Spur of a moment thins. Hope you like. Based on Jueves by La Oreja de Van Gogh. Great and sad song. Hope you like it. :) Lyrics slightly altered to fit the story.
I woke up groggily. Yesterday had been almost an all-nighter and well…according to my clock it was 7:30…7:30! I figuratively jumped from my bed and rushed to the bathroom. I had to get ready fast and quick. I had to get there early. I had to. I needed to.
Si fuera más guapo y un poco más listo (If I was handsomer and a bit smarter)
I looked myself in the mirror…I was just so dull. Messy golden bangs that fell till my chin, lanky frame with very little muscle here and there, clothes that, although nice, were just a bit too big from my lithe frame, hand-me-downs from my cousin pants that fell if it weren't for the belt and dirty old sneakers. I sighed. How will it ever be? I am just too dull. Just too skinny. Just too ordinary. Not even worth a quick glance.
Si fuera especial, si fuera de revista (If I was special, if I were of magazines)
It was almost 9. I had practically run to the station, hoping, praying, to be on time. And thank God, I did get on time. Clutching my school bag I waited impatiently for the train to arrive. Hoping and praying, I waited. Taking a deep breath I waited. At 9, the sound of the subway reverberated around the platform.
Tendría el valor de cruzar el vagón, y preguntarte quien eres (I'll have the strength to cross the wagon and ask who you are)
I watched through my bangs. Nervous and fidgeting, I watched and watched. Out of the blue, he had just appeared on this train one day and since then he boarded this train everyday. I wondered why? Everyone who boarded this train had a special reason, since it the station was kind of far. I, for instance, boarded this train because it's the only one close enough for me to get to school. But…he. He suddenly appeared. I remember that day clearly. He practically jumped inside, his golden, spiky mane a bit ruffled. His jacket slipping from his shoulder thanks to his bag, his pale skin a bit flushed from the exertion. I was struck. He was muscular but not exaggeratedly so, no, he was the perfect fit, a Calvin Klein model. And when he turned his face to look about, I swayed where I sat. He had sky blue eyes, an angel chiseled face, perfect thin lips, high cheekbones. He was otherworldly. He was supernatural. He was a divine sent being. I looked away, before he could realize I was literally gawking at him. I took deep breaths and tried to control the sudden blush that had assaulted me as well as my racing heart. From the corner of my eye, I saw him sit down on the set of seats before mine. His hands searched his bag for something. I saw him smile when he found whatever he was searching for. Ah! Headphones. Placing them on he pressed play on his device, closed his eyes and rested his head on the glass behind him. I waited a bit and finding that he was disconnected from this world, I took a book for precautions, opened it on a random page and through my bangs began my silent stare. With a tint of pink on my cheeks, I realized I had fallen for a stranger on a first glance.
Te sientas en frente y no te imaginas que llevo por ti mi camisa más bonita (You sit before me and you can't imagine, that I wear for you, my prettiest shirt)
Next day, I woke earlier than usual. Took a quick bath and for the first time used that scented soap a friend of mine had given me as a joke that for a strange reason I had never disposed of. It smelled nice. Once finished, I stood before my closet and open drawers. Today…I had the feeling that I had to wear nice clothes. And that feeling will keep on being in me for the rest of my days. I glared and cursed at my closet. There was nothing, nothing here that looked nice enough. Nothing that looked fashionable enough. Nothing that screamed LOOK AT ME enough. In a fit of rage, I took and threw shirts and pants and jackets and all that was mine to the floor. I glared at the clock. 7:30. I had no time!
I screamed in frustration and look at the mess around me. And there…and there I saw the perfect shirt. It was nice. It was simple and yet not that much. It was elegant and yet not to exuberantly so. It was perfect. And so I put it on and a pair of khaki pants with lots of bags on them. I stared myself in the mirror. I looked nice and yet…I felt. I felt so, so little. Who was I kidding? Even with all these nice clothes on…it doesn't change the fact that I am…not on his level. I felt miserable. I felt useless. Who was I trying to impress? Him? How could I ever impress him? I was closer to impressing a rock, but him? He would never look at me…he would never glance my way. I am dull beyond comparison. I sighed sadly and passed a hand through my dull, messy, golden hair. The clock read 7:50. Oh no! I am going to be late! I put on a pair of sneakers, not bothering to see if they matched and ran out the door with my schoolbag barely hanging of my shoulders. Besides, I didn't even know if he would be there! He had never been before so…why now? I sighed. Yeah. He won't be there. Yesterday had been just a mistake he had made or the only train that he could catch that day.
I sat at my usual spot and sighed. Dropping my schoolbag beside me, I rested my head on the glass behind. He wasn't here. He would never be here again. I looked at the cuff of my shirt. Hmph. And I had bothered to dress nicely for once. My hand fisted the cuff. Even if he had come, why would he ever look at me? I looked about. Yeah. If he ever came it would be for the pretty auburn haired beauty over there. She had nice skin, pretty green eyes, and a body to die for. Yeah. If he ever came…it would be for her. My chest constricted painfully at the thought, but it was true. If he were to ever look my way, would be only because he confused me with somebody else. Or because he needed directions or something of the sort. I looked up when the doors closed. Wait! He hadn't…And there he was. Sitting with his headphones on his head and his eyes closed. Resting his head on the glass just like yesterday. When had he come!? I gulped and stared a bit longer that usual. It couldn't hurt right? Well…by the beating of my heart it could, it was about to burst. And yet, although I knew it wasn't good for my health…I kept staring. That was until he opened one of his sky blue eyes. I panicked and turned to look at the auburn beauty a few seats away from me. I hoped he hadn't caught me staring. That would be so embarrassing. I prayed he hadn't. But, I realized something. The auburn beauty was also looking at him. Pretending to read something in her cell phone, she was also staring at him. Who wouldn't? He was God sent. And I wonder…would he also be staring at her? Most likely. Who wouldn't? She was Aphrodite in a mortal body. Yeah. I had just been deluding myself. Who would ever look at me? And yet…although I knew this…Everyday since the day he came, I dressed up nicely for him. I scented my body with that embarrassing scented soap that a friend had given me as a joke. I put effort on my appearance for him. But I knew, I was just kidding myself. Nobody ever looks at me.
Y al verte lanzar un bostezo al cristal, se inundan mis pupilas (And upon seeing you yawn towards the crystal, my pupils flood)
Everyday he managed to get to the train just before it closed its door. Everyday he sat there on the same seat. Everyday he would take out his headphones and rest his head on the glass. Everyday the auburn beauty would pretend to be on her phone while her eyes strayed to him. She would smile and text something to a friend most likely about the angel before us. Yeah. She would tell them how handsome he was, how the light made his hair shine like the sun and his skin to emit an ethereal aura. She would tell them how his eyelashes fluttered every time he blinked and how his blue eyes could absorb you like the big blue sea. She would tell them that she was just waiting for the right chance to walk his way, introduce herself and comb a loose strand of silky brown hair back to gain his attention to her green eyes, and ask him out for lunch sometime. And he would introduce himself and say yes. Because that is how it was supposed to happen. Cute and beauty-like girls like her date the handsome and angelic and godlike men like him. Scrawny and twig like boys like me aren't meant to be dating men like him. In fact…men aren't supposed to date men. Right? I mean…I am open-minded and accept that love just happens and no matter what or who you are, love is love and happens and that is that. But…what about him. Even if he spared a glance at me, would he even dare to date me? Even if I'm a man would he date me? Would he love? Would his eyes see beyond my gender and accept me for who I am? Probably not. He seems like the type of man that its straight as a post. Yeah. He would surely say yes if the beauty asked. I sighed and took my book out of my schoolbag. Opening it up, I began reading the second chapter. Although the book is good, my eyes tended to stray every once in a while to the Apollo before me. And my heart would beat rapidly but painfully. I keep on trying to dress as nicely as possible. But…it is a lost cause. Beauty is bound to get to him. I bet sometimes he looks at her from the corner of his eyes.
De pronto me miras, te miro y suspiras (Suddenly, you look at me, I look back and you sigh)
One day he looked my way and it so happened that I was looking at him to. I was too shocked to react, too shocked to even breathe. The worst part was that I was too shocked to look away. Embarrassed, but too shocked to notice, I kept looking. And looking. And looking. My cheeks I felt them get hotter and hotter and hotter. I don't know if beauty noticed nor cared, for I was too immersed in those two pools of ever lasting blue.
Yo cierro los ojos, tu apartas la vista (I close my eyes, you look away)
Someone dropped something and that's when I regained control over myself and blushing, I closed my eyes and dropped my head a bit, hoping for the ground to swallow me whole. But nothing happened. I was still there and he was still there, probably wondering what kind of freak was I, and possibly murdering me with his gaze. I dared to peer over my bangs, hoping, praying that he was still looking at me. Perhaps I could read his eyes, and maybe…just maybe…find something there to anchor my pinning heart on. Anything would suffice. Gentleness, fondness, affection…anything. Anything, hate, disgust, distrust, anger. Just something. Something to clarify my foggy mind, something to calm my heart, my soul. And so…I dared. He was looking elsewhere. Perhaps at the auburn beauty. But I was to devastated to venture one and so I took out my book, my bangs hiding my eyes. I couldn't bear to look up once more. My heart was aching painfully.
Apenas respiro, me hago pequenita y me pongo a temblar ( I barely breath, I become small and start to tremble)
The rest of the ride was quiet. Oh so quiet. Or, perhaps, it was me. I had locked myself away, deep within my being. Wondering. Why? Why had I dared to look at a god? I had no right to! No right to at all! Why? Why? And now…now I had ruined it. He would hate me forever. Worst, he will never come back! I would never see him again. Why? Why had I been so stupid? I felt myself tremble with the horror of my actions. I felt myself tremble because for a single mistake…I had thrown away the best thing that had ever happened to me. Yes. It wasn't exactly what I wanted…but it was something. How I wished…oh how I wished I could be the auburn haired beauty. That way perhaps my glance could have sparked something within him. And we could have left this train holding hands. Yes. Holding hands. Would his feel warm? Would his eyes look at me with undying devotion and affection? Would his smile be a charming one? Would his eyes sparkle with it? Would his embrace feel as soft as a feather and yet strong as the wind? Would his lips be fiery in kisses? Would they make me tingle and shiver? I would never know. Because I had dared to look his way with something in my eyes that must have revolted him. And mainly…because I am no auburn haired beauty.
Y así pasan los días, de lunes a viernes (And so the days pass, from Monday till Friday)
He didn't show up for a while. A while being a month. And everyday I would sit there and look at where he usually sat. I would picture his head resting against the glass, his eye closed with those perfect golden eyelashes tickling his cheek, his thin lips every once in a while moving as he lip sung the song he was listening to, his perfect body relaxed as the train moved. For one month, my heart ached and the guilt and depression grew in me. My friends told me I looked sick. I paid them no attention. How I looked outside was nothing compared to how sick I felt inside. It was killing me. My mistake was slowly and painfully killing me.
Como las golondrinas del poema de Bécquer (Like the swallows in Becquer's poem)
One day he reappeared, and I felt a warm feeling within me that I had so missed. And it spread. And spread. And spread. Melting the guilt, melting the sadness, and leaving in its wake happiness and joy and warmth and all those fuzzy feelings that come with love. But…the embarrassment came tenfold. And I looked down, remembering what had happened that day a month ago. Not only that, but the past weeks, I hadn't bothered to dress nicely anymore. What for? He wasn't there. So…why should I care? I had the idea that he would never show up again. But now…he had come! And here was I, lankier than usual, messier than usual, duller than usual. Oh God! Why? Why? From the corner of my eye, I saw him seat in the usual place, in the usual pose, and I couldn't help but smile. Things were back to normal. Or as normal as they could ever be. For I still wished for more, and I didn't know what he thought of me at all.
De estación a estación, entre tu y yo, va y viene el silencio (From station to station, between you and I, comes and goes the silence)
I wished to talk to him. So many times I wished to talk to him. But I was such a coward. I feared rejection. I feared pain. I feared hate and loathe and disgust. What would he think? Should I stay or should I dare? My feet with nervousness usually tapped. But I was so nervous that not even that I could muster. Why? Why? I looked at him and lowered my sight many times, fearing his gaze, fearing his stare. For…what if he caught me again? He would leave for sure. He would leave for sure and forever. I couldn't, I wouldn't let that happen. My world had just begun with his arrival and when he left it had gone with him. I couldn't, I wouldn't…But one glance. Just one glance wouldn't hurt right? Just looking at him would make me feel alive once more. I didn't live until he came. If I don't look at least once in a while…I would die. I live for him. I live thanks to him. When he left I died inside. So painfully I died inside. When he came back…its like the breath had come back to me. I need him. I need him so much.
De pronto me miras, te miro y suspiras (Suddenly, you look at me, I look back and you sigh)
And so today, I boarded the train and began once more my routine of looking and not looking, looking and not looking. I had realized that I just needed to be extra careful not to get caught. Be quick. I told myself this morning. Be quick and fast and nimble. So, here I am. Looking once and hiding my gaze in the book at my lap. Okay. One glance once more….Oh no! He caught me! He caught me! I will lose him again! I will lose him again! I can't bear that! I can't! I can't! No! God no!
Yo cierro los ojos, tu apartas la vista (I close my eyes, you look away)
His phone sounds. And he as nonchantaly keeps looking at me and answers at the same time. What is the meaning of this? Why is he still looking with those intense blue eyes at me? What is happening? I turn for a second to look at auburn beauty. Had she called him? No. She is staring at him. Yet, it is weird she looks angry? Jealous? His voice brought my gaze back to him. It is so…deep. So…sensual and powerful and beautiful. It melts me inside.
Apenas respiro, me hago pequenita y me pongo a temblar ( I barely breath, I become small and start to tremble)
"Cloud here." He says and his eyes look at me. Piercing my very soul, my very being. He is gazing at me so strongly. His blue eyes scan my whole persona. I feel warm and a bit…intimidated. I feel vulnerable and yet…powerful. His gaze. It is undressing me, it is baring me to him. It is weird. It feels weird, but I can't care any less. He is looking at me! He is acknowledging me as another person in his world. That is enough for me! That is just enough for me! In my excitement I don't realize I shed one tear. Just one tear for joy. That is enough! His gaze is enough!
Y entonces ocurre, despiertan mis labios (And then it happens, my lips wake up)
"C…Cloud…" I dare to whisper his name. And it is such a wonderful feeling. It is such a marvelous dream to me. To see him, see me. To know who he is. Who the object of my affections is. It is wonderful and warm and oh so perfect. I can't believe this is real. Please. Please, let it be real. Please. I ask nothing more. I wish for nothing more. Just this moment to be real. Just his gaze to be real. Just for him to be here. Nothing more. I ask nothing more.
Pronuncian tu nombre tartamudeando. (They stutter your name)
"C-C-Cloud…" I stutter loudly. And I close my eyes embarrassed. How stupid of me! How stupid of me to say his name aloud! He must think me not only a creep but a retard at that. Why? Why? But I needed to say his name aloud. I needed to feel this moment to be real. But, what if I lost him now? If I open my eyes would he still be looking at me with that deep blue gaze of his? Would he still know I am here? Would he even be there? Would he think of me a fool?
Supongo que piensas que chico más tonto, y me quiero morir (I guess you must think, what a dumb boy, and I wish to die)
I shouldn't have said his name! I shouldn't have stuttered his name! If he once thought something of me, if he held an idea of me…I had just ruined it. Just as usual I ruin things! Kill me! Kill me now God! After all, without him my world just stops turning. I keep on existing. So kill me! Kill me now! I can't bear the idea of him not here, of him not before me. But…nothing came and I dare to open my eyes. And he is there…he is there looking at me with something in his eyes different from the fierceness of before, something I can't read nor identify…what is this?
Suddenly, he stands up and I feel how the world looses it's meaning, how time stands till, how everything ceases to exist except for he and I. He gets closer to me, so close I can feel his warmth radiating from that god-like body of his, I can feel the emotion in those deep blue eyes that got me captivated, those eyes that I just can't look away from. He is now before me, his body towering over mine and I shiver from both fear and anticipation. He bends and puts both his hands in the glass behind me, encaging me with his body. I gulp nervously. What is going on? What does he want from me? Why…why isn't he doing this to auburn beauty? That's the way it is supposed to be! Not this! Not this! What is happening? My hearts beats and beats and beats so loud I swear he can hear it. How embarrassing! Stop looking at me that way. I close my eyes! Maybe if I wish enough, all will return back to normal. All will be back the way it was before. I pinning for him from afar, he unknowing of my existence. Yes. That's the way it is supposed to be. Yes. Now. Wish. Wish, wish…
I open my eyes and he is there. Just as before. Why? Why? Why is he doing this to me? What did I do? And just when I was about to push him away…he smiles. And…God it's a beautiful smile. I stare and stare at him. Stare at the softness of his features, at the sparkles of those eyes as he gazes at me as if I were some sort of gift from the heavens, at the way his lips are pulled gently as he smiles. And…I blush and shiver and gawk and melt and fog my mind. I can't help the crazy beat of my heart as I am encaged by his body, as I am captured by his soft blue eyes and as I am swooned by that smile of his. He then caresses my face softly, and I lean towards his touch…my eyes never leaving his. Could this mean…could this be? Can I dream? Can I hope? Can I touch? Can I see? Can I love him?...Could he love me?
"I don't even know you." He says as his fingers flow on my chin. "And yet…I missed you." His thumb traces my bottom lip, his eyes lovingly following the lines of my face. My hearts flutter with each word. My heart flutters with his touch. My soul leaps with the meaning of his words. He…he does. He loves me! He aches for me as I for him. I…I can dream. I can hope. I can touch him. I can love him! He chuckles as my hands touches his arm and goes up and up to his head.
"Every morning…every morning since by coincidence I caught this train for I had missed mine…" His hair is so soft compared to its spiky appearance. "I take this train." He cleans a lone tear that had escaped me. "For you are in it." I take his hand and kiss it. He smells so nicely.
I can feel how we are slowly reaching our destination. How…how can this day get any better? How could my life get any better? It had changed so radically and in the most splendorous way. Today when I get home, I would mark in my calendar March 11 as the day I actually started living. God…Thank you. Thank you so very much. I kiss his hand once more. He takes my free one and kisses it as well. "What's your name?" He asks.
"Link." I say with a smile. He smiles back and kisses my forehead. His warm lips burn my skin so delightfully.
"Well Link…would you do me the pleasure of joining me for lunch today…Say at two at the pizza place in central plaza?" He smirks my way and I shiver. How could this perfect man had chosen me? He was so perfect for me…But, I am not complaining.
"S-Sure." I stutter. He chuckles sweetly and ruffles my hair affectionately.
"Well…almost there." And so we enter the station's tunnel holding hands. Yes. March 11 had become the best day of my life.
I find your face thanks to my hands for my eyes have gone blind. Everything has gone black. I touch you softly as I had done minutes ago. I can't imagine how could this day have turned like this, but…I guess that's how life goes…and well…it was nice while we held hands…I move slowly, trying to get close to you and when my lips find yours I kiss you. I kiss you as deeply as I can. I love you. I love you so very much. Tears stream down my face as I imagine you smiling back at me, that cute smile you smiled a few minutes ago and that lit up my world, that allowed me to see colors I had never seen before.
"C-Cloud…C-Cloud…" You gasp my name and I ache for you. I ache for us. Why…Why? I cry and cry as I picture that soft hand of yours caressing my hair so lovingly, just as you are now. "C-Cloud…Cl…ugh…" I find your hand and hold it close to me and kiss it over and over again.
"Sh…Sshhh Link..." I say but I sob between the words. Your coughing fit stops and I fear the worst for I don't hear you take a breath once more. I find your lips and wait. I exhale happily as I feel your breath. "Its okay Link. Its okay." I say reassuringly. I feel my lungs painfully filling up and I cough loudly.
"C-Cloud…don't…Cloud…" You gasp panicking and your hand moves and touches my face. I can picture your worried frown although I have seen it a few times. I can imagine it clearly. And I touch your face. I am here. I am here Link.
"Cloud…" You gasp. I cough loudly, expelling the foul metallic liquid. My hand caresses your face. You are so cold. Link. You are so cold. "Cloud…C…loud…I…" You gasp and I feel you stiffen. I cry louder. Why? Why? Why?! WHY GOD?! "I…I love you…Cloud…" You shudder strongly and I kiss you. I kiss you deeply and lovingly and passionately. And I feel you smile. My Link…My beloved Link…I feel you shudder once more and you body goes unimaginably cold. I love you too Link. I think those words, for I am too tired to say them. But...although I say nothing, I know you know I how I feel. You know I love you and that's all that matters. I smile and try to hold you as close to me as possible. Yes. This feels right. A couple of tears fall from my eyes, but with you here in my arms…well let it come whatever it may come. Yes. This feels right. You, in my arms, feels right. And…I exhale.