Jude

"Why're you telling me this?" The words came out in a whisper, low and racked with pain.

"Have you lost someone?" She asked so softly, her eyes on me. Their kind warmth met mine and I felt like I was melting. Melting away from sanity and the love which was reflected in her gaze. Because it was love, I knew and it broke every rule I'd ever set. She had no reason- no right to love me.

My blood howled around my body like a pack of wolves on the full moon. It was dark and malignant, it felt like some sort of allergic reaction to what was going on around me. She was reaching out to me, her beautiful braids falling over her beautiful dark face. I wanted her to stop. Stop trying to understand me. I wished I was invisible to her, the same as I was to every other Cross. Slowly she wrapped her warm, soft hand around my cold-blooded killer's hand and put her arm around my back.

Her hand rubbed comforting circles on my back and suddenly breathing became an impossible task. I gasped for air and she pulled away slightly, panicked. The loss of the contact was even more painful than it being there. I heard somebody- surely not me- cry as her hand left my back and she returned it. I heard myself sigh.

"Easy, Steve." She said concernedly. She wrapped her arm around me and leant in closer so I could smell her enchanting scent. She coached me into breathing slowly so tenderly that I just wanted to disappear. I was feeling and it was going to kill me, I knew. But she was so absorbed in me, I felt like I was at the centre of her world. I felt wrong. I wasn't at the centre of anybody's world. More than that, I didn't deserve to be. But she was rocking me slightly.

Why did she care about me so much? "You look so alone sometimes." Cara stated slowly as she stroked my thin nought hair. She was right. I was so alone, I'd always been alone in some way or another. Even before the dagger hit the fan and my family shattered into a hundred tiny, unobtainable pieces. What was it about me that made it so hard for me to get close to anyone? What was it that meant I was letting a Cross give me more comfort then I'd felt since Lynnette had died?

Cara pressed a kiss onto the top of my head and I spun around and kissed her, smack on the lips. I felt something unfamiliar and unwelcome rise up inside me like a volcanic eruption. Her lips, softer than butter felt right on mine, but it was more than that. I pulled back and opened my eyes, trying to focus on the ebony sheen of her skin, but all I could see was her eyes, warm and the colour of melted chocolate. She was smiling at me, with love. There was total trust there, affection and devotion.

It was too much. It was killing me, seeking to destroy every one of my rules and all of my motivation. If I could fall in love with a Cross then surely they couldn't be all bad. And if they weren't all bad then I couldn't make them pay without making her pay. I broke away slightly and clenched my fists. I felt the toxic rage build up in my bloodstream.

"I'm not Steve." Came a strangled, choked up voice from somewhere inside me.

Cara stood there in front of me. Her entire body open and unsurprised and unjudging. "Yes?" She prompted as I stood there, still clenched but frozen.

"I'm Jude. And you don't want to know me." I said with all the strength I could conjure up. I felt like all of my hope and future had melted out of me like caramel out of a chocolate. She was going to leave me and then I'd have no… no anything. Rather than move forward or run away, Cara reached out to me with her hands and I looked up. Fatally, I looked into her eyes. They were still warm and open and beautifully golden brown. I felt sick. She didn't believe me.

"Really, you should run while you can." I said in a stronger voice. Her eyes were still on mine, endlessly kind and indiscriminate. They stayed on me and I felt a pressure build up inside me. My fists hurt from being grasped so tightly. My eyes hurt. My throat hurt from trying not to shout or worse. I struck out.

My fists cascaded against her beautifully even plaster-board wall. I went through it and at the same time I felt bones in my hands break. I risked a look at her and she was still stood there, in exactly the same spot, covered in plaster dust. I sank to my knees on the floor, my hands clutched to my chest and she knelt down in front of me.

Her arms went around me and pulled me to her. For the first time in what felt like forever, I felt at rest. There, in her arms, I cried. In great sobs, like huge splatters of rain after a decade of drought. But rather than dry, shrivelled soil, she was soft and kind and her jumper absorbed it all. When I'd finished crying she brushed my hair back and then I cried again. I felt her own tears run down my neck.

I cried for the hundreds of ruined lives. I cried for Dad, for Callum and for Lynnette. Then, for the first time I cried for all those whose lives I'd ruined. It was, I supposed the first step towards redemption.