A/N: This story is dedicated to Tori, who can hardly keep spoilers to
herself ;-) *hugs*. I must warn you that by the time I wrote this story I
didn't know more about the third season than what she told me and what I
saw in a few clips. Thanks also to Vikki for betaing. :-)
***
Attraction. No more. No less.
As long as you know that it is one-sided it causes no harm. There is no evil in getting lost in a fantasy. Creating situations in your mind. 'What if.?'- Scenarios.
You look at the person you desire, from a distance. Wanting him yet knowing that there will never be more than friendship.
Isn't that a calming thought?
For me it was.
Until a few weeks ago.
It happened purely by accident. Connor was screaming so loudly that I could hear him even in my room. In the middle of the day. So I walked over to your room and there you sat next to him. Half asleep, trying to hush him with something that was supposed to be a lullaby. I kneeled down next to you, placing my hand on your shoulder to let you know that I wanted to give it a try. To my surprise it worked. One of the very few times it did. The sudden silence and the relief took away your will to keep your eyes open. You would have collapsed and slept right there on the floor if I hadn't carried you over to your bed. It was not the thankful look you gave me that made my mind spin, it was something I had sensed while you were singing to the child. Something very weak, from deep within.
I told myself that I was imagining things. This wasn't - couldn't - be what I thought it was.
It didn't last long enough for me to be sure.
Maybe I should have left it that way, but I didn't. Whenever I had the opportunity I searched your mind; with each time it grew stronger.
What do you feel like, when your greatest wish becomes true?
Realise that your greatest wish can also become your greatest fear.
Each time I felt it, I prayed that you would never become aware of it yourself. That it wouldn't make it's way to your consciousness.
Why?
Because I fear myself. I know that I could not resist, if it were you who took the first step.
So I left, with a lie.
Of course I am afraid of Connor.
But he gave me the excuse I was unconsciously searching for; the excuse to flee and hide.
"It's mutual."
There was this look in your eyes that made me cringe. The fear you knew.
"The way you feel about Cordelia is pretty much exactly the way she feels about you."
Pretty much. Set aside the little detail that your love for her is purely platonic. The little detail that could save your soul.
I heard myself talking, trying to convince you. You sat down while you considered my words. All the time doubt was mirrored in your eyes.
The longer I held your gaze the more I felt the urge to leave. I was struggling with myself; a part of me wanted to reach out to you, but the other part knew that it was wrong. That it would hurt us both.
The moment I turned to leave, you stood up.
"Take good care yourself. And keep in touch." An urgency swinging in the last words.
I am unsure how long I sat here, scribbling words on a paper, only to crush it and start all over again. Finally I decided on a simple postcard. Not enough space for too many words, and yet enough to let you know that I am all right.
Or at least pretend to be.
***
Attraction. No more. No less.
As long as you know that it is one-sided it causes no harm. There is no evil in getting lost in a fantasy. Creating situations in your mind. 'What if.?'- Scenarios.
You look at the person you desire, from a distance. Wanting him yet knowing that there will never be more than friendship.
Isn't that a calming thought?
For me it was.
Until a few weeks ago.
It happened purely by accident. Connor was screaming so loudly that I could hear him even in my room. In the middle of the day. So I walked over to your room and there you sat next to him. Half asleep, trying to hush him with something that was supposed to be a lullaby. I kneeled down next to you, placing my hand on your shoulder to let you know that I wanted to give it a try. To my surprise it worked. One of the very few times it did. The sudden silence and the relief took away your will to keep your eyes open. You would have collapsed and slept right there on the floor if I hadn't carried you over to your bed. It was not the thankful look you gave me that made my mind spin, it was something I had sensed while you were singing to the child. Something very weak, from deep within.
I told myself that I was imagining things. This wasn't - couldn't - be what I thought it was.
It didn't last long enough for me to be sure.
Maybe I should have left it that way, but I didn't. Whenever I had the opportunity I searched your mind; with each time it grew stronger.
What do you feel like, when your greatest wish becomes true?
Realise that your greatest wish can also become your greatest fear.
Each time I felt it, I prayed that you would never become aware of it yourself. That it wouldn't make it's way to your consciousness.
Why?
Because I fear myself. I know that I could not resist, if it were you who took the first step.
So I left, with a lie.
Of course I am afraid of Connor.
But he gave me the excuse I was unconsciously searching for; the excuse to flee and hide.
"It's mutual."
There was this look in your eyes that made me cringe. The fear you knew.
"The way you feel about Cordelia is pretty much exactly the way she feels about you."
Pretty much. Set aside the little detail that your love for her is purely platonic. The little detail that could save your soul.
I heard myself talking, trying to convince you. You sat down while you considered my words. All the time doubt was mirrored in your eyes.
The longer I held your gaze the more I felt the urge to leave. I was struggling with myself; a part of me wanted to reach out to you, but the other part knew that it was wrong. That it would hurt us both.
The moment I turned to leave, you stood up.
"Take good care yourself. And keep in touch." An urgency swinging in the last words.
I am unsure how long I sat here, scribbling words on a paper, only to crush it and start all over again. Finally I decided on a simple postcard. Not enough space for too many words, and yet enough to let you know that I am all right.
Or at least pretend to be.