Hello again, everyone! Wow, I came in with another fic sooner than I expected. First of all, let me put in the warning that the following fic is AU. I love doing different styles and taking on weird plots, so I hope you like this one! It's going to be one of those short, light hearted romantic comedies with our favourite couple as the stars of course. Cheers and let me know how you find it!

Chapter One: The Prologue

There was a knock and a subsequent open and close of the office door. Lily scrutinised her new client carefully: polished high heels underneath stylish robes, perfectly applied make-up, and the branded shoulder bag suggested a strong, independent woman. The hesitance on her face told Lily that she'd never done this before; that Lily would have to be very careful with her.

'Welcome to Perfect Match, Jane. You don't have to be nervous; we've talked through Floo before.' Lily gave her most winning smile. 'It's just a few silly procedures; agreement forms and tosh.'

Jane smiled weakly. 'I feel a bit unsure, that's all. I mean, there's no guarantee that-'

'There is always a guarantee, Jane,' Lily cut in with practiced confidence. 'Our organisation is dedicated to finding you a perfect match. We take each of our clients very seriously. Human emotions are fragile, as are their personalities; and we make it a point to understand you before going further.' Lily smiled. 'We've had a string of successful matches. I could brag about the list for hours, but the one I'm most proud of is Remus and Sirius. They were my very first match, and the ones who inspired me to open this company.'

Jane looked confused and a little curious. 'Remus and Sirius? A gay couple, you mean?'

'We don't differentiate between genders, Jane, and we certainly don't hold any prejudices. Love is blind, after all.' Lily felt a boost to her ego for having guessed correctly that Jane would be interested. Her face alone told Lily that she wanted to hear their story; to find out how Perfect Match had played a part; to gain assurance.

Lily smiled, turning to the myriad of pictures hung on the wall behind her. There were pictures of the couples she'd worked with, but her favourites were those of her family. There was one picture that she particularly loved of Remus from all the way back in Hogwarts. James had an amiable arm around his shoulders, and his infectious grin had spread into Remus's face in the form of a shy smile. Lily had fallen for that shy smile and those innocent amber eyes that he kept hidden underneath thin framed glasses. 'Fallen'; until she discovered that an entire childhood spent with James also gave Remus a mischievous streak.

'That's our Remus,' Lily summoned the picture and handed it over to Jane. 'My husband's childhood friend, since Merlin only knows when. You can't tell from this picture, but Remus had a…condition. He was sick a lot, so he was always desperately trying to look average but was anything but.'

Jane's tense shoulders finally relaxed. 'He's adorable.'

Lily smiled fondly. 'Remus lost his lover post war and with it, he also lost his faith in the magical world. He gave up his wand, got all his records removed from the ministry as a last request from Dumbledore. In the muggle world, he was simply Remus John Lupin, a brilliant chef stuck in a small, not so brilliant restaurant.'

'That's horrible,' Jane whispered. 'The war itself was…' She shuddered, obviously not wanting to remember Voldemort and the terror he'd spread only a few years ago. 'He must have been so frail after that…'

Lily laughed. 'Remus? Don't be fooled by appearances, Jane. I've known Remus since we were eleven, and I can tell you this: he was the last person you wanted to mess with.'

XxxxX

The crowd went wild, screaming, cheering, some even cursing, as Remus spat his mouth braces and walked out of the ring. It had been a ridiculously easy fight; a ridiculously easy win, granted the bastard had nearly dislocated his shoulder. His motive wasn't to fight, but he still appreciated a strong opponent like everyone else. He could hear his name being chanted now, steadily getting louder as he got closer to the crowd.

'Romulus! Romulus! I'm Lucas Paine and I could make you-'

Remus waved him off, pushing him gently to the side so that he was swamped by the crowd and out of Remus's way. 'Sorry,' he replied, tilting one side of his lips in a mock smile. 'I already have a job.' He exited through the swinging doors, glad when the loud cheering was reduced to nothing more than muffled voices in the vast white hallway.

Remus basked in the complete silence of the bathroom, head dipped under the shower. He could taste the sweat that washed away, along with a tang of iron that suggested rusty piping. He surveyed his body closely, scrunching his eyes to see if there was any bruised flesh. He smiled to himself when he found only one area, still reddish, on his upper arm.

'You know, someday, they're going to figure out that you don't see as well as you fight, and kill you.'

Remus turned off the shower and blinked the water out of his eyes. 'Lily, what a surprise,' he droned, opening the stall door and coming face to face with the only woman in the world Remus ever looked twice at. She was holding his winnings, making a show of counting it, even though he was sure she already knew how much it was. 'I see you helped yourself to my bag. There's some chocolate in the corner pocket if you like.'

Lily rolled her eyes and flung Remus's underpants at his face in reply. 'Don't try to buy my favour, Remus. I'm here to give you a good talking to.'

'Don't know why,' Remus replied, unperturbed. He got a talking to from Lily so often, he near expected to be grounded this time. 'Prongs would have loved it. I honestly should have gotten tickets.' He pulled out his glasses from the bag. The world came into focus and he saw the wife of his best friend shooting him an irritated look, her right foot tapping an impatient rhythm. He smiled at her toothily, revealing unusually sharp canines.

'That innocent grin doesn't work on me, Lupin,' she scolded, waggling her finger. 'These people told me you've been fighting here for four months now. Four months!'

Remus shrugged, looking utterly unapologetic and slightly mischievous, like a naughty child struggling to play innocent. 'Did you know this is the men's toilet? If someone walks in right now; they'll think Romulus is celebrating his victory quite adventurously. '

Lily ignored him. 'I told you to come to us if you needed the money.'

'I don't need the money,' Remus replied stiffly, zipping up his dull grey trousers. 'I need the release.' He pulled on a hideous, red plaid shirt and buttoned it up to the collar; sleeves dutifully snug at his wrists. 'You shouldn't be so concerned with everyone, Lily. It'll get you killed.'

Lily huffed. 'I'm not concerned with everyone. I'm concerned with you. If you get yourself into trouble, I'll lose my babysitter.'

Remus chuckled, running his hands back through his hair until it was flattened to his scalp. 'I want to take Harry to the zoo tomorrow, so keep his things out, yeah?' he tucked his shirt into his trousers and belted it tightly. 'How do I look?'

Lily raised an eyebrow, distastefully taking in the high-waist trousers, disgusting shirt, flattened hair, and thick glasses. 'Like an utter git.'

Remus grinned. 'Brilliant.'

XxxxX

'If you ever passed Remus on the street, you'd think he was a college math major. He didn't always dress as bad, thank Merlin; but he always tried to pass off as completely ordinary.' Lily shook her head exasperatedly. 'He did things like this a lot, you know; enlist in odd, shady jobs, despite having a permanent one at the restaurant. He was struggling with money, but the thing about Remus is that he's very proud. He despised charity; didn't matter how bloody poor he was. '

Jane laughed. 'What about Sirius? Did you know right away that the two of them were made for each other?'

'Absolutely not,' Lily replied, shocking Jane. 'We will never claim to know who is compatible to you at first glance. What we promise is to never give up until we find that special someone for you. There will be some mishaps and some very uncomfortable dates, but in the end, we guarantee a life partner.' Lily folded her arms and moved closer, as if sharing a secret. 'We've hooked Remus with a lot of men before Sirius, none of which were successful. But let me tell you about the worst one yet…'

XxxxX

James was whipped. Everyone knew this; everyone told him this; and at this point, James believed them. He didn't how he got talked into his wife's matchmaking scheme yet again. It was bordering on ridiculous at this point; like one of those morning rituals that were completely unnecessary but were forced to do by obsessive women, like mothers and wives. Things like morning kisses, morning showers, healthy breakfasts, peeing in the toilet instead of the sink, and hooking up your best friend with other men.

'Prongs, you just took the wrong turn, mate.'

James did not look at Remus; he couldn't. Not when he was betraying his friend, yet again. Not after he'd promised the last time that, no, he would not make Remus spend an entire evening with a complete stranger. So instead, James stared at the steering wheel, pretending to be hypnotised by casual rotations. 'It's about right, I think,' he replied, laughing weakly. Merlin, he was so fucked. Remus was going to kill him, best friend be damned.

Remus raised an eyebrow. 'Change of preferences, mate?' He hummed idly, his fingers tapping the window in tune. 'You do realise that this is a gay district, don't you?' Remus commented after a while. 'I don't think Lily would appreciate you coming on to me like this.'

James realised with horror that given the choice of coming on to Remus and fixing a date for Remus, he would definitely choose the former. The latter, James knew, would mean eminent death. Which just made him the fool driving himself and his executioner to the grounds to be killed. 'Well, I've always been curious about gay bars. What are the drinks named there?' It was the worst excuse James had ever come up with, and he'd come up with many back in his school days. 'I mean, it has to be different, yeah? More er…appropriate to the…uh…community.'

James knew from Remus's expression itself that he'd just dug himself into a very deep hole. 'Well, personally, I'm a big fan of Bob's Cock, but I think Fucking Arsehole will suit you much better.'

James gulped. 'I get it. I get it. I'm sorry. You know I'm just trying to make conversation. We barely talk nowadays, you know.' James shot the widest grin he could manage given the conversation. Maybe if he swerved the car into a lamppost, the awkwardness would somehow disappear. Either that or he would preferably get knocked unconscious and forget any of this ever happened.

'Prongs, I babysit your sprog every day.' Remus suspicious glare was boring holes into James's head. 'What are you hiding, James?'

'It was Lily's idea, I swear!' James confessed, trying to hold on to his manly pride and not bawl out his apology. 'I had no part in it at all. I told her you wouldn't appreciate it and to leave you alone, but you know how she is. Once she gets the idea into her head, there's no stopping her. She thinks you need to settle down and what not.'

Remus spluttered, wide-eyed. 'Settle down? What like, get married?'

'Something like that,' James muttered.

'James, I like dick.'

James felt heat rise to his cheeks at Remus's point blank declaration. He felt the need to curse all the Gods above for his beautiful demon wife and his inability to refuse her anything. He also felt it was important to ask God why he wasn't born deaf to avoid the coming of such a day when he would have to hear his best friend/brother say the words 'like' and 'dick' in a conjoint sentence. 'It's not like that,' James tried to explain futilely. 'She just wants you to find someone special. Look, it's been two years since-'

'Don't. Prongs, please don't.'

James bit his lip. Two years and Remus still had trouble talking about it. Two years and James had to watch helplessly, as Remus struggled to forget, failed, and then settled to just live with the pain and obscurity. 'Look, my point is, you need to have someone to take care of you. It's not like we're fixing your marriage. Merlin knows, Lily would have if that were possible. But for now, it's just a date. It wouldn't hurt you to just sit down and have a couple of drinks with someone; see how it goes from there.'

James took Remus's silence as a 'yes'. Remus wasn't looking at him anymore, eyes trained to the flashing bar lights. James didn't know what Remus was thinking. Even after all these years, Remus concealed his feelings perfectly when he wanted to. Ten minutes of driving in awkward silence later, James realised Remus was throwing a tantrum.

The kind of tantrums that had James (who usually considered thinking as overrated) thinking, over thinking, analysing his over thinking, and then thinking whether his thinking had any point at all. When Remus threw his tantrums, James found there wasn't much difference between his best friend and his four year old son. James had a very low threshold for tantrums, and he often simply conceded to them with a hug and a kiss. The kiss was for his son, not Remus.

'What's his name?' Remus asked, when they finally got out of the car. He pushed his thin, black framed glasses up his nose and sighed.

'Jewel,' James replied, not even wanting to know why someone would want to name their son Jewel. He didn't know what Jewel looked like or even what kind of person he was. It was smarter, he realised back in seventh year, to just go along with what Lily said and pretend that her judgment was divine. The reasoning for his spinelessness: James liked sex. A lot.

'Remus? You're Remus, aren't you? You're as cute as Lily described!'

James was not judgmental. He was not. But even he had to cringe when Jewel came rushing towards them, the frills of his overtly tight dress bouncing to his stride. Yes, James did say dress…and frills. Did he forget to mention the red lipstick and electric blue eye shadow?

'I'm going to kill your wife,' Remus said between clenched teeth, before pulling James by the scruff of his neck and crashing their lips together.

'Mmph!' James struggled, arms swaying wildly. Which was a really bad idea because Remus bit really hard.

'Fuck, that was revolting,' Remus spat, once they'd gotten out of the bar. He rubbed his tounge vigorously against his shirt sleeve in disgust.

'Thanks, mate,' James replied sarcastically, wiping his cut lip. 'You could have just said no or ran or something! No, instead, you decide to snog me to get away from Princess Manzilla.'

'You should be glad that's all I did,' Remus ground out, face getting steadily red. 'I'm gay because I don't want to be chasing skirts. Putting a man in one does not solve the problem. That's it. Tell Lily no more blind dates or weird set ups. Or else…or else…'

'I'll tell her,' James reassured, giving in to Remus's tantrum and patting him on the head. He frankly didn't fancy being kissed again. 'I'll get her to stop, I promise. Come on, I'll treat you to drinks, alright?'

XxxxX

'Oh Merlin, that's awful!' Jane exclaimed, partly horrified and partly hysterical with laughter. 'Blue eye shadow, honestly?'

Lily blushed. 'He was a work colleague and a decent bloke. He found someone else shortly after and they've been together since.' She pointed towards one of the pictures of Jewel and his partner. 'Remus wasn't the type to easily fall for someone. He wasn't so much picky as just very suspicious all the time. His motto, if I remember well, was that no one ever did anything without a motive.'

Jane edged closer, barely balancing on the edge of her seat.

'Which suited Sirius Black perfectly, because everything he did was with a motive,' Lily continued. 'Sirius was part of the Black family; very thorough purebloods and a family that invested in molding and perfecting every aspect of its members. Blacks weren't allowed imperfections, which was irony in itself because they were the biggest family of lunatics I'd ever seen.'

Lily pulled down another picture, this time of Sirius Black with her son, Harry. She laughed when Jane couldn't stop staring; Sirius tended to have that effect on a lot of people. With his sleek black hair, chiseled face, and piercing grey eyes; he was like a sexual fantasy come alive. He had clicked with James instantly, their grins matching the mischief in the eyes. The moment she'd set eyes on Sirius Black, Lily had known that she'd bitten more than she could chew.

'He hated that, you know; people staring at his face. He looked a lot like his mother and well, let's just say that they weren't on the friendliest terms. Sirius had it hard, almost as hard as Remus; sometimes, I think, even harder.' Lily sighed. 'He grew up in an abusive family and I think, a lot of the times he wanted to just run away. He didn't though because by the time he was of legal age, he'd enlisted in the…resistance.' Lily only just caught herself from saying Order and Dumbledore. 'He was a spy among the purebloods and maintaining relations was important at that point.'

'So you knew Sirius Black beforehand?'

'No,' Lily laughed. 'But the thing that's very important to remember, Jane, is that matches are really made in heaven. Fate, most people call it. Signs that continuously try to bring you together, like pushing two magnets closer and closer to a range where the laws of physics finally apply. My dear. I'm talking about destiny.'

XxxxX

Remus made a small wounded noise and clutched the back of James's dress shirt tightly. Remus wasn't the talkative kind and James found him extremely small, even for a five year old.

The Lupins became friends with the Potters only recently, and they were very nice people. James's mum said that they were going through a hard time right now, and not a lot of people understood them. James didn't understand either, but his mum told him that a very bad wizard had attacked Remus and almost killed him. The attack had left Remus tra-trau-traumatasizzled. That meant Remus was scared all the time, especially of unexpected things, and didn't trust people as easily. James's mum said that since he was almost six and the older one, it was his job to be Remus's friend and help him. James's didn't have any brothers or sisters, so he didn't mind. He liked how Remus only trusted him and followed him. He liked that Remus always stayed behind him, so that James could be his shield from all the bad people.

There were plenty of bad people in this party, James reckoned. Some were nice, like Uncle (Auntie?) Florence; but there were a lot of purebloods that always kept their noses up as if smelly cheese had been put under it. James didn't like them.

'Jamie,' Remus whispered, tugging James's shirt gently. 'We shouldn't do this. What if they catch us?'

'Don't worry. We won't get caught if you're with me,' James grinned confidently and patted Remus on the head. 'Besides, you want the chocolate, don't you?'

Remus nodded, his amber eyes growing big at the mention of chocolate. Remus, James discovered early on in their friendship, really, really liked chocolate. Remus often got scolded by Mrs. Lupin for eating too much and twice, Remus got sick in James's house after eating three bars of Honeyduke's Finest.

'Bloody hell!' James cursed quietly when he saw a crowd of nameless faces coming towards them. He quickly dove under the table, pulling Remus by the back of his shirt. 'Bloody hell,' he swore again. James loved saying bloody hell; his father often said it and it was the most awesome word ever.

'Oi, this is my place. What are you two stupid tossers doing here?'

James heard Remus's breath draw slightly, so he reached for the younger boy's hand and held it, so that he wouldn't be frightened. There was nothing to be scared of. It was just another boy, sitting cross legged and leaning on one of the table legs. James reckoned he'd been here a long time because he had two whole plates filled with stolen sweets and pastries; one of them nearly empty. The boy's grey eyes glared at them and he crawled closer to them challengingly.

James wasn't afraid of him. He knew who this was; it was that stupid Black boy who all the grownups thought were so wonderful. 'This place isn't yours! So don't go around telling lies!' James stuck his tounge out at Black. 'We're only here because Remus wanted some cake.'

Black scowled as he looked at Remus. He looked like he wanted to hit Remus, so James quickly moved in front. Surprisingly, Black just shrugged his shoulders and handed over one of the plates to Remus. 'You can have mine if you want. I'm not going to finish it anyway. You're small, so you won't reach the table, but your brother can get his own.' When Remus hesitated, Black forcefully shoved the plate into his hands. 'If you tell anyone about this, you're in big trouble, you get that?'

'Don't yell at Remus!' James shouted angrily, feeling even more protective when he noticed that Remus didn't correct Black when they were mistaken for brothers. 'He hasn't done anything to you! You should-'

'Thank you…' Remus whispered softly, surprising James. Remus smiled shyly and bit into one of the cakes, smudging cream all over his face.

Black flushed bright red and looked away awkwardly. 'I-It's not that big a deal. You looked hungry, that's all.' He tried to put on a haughty face, but avoided eye contact with both of them. 'So er…does your mother not allow you eat sweets, also?'

'Well, not a whole lot of course!' James stated as a-matter-of-factly. 'Eating too much will make your tummy hurt, eh, Remus?' Remus blushed brightly under James's wink, and slowed his chewing.

'Mother says sweets make you fat and we aren't allowed it, ever.' Black replied, looking at his plate of goodies guiltily. 'I'm really not supposed to be doing this. Mother will be upset.'

'M-Mothers are not a-always right,' Remus suddenly spoke up from behind James. His face turned red when both James and black's eyes focused on him. He fidgeted uncomfortably, one hand fiddling with the front of his shirt and smearing it with chocolate. 'M-My Mum said Santa eats all my Christmas cookies but I c-caught Daddy eating them last time.'

James's eyes widened. 'That's horrible! Poor Santa!'

Remus nodded in sympathy, taking another bite from his cake.

'Who's Santa?'

James and Remus gasped. 'Santa is the greatest wizard, ever!' James explained in disbelief. How could Black not know Santa? Everyone knew him!

'Salazar Slytherin is the greatest wizard, ever. My mother said so,' Black replied defensively.

'Bloody hell, no!' James argued. He felt sorry for Black if he didn't even know who Santa was. 'He's greater than Salazar, Merlin even! He can travel the whole world in just one night! And on Christmas, he brings presents for everyone who's been good all year.'

'Oh,' Black whispered, suddenly looking very sad. 'I don't think I'm very good then.'

'I think you're good,' Remus replied quickly and firmly. Then, as if realising who he was again, he blushed and stuttered, 'Y-You gave me your cake…'

'Yeah,' James replied, feeling a little jealous at how easily Remus was warming up to Black. Remus never talked to anyone outside the Potters and his own family; and even still, he relied on James the most. James was his big brother; James was the one always protecting him.

Suddenly, their conversation was broken by the most high-pitched and frightening scream James had ever heard.

'SIRIUS! Where is that boy? Sirius!'

'Bloody hell,' Black copied James's curse and quickly pushed the plates away. 'It's my mother. I need to go now, but don't worry. I won't tell on you or anything.' He bit his lip and stared at Remus a bit oddly. 'You'll get caught if you don't wipe your face.' He pulled out a handkerchief from his pocket and gently wiped the smeared chocolate around Remus's mouth. James's mum did that sometimes for James. 'I'll see you then, Remus. Thank you.' Before James could do anything, Black quickly kissed Remus on the cheek and left.

Remus promptly burst out crying, and James had to hold him tightly so that their mothers wouldn't find out where they were. Through Remus's hysterical tears and hiccupping, James could hear that awful shrill voice again.

'Who did you reduce to tears this time, Sirius? I hope it's not the Minister again! Honestly, I don't know what to do with this child!'

XxxxX

'You're confused,' Lily stated, not missing the expression of curious puzzlement on Jane's face. 'To someone like you on the outside, this looks like chance, a random event. But two things happened that day,' she smiled mysteriously before continuing, 'Sirius discovered that he didn't always have to listen to his mother, and Remus, for the next few years, spent comparing that little peck on the cheek to every kiss any girl ever gave him.'

Jane's eyes widened in amazement. 'That is…I've never looked at things that way. I mean, they're life changing decisions; you can't just…'

'It was just a course of things for them. Remus had it easier because he always had James's support. My husband, you see…' Lily smiled fondly. 'He has something of a saviour complex. He feels the need to protect people, to be needed by the ones he truly cares for; bless his immature soul. He brought Remus out of his shell, protected him, spoiled him, and gave Remus what he needed the most: a friend. Remus's weakest point was James, which is why he even bothered to consider Sirius.'

'Because James asked him to?'

'Because James really wanted him to be happy,' Lily clarified. 'And Remus was happy, but not quite. James understood that. He wanted to help. It was just good luck or maybe fate that Sirius came along…'

XxxxX

Papers were sent flying everywhere as James tried to regain balance, failed, and fell painfully on his bony arse. One of his air bound files finally decided on gravity and bounced off his head like ping pong ball, knocked off his glasses, and landed gracefully on his lap.

'You okay, mate?'

James rubbed his glasses clean on his shirt and put them back on. 'Thanks,' he muttered, embarrassed, as he took the offered hand and hoisted himself up. 'Guess it's back to filing this shite again, eh?'

The hand belonged to a Ministry worker, Department of Mysteries, James reckoned from the amethyst badge peeking out of his leather jacket. It would also explain why James had never seen him before, considering James knew most of the people working here. People working in DOM tended to be slightly secluded and secretive. He would have noticed this man otherwise; he was the only one not wearing robes. The man was also managing to attract a lot of unnecessary female attention by simply standing in one place.

Vaguely, James thought about asking for his name, but didn't want to admit not knowing someone from the office. James was popular, after all, and he took pride in the fact that he was well known in the Ministry.

The man smiled and gathered up James's papers with a flick of his wand. 'You look overwhelmed. Why don't you take a break? There's a tea room here that's usually empty. We could have a chat or something.'

James grinned. 'A break would be brilliant.' He followed the man into the tea room, which as promised, was completely empty. It made sense; the room was quite far away from the offices and smaller than the cafeteria or other lounges in the building. 'You'd think being an auror would excuse you from paperwork, but it's like I'm being run over by ink and parchment. I think I'm even starting to smell like a tree.'

The man laughed; a low barking sort that struck to James as oddly familiar. He pushed his long bangs out of his eyes. 'DOM isn't much better, I'll have to say. Sugar?'

'Two lumps, please.' James flopped backwards into one of the chairs and sighed heavily. 'It's just gotten worse lately, you know. Being an auror used to be an exciting job at some point, and now we're chasing petty criminals. The other day, we had to capture a tea cup thief. Turned out to be Dung Fletcher…again. Next, we'll be rescuing cats out of trees for little old ladies.'

The man hummed and handed James his tea. 'You know,' he said quietly, looking James right in the eyes. 'You have lovely arms.'

Those grey eyes made James distinctly uncomfortable. 'Er, thank you.' He tried to smile and moved away slightly when the man walked closer, so that their legs were touching. 'I, er, used to play Quidditch back in Hogwarts. At some point, I even considered going professional, but you know how dreams go…' He laughed weakly, wondering if it would be rude to run away. James wasn't sure what was going on, but the man was either going to kill him or snog him; he wasn't sure which was worse.

The man smirked, placing his hands on both sides of James head. 'Well, you can ride my broom any day.'

The man's face came closer till they were nose to nose. Panicking, James flailed his arms like a madman, finding himself toppling backwards for the second time in a day and landing on his bony arse. The chair clattered to the ground and James made a mad rush for it, shielding himself with it should the man choose to make another attempt at sucking James's face. 'Don't make me hex you,' James threatened, pointing one of the chair legs towards the man's crotch.

'Oh, fuck, you're married.' The man said suddenly, noticing the ring of James's hand. 'Why didn't you say so, you stupid git? Damn it!' He moved away, leaving James utterly confused and still wary of another attack. 'Look, mate, I didn't mean to attack you like that. Thought you were queer, yeah.'

James wondered if he emitted some kind of queer pheromone. There was no other explanation for such uncanny incidents. His trousers weren't particularly tight, neither was his hair very well groomed. He had rather large wrists and was virtually colour blind (and thus dressed by his wife). It was definitely the pheromones, or perhaps that flowery fabric softener that Lily insisted on using.

'Fuck, another night sleeping in the park. I really am sorry, mate.' The man sighed and sat on the counter, feet crossed Indian style as he leaned back against the wall. Again, something struck as very familiar to James. 'I got kicked out of my flat recently and its fucking impossible to find a cheap place, you know. I thought if I could rope some horny bastard in for a few days, you know. No offense.'

'None taken,' James replied, brushing his trousers and taking a seat as far as possible. 'Uh…sorry…about being straight and all.' James stared desolately at the broken teacup on the ground before remembering he was a wizard and could easily fix it. 'So are you really, er, gay, or were you just pretending, so that…'

The man blinked. 'Huh? No, I'm utterly bent. Honestly, it would be much easier to rope in women, but I just can't…you know.' He made explicit hand movements across his crotch, in case James didn't quite get the message. James got it and wished his eyes had fallen out someplace. 'Well, you really wouldn't know, since you've got a wife. Sorry, I haven't even introduced myself yet. Sirius Black.'

James's eyes widened and he nearly fell off his chair again in shock. No wonder everything had seemed so familiar. 'Sirius Black? Merlin, is that really you?' Now that James looked back on it, Black looked exactly how James had seen him last. When had that been? Ah yes, the pureblood coming of age ceremony. Black had been the boy before him, all prim and proper, and everyone had watched him in awe filled jealousy. James had never pinned him as the type to even so much as look at muggle clothing. 'I'm James Potter!'

Black looked like he was about to throw up. 'Oh Merlin, I just tried to kiss my cousin. Tea be damned! Where's that Firewhisky?'

James laughed, shocked when Black actually pulled out a bottle of Ogden's from one of the adjacent cabinets. No wonder he knew this tea room so well. 'Hey, look, about finding a place to stay, maybe I can arrange something for you. It won't be easy, but I have a friend…'

XxxxX