True Love Takes Its Course
Author: Christina Simon
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: I love JKR to death for writing this series and I thank high heaven that she allows fanfic.
A/N: This is a parody, and a mean-spirited one, at that. If you either A) have no sense of humor B) have no sense of dark humor or C) just want to flame me, don't read on. Reviews are highly welcome, though.
Also, anything in italics has been directly taken from Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban.
Hermione put her hands on Buckbeak's back and Harry gave her a leg up. Then he placed his foot on one of the lower branches of the bush and climbed up in front of her. He pulled Buckbeak's rope back over his neck and tied it to the other side of his collar like reins.
"Ready?" he whispered to Hermione. "You'd better hold on to me-"
He nudged Buckbeak's sides with his heels.
Buckbeak soared straight into the dark air. Harry gripped his flanks with his knees, feeling the great wings rising very powerfully beneath them. Hermione was holding Harry very tight around the waist; he could hear her muttering, "Oh, Harry… this is so romantic…"
Harry turned around incredulously. "What?"
Hermione sighed, a dreamy smile overtaking her face. "I've dreamed about nights like this… moonlit nights riding on the back of a hippogriff with the man I love… Harry, can't you feel it too?"
Harry frowned. A flowery, bubble-like sensation that had started somewhere in his toes was working its way up, up, up – when it reached his chest, he felt his heart imploding. "Hermione, I've always loved you!" he cried, grasping Hermione's arms.
"Oh, Harry!" Hermione gasped in pure joy.
Harry kissed her. Hermione threw her arms around him again as they smooched. The Hogwarts grounds flew by beneath them – the castle, the lake, the Whomping Willow…
Buckbeak chanced a look back at the couple. Snorting in derision, he came to a sudden halt, kicked the two off his back and sent them falling to their doom – SLAM – right into the Whomping Willow.
They didn't stand a chance.
Buckbeak flew back to Hagrid's house, where Fudge spotted him on his way out and had him executed. Dumbledore was forced to rescue Sirius all on his own. Both went on the run and were killed when Voldemort returned to power and seized total control of the world. Ron went insane and spent the rest of his life in St. Mungo's, which was set on fire anyway as a result of Voldemort's followers. And so good was completely wiped out, evil reigned, Muggles were used as slaves, and the apocalypse came and went without anybody noticing.
A perfect ending to a perfect romance.