I have completely and utterly given up. I have absolutely nothing left to offer this world. I am a selfish, weak, spineless waste of space. And I'm sorry it's taken me this long enough to see that. Had I realized this before, I probably would have been able to save you this pain. Or maybe I'm so full of myself to think you'll even miss me. I have no end goal, no 'purpose' to serve; I've tried to do everything to bring me back from this point, but I'm too far gone.
I wish I were lying when I say that I have no interest in being here anymore. Honestly, I've been this way for as long as I can remember. I never had an interest in joining pointless clubs or sports in school. There was never a point to doing so; we all had the same future. School was just a way to make time go by faster. I was an average student; no bad marks, only pretty shiny A's to bring home to my insatiable father. But it wasn't enough. I had become desperate to curve my appetite for the satisfaction of life. All of the pointless crafts, the beads and threads and needles and intricate sketch books, they were all meaningless distractions to fill me with some sort of emotion. But all of my efforts were in vain… I could feel nothing. Any emotion I felt was borrowed, taken from the worn pages of books, feelings that characters often struggled to portray…
My life was void of emotion and in my world, the human world, it was easy enough to paint a pretty face to fool those around them. But in the real world, in the Moroi world, I would never cut it. I wasn't a Dhampir; strong and curvaceous, beautiful and tall. And I certainly wasn't a Moroi; delicate and petite, stunning and proud. I was human. I lacked the slenderness of the Moroi, the curves of a Dhampir. All I had was plain dark blonde hair and average golden brown eyes. I was as average as it got.
But you seemed to see something the mirror failed to present me. You saw light where there was only dark, a shimmer of hope in a pool of misery, and for that I thank you. You, my friends, you have all been there for me. Rose has fought battles to protect people like me, Lissa has swayed thousands with her words, Christian captivated his enemies in a dazzling display of power, Dimitri entranced them in a show of fury and promise; Eddie, with his strength to carry on, and even Jillian. Jill, who was so small and frail, overcame her weaknesses and fought back. She showed me that no one would crush her, no matter their strength nor size. And you… Adrian. Like all of my other friends, have suffered through loss. You try so hard and I have never seen that kind of devotion. You have fought with your words, though sometimes slurred, you have fought with your fists, blindly aiming at your enemies, and you have conquered the darkness within yourself; the madness of spirit. All of you have been there for me, and I have let you down.
I won't say it's not easy being me. I absolutely refuse to. If any of you had been given my position, you would have taken hold of it and made your future truly yours. But I am weak, selfish, spineless, and on occasion brilliant. This, however, changes nothing. I'm leaving and I want you to know that I love you, Adrian. I regret not speaking to you more, and telling you my fears and my doubts. You probably don't want to finish this, but I do love you. I'm sorry for my cowardice; if I were to tell you everything in person, you would no doubt stop me.
Goodbye Adrian.
Sydney