Telling Renesmee "the story"
Intro : OK so this is set in the year 3000 (yes did the busted song come into your head to ?". but the cullens and Jacob did not bother to tell Renesmee the love story between the 3 of them, and they are doing it now so fair play people not a bit late or anything.
Edward : Is Buffy the Vampire slayer really nothing to do wit us ?
Rosalie : Not unless were like weirdo evil people.. WIT GELLED BLONDE HAIR
"Edward stares back at Rosalie"
Edward : is that not your…. Full body description.. Like without the mirror
Rosalie : No, there is no Rosalie in a sentence without Mirror somewhere there to and besides my hairs not gelled !
Edward : Actually, the little mini hairs at the top right hand corner of your forhead are clearly wet, hard and sticky.. "cough" gel "cough"
"Rosalie planks herself, IS HER GEL SECRET OUT !! I must think of a good mean comeback.. She thought"
Rosalie : YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE IS ROCK HARD AND STICKY !?
Edward : …
Rosalie : THE RIGHT HAND CORNER OF YOUR FACE !
"Rosalie runs away"
Edward : well that was pleasant
"Jacob walks in"
Jacob : Edward ??
Edward : yes my little pedigree ??
Jacob : you cant call me that anymore
Edward : why
Jacob : well if you can call me what you like, I can call you what I like
Edward : Well tall, bronze and sexy ? Call me that if you want
Jacob : I have something else in mind. So start again
Edward : OK
"Jacob leaves and walks back in again"
Edward : what is it my little pedigree chum ?
Jacob : Well my ice cube, I was wondering if I could be Nessie out tonight. I would have just took her, but apparently when Alice (Mini Mouse) loses her sight.. People get shot
Edward : well don't leave mini mouse blind, and unattended with a gun. Your leg seemed to learn the lesson when you came back
Jacob : So can I ?
Edward : No where having the em MEETING tonight
Jacob : NO
Edward : Yep, me you and Bella are explaining our history, that people seem to be calling the twilight saga
Jacob : DO WE HAVE TO GO THROUGH EVERYTHING
Edward : yep, unfortunately. Me and Bella, Bella as a human, me wanting to kill her, Jasper and the broken plates and all of that leading to you being a Pedo
Jacob : ITS NOT LIKE THAT !!
Edward : yeaa.
Jacob : how would you like it if people called you a, a, a-
Edward : A ??
Jacob : shut up !
"Bella walks in with Renesmee, followd by the rest of the Cullens"Bella : OK, were going to tell Renesmee the story of our love-
Edward : and Jacobs owl awkard phase-
Bella : yes an-
Edward : and your multi personality thing and her accomplishment of her fear of cliffs
Bella : yes but-
Edward : and Jacob.. The Pedofi-
Bella : Edward we'll get there !
Edward : Wonderful
Renesmee : OK.. Like begin
Bella : Well I met your father in school when I was a human and em he didn't like me that much
Edward & Jacob : wanted to eat her alive actually
Bella : Thank you, really.. But yes he wanted to eat me. So that made things awkard but after a few months of watching me sleep he reliased he loved me and I loved him so we got together. Then we went to play baseball with your aunty and uncles and we ran into Laurent, Victoria and James-
Edward : AKA Bob Marley, Gingerina and Goldie Hawn-
Bella : And James um.. He went to this Ballet studio, I followed him there like a fool to save my mother (a video tape) and he bit me, your father sucked it out and we lived happily ever after-
Edward : yes for like 2 months or something-
Bella : So round came my birthday, and Alice through me a party, and whilst opening my presents I paper cutted my finger-
Jacob and Renesmee : SMART-
Bella : yes. And well Jasper took a fit and attacked me as he does-
Jasper : IM GETTING THERAPY OK !!
Bella : So your father thought he'd leave me to protect me.. So he did, leave me, in a forest, on my own..
Edward : are you OK ?
Bella : CHEST PAIN !!! Sorry, so I went into depression for a while and when I started coming out of depression I decied to get motorbikes to make myself feel better. But they were broken. So I brought them up to Jacob to get them fixed, and we spent a lot of time together and Jacob kind of fell -
Renesmee : NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Jacob : I didn't really
Renesmee : YOU FELL -
Bella : Under a bus
Renesmee : Ooh I thought you were gonna say like in LOVE or something hahaha
Jacob : yea haha
Edward : Look yiz either tell the story right or not jeez. Jacob was very much in love with your mother
Renesmee : holy mother of god
Bella : JUST LET ME FINISH THE STORY !! So he loved me, I didn't know really at this point I was still waiting on your dad to come back. So time passed and I copped on anytime I did something dangerous I'd hear your fathers voice-
Edward : "cough" multi personality "cough"
Bella : So in order to keep the voice coming into my head-
Renesmee : you spoke back to it ?
Edward : No she f****d herself off a cliff
Bella : SHUT UP !! IT WAS AN EXTREME SPORT !!
Edward : keep playing that card-
Bella : but I was drowning and Jacob saved me.. Ooh BTW I knew he was a wolf as well, but who cares I knew the local dog. But Alice saw me and came over to see if I was dead and Rosalie being the bitch that she is told Edward BY PHONE I was dead, ha ha and Edward went to Italy took of his shirt (and didn't do the limo) but tried to kill himself I pushed him out of the way of the sun, we met up with the volturi (who are all gay) and we made a promise that I would be a vampire. I don't remember much after that, just that we had to vote me into the Cullen Family and everyone voted yes except Rosalie-
Rosalie : I was being a good sister.. Kind of-
Bella : and we lived happily ever after again for a few months.
Edward : and then came a time I liked to called "Bella gets desperate SO DESPERATE SHE RIPS HER SHIRT OFF AND SITS ON TOP OF ME WAGGILING HER BRISSTOLS BACK AND FORTH-
Bella : "cough" don't "cough" give ideas !.. So yes, I was meant to be changed by Carlisle after graduation by Gingerina (Victoria) came back with her little Baby army and tried to kill me, Ooh and to top it all off Jacob had a goal he wasn't gonna give up on called : get bella to love me .. And I ended up kissing him and everything went pear shaped seen as your dad was watching and I pictured or furture together and then your dad decided to talk out loud about my em.. Desperation, and how we were engaged and Jacob got pissed and after the fight got himself really hurt and I broke his heart yet again and he ran away in his wolf form to live forever.. You get the picture..
Edward : which brings us to our……… argreement that we made
Emmett : here we go
Edward : well.. I was very protective over Bella's em body so I emm.. Well, lets just say that-
Emmett : NO SEX TILL WEDDING NIGHT
Edward : thank you Emmett, but apparently wedding night wasent enough, 3 TIMES !!! But em yes you were concived by my super sperm,, and my super sperm meant you grew fast .. Very fast.. And I wanted to kill you but your mother and Rosalie had other ideas
"Renesmee stares blankley at the wall.. Almost in tears. Not because she was near a near death experience but she was made by super sperm"Edward : So to cut a VER LONG 700 PAGE STORY SHORT ! You were born, I turned your mother into a vampire she had a shiled power and more importanley we could conoodle properly for the first time.. And we lived happily ever after-
Bella : for two days.. After 2 nearly 3 days of burning I awoke as a vampire. The volturi came back and it was all maddness and bla bla bla .. You remember.. -
Renesmee : MY BOYFRIEND WAS IN LOVE WITH YOU
Jacob :No .. I thought I was, I was actually in love with her uterus, but since you popped out its all good.
Renesmee : Good to know.. YOU HAVE THE HOTS FOR MY MOMS UTERUS !!
Jacob : Had.. Had the hots
Renesmee : Well um.. Nice, history
Bella : Any questions
Renesmee : yes. Why were you a fool
Edward : Your mother was just born that way
Jacob : we cant help it
Edward : you tell her my little pedigree
Jacob : don't start my little ice cube
Renesmee : DON'T TELL ME !! YOUR IN LOVE WITH MY FATHERS SUPER SPERM
To be continued………..(not really, I just like saying that)
Well that's the end of this story, if you liked it please comment/review.. Again I love the twilight saga, I don't want to slag it what so ever.. Im just making it funny. So I hope you enjoyed it..
TheTwilightPixie