Disclaimer: I don't own Doctor Who or any of the characters/storylines mentioned, they are all property of the BBC.
Pairings: slight Doctor/Rose and Doctor/Master
Summary: The Doctor thinks over his life in recent years, how it became better with the arrival of Rose but how he lost it all.
Lachrymation
Lacrimation also spelled lachrymation. In essence it's nothing more than a fancy word for crying. Usually the cause of lacrimation is intense emotion; either joy or sorrow. Out of all the races in existence across the universe the Doctor understood this concept more than anyone.
The Doctor sighed as he rubbed his eyes, red and swollen from prolonged periods of crying. He seemed to be doing a lot of that recently. Ever since he had met Rose after years of loneliness his life had changed so much.
Rose…the Doctor sniffed and rubbed his eyes, willing himself not to cry. It had been so long since he had last seen her standing on that beach. She had told him she loved him. He had smiled and said "Rose Tyler". Then he lost his chance to finish the sentence. He was sure he loved her, that it was true love. Then fate had been as cruel to him as it had been his entire life and had viciously ripped her away from him.
That was when he started crying again. Until Rose came along he hadn't cried for years. Not a single tear. Not since the destruction of Gallifrey. He had cried so much then he had thought that the tears would never stop flowing. Eventually they had and he had tried his best to get on with his life. He had avoided getting another companion, becoming close to another person, instead drifting from time to time. He had feared that if he did he would lose them again.
Then he had met Rose and from the moment he met he had felt there was something special about her. He decided he would take the risk and invite her to travel with him in the TARDIS. She accepted and over those few months his life had been better than it had been in a long time. Then the Daleks had crashed back into his life and almost ruined it again. He had to regenerate to after saving her life, but it was a small price to pay. Although for a while he had thought he would lose her, thought the shock of it was too much for her to cope with and get her mind round. But she surprised him by staying by his side. Accepting him.
Just as things were going great and he was beginning to feel happy and content with life, his life, the Battle of Canary Warf kicked off. At the very last moment as he thought it was all over, thought he had won, fate delivered the knockout blow. He lost her forever and it hit him hard.
After losing his only chance to tell her how he felt he cried. Not many tears, just one solitary tear that showed the internal pain and emotional turmoil he was feeling. Before he had the chance to dwell on his loss he was thrust into his next adventure with the headstrong Donna Noble. He had given her the chance to come with him, he felt she would help him to get over his loss but she had refused, so again the Doctor found himself alone.
Next had been Martha. Sweet, kind, caring Martha. She could never compare to Rose and she knew it. The Doctor hadn't meant to hurt her but eventually he realised she was as good a companion as Rose but in a different way. Then Jack had come sprinting back into his life. Literally. He was a painful 'blast from the past' that the Doctor would have rather avoided but apparently he wanted answers. Answers the Doctor didn't have. Then he had mentioned Rose and the Doctor had tried to cover up his pain as he told Jack what happened. Tried to appear cheerful to mask the grief he was feeling.
However that grief was nothing compared to the grief he felt as realisation dawned on him as to who Professor Yana really was. His best friend and also his greatest nemesis. The torturous year that had followed had been nothing short of a nightmare for the Doctor and the entire Earth.
That was the second moment in his life that he allowed himself to cry following Gallifrey's destruction and the loss of Rose.
The Master had tortured him, tried to break him and he had succeeded. The Doctor had cried then, not caring anymore if the Master thought him weak. He cried for the suffering of everyone on Earth and the Valiant, he believed it to be all as a result of him. He cried for Martha and the tremendous task he had charged her with. Finally he cried for himself and the Master and how their lives had been anything but easy.
Once however the Master had held him as he cried and showed something akin to compassion and love. That one gesture had given the Doctor strength and hope to carry on. It had also given him belief that maybe Koschei was still in there somewhere, under the cold and malicious mask that was the Master. After that moment he wouldn't let himself cry anymore no matter what the Master threw his way. There were some rare days that the Master would be calm and sane and would talk with the Doctor on hours reminiscing, all signs of madness gone. No talk of universal domination. The Doctor had enjoyed these days; they had strengthened his hope and resolve all the more.
When the day finally came that he stopped the Masters plan the Doctor hadn't let his guard down, the last time he had done that it had cost him dearly. He couldn't, wouldn't lose the only other Time Lord in existence. He wouldn't be alone again. His alertness had paid off as the Master had tried to escape and after convincing him not to kill them both they had returned to the Valiant. The Doctor had finally begun to let his guard down. Then it happened.
He should have realised something would happened. He blamed himself. He should have realised how unstable Lucy was, should have kept a closer eye on her. Should have realised fate would never grant him happiness. But he didn't and that left the Master dying in his arms. He refused to regenerate and the Doctor did what would be considered a normal reaction. He cried.
Fate: 3 The Doctor: 0
He had pleaded with the Master to regenerate but he refused. He had panicked, he didn't want to be alone again, the Last of the Time Lords. He wanted the Master with him in the TARDIS, to feel the constant presence of another Time Lord instead of the emptiness that had normally filled his head, and his heart. The Master had died in his arms asking, almost begging him, if the drumming would stop.
At first the Doctor had thought the Master had chosen to die because that meant he would 'win' and in the process inflict emotional damage on the Doctor. However the Doctor thought he had seen something else in the Masters eyes as the life left them. Tiredness. He was sick and tired of the universe, of fighting and of losing all he had. The Master had taken the easy way out, same as he always did. He always left the Doctor to deal with the mess he left behind.
No matter how much the Doctor loved exploring the universe and helping people he often wondered what it would be like to end it all. No more fighting, no more running and no more pain. However he could never bring himself to end it all. He didn't know whether it was fear or the fact it would hurt the friends he would leave behind. So instead he cries. It's his outlet, his way of easing the pain he feels.
He cried one single tear for Rose. He shed so many more for the Master. He had loved Rose but not in the way he loved the Master.
As the Doctor stood up to face the universe again he tried to forget his pain for now. Tried to forget how many tears he had shed over one Time Lord. If tears could bring people back the tears he had shed over the Master alone could bring back the Time Lords the Doctor reflects bitterly. But tears don't bring people back. The Doctor knows in his hearts tears won't bring the Master back but he will never stop crying.
As the Doctor opens the door and exits the TARDIS to an unknown planet, to a new adventure he knows he will carry on but the Master will always be the reason the Doctor cries himself to sleep at night.
Lacrimation…the Doctor knew it well. It was his way of life.
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