Resolutions
Merrill wished she was taller.
It was a silly thing to wish for, she knew; if such wishes were actually being granted, she'd probably just wish that this huge crowd would part for her and not sit there stubbornly ignoring every attempt she made to get through. But being taller would be nice. Among so many humans with their noise and their bustle and the eager energy in the air she felt very, very small indeed.
Someone stepped on her bare toes and she yelped, then covered her mouth as color came to her cheeks. "Very dignified, Merrill, you're making a fantastic Dalish example so far," she muttered to herself, shrinking even smaller. She couldn't even see the royal palace gates she'd wandered so far to reach at this angle, and for a moment she considered just trudging back home and telling the keeper she'd been sent away so she wouldn't have to deal with all this noise and all these people and how did city elves manage?
As she hugged herself and felt the weight of the huge pack on her back and the crush of the crowd and the deep nervous tingle in her gut, she remembered nights of sneaking out of the keeper's aravel and joining a pale, beautiful hunter in the dark woods, and bodies pressed against each other under the moonlight, the soft texture of tattooed lips, and the stories she'd heard since that hunter left the clan to go and save the world. Merrill straightened her back, swallowed, and started pushing forcefully through the crowd, whispering "Sorry!" the whole way. She finally broke through the front row only to run face-first into a guard's chestplate.
"Get back to the crowd, ma'am," the guard said dismissively, shoving her back. "The Hero of Ferelden will be out in due time, you can ask for autographs then."
Merrill cleared her throat and tried desperately to look up into his eyes, but found his receding hairline instead. "I, I am expected," she stammered, "I'm from her clan, the keeper sent word-didn't she? She said she did. Oh, did it make it in time?"
The guard looked to his captain beside him, who shrugged. "Let her in," he grunted. "If they really don't want her in there they can throw her out. She looks Dalish enough."
As the guard stood aside for Merrill, she thanked him profusely and promised him she wouldn't be a bother. She slipped through the gate and groaned when she saw that the inside was only really differentiated by the fanciness of the crowd's clothing. There was only one person she really wanted to see, why did there have to be so many humans, and dwarves, and...qunari? She scrunched up her face as she studied the tallest man in the room, with white hair in careful braids pulled back behind his head. He looked just as uncomfortable as she felt, shifting listlessly from foot to foot in tarnished armor that still bore old bloodstains. Merrill chose to get out of his line-of-sight and made her way to the nearest corner, losing her view of the queen. Perhaps if she just sat quietly and looked "Dalish enough" someone would notice her and she wouldn't have to deal with the awful crowds again. She found a barrel and hoisted herself up on it, looking down at her dangling legs and nervously twitching her fingers.
"Hello there, pretty thing," an accented voice murmured beside her. She jumped and looked around, finding a handsome brown-skinned elf that she assumed was the source. He laughed, a confident and bold sound, and his eyes sparkled a bit when he looked at her.
"H-hello," Merrill managed, trying to look away from his intense stare.
He cocked his head. "You were not among the Dalish in the fight, yes? I feel I'd remember such a woman as you. And that pack there tells me you've spent a long time on the road."
"I-I was sent here by the clan to congratulate Mahariel," Merrill stuttered, withdrawing into herself as though to avoid his prying eyes.
"Ah, you are one of her people!" he cried. "She was wondering why none of you were here. Had some trouble fighting through the crowd, yes?"
"It's...there were a lot of people, and I've only ever seen one human up close before, and-"
The elf tittered. "Now now, don't mistake me for judging you. She'd love to see you, and probably doesn't want me seducing you, so give me just a moment. I know my way around the crowd." And with that, he slipped away, seemingly vanishing right in front of Merrill's eyes. She clasped her hands together and squeezed, shaking. "Stop it, Merrill," she hissed, but her leg wouldn't stop jittering up and down as she remembered seeing Mahariel off, tears streaming down her cheeks, certain they'd never see each other again. And then a familiar voice intruded on her thoughts:
"Zevran, I don't see why you can't just-"
"It's more fun this way, darling, trust me, you'll love this," the accented elf interrupted, but Merrill had already hopped off the barrel and started scanning the crowd. As he broke through in front of her, grinning from ear to ear, Merril bounced on the balls of her feet trying to see behind him. And then she emerged.
Her black hair was a mess, and dark bags had formed under her still-brilliant blue eyes, and the blue vallaslin lines that crossed her face and her lips had become wrinkled with worry, and her drakescale armor was stained and pockmarked with the holes left by arrows, the lines left by blades, but it was her hunter, her heart. She froze in place when she saw Merrill, but Merrill couldn't stop herself.
She floated as if in a dream towards her hunter, and it felt so natural and right to put her arms around her and kiss her softly. "Ma vhenan," she whispered, resting her head on Mahariel's shoulder. She didn't want to notice the way Mahariel had stiffened, the way she hadn't kissed her back, the way she shook in her arms, but she did.
"Merrill," she croaked, her arms moving up, then suddenly snapping back to her sides, hesitant to touch her.
"I'm...I'm going to go," Zevran said, hopping back into the crowd like it was his natural environment.
Merrill tensed up, squeezing her eyes shut as she held onto Mahariel. "I'm sorry," she said, feeling the sting of tears swelling behind her eyelids. "I-I did something wrong, didn't I? I, I just missed you so much, I never thought I'd-" she stuttered, and then let out a small cry as she felt Mahariel's arms finally close around her waist.
"There's a lot I need to tell you," Mahariel murmured. "I-so much has happened."
She drew away, and Merrill felt a profound loss at the break of contact, her arms dropping to her sides, her gaze dropping to the floor. "I'm sorry again, I shouldn't have - what do humans even think of, of people like us, of-"
Merril stopped herself when she heard Mahariel's sad chuckle, and heat rushed into her face as Mahariel's hand lighted on her shoulder. She looked up and saw the exhaustion in her hunter's eyes, the red veins and dark circles. "Same old Merrill," Mahariel said, seemingly unable to stop a small smile from coming to her lips. "I-We should talk in private, but there's this whole-this celebration thing...Listen." Mahariel took a deep breath, looking around. "I'm staying in Arl Eamon's estate out in the city. You should wait there until I'm done dealing with the crowd, and I'll tell you everything. Okay?"
Merrill swallowed and nodded vigorously, trying to will the tears back into her body so that she didn't feel so ridiculous. "A-all right," she affirmed, and she wanted to hit herself for squeaking. "But I don't know where that is."
"You know, I have someone who probably wants out of here as much as you. Hey, Sten!" Mahariel called, and the hornless qunari suddenly rounded the corner, the crowd nervously stepping out of his way. Merrill's throat went dry as she stared up at the huge man.
"What is your wish, kadan?" he asked, and Merrill was shocked at the gentleness of his tone, the smooth sound of his voice. Perhaps he wasn't so scary.
"My friend here isn't comfortable in crowds and she needs to get back to the estate. Can you help her find her way? And you don't need to come back if you don't want to."
Sten let out a very heavy sigh of relief. "Thank you, kadan. It would be my honor.."
"I thought so. Merrill, I promise I'll see you soon, okay?"
Merrill nodded again, still staring at Sten's sheer height as he pivoted towards the door. "Follow," he ordered, and Merrill meekly started behind him. However, as soon as they left the palace, Merrill found herself losing ground as the crowd simply reformed behind him, and soon lost sight altogether. She shook, glancing fruitlessly around at the great mass of taller bodies, cursing at herself and her complete failures as a Dalish representative until she felt strong hands grab her beneath the arms and hoist her above the crowd.
"You are too slow," Sten grunted as he placed her on his shoulders. Merrill's face burned as she realized she was now riding a qunari out of the palace like some sort of child, and the only reason she didn't cover her face and try to disappear was that Sten was moving too fast for her to take her arms off his neck.
"Sorry," she whispered frantically as he barreled through the crowd with no regard to who he pushed aside. He merely gave a grunt and pushed on, not bothering to let her down even after they'd passed out of the crowd and were making their way through alleys and side streets. He ducked under a wrought-iron gate and stopped in front of the door to a grand estate. "Off," he said simply, and Merrill slowly slid off his back, trying very hard not to fall on her back in the dusty courtyard.
Sten cracked his neck and opened the door to let himself in, leading her up a short hallway and pointing to a luxurious bedroom. "That is hers," he stated. "If you have trouble, I will be training in the courtyard."
"Thank you, messere Sten," Merrill said, giving her best curtsy. Sten gave a now-familiar grunt and left her to the room. Merrill looked around and decided that Mahariel probably wouldn't mind if she put her pack down beside the chair in the corner. And she probably wouldn't mind if Merrill just curled up in that chair because she didn't know what to do with herself and she didn't know where she stood with the one person who'd occupied her mind and soul for the last year and she didn't like this stupid human city and all these people keeping them apart. And she had been walking so so so far and maybe she just wanted to rest her feet and her eyes for just a little while.
She awoke to the sound of the door gently closing behind Mahariel. As her eyes fluttered open, she saw Mahariel giving her a lopsided smile, her tired eyes half-closed, and her heart skipped a beat as she remembered that look, given at sunset, when they'd first wandered off in search of ruins together so long ago. But then they made eye contact, and Mahariel looked away, and her smile turned down.
"Liali," Merrill murmured, trying out the first name for the first time in a year, hoping it would spur a memory in the other woman, praying to all the gods that she mattered to Liali as much as Liali mattered to her.
Liali choked, then sniffed as she looked back up to Merrill. She opened her mouth, then closed it again and chose to walk over and sit on the bed. "I didn't think the Keeper would send you," she at last, looking down. "I almost hoped she wouldn't."
A lump rose in Merrill's throat alarmingly fast, her stomach dropping as she hugged her knees to her chest. "I'm sorry," she said, struggling with the words. "I thought we...I thought we, we shared something, I shouldn't have come, it was all just a childish...a fantasy, a-"
"Oh, no! No, no, no!" Liali gasped, getting to her feet and rushing over to Merrill. "I didn't mean-you and I, that did mean something, it's just..." Liali reached out and carefully touched Merrill's shoulder. "Please, I don't- don't cry, just let me explain, I..."
Merrill couldn't respond, burying her head between her knees and trying not to get snot and tears all over herself, hating the absurd noises she was making, hating herself for letting herself be so vulnerable in front of her brave, strong, beautiful hunter, hating that she pinned all her hopes on this stupid childish crush, and she was so absorbed in all of this that she almost didn't notice when Liali leaned over her and kissed the top of her head. "Please don't cry," Liali whispered fearfully, "Please don't, please, come here..."
Merrill unfurled herself and threw her body into Liali's waiting arms, unable to parse any of this, just sniffling into Liali's shoulder. "I'm sorry, whatever I did, I'm sorry," she mumbled into the drakescale.
"Shhh," Liali cooed, stroking her back. "It's nothing you did. It's what I did, and what I didn't do. Come here," she urged, taking Merrill's hand and leading her over to the bed. As they sat together on the edge, Liali stroked her thumb over Merrill's hand, and her heart jumped just a bit. Neither of them spoke for a time, Merrill just listening to Liali's breath as she tried in vain to start.
"There were only two Grey Wardens left in Ferelden after Ostagar," she said at last. "Just me and...and a human man. Alistair. It was up to us to gather an army, defeat the Archdemon. We...we spent a lot of time together. And he was sweet, and funny, and brave and strong and loving and..." She lost her words again and tightened her grip on Merrill's hand as her head spun. A human? A man? Merrill's knuckles went white.
"And you don't want me around," Merrill spat. "The girlish crush, the one who never gets what's supposed to be just silly experiments and not love, I see what's-"
"He's dead," Liali interrupted, and Merrill's mouth clamped shut again. "To kill an Archdemon, a Grey Warden has to sacrifice their life to destroy its soul. He made that sacrifice. For me. Because we loved each other, and he wouldn't give me the choice." She drew in a shuddering breath. "Merrill, it was...everything but what I had to do just...slipped my mind, except for him. I forgot about the clan. I forgot about even you, because you'd already moved north. I thought, I thought that I would never see you again, that I might not even get this thing done without getting killed. And I loved him. I really, really did. So we...I gave myself to him, and he gave himself to me. We took the time we thought we had. I never thought I'd make it through to the end of the Blight with nowhere to go from here. And after we buried him, I thought of you, and I hoped I'd never have to explain all this to you, because it all hurts so much." Liali fought back a sob and wiped at her eyes, and seemed unable to continue.
Merrill opened her mouth, but couldn't decide what to say. She wanted to yell at her, for betraying her, for letting someone else touch her in a way that they'd never dared in those moonlit adventures, for forgetting her and leaving her all alone in the clan with no friends and not even a distant lover to pine for. And she wanted to take her in her arms and tell her it was okay, that she understood, that she saw the pain in Liali and knew that she was telling the truth, and they'd never really established what they were to each other, she'd done nothing wrong. And she very much wanted to cry because all of this was so dreadfully unfair.
Instead of saying any of that, she leaned over and kissed Liali again, and briefly lost herself and all her anxieties in the sensation of lips meeting, of tongues twirling, of the confused lust and despair mixed in the both of them. Liali finally broke the kiss, panting, and wiped her eyes. "And now," she said, a wet laugh in her voice, "I feel like I'm betraying him, too..."
"I could never hate you for that, ma vhenan," Merril murmured into her love's ear. "And if this man was good enough for you to love, he can't hate you for this, either." She ran the back of her hand down Liali's tear-streaked cheek. "Let's forget about all of this. Let's just..." She swung her leg over the bed and straddled Liali's lap, hooking her arms behind her and fiddling with the clasps on her armor. "Forget about this whole year," she finished, pushing Liali backwards onto the bed, relishing the flush of her face, the way her eyes widened as Merrill pulled off her breastplate. "Just for a while," she promised, and she leant down and let Liali return her kiss with passion.
There wasn't much in the way of talk after that; they struggled with their clothes in silence, and revealed their feelings for each other through less structured vocalizations than words. As Merrill lay on top of Liali in the afterglow, she carefully pulled the covers up over the both of them and wrapped her arm around the body she'd wanted to see for so long. She laid a careful kiss on the back of Liali's neck and whispered devilishly, "Now we're even." Liali's deep belly laughs quite quickly turned into sobs, but Merrill held on regardless, whispering sweet reassurances into her lover's ear and riding out the storm with her until she had so exhausted herself that she could do nothing but pass into sleep.
They awoke in darkness some time later, and neither of them felt a deep urge to light a candle, or move much at all, simply settling into each other and letting body heat provide the comfort. After a time, Merrill felt bold enough to ask: "Come back with me." But after a moment of pregnant silence, she knew the answer could not be "yes". There were still darkspawn bands roaming and ravaging the country, Liali said, and being a Warden was for life. Maybe she'd come by and visit when all this settled down, she said, and though it wasn't what Merrill wanted to hear, it was enough. It was enough to know that despite everything the Blight had brought, their connection would remain. And lying in that bed with her arms wrapped around the Hero of Ferelden, Merrill couldn't help but compare them, to wonder at Liali's bravery and strength in her fight against darkness. Perhaps she couldn't match it, but maybe she could try to be...better.
Maybe she could find the mirror that caused all of this in the first place and purify it, recreate it, and fix Liali. Yes, that was what she would do when it came time to leave; a brief visit on the way out of Ferelden to find what still lay in those ruins. And when Liali had finished her next stint of heroism, and came back to Merrill, she could remove the taint and Liali could stay with her forever. Whatever it took, Merrill would get her back for good one day, she swore it to herself; she wanted to spend every night like this, and that was worth any price, any price at all.