Disclaimer: I don't own anything by David Sedaris or Laurie Notaro. I do not own Naruto. Please don't rub it in.
Warnings: Some undecided outcomes, yaoi, unrealistic alcohol abuse, language, future unnamed situations, utter Christmas ridiculousness
A/N: This is something I wrote about 3 years ago. I planned on finishing it and I still do, and I have a (vague-ish) outline for it. The only problem is that the only time I think about it is around the holidays. When I am busy. Always. But I had fun writing this and I really wanted to post it. Who knows? Maybe that'll be the motivation I need to finish it. Anyway, please enjoy what's here. Reviews are always welcome and most appreciated.
P.S. Please read this with an echoing tone of sarcasm. Thank you.
EDIT: Sorry to everyone who has read and reviewed and favorite-d this story; it's been a while since I've been on so when I logged on earlier to edit a line in this, I got virus-attacked. Here it is again :P Good times, eh? Merry Christmas!
There are only two words in the whole English language inherently capable of expressing my current situation.
Velvet. Green.
Confused? Allow me to elaborate: My elder brother, Itachi, whom I love dearly and hold in very high esteem, is a demented evil fucktard who can rot in Hell for this like the piece of shit he is.
You see, a few weeks ago I had my very first experience with liquor. And not just any liquor. For Uchihas are above the piss-poor's choice of beer. We are ahead the snobbish pretense of fruity wines. We are the center of attention of the wanna-be's hopeful gin. We, the Uchihas, begin our first step with Smirnoff.
Now I did not know this.
In fact, I did not know what Smirnoff was. I was under the impression it was some vulgar gay anal thing, as most of the words Itachi presented me with usually were. This is also the reason I was disgusted for a period of time whenever anyone mentioned "spooning", but I digress.
But this night, my 21st birthday, happily introduced me to the influence of alcohol. I was just sitting around, minding my own business (literally; I was ignoring my friends after all) when I was unceremoniously yanked up by my collar and dragged into our pool house by my brother's friend, Kisame. There, Itachi had waiting about 10 different alcohols including (but not limited to) Johnnie Walker, Captain Morgan and Jose Cuervo. Long story, short: he shoved about 2 bottles worth of Smirnoff down my throat, topped off by some other alcohols, and caught it all on camera along with The Promise.
Now here's the back story to this story: Our father, Fugaku Uchiha, runs what is known as Uchiha Corp., one of the largest companies in the nation. Recently, succinctly, he has taken Itachi as a partner-in-training. After which Itachi decided to start my training even earlier by getting me familiarized with some of the stores and businesses we own. For some reason he doesn't understand that I'm in college and have absolutely no desire to fly out of town every weekend and walk around various malls and restaurants.
But Itachi gets what he wants one way or the other. While I was in a drunken snit my aniki took the opportunity to propose something to me. Something exciting and festive with lots of rewards and cheer and "what do you say?" They have it on tape: I said "Weeeeee! Hell yesh!"
Normally if I make a promise, it's for something good, and if I'm tricked into it I end up saying "Fuck you, I don't care what I said, I'm not doing it." But as I already mentioned, Itachi has an entire night of me drunk on video. And blackmail's a little harder to rub off. So even after sobering up, I had no choice but to reply "Yes."
To being a mall elf this holiday season.
A. Mall. Elf.
ELF.
In a velvet fucking green costume.
With pointy yellow slippers and ears and a mother fucking pointy hat. AND BELLS.
Little jingling bells!
Oh yes, Itachi is going to die.
The store I'm at is conveniently located 10 minutes away from my school. Itachi bought it just for this occasion. Isn't that sweet? A whole store was purchased just so I could humiliate myself in time for the holiday season. I'm going to go ahead and call this Itachi's one and only Christmas present. Forever.
Currently I just finished my elf training, complete with an elfin guide to all things elfish (- insert bitter sarcasm here).
One of the first steps laid out in the guide book was to choose an elf name, in order to better identify with the attitude of their kind, and we are allowed to change the name at any time in accordance to our outlook on the snowy world. A lot of people chose cute things like Nicky, Sugarplum, Marshmallow, Frosted, etc. But after reading the guide I was 100% assured I did not want to put any, and I mean any thought into it. Choosing the name "Elf" is not allowed.
I am "Fle". It's a pleasure.
I've also been shown around The Workshop, where all the elves work and shove children through on their way to see Santa. There's really not much to see. Lots of fake snow, candy canes, trees, presents and toys we don't sell in the store shoved behind windows for children to look at and scream about how much they want them but can never have.
The layout is basic: you enter and find yourself on the yellow brick road they stole from the Wizard of Oz set a few shops down and you wander around from this weird conveyer belt that has empty presents glued to it that comes out of the wall, does a semi-circle and enters the wall again. It actually goes in a full circle but the presents are supposedly going up to Santa's sleigh.
There's a shack of fake electronic reindeer, a stage further down where experienced elves do an incredibly lame magic show, a large train set that the lightest elves can ride in on and a candy cane forest that encompasses a third of the room. Its purpose is to divide the visitors into 2 lines (mainly for busy days) and then it leads them straight to the big man where they can get their picture taken and then ride the magic choo-choo out of the store.
Right now we are currently being placed around The Workshop for the opening. The jobs available are Entrance Elf, Candy Elf, Conveyer Belt Elf, Reindeer Elf, Magic Elf, Photo Elf, Dancing Elf, Conductor Elf, Snow Elf, Exit Elf, and the most prestigious of all: Santa Elf.
The management is the only one that knows I'm an Uchiha which is probably why I was placed as a Santa Elf. I have no idea what the hell was going through their minds when they did that, because it was a stupid, stupid move.
For me, who avoids people and especially kids like the plague, this was the epitome of stupid. Not only that, but I've had bad experiences with Santas that has caused me an unmanageable hate towards them.
If you can't tell by now, my brother enjoys manipulating me. For the most part, I can handle it. But when I was younger he was apparently quite bitter over the discovery that Santa was fake and that I would not believe anyone who told me so, including him. So he decided to change tactics and told me stories that made Santa sound like a monster rather than a saint.
First of all, he took me "into his confidence" and "confided" in me that nobody really wants Santa in their homes, "You've seen 'The Nightmare Before Christmas', right?", and that he uses his black magic to enter through the chimney. "Have you realized that 'Santa' is an anagram for 'Satan'? He comes through the fireplace so if there's any attack waiting for him, he can use his powers to make the fire burn us all down. That's why they put so much effort into making you go to sleep before he comes. And they don't make the toys up there. The presents are all stolen from someone else's house and passed onto the next stop and so on and so forth. And if you don't have enough for the next family as well as your own, he just takes them all. That's why all the poor countries have a non-Christian national denomination.
"And if you don't have his cookies and milk waiting, you better run. You remember the list?" Apparently Santa uses that list not only to discern the Nice from the Naughty but to see who's in charge of putting his food out. And if it's not there, he'll find you and molest the crap out of you (this is where the vulgar gay terms began) and there's nothing anyone can do about it. And if you're an orphan he takes you on as his elf. At this point I was screaming and crying for anybody to make him stop before he got into the gory details of that job. Oh, and reindeer double as his transportation and vicious cannibals who devour anyone who tries to leave the house.
I was taking sleeping pills at the age of 6.
I'm shocked I never had to get my stomach pumped.
Then the one time my mother convinces me to not listen to my ass of a brother, I allow her to take me to see an 'authentic' Santa at Macy's. I arrive one minute late so the brute throws up behind the chair because he's drunk, curses me, tells me Santa's going to steal everything from my house when he visits, hits on my mom and then sheds all his clothes and fake beard and celebrates the store closing with the robot dance.
I was thrilled to learn he didn't exist. Got a little pissed at my parents when I found out they were lying to me all these years, though. We didn't talk for a while.
Along with being placed with a Santa, I also have to work with another elf. We both work the line outside the door (because the Santa is placed in a throne room) and shuffle the kids in. Oh, and to add to the joyous occasion, what the Santa says, goes. Meaning if he tells me to sing, guess what I have to do?
However, some good came out of this horrid predicament. Being who I am, I was able to finesse the name of the 2nd elf out of my manager.
She misunderstood.
Clearly.
Because the name she returned with was 'Snowball'.
Who…what…no, get me the real name, retard.
The real name, as it turns out, was someone named Uzumaki Naruto but for all I'm worth I couldn't get the Santa's name. Itachi expressly dictated I was not to know any personal information on any of the Santas, ever.
But I'll get them.
I'll get them all, one way or another.