sob slightly.
Narnia...
The yearning in her heart grew.
"I can't go back," she said softly.
"Once a queen in Narnia, always a queen in Narnia. Bear it well..."
"I can't go back. I can never go back. I am perfectly content with my life the way it is. I won't go back!"
The tears disappeared, leaving only a feeling of intense pain.
And the longing disappeared and the emptiness returned, but she did not feel it. And yet Susan did not smile when she went to the party, and many wondered at it.
It was not till long after in the night that Susan finally smiled.