This is a result of me seeing a post of how in love Regina looks at Emma, writing a tag with a fic idea, and then the thechic-geek telling me to write it (blame her :P) Thank you to thechic-geek and eemersonm for looking over it before I post. I hope this gets you in the feels! Tell me what you think :)
I thought that I fell in love with you the moment you climbed out of that well. The jolts that went through my heart when I saw your eyes were nothing to do with the curse I had just consumed for you. Of course that is what I blamed it on at that second. But when you smiled at me to mutter "Thanks" the jolt struck again, more forceful that time and I couldn't contain my unguarded smile.
Only 3 people have seen my true smile. Daniel, back when I took hope and happiness for granted, every time I saw his face I smiled, I didn't even have to think about it. That all changed when he was ripped from my life, and no one saw my real smile for a really long time. The next, was Henry, the moment I held him in my arms the smile was immediate, and I knew that he was going to be my happy ending. The happy 'ending' lasted 9 years. Then the book came. Then you came.
Coincidently, I gave the privilege of seeing my true smile to you, Emma. At the time, I argued with myself that I only smiled at you like that because of Henry. No, it is so much more than that. You represent hope, Emma. When I saw you, I saw hope. Hope that my son will forgive me and love me, hope that I can redeem myself, hope that I can be loved. You bring my true smile out because I will you to see that I am human, I have hopes, I can love, I can be loved.
When I have time alone with my thoughts, which is more often than not, I realise that I did not fall in love with you all at once when you came back from fairy-tale land. Love crept into my heart, day by day, and I didn't see it coming. It came in the disguise of hate, fear and even lust. I have always felt something towards you, and now I realise that it has always been love, in different forms. Don't be under the impression that this was easy to admit, to understand. But after I lost everything, to know that I can feel something and feel it so strongly is a blessing.
I wish you would stop saving me, stop giving all that hope, because I know that no matter how many times you save me, you save me because Henry wants it, you save me because you're the saviour. Each time you saved me, my heart fluttered in the hope that you did it because you wanted to, because you wanted me. But that's never why. I know that now. You told me yourself.
When you invited me to dinner, I couldn't stop my smile. You couldn't seem to either, although yours was more shaky and nervous, but I revelled in that smile as like everything else you do, it gave me hope. I left the diner, I expected to be ignored, I have been treated like that before, nobody notices my absence. But you did. And for one shining moment, it looked as if you wanted my presence. Then reality came crashing back when you said the three words "Henry wanted it" the "I didn't want it, don't even think for one second that I want you near me" were unspoken, but they weren't unheard. Even with my decades of practice of hiding my emotions, I couldn't mask my disappointment, my shame.
The next time I saw you, you broke my heart. It wasn't the first time you did, and it wasn't the last time either. When your Mother revealed that you can do magic, I was scared. Not for me, not even for Henry, I was scared for you. I hope you remember that magic comes with a price, promise me that you will control yourself, and only use magic to protect yourself and Henry. The last thing I want is for you to be consumed by magic in the way I am. It won't work that way though will it? You have so many people who love you, who will save you from yourself. I often think how my life would be if my Mother hadn't killed Daniel, and I lived as a Stable boy's wife. There's a big problem with that, I would have never met Henry. I would have never fallen in love with you. As much as it hurts, I don't ever want to change that.
You stopped believing in me. I stood strong when the rest of the town turned against me, but when you did, I crumbled. Your words that day constantly plague my thoughts, and you were right. I will always be the disappointment, the failure. I will always be everybody else's puppet, and each time I bend to their will. You must understand that? The feeling that your whole life is for destiny's sake and whatever choices you make it will always end the same way.
When you returned from doing Gold's favour with a man who is Gold's son and also Henry's Father, I almost laughed, until I saw your face. I could tell that he broke your heart, and I didn't like that. He quickly bonded with our son, didn't he? I could do nothing but watch from a distance as I was trying to fool my Mother into thinking I was on her side at the time. You watched as well, and I saw your stare slowly change from distaste to acceptance, and that hurt me more than it should. Not only was he taking Henry from me he was taking what I had of you too.
I risked my life for you when I appeared in your room that night. But I needed to see you. I was tired of pretending for my Mother, tired of convincing her that I hate you. Your first instinct when you saw me was to grab me and restrain me against the wall, I could have easily pushed you away with my magic but I didn't want to. I missed you, and this is what we did best, the passionate, angry arguing that always left me out of breath with a small but sure smile on my face. I let you shout at me while I took the chance to look at your face, screwed up in anger. I didn't realise I was smiling until you screamed at me, because of course you thought I was smiling as I was humoured at your anger. No, I was smiling because even if I never get my happy ending, even if I were to die, I got to see you, really see you before it ended.
After you stopped shouting at me, your grip loosened and you made to step away. I stopped you; I couldn't have you that close and not touch you, not after all that time apart. You let me embrace you; my head leant on your shoulder, breathing in your smell. You stayed still; your arms straight against your sides, and the only sounds were our breathing. I couldn't hold it in any longer, all my emotions, all my feelings for you, so I pressed my lips to yours in desperation, trying to say everything I just couldn't put into words. You pushed me away seconds later, I looked down; I didn't want to see the look of disgust on your face, wiping your mouth with the back of your hand.
All I could do was whisper "I'm sorry" before looking into your eyes one more time as the purple smoke of my magic engulfed me, taking me back to my Mother's grasp. I couldn't mask my emotions in front of my Mother that night, and for that I paid dearly. She saw right through my lies and as she punished me, she kept repeating "You are weak. Love is weakness." And I know, I know love is weakness, but I am so tired of being strong. I just wanted to be loved.
She kept me for 2 hours before she grew bored and tossed me out, leaving me in the middle of Main Street, too tired and beaten to get up from the ground, so I lay there and I waited for you, for you to save me. It was night still, and the town was silent. I tried calling for you, but you never came. I eventually fell into an uncomfortable sleep, and when I woke, I was surrounded by the townspeople. One exclaimed that I have awoken and immediately they all took a step back, their stances turned offensive. Fools I thought, didn't they not notice I was bruised and battered, almost unable to move? Of course not. All they saw was the Evil Queen. That's all I'll ever be.
Archie was my saviour that day. He carried me away from the protests of the townspeople, and into his office. We spoke no words; he knew what had happened to me. I think he knows that I am in love with you, he is surprisingly good at his job, even though he got it through my curse. He healed me the best he could and when I gathered enough strength, I healed the worst of the wounds with my magic. He left as I did this, and I could tell he was on the phone to you. I don't know how he did it, but he managed to get you to come to the office.
You couldn't even look me in the eye. You were silent as I quietly told you Cora's plans and when I was done, you were already heading for the door. I lightly grabbed your wrist, willing you to let me explain. You didn't turn to me, you just froze, one hand still on the door handle and you said "Let. Go." And I did, but not before telling you "I love you" I whispered it, but it echoed through the room and you stayed still, and for a moment it seemed that you were going to turn and stay, but you just shook your head and slammed the door. Leaving me, like everybody else.
You went to war the next day, and you said nothing when I requested to fight by your side, I wanted to prove to you, to everyone that I could redeem myself, that I already had. I took your silence as acceptance, and walked behind the crowd as they went to the cemetery to where my Mother was hiding. Somehow, they managed to restrain her, and you were given the honour of killing her. I took a step forward, finding your eyes and I pleaded for you just to lock her up. Instead you nodded to someone behind me who restrained me with more force than was necessary and I was forced to watch as you sliced your Father's sword through my Mother.
I am in love with the woman who killed the only person left who loved me. Everybody celebrated while I stared at the ground; I didn't want to see my Mother's dead body. I felt a hand on my shoulder and my heart soared in the hope that it was you, finally talking to me, finally letting me explain. I looked up to see Snow White. I hated the look of pity on her face, like she knows what it feels like to watch the last person in the world who loves you die. I looked away from her and searched for you in the crowds.
I strode to you with purpose and stopped just behind you. "Emma" was all I said, and you visibly flinched before you turned to face me. "It had to be done." And I smiled because you thought I was going to be angry with you. "I know" you started to turn away and I stopped you again, making you face me "Emma, I…" You shook your arm from my grasp and backed away "No, Regina. You don't love me, I don't…love you, you can't love me. Just…leave me alone" and that was the last time you broke my heart, this time the whole town was there to witness it. I looked to Henry, who was holding the hand of his Father, looking at me with confusion and a hint of disgust. I looked back at you and that was when I made my decision.
This is where I find myself now, sitting in your office at the Sheriff's station, writing this letter for you. I have no purpose in this world now; Henry has all he's ever wanted, and whatever happiness you find, it will not be with me. Underneath this letter is one for Henry, and one for Archie, I trust you can deliver those for me. For you three are the only people I care about, you may not care for me, you may not love me, but I do love you. I never thought it would end like this, but the years have made me grow weary and I am sick of being strong, I am sick of destiny. This is my choice. No one else's.
Look after our son well, Emma. I know you will. Don't let your Mother model you into a princess, you and I both know that you are far from royalty, and you don't want to be. I have just one request; please bury me with my Father. I'll go in the hopes that in the future, Henry may come and visit me, maybe he'll talk to me the way he used to, maybe he'll tell me what has happened in the latest issue of our favourite comic. Maybe.
Goodbye Emma, I love you.
R.M.
"Shit" Emma breathed out as she finished reading Regina's letter. Emma had found Regina, slumped in her office chair, a gun on the floor beneath her. After the initial shock, she called the hospital, who put Regina in a white bag and wheeled her into the ambulance. 3 envelopes lay on the desk, the top one reading 'Emma' in Regina's delicate handwriting. Emma slowly picked it up, and sat on the desk, looking away from the chair that not so long ago Regina had sat in.
"Emma, are you okay?" Snow asked, seeing her daughter looking at a letter with wide, wet eyes. Emma cleared her throat and looked up, forcing a small smile towards her Mother and nodding, before picking up the other two envelopes and readied herself to break the news to Henry.
"What's in that letter?"
"Proof."
"Of what?"
"That Regina can love." Emma wished that she could take her harsh words back, she wished she did a lot of things differently. Now she has to explain to her son that his other Mom is dead, or maybe Regina explains it in the letter to him, she'll always be the better Mother for Henry, even now that she's gone.
Emma almost wished that she loved Regina back, to save herself from all this guilt she is feeling. Regina was wrong about one thing though, Emma did care about Regina. And she is going to miss her, she really is.
Goodbye Regina
We Miss You
1977 - 2012